lame post
I'm at a loss for words. I think it's because of everything that I experienced this weekend, plus some other stuff. But since almost every blog I've looked at today updated their blog in the past 24 hours, I felt I should too. So, I've decided to take the easy way out and not talk about the stuff going on in my head and instead, take my favorite lines from the blogs I read. When I get my bearings, I'll check back in with you. In the meantime, check this out:

"Now I suppose that someday, some guy may, I repeat, MAY convince me that he has something to offer. But it's gotta be good dang it. And it has to be someone who can contend with a lawyer with PMS. :)
Yeah. Thought so." -- Tricialae. You go girl. You make me proud.

"War And Peace: AKA the worlds longest book. In fact, possibly longer than the Bible. " -- Unha. I'm stickin' with the Bible.

"hot asian girl, we should meet up sometime. and you better be hot, or i'll be pissed. i hate liars." BonesMd. Oh Bones.

"Ah New Kids. You'll always be a part of me." -- Hannah. Me too, Hannah, me too.

I miss my NU peeps. *sigh*

new hat
minsoo bought me this funny hat. it has ears and a face. when i put it on and look at myself in the mirror, i laugh--at myself. it's my new favorite accessory.

my best friend from high school used to collect barbies and it was scary
The girl that was my best friend in high school is getting married on Saturday. I'm reminiscing about how we first met (in English class), going to junior prom with our boyfriends (who were also best friends), spending late nights in the journalism room putting together our beloved newspaper, beating her admirers off with a stick (I had the stick, she had the admirers). Those were the days. Now we're totally different people, with different aspirations (she's still a journalist), different relationships (she and her fiance have been living in the house they bought together for the past year) and different ways of looking at life. Her impending wedding has not been my greatest source of joy, for many selfish reasons. I'm struggling with trying not to project my issues onto her life, but it's been hard given that she's accomplished many of the goals we dreamed about in high school. I know that my life has been turned around and upside down since college -- and it has been the best thing to happen to me. At the same time, it's hard to shake off the past and feel confident in the path that I'm heading down, without thinking about those around me.

Stupid weddings. They always make me think about dumb stuff.

On another note, my high school best friend did not invite one of our close friends to the wedding, even though she e-mailed him over a year ago telling him to "save the date" and inviting him to her wedding. How lame is that? I don't think it would have been as rude if she just didn't tell him about the engagement, but the fact that she invited him to the wedding a long time ago is really terrible. What is the etiquette for this? Should the bride contact our friend and uninvite him formally? Doesn't she know that I will talk to him and tell him I got an invite? Awkward, awkward, awkward. It makes me not want to go... okay, okay, I shouldn't use this as an excuse not to go... Let the wedding season begin!

hm
Do you ever feel bad about feeling bad about stuff? I'm not sure if it's something that plagues women, but I've noticed that women often preface feelings with "I feel bad about feeling this way, but I feel..." I'm definitely not immune. What does this say about us? Does it say that we're not comfortable with our feelings? Are we socialized to feel certain ways about things? Do we use that phrase when we don't trust our feelings? Are we prefacing our feelings to make sure we don't offend anyone (and possibly watering down the impact)? What kind of crap is this?! I guess it's sort of a war between our hearts (the way we feel about things) and our minds (the way we think we should feel about things).

I guess I bring this up because I was just thinking to myself, "I feel bad about feeling this way..." and then I was like, why do I have to feel bad about feeling bad? Feeling bad already sucks, but feeling guilty about feelings sucks even more.

On a different note...
I'm pooped. Cesar Chavez Day of Service and Learning is over for me! It was quite inspiring and I put a lot of work into it. I wasn't sure people really learned anything from the day, but then at the end of the day after the service part (cleaning a creek, gardening, weeding, painting, trash pick-up), someone started sharing about how he was going to think more about the people who made his food and the choices he's making as a consumer because of what he learned during the workshop I organized in the morning. His statement helped validate the 50+ hours of work I've put in this week.

where the estrogen at?
Yesterday's bible study was sort of depressing for me because the only other woman in attendance was Patty (the pastor's wife) and her 2-year-old daughter Christine (who doesn't count since she spent most of the time eating my pirate's booty snack). Contrary to popular belief, I am not one of those self-titled "guys girls". While I hang out with guys 90% of the time, I don't claim to prefer the male variety more than the female of the species. At the same time, I do recognize that relationships with women are much more complicated and sometimes harder to manage, so I end up reverting back to mindless tv-watching with guys who don't care if you don't say anything. I guess it makes a difference for me during bible study when I don't feel the comraderie and fellowship that comes from sharing during bible study with other women. There I go again, sharing as if this is not a public blog. Oh well.

sidenote: For everyone in the midwest and east coast battling the snowy weather, move out west and enjoy 70-80 degree weather of California with me! I miss you.

commitment and vision
At a recent training, one of the speakers said that sometimes we need a little less commitment and a little more vision. It was a profound statement for me. It struck me because sometimes I am so committed to people, organizations, ideas, etc. that I forget about having a vision for these things. Sometimes vision (where I can see these things in the future) gets pushed aside for being immersed in taking care of immediate situations. I think commitment and vision go hand in hand, but I recognize that I tend to be more commitment-heavy and less vision-ready. Does that make sense?

that icky feeling
Last week's Mercury News training was cool -- it made me consider pursuing the field of journalism again. I felt a little envious of the news-making lifestyle, but I wasn't too broken up about not being a part of the newsroom glory. Today, I received a link from the Executive Director of our Chicago office to a news article she was quoted in. The story was written by a guy I went to j-school with. Everytime I see a byline with a name I recognize from NU, it sends me into a "what-if" spiral. It's gotten better over the years, but it's definitely a weak point for me. The "Keeping up with the Jones" mentality creeps in and invades my "finally comfortable with not following the straight and narrow" space that I worked so hard to maintain. This is when I have to remember that in the long run, this stuff isn't important and that I want to live a life that will earn a "Well done, good and faithful servant!" (Matt. 25:21) when I go up to meet the Big Guy in the Sky.

a song instead of my rambling blogging
Caedmon's Call is one of my favorite bands. "The Emptiest Day" is from their Back Home album. I won't go into an explanation as to why I think this song is blog-worthy. I'll just say that it has some good lines, especially the lines about how they say you can find God in a flower, but needing to find God in the car. Amen, brother.

"The Emptiest Day"
They say You live in hospitals and trenches
And towers in the sky
And I'm not dying or fighting any wars
Except on the inside

The only thing I need is a void that You can fill
And I jump ship and run even further in Your will

And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day

The words I find impossible to mention
Are written on a star
They say that I can find You in a flower
But I need You in the car

The optimism of my youth is dead and gone
But I'll save these speculations for another time and song

And life is only perceived through chemicals and emotion
But love, love is the island that overgrows the ocean

i met mr. roadshow
Today I brought the Allies to the Merc for a training on the goings on at the paper. It was pretty exciting to me. One of the most exciting parts was meeting Gary Richards, the guys who does the Mr. Roadshow column. His column answers questions like "What is it called when police cars drive across 4 lanes of the freeway to slow down traffic when there's a piece of debris on the road?" or "When is the construction along 880 going to be finished?" He's super nice and I totally gushed about how me and my friends find his column so helpful.

On another note, I added another list on the right column. It's not that informative, but I decided to mix it up a bit. I'm not feeling that creative, so if you have any suggestions, e-mail me (although I'm sure that most of you couldn't care less).

can i keep her?
Our new pastor's 2-year-old daughter is really adorable. Normally, I'm not a little kid person (I like the older ones that can talk), but all it takes is a look from this girl (who is half Chinese and half Korean, but looks more Chinese, yeah!) and I'm completely hers. Today, I pretended that when I took off my glasses, I couldn't see anything, but when I put them on again, I could see everything and then some. My highly exaggerated schtick worked. The girl laughed and demanded I do it again. I must have done it at least 20 times. After awhile, other people started to notice and started laughing at me... not with me -- at me. So when Christine kept demanding I do it again, I wanted to say no to save my pride (I'm sure it looked ridiculous), but her big brown eyes stared up at me and I couldn't say no. Christine is going to have to fight the boys off with a stick. Watch out, Pastor Frank.

teamwork at it's lowest
There were a lot of good things about today (the weather, a few good conversations, Shaolin Soccer), but I'd rather share about the meeting I had to referee today. The Allies (the people I "train" as part of my job) organize themselves in groups and plan one training for the rest of the group. This is supposedly the chance for them to experience "true" teamwork and also gives me one week during the spring when I don't have to plan a training. The February group, in the course of their planning process, decided to kick out one of their members. I was given the oh-so-fun job of "debriefing" (aka giving them a time to air their differences and talk about what they learned from their experience) the team after their training took place. At one point during the meeting, they started arguing - a lot. I let it happen, but then I couldn't take it anymore and I just yelled "STOP IT. STOP IT!..." It reminded me of when I worked with middle school kids. When the kids got in fights, they spent most of the time pointing fingers and acting like victims. Because I'm so good at handling conflict (note the heavy sarcasm) and because I'm battling a cold, I couldn't handle it. I think they were sort of shocked because I'm usually more articulate and I never shout at them.

At the end, (by this time, I shouted at them a few times and I almost wanted to send two of them to the corners) I gave them all a pep talk about taking this experiences and learning from it, instead of holding onto the bad things that happened and one of the guys said "Thanks Mom." It was nice to hear because at that point, I was all shaky and about to cry. Maybe it was the 'tussin.

vicious cycle
Cursed Ice Cream. The frosty pints tempt me at the store, so I buy it, gallon after gallon. But after I devour it, the effects of the lactose send me into a spiral of gaseous regret. I am weak and forgetful, so the cycle repeats itself, day after day, night after night. Oh green tea goodness, will you stop tempting me so?

Sorry, nothing else to report other than my run-in with lactose.

fabio???
Unfortunately, I watched the AJ finale. That's all I'm going to say about it.

On another note, I called in sick (but still had a conference call and a meeting downtown anyway) to rest up. I've been feeling like I'm on the brink of sickness. I'm fighting it with lots of sleep and Emergen-C packets. January is finally catching up with me. Gotta stay well, gotta stay well...

yup, i saw the movie too
The Passion of the Christ was intense and brutal, though not as crazy as I thought it would be. The first scene where Jesus is being whipped with different instruments was definitely hard to watch, though. What most moved me was watching Mary, the mother of Jesus. The actress has an amazingly expressive face, which moved me to tears whenever her gaze was on screen.

Watching the movie reminded me that one, I need to read the Bible more, and two, that I want to spend this month leading up to Easter focusing more on Jesus. I usually spend this time wishing for summer, trying to stay healthy and going through the motions. After watching the movie, it reminded me of the need to really meditate on Jesus's sacrifice and the awesome mercy of the resurrection.

the cops, the heat-mobile and painting pastor frank's house
Just another Tuesday evening. Our new pastor is moving into his townhouse and a group of us volunteered to help paint. Halfway through the painting, we went out for dinner. When we returned to the townhouse, beangoo and minsoo had a run in with the law. Apparently, as we pulled up to the house, a neighbor called the police because someone was breaking into a car -- which happened to be our church friend's car (aka the heat-mobile). They already arrested one of the possible car thieves, however they were looking for 2 more guys. Unfortunately, when I dropped b&m off and went to park my car, they happened to be walking in the parking area where the cops were hunting some criminals. I got out of my car in time to see the cops stopping the guys, and the guys kneeling down on the ground... like criminals. When I thought I saw the cop handcuffing beangoo, I walked over to try and explain, but the cops just dismissed me by saying they were just doing their own investigation. It was so strange to see my friends looking like perpetrators, even if it was only for a short time. It made me think about the stories I heard from people at my Americorps program about police brutality and oppression by police. I know they are just doing their job, but I definitely understood how people can feel animosity toward law enforcement.

Eventually, the Heat arrived and told the police that the guys were his friends and they were let go. It left me with sort of a sick feeling in my stomach. It made me think a lot about gender dynamics (If I had been walking down the street, would they have stopped me?), power and privilege and a lot of other things that I'm still thinking about. Both B&M seemed okay after the incident, so I guess it's weird for me to be "processing" it. I think after hearing other people talk about painful experiences with police, I see this incident as part of a larger discussion. Yes, I think a lot about stuff.

careful, spider in there
My roommate had 2 spiders in her room, both near her bed. We managed to kill the little white one, but the big black one was hanging off of her stucco ceiling. I created a swiffer/paper towel/windex spider-death-contraption for her to use, but unfortunately we only managed to capture a leg. The rest of it went free. My roommate had a lot of clothes and junk in her room so we have no idea where the rest of the spider went. I hope it's hobbling around, looking for a good place to die. Most likely it's hiding out, growing back its leg and planning its next attack. I'm going to hide under the covers tonight. *Shiver*.

my check-up
Today was my first "annual" check-up in over 5 years. The doctor spent about 15 minutes with me, told me I needed to exercise more and then sent me down to the lab for blood work. When I arrived in the lower waiting room, I found a mess of senior citizens waiting for their turn with the needle. When it was finally my turn (I almost accidently cut in front of an elderly Indian man -- awkward), I sat down in the not-so-private blood testing station. On the small "walls" separating the counter into blood-testing stations were these weird pictures of animals. In an attempt to distract the blood-giver from the horrors of the needle, they posted photos of cute kittens, birds and dogs up on the walls. When I was waiting for the test, I noticed the photos and kind of chuckled to myself. Are those photos supposed to make it easier? Who's going to fall for that?

(Wai-Ling raises her hand.) Lucky for me, these tacky pictures were there since I started to get really nervous when I sat down. I began to stare intensely at the little kitten photographed in a cage with a bird on top and started to babble to the lab technician, "Ha ha, that's cute..." even though I really didn't think it was that cute. When I felt the cold wet disinfectant wipe on my arm, I decided to come clean with the technician. I nervously laughed and then said, "I'm a little bit nervous about this, he he". She took pity on me so she started to chat with me, which helped to ease the tension. After she took my blood I bolted out of there and once again, almost ran into that same elderly Indian man walking to his car. It was windy so I rushed to my car and opened up my car door... consequently (and unintentionally) preventing him from opening his car door -- awkward moment with elderly Indian man #2.

fafsa
My FAFSA is done. I didn't spend that much time on it. Maybe I should have spent more. Hm. I just wanted to get it over and done with. I lead a busy life... or rather, Alias was on and I wanted to finish it in time. The FAFSA concludes my grad school application process. Woo hoo. I think I'm probably different from many people who apply to grad school. Usually people who go to grad school are a lot more focused than they were in undergrad. After 4 years of being out of school, I think I bring with me a more open attitude. Normally I would be dead set on a certain school and a certain career path. I think that I've learned a lot about being flexible and knowing that no matter how hard I try and plan everything out, it's never the way I imagined it. So I may be headed toward grad school, and I may not be. To say this is a big deal for me. In high school I already had my life mapped out (career-wise, at least) and I was so driven. I'm still driven, but I guess I'm more open to diversions along the way.

Here's a verse from today's sermon that struck me as being really relevant to my consistent struggles:
"This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:5-9

green tea ice cream and the third wheel
My new love is green tea ice cream. Actually, I've liked it for awhile, but Dryer's is finally selling quarts of it at the store. Tonight I picked up 2 for minsoo's monthly movie madness... well, one for the movie night and one for later. I ate most of the quart (minsoo had some) during Roman Holiday and cleaned out the container during the first 10 minutes of Casablanca. Now I'm awake because my stomach is full of milk products. Yay for the green tea flavor... boo for the lactose.

Valentine's Day was low key, as usual. On Thursday, I told SDH to make sure that minsoo bought me flowers. I'm glad the not-so-subtle hints worked. Minsoo also picked me up in the morning to go out to breakfast at stacks. I ate only half of the yummiest and largest fruit-filled crepe I've ever seen. Their hash brown potatoes are also really good, which reminded us that we need to take SDH to eat breakfast there. He LOVES hash browns. I think it's sad that we think of SDH even when we're alone and on a "date". Hey SDH, if we both move down to LA, you have to come with us! We need our third wheel.

a diversion
Just watched Something's Gotta Give. Other than Keanu's annoying lines, it was a sweet story and a good diversion. The scene where Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson are in the kitchen in their pjs making pancakes is really awesome. At one point she says something to the effect of "I don't know if you hate me or are the only one who really gets me." Hm. I like how the other characters totally see the guys falling for DK, instead of how movies usually portray the "falling in love" scene as something that's oblivious to everyone but that one person who's "falling". It's annoying how the "characters in love" have to admit it to their loved ones. Duh. In real life I think that sometimes your friends and family see that spark even before you do... and they notice if it's not there. Ugh, I'm reacting to a romantic comedy -- what's wrong with me?? I wave my fist at Valentine's Day --- evil!!

Now i am back to being me. Tomorrow I will find something to rant about, I promise. Grrr!