i win misery poker
My apps are out...whoopee... Unfortunately this week has not been completely drama-free. Yesterday my old roommate came into town to crash at my place. She arrived at my apt and when we went to repark her car, I noticed my downstairs neighbor's daughter looking at the back bumper of my car, which was parked in a spot in the parking lot. Her mom was at the wheel of the car that was diagonally parked in the middle of the lot. Uh oh. Apparently the mom rear ended my car. Her enormous Dodge Intrepid sedan dislodged the bumper from my car. The worse part? The mom was stinkin' drunk. Her breathe reeked and she could barely even stand up. So I called the police 1. In case I needed to report it for insurance purposes, 2. Because the mom was slurring her words and the daughter had to hold her arm while she walked over to my car. The mom denied that my dislodged bumper was her doing, however the daughter (who was only about 12-13) fully admitted to the police that her mom had put the car into reverse instead of drive and plowed into my car. It was really sad to see the daughter parenting her mom. The police came and arrested her for DUI. They told me that her blood alcohol level was .21 and then made a crack about Jeff Garcia. They also enjoyed making fun of my drivers license picture. If this happened a few years ago, I would not have been too amused. Fortunately, I've been through enough crap where now I just sort of shake my head in disbelief. I tell you, drama finds me. Drama finds me. I'm so tired. At least I haven't taken up a habit like Jessie Spano and her stint with no-doze.
1/28/2004
1/26/2004
primal scream
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
It's the home stretch. I've got applications to finish before I leave town on Thursday, plus more work to make up for being gone. I'm still in the midst of processing everything that went on at the retreat, so I guess the scream was both to energize me as I head toward the finish line and release some pent up energy from this past weekend. I have to put it on my blog instead of doing it in person because it's really late and my roommate is asleep. I should have screamed earlier. I think looking at all of the A's, R's and G's, helps me feel like I got some of it out. I think I need some rest.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
It's the home stretch. I've got applications to finish before I leave town on Thursday, plus more work to make up for being gone. I'm still in the midst of processing everything that went on at the retreat, so I guess the scream was both to energize me as I head toward the finish line and release some pent up energy from this past weekend. I have to put it on my blog instead of doing it in person because it's really late and my roommate is asleep. I should have screamed earlier. I think looking at all of the A's, R's and G's, helps me feel like I got some of it out. I think I need some rest.
1/25/2004
"from discord find harmony" - Albert Einstein
I just returned from yet another emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually draining retreat. This time I was serving as the staff supporting the Americorps members. There were more tears, more anger, more hurt and more DRAMA. I am spent. I went to M4 and I couldn't even watch the movie. I just sat with the ladies who didn't want to watch Jaws and entertained them with my unedited comments about my dysfunctional retreat and stories about my middle school years while we ate fast food.
The above quote sums up my hopes for the good that will come out of the intense conflict this weekend. I was also reminded of the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."- Reinhold Neibuhr. Amen, brother, amen.
I just returned from yet another emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually draining retreat. This time I was serving as the staff supporting the Americorps members. There were more tears, more anger, more hurt and more DRAMA. I am spent. I went to M4 and I couldn't even watch the movie. I just sat with the ladies who didn't want to watch Jaws and entertained them with my unedited comments about my dysfunctional retreat and stories about my middle school years while we ate fast food.
The above quote sums up my hopes for the good that will come out of the intense conflict this weekend. I was also reminded of the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."- Reinhold Neibuhr. Amen, brother, amen.
1/20/2004
wake-up call
Our all-staff retreat in LA last week was a time for all of the sites nation-wide to get together and talk about where our organization is going and learn more about the work we do. On Wednesday night all 60+ of us headed over to a soul food restaurant in LA. Before dinner, we shopped around the neighborhood and visited a small African American art museum. The owner gave us a tour and led us into a back room filled with racist memorabilia from the pre-civil rights era. While he was explaining why he decided to form a collection, a member of our group asked him what he would like to tell youth (the man was in his late 60s). The owner explained that he would like to tell young people to know who their parents are and their heritage. In an attempt to illustrate his point, he looks around the room and points at me. He asks me where I'm from - San Jose. No, no, where are your parents from? He asks. Oh no. So I tell him China and Hong Kong. He then decided to use me and the other two Asian Americans in the room to illustrate his point about knowing the language of your parents and where they come from (I wanted to say, actually, my parents are from LA, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise). He also asked me if I knew martial arts. I began to say that it was a misconception... but then he interrupted and continued his diatribe, moving on to grilling the other two APIs (also from San Jose).
After an uncomfortable 5-10 minutes of standing next to him, trying to pretend to be attentive, but noticing the temperature rising in my head, I managed to leave his clutches (He kept grabbing me and hugging me) and slink out the door with one of the other API women. As I was walking away, I was having trouble processing what had just happened in the museum. I'm used to getting these types of questions from older folks. I've even had people ask me about martial arts and assume things about my background. I couldn't articulate what was pissing me off about the situation. Then it came to me. There I was, in the middle of a staff of "diverse" leaders who pride themselves on encouraging Americorps members to explore their own diversity issues and power and privilege. And in the middle of these "socially conscious" people, I felt all alone. In that moment, when the man choose to point me out and ask questions that could have been answered by anyone in the room, I felt alien, other, foreign, non-American.
What also made me feel alone was not only the color of my skin, but was the fact that during the rest of the retreat, no one said anything to us (the API women) about this incident. There were about 30 or more national staff in the room (including the CEO) and no one checked in with me or the API women after it happened. No one tried to see if we were alright. No one said anything. So there we were, Asian women who had just been objectified and therefore, oppressed, in that situation and we had no allies. Ironically, the word "Ally" is part of organization's name.
At the end of the retreat, one of the executive directors from the other site approached my roommate and I (she was one of the other API women) and apologized for not advocating or supporting us in that situation. He was a black man and he felt like it was his responsibility to be a voice for us in the situation and regretted not stepping up. When he said this, both my roommate and I broke down. The evening after the situation, we agonized over it -- we were angry at our co-workers who said one thing and then when it came down to it, did not recognize how to support part of their diverse community. For any other work setting, I would not expect my co-workers to be allies. However, working in this setting demands it. So when he asked for forgiveness, we became really emotional. We left during the beginning of the closing circle to compose ourselves. At the end, we stand in a customary circle and share what we learned. While I was crying most of the time, when it came time for me to share, I laid it out. I shared my disappointment, my hurt and my drive to start more dialogue about race, power and privilege. My roommate also shared and after the session ended, some of the other staff came up and expressed their regrets. When the CEO came up and gave some (quite honestly) lame excuses, I took the opportunity to share with him that this was only the beginning and I tried to articulate the need to walk our talk. I don't know if he really got it. I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Last week, I was re-awakened to the fact that living in a mostly API setting has allowed me the luxury of not seeing racism played out as blatantly. I recognized the fact that "yellow" and "brown" people are often not included in the black/white dialogue on race and power. This experience renewed my vision for advocating for communities of color and gave me the confidence to speak out when I need to be an ally for those who cannot speak for themselves. It's still a work-in-progress, but I was blessed to be a part of engaging those who are "socially conscious" in a wake-up call of sorts. At the same time, this incident sort of woke me up too. Yes, I am angry, Asian -- and a woman.
Our all-staff retreat in LA last week was a time for all of the sites nation-wide to get together and talk about where our organization is going and learn more about the work we do. On Wednesday night all 60+ of us headed over to a soul food restaurant in LA. Before dinner, we shopped around the neighborhood and visited a small African American art museum. The owner gave us a tour and led us into a back room filled with racist memorabilia from the pre-civil rights era. While he was explaining why he decided to form a collection, a member of our group asked him what he would like to tell youth (the man was in his late 60s). The owner explained that he would like to tell young people to know who their parents are and their heritage. In an attempt to illustrate his point, he looks around the room and points at me. He asks me where I'm from - San Jose. No, no, where are your parents from? He asks. Oh no. So I tell him China and Hong Kong. He then decided to use me and the other two Asian Americans in the room to illustrate his point about knowing the language of your parents and where they come from (I wanted to say, actually, my parents are from LA, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise). He also asked me if I knew martial arts. I began to say that it was a misconception... but then he interrupted and continued his diatribe, moving on to grilling the other two APIs (also from San Jose).
After an uncomfortable 5-10 minutes of standing next to him, trying to pretend to be attentive, but noticing the temperature rising in my head, I managed to leave his clutches (He kept grabbing me and hugging me) and slink out the door with one of the other API women. As I was walking away, I was having trouble processing what had just happened in the museum. I'm used to getting these types of questions from older folks. I've even had people ask me about martial arts and assume things about my background. I couldn't articulate what was pissing me off about the situation. Then it came to me. There I was, in the middle of a staff of "diverse" leaders who pride themselves on encouraging Americorps members to explore their own diversity issues and power and privilege. And in the middle of these "socially conscious" people, I felt all alone. In that moment, when the man choose to point me out and ask questions that could have been answered by anyone in the room, I felt alien, other, foreign, non-American.
What also made me feel alone was not only the color of my skin, but was the fact that during the rest of the retreat, no one said anything to us (the API women) about this incident. There were about 30 or more national staff in the room (including the CEO) and no one checked in with me or the API women after it happened. No one tried to see if we were alright. No one said anything. So there we were, Asian women who had just been objectified and therefore, oppressed, in that situation and we had no allies. Ironically, the word "Ally" is part of organization's name.
At the end of the retreat, one of the executive directors from the other site approached my roommate and I (she was one of the other API women) and apologized for not advocating or supporting us in that situation. He was a black man and he felt like it was his responsibility to be a voice for us in the situation and regretted not stepping up. When he said this, both my roommate and I broke down. The evening after the situation, we agonized over it -- we were angry at our co-workers who said one thing and then when it came down to it, did not recognize how to support part of their diverse community. For any other work setting, I would not expect my co-workers to be allies. However, working in this setting demands it. So when he asked for forgiveness, we became really emotional. We left during the beginning of the closing circle to compose ourselves. At the end, we stand in a customary circle and share what we learned. While I was crying most of the time, when it came time for me to share, I laid it out. I shared my disappointment, my hurt and my drive to start more dialogue about race, power and privilege. My roommate also shared and after the session ended, some of the other staff came up and expressed their regrets. When the CEO came up and gave some (quite honestly) lame excuses, I took the opportunity to share with him that this was only the beginning and I tried to articulate the need to walk our talk. I don't know if he really got it. I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Last week, I was re-awakened to the fact that living in a mostly API setting has allowed me the luxury of not seeing racism played out as blatantly. I recognized the fact that "yellow" and "brown" people are often not included in the black/white dialogue on race and power. This experience renewed my vision for advocating for communities of color and gave me the confidence to speak out when I need to be an ally for those who cannot speak for themselves. It's still a work-in-progress, but I was blessed to be a part of engaging those who are "socially conscious" in a wake-up call of sorts. At the same time, this incident sort of woke me up too. Yes, I am angry, Asian -- and a woman.
1/16/2004
can't wait until jan 31
January is a long month. I just returned from an all-staff "retreat" (read: intense conference) in LA for all of the staff nationwide. It was energizing, challenging, exhausting in all aspects of my life: mentally, spiritually, socially, emotionally and physically. I'll write more later. Tomorrow I'm "working" at a youth conference to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. I'm spent.
Here's a quote that relates to what I've learned this week, edited for personal accuracy: "The ultimate measure of a (wo)man is not where (s)he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where (s)he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr.
January is a long month. I just returned from an all-staff "retreat" (read: intense conference) in LA for all of the staff nationwide. It was energizing, challenging, exhausting in all aspects of my life: mentally, spiritually, socially, emotionally and physically. I'll write more later. Tomorrow I'm "working" at a youth conference to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. I'm spent.
Here's a quote that relates to what I've learned this week, edited for personal accuracy: "The ultimate measure of a (wo)man is not where (s)he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where (s)he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr.
1/08/2004
almost done
Today, armed with my new printer, I opened up my can of whoop ass and attacked my worthy adversary. My personal statement is in its final draft. I will soon be able to do my victory dance. Oh wait, I still have to see if I get into to grad school. Doh.
On another note, this small Chinese salesman (who was probably younger than me and then gave me a wide eyed look when I told him I graduated from college awhile ago) convinced me to buy this printer with photo capabilities that cost double what I was planning on spending. He was trying to show me all of the wonderful capabilities even after I agreed to purchase the model, however it kept giving him an error. Finally he gave up and told me that he broke it. I told him that if mine doesn't work, I'm coming back and hunting him down. He laughed nervously and then told me that he works part time at the Campbell store and part time at the Fremont store in case I wanted to find him. It's too bad I never got his name. Oh well, I know what he looks like.
Today, armed with my new printer, I opened up my can of whoop ass and attacked my worthy adversary. My personal statement is in its final draft. I will soon be able to do my victory dance. Oh wait, I still have to see if I get into to grad school. Doh.
On another note, this small Chinese salesman (who was probably younger than me and then gave me a wide eyed look when I told him I graduated from college awhile ago) convinced me to buy this printer with photo capabilities that cost double what I was planning on spending. He was trying to show me all of the wonderful capabilities even after I agreed to purchase the model, however it kept giving him an error. Finally he gave up and told me that he broke it. I told him that if mine doesn't work, I'm coming back and hunting him down. He laughed nervously and then told me that he works part time at the Campbell store and part time at the Fremont store in case I wanted to find him. It's too bad I never got his name. Oh well, I know what he looks like.
my freshman year posse
I like the beginning of the year because that's when people make resolutions. Usually it means that I end up hearing from old friends who vow to keep in touch. Right now I'm on an e-mail chain with my old cohorts from freshman year. One of them is engaged, one of them is in China, one of them has a boyfriend with Leukemia, one of them still plays dodgeball... we're all growing up. My RA from our dorm is also on the list. He was like the big-brother-but-really-studly guy that we made a part of our group. He was too big and white and midwestern for me, but my friends swooned when he was around. I'm surprised he actually wants to keep in touch with us. One of our favorite memories was when we celebrated his birthday by taping up a poster of LeAnn Rimes above his bed, covering his floor with little cups of water and creating a duct tape and soda can wall over his door. Ah, those were the days.
I like the beginning of the year because that's when people make resolutions. Usually it means that I end up hearing from old friends who vow to keep in touch. Right now I'm on an e-mail chain with my old cohorts from freshman year. One of them is engaged, one of them is in China, one of them has a boyfriend with Leukemia, one of them still plays dodgeball... we're all growing up. My RA from our dorm is also on the list. He was like the big-brother-but-really-studly guy that we made a part of our group. He was too big and white and midwestern for me, but my friends swooned when he was around. I'm surprised he actually wants to keep in touch with us. One of our favorite memories was when we celebrated his birthday by taping up a poster of LeAnn Rimes above his bed, covering his floor with little cups of water and creating a duct tape and soda can wall over his door. Ah, those were the days.
1/06/2004
1/03/2004
2003 rears its ugly head
It's 2004 and I already have a short list of haters. The YMCA is on the top of that list. I had to send a fat check to the YMCA for erroneously paying me for the month of December. They thanked me for my honesty. I let them know I was very frustrated with their incompetence. Grrr. The second on my list is the insurance company from the person who hit me in August. They're calling me instead of my insurance company to get more info. Haters number 2! I'm just waiting for a call from the apartment management company from my asbestos-ceiling-falling-down-on-my-possessions incident. Bring it on.
My pessimistic list for 2004: Things I'm dreading
1. My cousin's wedding. At least she'll be too busy getting married to berate me about not eating all of my soup.
2. So... many... weddings... which brings me to number 3
3. Still being broke
4. Turning 26
5. The possibility of moving... again. Why do I do this to myself?
6. One more year closer to my 10 year high school reunion.
So now I guess I have to write an optimistic list for 2004.
1. Seeing college friends
2. 2003 - aka the year of eternal hell - is over... which leads me to number 3
3. 2004 cannot be as bad as 2003
4. More Alias, Scrubs and Friends on TV
5. 4 years with minsoo! :)
It's 2004 and I already have a short list of haters. The YMCA is on the top of that list. I had to send a fat check to the YMCA for erroneously paying me for the month of December. They thanked me for my honesty. I let them know I was very frustrated with their incompetence. Grrr. The second on my list is the insurance company from the person who hit me in August. They're calling me instead of my insurance company to get more info. Haters number 2! I'm just waiting for a call from the apartment management company from my asbestos-ceiling-falling-down-on-my-possessions incident. Bring it on.
My pessimistic list for 2004: Things I'm dreading
1. My cousin's wedding. At least she'll be too busy getting married to berate me about not eating all of my soup.
2. So... many... weddings... which brings me to number 3
3. Still being broke
4. Turning 26
5. The possibility of moving... again. Why do I do this to myself?
6. One more year closer to my 10 year high school reunion.
So now I guess I have to write an optimistic list for 2004.
1. Seeing college friends
2. 2003 - aka the year of eternal hell - is over... which leads me to number 3
3. 2004 cannot be as bad as 2003
4. More Alias, Scrubs and Friends on TV
5. 4 years with minsoo! :)
1/01/2004
2003 isn't over
This past year took the cake in terms of catastrophy and trials... I was reminded of this on New Year's even when I received two direct deposit notices from my old work... for December. I haven't worked there since September. Apparently they decided to start paying me again. After the last over-paying fiasco, I was very clear in letting them know that I was leaving the organization and to stop paying me. I guess they didn't take the hint.
This past year took the cake in terms of catastrophy and trials... I was reminded of this on New Year's even when I received two direct deposit notices from my old work... for December. I haven't worked there since September. Apparently they decided to start paying me again. After the last over-paying fiasco, I was very clear in letting them know that I was leaving the organization and to stop paying me. I guess they didn't take the hint.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
