i paid big bucks and all i got was this dumb paddle
Sorority life left me with little more than a whole bunch of useless crap with Greek letters, "rumors" about crazy sorority pranks and some good stories about my nutty "sisters." Speaking of which...
Sophomore year I set up one of the girls in the house for a formal with my good friend whom I knew in high school. In turn, he set me up with his friend. [Sidenote: Later my sorority sister ended up stalking my friend when he refused her advances. She thought I was against their budding relationship and nicknamed me a "cold bitch." Yes, shocking. We clearned things up, but it was then that I saw her true character, including her psychotic tendencies. But I digress...]
So anyway, my friend set me up with his friend (mostly because he didn't want to go without having another buddy to hang out with). The guy was a year older and probably one of the best dates I've ever been on. He arrived with flowers, was an excellent conversationalist and cut a rug like John Travolta. A great package overall. He actually made the house rounds and went to another one of our formals with another one of my "sisters." Yes he got around with the ladies in my house. But we weren't the only ones...
After the formal we both promised to get together and hang out, but of course, it never happened. The next fall I asked my friend what my good ol' date was up to. Apparentely he had come out of the closet. And then it all made sense... he knew how to salsa, samba, you name a dance and he'd swing his hips to it. And the great conversations we had... I remember thinking that it was like chatting with a girlfriend...
In hindsight, I realized that I could have really been attracted to this guy. Wow, I'm so glad that I didn't get too attached.
So when those girls talk about how their sorority sisters "hooked them up" with hot guys, I have to laugh. All I got was a bunch of traumatic experiences and a few sorority songs taking up too much space in my brain.
4/23/2002
4/21/2002
i'm normal, really, i am
When I was a young child, I was the poster child for sitting still and behaving. My only downfall was that I was so good, it scared me when things didn't happen the way I though they would. After all, I completed my end of the deal by being well-behaved, why couldn't everything else go they way I expected? During one of my parents' bible studies, I cried when I felt everyone was being "too quiet." It turns out they were praying. Another time, my grandfather brought me to a park in San Francisco to take pictures of me in front of some buildings. I cried because he disappeared and left me stranded (he was actually just standing farther away from my line of vision). The picture of me in tears is included in my childhood photo album. One rainy day, my mother left me in the car while she took my sister to preschool. She left a crack in the window and the rain came dripping in. My mom said she'd be back in a minute but she lied and I started to freak out. I was certain that the water level in the car was rising and I'd be underwater in a matter of minutes.
And now, I'm 23 and I haven't grown out of this paranoia and borderline obsessive-compulsive behavior. I'm still learning how to deal with the unexpected as well as learning how to not consider anything outside of my expectations as being set-backs. I still want to cry when I think something is going to go one way and it goes the other way. It still frightens me when I think that the people I trust diverge from my expectations. And I still have an infinite number of worse-case scenarios taking up room in my head.
So far, I haven't made myself crazy. But then again, maybe it's alright to be a little nuts. I guess that why we're supposed to leave the "worrying" (although I can't imagine God stressing out) to God and take things as they come. The only thing I can say is, Lord, please teach me how. I promise I'll take better notes and follow them step-by-step. Just don't pull anything funny on me.
When I was a young child, I was the poster child for sitting still and behaving. My only downfall was that I was so good, it scared me when things didn't happen the way I though they would. After all, I completed my end of the deal by being well-behaved, why couldn't everything else go they way I expected? During one of my parents' bible studies, I cried when I felt everyone was being "too quiet." It turns out they were praying. Another time, my grandfather brought me to a park in San Francisco to take pictures of me in front of some buildings. I cried because he disappeared and left me stranded (he was actually just standing farther away from my line of vision). The picture of me in tears is included in my childhood photo album. One rainy day, my mother left me in the car while she took my sister to preschool. She left a crack in the window and the rain came dripping in. My mom said she'd be back in a minute but she lied and I started to freak out. I was certain that the water level in the car was rising and I'd be underwater in a matter of minutes.
And now, I'm 23 and I haven't grown out of this paranoia and borderline obsessive-compulsive behavior. I'm still learning how to deal with the unexpected as well as learning how to not consider anything outside of my expectations as being set-backs. I still want to cry when I think something is going to go one way and it goes the other way. It still frightens me when I think that the people I trust diverge from my expectations. And I still have an infinite number of worse-case scenarios taking up room in my head.
So far, I haven't made myself crazy. But then again, maybe it's alright to be a little nuts. I guess that why we're supposed to leave the "worrying" (although I can't imagine God stressing out) to God and take things as they come. The only thing I can say is, Lord, please teach me how. I promise I'll take better notes and follow them step-by-step. Just don't pull anything funny on me.
4/12/2002
old faithful
This morning I walked outside and saw D, my roommate by the trash cans throwing away some glass. Last night, someone had broken into M's (my other roommate) car and tried to jack her stereo. Her Toyota Camry was parked behind mine on the end of the culdesac so D said that they might have gotten into mine.
When I walked down the street, sure enough, I saw the little window on M's right back passenger side had been broken into. Her stereo is messed up because the loser thieves couldn't figure out how to jack her cd player. And sure enough, my car was parked right in front of hers, unscathed. My heart sank.
My old faithful '89 Civic is so janky that even though my stereo isn't attached to the car (it's a removable one with a handle), loser thieves didn't even think it wasn't worth breaking into. It's ironic that my rundown car is probably the most secure on the block, not because of it's superb alarm system or unbreakable car windows, but because of its pure ghetto-ness. Those sucka foo car thieves probably already gots themselves a janky car like mine. Maybe they even drove up to my neighborhood in a car like mine, lookin' for some action.
Either way, this experience left me feeling a little bit, well, cheated.
This morning I walked outside and saw D, my roommate by the trash cans throwing away some glass. Last night, someone had broken into M's (my other roommate) car and tried to jack her stereo. Her Toyota Camry was parked behind mine on the end of the culdesac so D said that they might have gotten into mine.
When I walked down the street, sure enough, I saw the little window on M's right back passenger side had been broken into. Her stereo is messed up because the loser thieves couldn't figure out how to jack her cd player. And sure enough, my car was parked right in front of hers, unscathed. My heart sank.
My old faithful '89 Civic is so janky that even though my stereo isn't attached to the car (it's a removable one with a handle), loser thieves didn't even think it wasn't worth breaking into. It's ironic that my rundown car is probably the most secure on the block, not because of it's superb alarm system or unbreakable car windows, but because of its pure ghetto-ness. Those sucka foo car thieves probably already gots themselves a janky car like mine. Maybe they even drove up to my neighborhood in a car like mine, lookin' for some action.
Either way, this experience left me feeling a little bit, well, cheated.
4/11/2002
"balance"
A balanced life is the centered intersection of your values, time and action. That's where integrity resides. - Don Blohowiak
This is the answer to the question that I had been trying to put my finger on ever since Cy asked us this question a few sunday's ago at bible study. Having a "balanced life" has always frustrated me because I never knew how to define "balance." Yes sure everyone has a different definition and it's so subjective. But I always felt there was some sort of way to articulate how one defines balance in their own life. And I'm not talking about how well they manage school work, hanging out with friends and working. Most people talk about balancing these aspects as struggles in time management.
Once again, I have no concrete revelations to share but I think that the quote kind of says it all.
A balanced life is the centered intersection of your values, time and action. That's where integrity resides. - Don Blohowiak
This is the answer to the question that I had been trying to put my finger on ever since Cy asked us this question a few sunday's ago at bible study. Having a "balanced life" has always frustrated me because I never knew how to define "balance." Yes sure everyone has a different definition and it's so subjective. But I always felt there was some sort of way to articulate how one defines balance in their own life. And I'm not talking about how well they manage school work, hanging out with friends and working. Most people talk about balancing these aspects as struggles in time management.
Once again, I have no concrete revelations to share but I think that the quote kind of says it all.
4/09/2002
being "present"
My supervisor shared with me today that she made a promise to herself a few years ago to be "present" in her life. At first I didn't really understand. She explained that there are things that keep you in the past as well as all-consuming thoughts about the future. Instead of dwelling only on the past hang-ups or on what's coming up, she wanted to remain faithful to the present and be conscious of her daily life.
This "simple" concept of living in the present is something that I struggle with. I've internalized the notions that you have to always be watching out for what the future holds, using your past experiences to propel yourself forward toward success. I understand that living in the present doesn't mean we should concentrate only on what is right before us as we do learn from the past and need to push ahead toward the future. But maybe I've been dwelling too much on the past and and obsessing about the future. In my rush to be all "grown-up", I've forgotten God's good gift of youth and of enjoying what he has placed before us.
Honestly, I can't say that I'm going to transform overnight and be 100% "present" in my life, but listening to this concept and seeing it lived out in another person is encouraging me to leave the past behind, keep the future as it is and see the present as a bunch of valuable life lessons.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." - Ecclesiastes 3:1
My supervisor shared with me today that she made a promise to herself a few years ago to be "present" in her life. At first I didn't really understand. She explained that there are things that keep you in the past as well as all-consuming thoughts about the future. Instead of dwelling only on the past hang-ups or on what's coming up, she wanted to remain faithful to the present and be conscious of her daily life.
This "simple" concept of living in the present is something that I struggle with. I've internalized the notions that you have to always be watching out for what the future holds, using your past experiences to propel yourself forward toward success. I understand that living in the present doesn't mean we should concentrate only on what is right before us as we do learn from the past and need to push ahead toward the future. But maybe I've been dwelling too much on the past and and obsessing about the future. In my rush to be all "grown-up", I've forgotten God's good gift of youth and of enjoying what he has placed before us.
Honestly, I can't say that I'm going to transform overnight and be 100% "present" in my life, but listening to this concept and seeing it lived out in another person is encouraging me to leave the past behind, keep the future as it is and see the present as a bunch of valuable life lessons.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." - Ecclesiastes 3:1
4/03/2002
i'm finished fighting
My job has it's high and low points. One of the high points is my supervisor, who just told me she's going to be leaving in a few weeks. She'll be working parttime until they find a replacement or end of June (when I leave), which ever comes first. This took me by surprise. While I'm not shocked that she's want to leave our organization (as I'm eager to end in June), I had expected her to stay on for awhile. I totally respect her decision and fully support this step, but I do feel a little bit lost. She is definitely one of the main reasons why I get up in the morning and drag myself into one of the least supportive working environments I have ever been in.
Most people expect non-profit organizations to be all about supporting each other -- After all, isn't that why we're around? To be the warm and fuzzy in this cold and injust world? This year has opened my eyes to the reality of this industry. My organization truly does strive to serve its community and support the "underserved" (ugh, how I dislike that word). However, their lofty ideals aren't reflected in the management of the organization. My Volunteer Services department (all two of us) have learned the hard way. We were created by the organization yet we have been forced to fight for a legitimate place in the organization, to be recognized as valuable, to be funded, to be supported by other programs so that in turn, we could support them. And as much as I would love to tell you that in spite of these obstacles we have stayed optimistic, the fact is that we have become discouraged and disillusioned. Time and again we have been reminded that we are merely the drive-thru window attendants for volunteers, the volunteer slave drivers, the PR pawns of the organization.
To be honest, I'm usually eager to jump on the company bandwagon. In this case, the only loyalties that I have are to my supervisor and to the volunteers.
There's so much more to say about this. I'll end here for tonight.
My job has it's high and low points. One of the high points is my supervisor, who just told me she's going to be leaving in a few weeks. She'll be working parttime until they find a replacement or end of June (when I leave), which ever comes first. This took me by surprise. While I'm not shocked that she's want to leave our organization (as I'm eager to end in June), I had expected her to stay on for awhile. I totally respect her decision and fully support this step, but I do feel a little bit lost. She is definitely one of the main reasons why I get up in the morning and drag myself into one of the least supportive working environments I have ever been in.
Most people expect non-profit organizations to be all about supporting each other -- After all, isn't that why we're around? To be the warm and fuzzy in this cold and injust world? This year has opened my eyes to the reality of this industry. My organization truly does strive to serve its community and support the "underserved" (ugh, how I dislike that word). However, their lofty ideals aren't reflected in the management of the organization. My Volunteer Services department (all two of us) have learned the hard way. We were created by the organization yet we have been forced to fight for a legitimate place in the organization, to be recognized as valuable, to be funded, to be supported by other programs so that in turn, we could support them. And as much as I would love to tell you that in spite of these obstacles we have stayed optimistic, the fact is that we have become discouraged and disillusioned. Time and again we have been reminded that we are merely the drive-thru window attendants for volunteers, the volunteer slave drivers, the PR pawns of the organization.
To be honest, I'm usually eager to jump on the company bandwagon. In this case, the only loyalties that I have are to my supervisor and to the volunteers.
There's so much more to say about this. I'll end here for tonight.
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