making an exit
So M left today... I didn't say goodbye (but probably should have). His parents packed up his things in a U-Haul and he drove off in his Chevelle, wheels screeching (somewhat symbolically) as he bolted out of our cul-de-sac. He's gone. I feel weird that we actually "forced" a roommate out of our house. I hope this is the end of this drama.

Next step: decide whether I'm going to be living in my house or moving in with my uncle.

yesterday's water works
Yesterday I gave my "presentation of learning" to my Public Allies class, staff, panelists and the community. My parents, minsoo, my friends, my supervisor and mentor were in attendance. I was nervous but prepared to get it over with. I got through 3/4th of my presentation as planned but when I began to speak of my personal learning and growth this year, I totally lost it. Miraculously, I was still able to speak even though the tears were flowing like faucets. It has been an emotional week (these tears marked day number 5 of my tear-fest) and so speaking about my journey this year, with my parents in attendance, really broke me. Fortunately the panelist who critique my presentation ate it up. During the Q&A session, as one ally put it, they "never let up," asking me questions that made me cry even more. They asked me about my future (a sure fire way to teary eyes), my supervisor stood up and read a poem about having God in me (oh goodness, tears for sure), the audience wanted to know about the influence my grandfather has on me (my nose is running) and then the panelists asked my parents to speak about me (it's all over). By the end, most of the staff, many of the allies in my program and probably my friends, were wiping away tears. At least I had good company, as I was wiping away boogers on my sleeve.

My only Christian friend in Public Allies said to me, "God was glorified during your presentation." I really hope so.

if you want me to
"It may not be the way, I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone" - Ginny Owens, "If you want me to"

In the past two years, I've listened to this song so many times, and many of those times I have been brought to tears. It speaks to many young people, especially recent college graduates searching to find their path. It's been relevant to my life this week as I've been struggling with having to make decisions that I had hoped to put off for the summer. This recent turn of events has directly been related to my troublesome roommating situation. I'm now in the process of interviewing for jobs, trying to decide where I'm going to live and trying to finish up my Public Allies year.

It's been 6 grueling days of being refined and broken. I can see that I'm growing and seeing my prayers answered, but in the meantime I'll have to chalk today up as day number 6 of my tear-fest.

30 days
My DSL has returned. Unfortunately I will be relocating in a few weeks, probably to my uncle's house. Stay tuned. Keep me in your prayers, this has not been an easy week.

last day
Today is my last day at the non-profit organization I've been working at since September. I've been counting down the days for awhile.

As I'm preparing for my presentation on Friday where I'll talk about all the "wonderful and lovely" things that I've learned, I'm getting all nostalgic about these past 10 months. It's similar to graduating from school... you have finals (my presentation), "senior week" activities with friends (end of the year retreat with allies in my program), graduation (yes, an actual graduation ceremony). And then it's over and I'm back on the street, lookin' for work.

My mentor was telling me how tumultuous the 20s are in your life. I'm supposed to savor every moment, but I barely have time to breathe, let alone savor the "freedom" (aka instability) I'm supposedly experiencing.

Update on roommating situation: M will let us know whether he wants to stay. If he stays, we'll move and he'll find 3 new roommates. We're basically trying to pay him to leave so we've offered to give his full deposit back right away and help him find a place to live. He'll let us know tonight.

Gooood-ness... this has gone too far
My housemates and I met last Thursday and "set rules" for our house -- Specifically, to close/lock all doors, not to leave the garage door open, not to have more than 2 friends over without letting everyone know in advance, etc. My roommate "M" (the young one) broke ALL of our rules last night. I was with minsoo and I get a call from J tell me that once again, the garage door is open and there's some random people "partying" in front of our house. So I rush home ready to kick M's ass out the door.

Our house meeting goes a little something like this:

(this is an abbreviated version and heavily edited)
J: We set these rules. You broke them. That was disrespectful, I don't feel safe
M: Yeah, well I thought about them and I didn't agree
J: That's it, I'm outta here (packing up her bags and leaving)
Me: M, you have been totally disrespectful and you have violated our trust. You better think about what you want out of a living situation and if it's not this, then I think you should leave. Right now I'm seriously considering moving out.
M: So what is it? Do I need to close the door? So it's NOT okay to have my friends partying here? Just tell me!
D: I'm the newest roommate so I don't really know what to say, but I think J&J are pretty clear, M, about how they feel. We set the rules.
M: Dude. (takes a swig of his 40-ounce)

This is not an exaggeration. In fact, it's an abbreviated version of the madness that is my living situation. Dirty dishes and unlocked doors have escalated into slamming doors and some major conflict.

Dude, and to top things off, I FINALLY GOT MY DSL MODEM IN THE MAIL YESTERDAY. And I'm locked into a year-long contract.

Lord Help me
I never wanted my blog to be a complaint session about my roommate. But...

On Saturday I walked into my living room and noticed that the white papasan chair's footstool was missing. My sister lent me the chair and threatened me about it getting messed up. She's bigger than me (and younger than me) and I fear her. So I freaked. Then I found it... IN THE GARAGE NEXT TO MY ROOMMATE'S TRANSMISSION!!! When I asked him about it, he said he wasn't sitting on it when he was fixing his car, he was "just using it when we were partying last night." Oh, that makes it all better.

Yesterday afternoon, I returned home from work, tired from the day and hot from the 90 degree weather. I found a random couple sitting on my couch watching tv. Being the very bad witness that I am, gave them a dirty look and walked into my room. Who were those suckas?

This morning when I arrived at work, I noticed that there was an English muffin (McDonalds type) stuck to my rear bumper. Had I accidently run over a hungry pedestrian? Was I eating an English muffin this morning? Then I remembered -- a MCDONALDS cup of orange juice in my refridgerator on M's shelf. Grrrrrrr....

My prayer today: "LORD help me. Lord, help me. I am so anal, my roommate is so oblivious. Help me not to kill him."

the mystery of the toilet crap and broken candle holder
After a hectic weekend in Milwaukee for the Public Allies Alumni Convention (You're wrong about Milwaukee, tricia), I had Monday off to recuperate. After attending a funeral, I returned home to discover a load of CRAP in my toilet. I share a toilet with my roommate so I figured the toilet was probably having some trouble. I stood over the toilet, thinking to myself, "Wait a minute, the toilet cover is up and we usually keep it closed...my roommate J is a very clean and respectful person. Why would she take a dump and just leave it?" Perplexed and exhausted, I watched while the stinky crap water rose and almost over flowed in our shoebox-sized bathroom (due to it not being flushed when the deed was done).

I couldn't get this discovery out of my head for the rest of the day. When J finally arrived home, I asked her about the crap. She denied it but then I realized that I had left the house after she did. So wait, did I take the crap and not flush? How could I not remember doing number two? Then I remembered: When I returned home, my roommate M had a visitor today -- his uncle.

While I was waiting to ask him about the mysterious crap, I found my new glass candle holder plate on the mantle had been broken in half. What was going on? First poo and now my new glass candle holder? There was no note by the broken item, no note by the crap in the toilet. Talk about inconsiderate.

So when I approached M about these items, he was so embarrassed. Apparently his uncle had taken a crap in my bathroom and he had also been cleaning out the fireplace and had probably broken the glass holder on the mantle. Gross. Mystery solved.

slow post
My roommates (D&M, the couple) moved out and took the couches, tables, chairs, shabby decor, microwave, can opener and most of the things that made my home comfy including DSL. Pac Bell sucks and therefore I have to call about 5 times before I'm told I need to wait for the "lines to clear" before changing my name and then wait to order DSL AGAIN. Anyway, this is my long excuse as to why I haven't posted in awhile. I usually post at home because doing this at work doesn't feel right (plus I'm paranoid that one of my co-workers will catch me and then find out about my blog. Dude, my roommates don't even know about this blog.)

So anyway, right now I'm a bit disgruntled with Pac Bell so I guess I'll take a break.

questions
Visions of black caps and gowns combined with the oh-so-catchy "pomp and circumstance" still linger in my mind after attending two graduations this weekend. Selfishly, graduations always bring me back to the happier days of romping around campus and procrastinating at the student center with my best friends. It also returns me to panic mode after I zone out during the reading of the graduates' names. This is when I start to obsess: What am I going to do with my life after June 30? What type of career path am I heading toward? Maybe I should go back to school and get a [insert type of degree being awarded at ceremony] degree... It goes on and on.

And yes, I'm fully aware at how faithless I am. I understand that God's will is perfect. But what I'm so unsure of is what I'm supposed to do in the meantime. Am I supposed to open my eyes to God's will by doing tons of stuff to help me "find" what I'm supposed to be discovering? Am I supposed to sit still and let the opportunities come? What's the middle ground that will help take me to the place God wants me at? And do I have to think so hard about it?

Once again, I have no answers. I guess that's just the way it's supposed to be.

unclique-y
In elementary school, I had 2 friends that let me play with them. In junior high, I was in a clique that was too self-involved to notice that I was actually part of their group. In high school, I shed my pink leggings and my posse and never looked back. I had a best friend and I had different groups I hung out with depending on my extra-curriculars (i.e. Band nerds, Journalism geeks, AP crew, student council folks, etc.) but I never had a group to call my own. I rarely went out on the weekends with a huge group of people and I never took any of those professional studio group photos -- the ones with misty backgrounds and fake roses -- with all my girlfriends. It might have been because I was too busy to form a tight clique. At that time, I thought it was because I was really just a total nerd and was only "tolerated" in certain social groups.

This week, I participated in the "gift seat" activity with my team in my Americorps program. One of my gifts, according to my teammates, was that all of the people in our program really responded well to me. They seemed to all like me and I was able to navigate through different cliques in our program, without compromising who I am. One of my teammates also spoke of this "goodness" that I possessed that made me likeable to everyone and a bridge-builder. This was a huge compliment for me. From my perspective, I felt as if I didn't really belong with any group and therefore, had to kinda spend time with different cliques when I was feeling left out of the social circles.

And then I kinda thought about it and realized that it's always been this way. I've always been the third gal when "three's a crowd". I've always felt uncomfortable and "different" in social settings. Whether it's my color, culture, clothes or humor, I always feel different. But according to my teammates, instead of being different, I hold the ability to be with different people. And the ability to be a bridge. All my years in InterVarsity discussing "racial reconciliation" has finally paid off! Ha!

Anyway, it's nice to be validated once in awhile. It's always satisfying to know that being excluded from all of those cliques in school finally paid off. I never wanted to be part of their circle anyways.

blessings
Yesterday was a long day.

Well, compared to all my friends in med school, my long days are probably the equivalent of a standard day on rotations. Anyway, I arrived at work around 7:15 am to meet up with a volunteer who is going to be updating our databases for the next few months. Unfortunately a deadly combination of several glasses of orange juice, a half a bag of "healthy" puff snacks, 1/2 beer, mac and cheese, 2 Mrs. Fields cookies and a few other items destroyed my digestive system the night before. Needless to say, I was still recovering.

So after a full day's work, I rushed up to Palo Alto where I co-facilitated a workshop for a group of high school kids. Their leader is a girl I work with in my Americorps program so she recruited me and another Public Ally to give the kids an introduction to Globalization. After the workshop, I headed home for a meeting with my roommates about whether or not we'd be moving out by June 1st. By then, it was 9:30 pm. PHEW! It was a long day. But when I headed off to sleep that night, I still had energy and I was in a pretty good mood. This totally confused me.

So what I think is that I truly saw God's blessings yesterday. This past weekend was a tough one and filled with many desperate talks with the Lord. I was feeling very defeated, weak in spirit and plain old tired. But last night, He showed me how little faith I have in trusting that HIS way is the best way. I think that despite all the junk going on in my life, I know that God was working in my heart yesterday.

Here's an e-mail I wrote to my friend in the program to share with her my feelings about facilitating the workshop for her kids. I think this was truly one of the best moments I've had in my program in a few months. It's interesting that it was an extra responsibility not related to my regular duties.

Hey Miranda,
I just wanted to thank you for inviting me to be a part of the workshop yesterday. Even though yesterday was a really really long day for me, I was totally awake at like 11pm, feeling energetic and in a good mood.

Now, I guess this could have been attributed to taking a nap midday or possibly learning that there's a possibility that I can stay in my house through June or maybe it was because my stomach had stopped hurting. But I really think that it was because of the YCS Fellows and being able to share what I've learned with them. I'm sure a lot of them were like "Dude, this girl doesn't know what she's talking about", but for me, it was less about what knowledge I could impart on them and more about seeing them in groups, discussing issues with each other, asking good questions and just being young and energetic. Most of my day is spent in front of this computer or in meetings with people who have really lost the idea of engaging the community and are more interested with maintaining status quo.

So yesterday, spending time with your group (even if they were sorta quiet) definitely energized me. I loved it when Chris mentioned learning more about making responsible decisions if he ever became a CEO of a company. Yes, I agree that this is what it's all about -- raising up leaders for tomorrow.

So I just wanted to thank you because I realized that I probably benefitted more from this experience than the kids. I'm getting pretty tired of work in general so I'm grateful for the opportunity to do something non-placement/TSP related and engage the community in another way.

Everything is not going exactly as I planned, but I need to keep remembering good ol' Proverbs 3:5-6... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

homegirl
At 5 pm, minsoo, suave and joonzang arrived at the local multiplex to be at the head of the ticket-holding line for "Spiderman" at 10 pm. It started out as a minor adventure and great material for their weblogs. Jess and I joined the group at about 7:15ish. However our plans of a fun, nerdy evening were severely dampened at about 9:15 pm. This is when a couple decided that they would stand in front of us at the FRONT of the line. Unfortunately the male part of my "posse" was away from the front so I boldly (and uncharacteristically) asked them if they were waiting for the movie and that the line was back behind me. They stared at me blankly and shrugged and I said that a lot of people here had been waiting in line a long time but they didn't budge. So I went to retrive the guys to speak to these line-cutters.

Eventually, discussion failed and a guy in line behind me called security who asked them to leave the line. These two movie-goers were not happy campers. When Minsoo began his usual animated story-telling, the guy walked up to him and wanted to fight because he thought Minsoo was making fun of him. Meanwhile I was trying not to crap in my pants as his girlfriend was giving me the evil eye. Minsoo and Joonzang apologized to the guy later on, but the girl was angry because Minsoo's "homegirl" (I guess that's me) told on them (which I did not).

Finally we were allowed to go into the theater but I kept my "posse" close and even asked a few girls and Joonzang (who waited outside) to accompany me to the restroom where I was sure the ass kicking would occur. Luckily my oh-so intimidating friends were no match for the all-talk angry chica.

So this experience ruined the evening for me. I almost cried during the previews, I was scared to look left or right (so their intimidation worked, I guess) and I was angry that some of the kids from church had probably seen the whole incident.

Dude, the last time someone threatened to beat me up was in the 6th grade. Shannon Something-or-other's sister accused me of talking smack about her and ruining her sister's chance at becoming 6th grade May fair queen. She was a fourth grader.

Anyway, it's late and I'm still trying to shake this experience off... All I wanted to do was go see a fun movie with my friends.

Compassion - Bah
President Bush came to the bay area earlier this week to promote his "compassionate conservatism" campaign AND Republican Bill Simon's run for governor. One of my friends from my Americorps Public Allies program was invited to attend as an example of the alleged "compassionate conservatism" (the gov't partially funds Americorps and is implementing a Freedom Corps). It was quite a whirlwind of White House Aides, background checks, tv and newspaper interviews for my friend in the program. When the story hit the papers she was on the front cover looking very amused at Bush. One of the stories (written by an NU Medill alum, no less) portrayed my friend as being confused and not too thrilled about Bush's visit. Apparently, she wasn't sure why Bush wanted an Americorps member there until she heard his speech and she definitely did not agree with Bush's campaign. Combine this with not being prepped adequately by our staff, and you've got this article.

So now she's getting heat from the national office of our program. They're worried about their funding and their image. They're asking for either a retraction or for my friend to write a letter to the newspaper to clarify some points. My first impression when I read the story (before I knew all of the details involved), was DANG, that reporter is a good journalist. She got my friend to say controversial things, and play up another side of the whole visit that was much more juicy than an article that simply chronicled his visit. I was also quite impressed with the candid statements my friend made (later she told me the reporter called her when she was sleeping and caught her off guard).

In our leadership trainings, we're encouraged to be leaders by speaking openly and honestly as well as being critical thinkers and people who take action. Maybe if all they wanted someone to produce some good sound bytes, they should have asked someone else in another Americorps program, or perhaps someone who was less articulate, less of a leader, less of a critical thinker. I think the article was indicative of what many of us think but would never say had we been given the opportunity to meet the President. I'm glad that she's in some heat. It'll hopefully force the staff will recognize it's need to prepare allies for press meetings more thoroughly.

I'm definitely amused. This experience was a great case study in working with the media from both the press and public's side.

i paid big bucks and all i got was this dumb paddle
Sorority life left me with little more than a whole bunch of useless crap with Greek letters, "rumors" about crazy sorority pranks and some good stories about my nutty "sisters." Speaking of which...

Sophomore year I set up one of the girls in the house for a formal with my good friend whom I knew in high school. In turn, he set me up with his friend. [Sidenote: Later my sorority sister ended up stalking my friend when he refused her advances. She thought I was against their budding relationship and nicknamed me a "cold bitch." Yes, shocking. We clearned things up, but it was then that I saw her true character, including her psychotic tendencies. But I digress...]

So anyway, my friend set me up with his friend (mostly because he didn't want to go without having another buddy to hang out with). The guy was a year older and probably one of the best dates I've ever been on. He arrived with flowers, was an excellent conversationalist and cut a rug like John Travolta. A great package overall. He actually made the house rounds and went to another one of our formals with another one of my "sisters." Yes he got around with the ladies in my house. But we weren't the only ones...

After the formal we both promised to get together and hang out, but of course, it never happened. The next fall I asked my friend what my good ol' date was up to. Apparentely he had come out of the closet. And then it all made sense... he knew how to salsa, samba, you name a dance and he'd swing his hips to it. And the great conversations we had... I remember thinking that it was like chatting with a girlfriend...

In hindsight, I realized that I could have really been attracted to this guy. Wow, I'm so glad that I didn't get too attached.

So when those girls talk about how their sorority sisters "hooked them up" with hot guys, I have to laugh. All I got was a bunch of traumatic experiences and a few sorority songs taking up too much space in my brain.

i'm normal, really, i am
When I was a young child, I was the poster child for sitting still and behaving. My only downfall was that I was so good, it scared me when things didn't happen the way I though they would. After all, I completed my end of the deal by being well-behaved, why couldn't everything else go they way I expected? During one of my parents' bible studies, I cried when I felt everyone was being "too quiet." It turns out they were praying. Another time, my grandfather brought me to a park in San Francisco to take pictures of me in front of some buildings. I cried because he disappeared and left me stranded (he was actually just standing farther away from my line of vision). The picture of me in tears is included in my childhood photo album. One rainy day, my mother left me in the car while she took my sister to preschool. She left a crack in the window and the rain came dripping in. My mom said she'd be back in a minute but she lied and I started to freak out. I was certain that the water level in the car was rising and I'd be underwater in a matter of minutes.

And now, I'm 23 and I haven't grown out of this paranoia and borderline obsessive-compulsive behavior. I'm still learning how to deal with the unexpected as well as learning how to not consider anything outside of my expectations as being set-backs. I still want to cry when I think something is going to go one way and it goes the other way. It still frightens me when I think that the people I trust diverge from my expectations. And I still have an infinite number of worse-case scenarios taking up room in my head.

So far, I haven't made myself crazy. But then again, maybe it's alright to be a little nuts. I guess that why we're supposed to leave the "worrying" (although I can't imagine God stressing out) to God and take things as they come. The only thing I can say is, Lord, please teach me how. I promise I'll take better notes and follow them step-by-step. Just don't pull anything funny on me.

old faithful
This morning I walked outside and saw D, my roommate by the trash cans throwing away some glass. Last night, someone had broken into M's (my other roommate) car and tried to jack her stereo. Her Toyota Camry was parked behind mine on the end of the culdesac so D said that they might have gotten into mine.

When I walked down the street, sure enough, I saw the little window on M's right back passenger side had been broken into. Her stereo is messed up because the loser thieves couldn't figure out how to jack her cd player. And sure enough, my car was parked right in front of hers, unscathed. My heart sank.

My old faithful '89 Civic is so janky that even though my stereo isn't attached to the car (it's a removable one with a handle), loser thieves didn't even think it wasn't worth breaking into. It's ironic that my rundown car is probably the most secure on the block, not because of it's superb alarm system or unbreakable car windows, but because of its pure ghetto-ness. Those sucka foo car thieves probably already gots themselves a janky car like mine. Maybe they even drove up to my neighborhood in a car like mine, lookin' for some action.

Either way, this experience left me feeling a little bit, well, cheated.

"balance"
A balanced life is the centered intersection of your values, time and action. That's where integrity resides. - Don Blohowiak

This is the answer to the question that I had been trying to put my finger on ever since Cy asked us this question a few sunday's ago at bible study. Having a "balanced life" has always frustrated me because I never knew how to define "balance." Yes sure everyone has a different definition and it's so subjective. But I always felt there was some sort of way to articulate how one defines balance in their own life. And I'm not talking about how well they manage school work, hanging out with friends and working. Most people talk about balancing these aspects as struggles in time management.

Once again, I have no concrete revelations to share but I think that the quote kind of says it all.

being "present"
My supervisor shared with me today that she made a promise to herself a few years ago to be "present" in her life. At first I didn't really understand. She explained that there are things that keep you in the past as well as all-consuming thoughts about the future. Instead of dwelling only on the past hang-ups or on what's coming up, she wanted to remain faithful to the present and be conscious of her daily life.

This "simple" concept of living in the present is something that I struggle with. I've internalized the notions that you have to always be watching out for what the future holds, using your past experiences to propel yourself forward toward success. I understand that living in the present doesn't mean we should concentrate only on what is right before us as we do learn from the past and need to push ahead toward the future. But maybe I've been dwelling too much on the past and and obsessing about the future. In my rush to be all "grown-up", I've forgotten God's good gift of youth and of enjoying what he has placed before us.

Honestly, I can't say that I'm going to transform overnight and be 100% "present" in my life, but listening to this concept and seeing it lived out in another person is encouraging me to leave the past behind, keep the future as it is and see the present as a bunch of valuable life lessons.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." - Ecclesiastes 3:1

i'm finished fighting
My job has it's high and low points. One of the high points is my supervisor, who just told me she's going to be leaving in a few weeks. She'll be working parttime until they find a replacement or end of June (when I leave), which ever comes first. This took me by surprise. While I'm not shocked that she's want to leave our organization (as I'm eager to end in June), I had expected her to stay on for awhile. I totally respect her decision and fully support this step, but I do feel a little bit lost. She is definitely one of the main reasons why I get up in the morning and drag myself into one of the least supportive working environments I have ever been in.

Most people expect non-profit organizations to be all about supporting each other -- After all, isn't that why we're around? To be the warm and fuzzy in this cold and injust world? This year has opened my eyes to the reality of this industry. My organization truly does strive to serve its community and support the "underserved" (ugh, how I dislike that word). However, their lofty ideals aren't reflected in the management of the organization. My Volunteer Services department (all two of us) have learned the hard way. We were created by the organization yet we have been forced to fight for a legitimate place in the organization, to be recognized as valuable, to be funded, to be supported by other programs so that in turn, we could support them. And as much as I would love to tell you that in spite of these obstacles we have stayed optimistic, the fact is that we have become discouraged and disillusioned. Time and again we have been reminded that we are merely the drive-thru window attendants for volunteers, the volunteer slave drivers, the PR pawns of the organization.

To be honest, I'm usually eager to jump on the company bandwagon. In this case, the only loyalties that I have are to my supervisor and to the volunteers.

There's so much more to say about this. I'll end here for tonight.