no, this is not about my thesis project
I'm back (although you probably didn't know I was gone). After pulling an all nighter for our project, then engaging in some retail therapy (of which I still need to put in a few more sessions) I took a 1 day break from sitting at my dining room table doing school work to head up north for my great-aunt's funeral. She was my grandmother's closest sister (of 9 bros/sis!). I remember when my grandmother died, my great aunt was there and was a great comfort to my mom as well as my sister and I. It was sad saying good-bye, but she was in so much pain that it was better for her to be at rest. Although funerals are typically supposed to be sad, this one became a happy reunion of sorts for my mom and her gazillion cousins. It was fun to see her cousins and to see second cousins. I realized I have a lot of distant relatives that I don't know. Most of them don't look anything like me or my sister so if I passed them on the street I wouldn't know they were related. I think my mom wants us all to meet in some huge second cousin reunion. I'm sure there's like 30 of us at least.

Saturday's event was a whirlwind of eating and eating Chinese food -- the funeral was a "break" from our meals. I felt sort of sick that evening but went to the in-laws place to hang and ended up eating and then going out for dessert with friends. It was a really nice break, even if it was only a 23 hour trip.

I'm back at the table, trying to finish up 2 final projects before heading back into the thesis project. I'm excited to work on this project because it's a legitimate break from our thesis project. How sad is that?

no sleep 'till it's done
Last night was my first grad school all-nighter. Our rough draft was due today and S-Thai and I worked like crazy. I am too old to stay up all night. This past few weeks has been filled with a lot group thesis project drama. I think we're headed for a break-up but it's going to be messy. Who's going to get the kids (aka the paper sections)? How do we handle "joint" custody?

tick tick tick
68 hours until the rough draft of our group client project draft is due. Apparently my male group members are sweating bullets -- as well they should be. Spicy Thai and I are doing quite well although much is to be done and I'm going to take this deadline as an opportunity to make this project as kick ass as is possible given that S-Thai and I have been forced to take on the roles of project managers/hand-holders/fire-lighters-under-asses/task-masters. Neither of us want this job, but unfortunately this is the only way to get work done. And can I just tell you how much I dislike managing projects that are supposed to be "group" projects. It's like someone hiring you to be part of your "team" and then dumping all the work on you. These guys brought us into this project and we've ended up driving the process.

Another one of our classmates (also in our strong, short Asian woman gang) is doing a similar project to ours and has inadvertently become our support system. I've tried to hold back from complaining about our group dynamics from people outside our group, but I find that she understands our dilemma and is one of "us". That being asid, I think we are helping her feel better about deciding to do her client project solo. Today I was talking to a first year about our group project and she was like, thats really cool, I didn't know you could do the project in a group! And I said, yeah you can... but don't do it.

dude digging

I used this photo as part of a project to explain why this vacant lot would be a good open space in Chinatown. The actual title to this photo, according to minsoo, is "Dude digging." Yes, indeed, one of the major "assets" of this lot is a dude digging for bottles. Dig on, brother. 

7 days
It's T-minus 7 days until the rough draft of our group thesis project is due, and it's not going well. What I mean by "not well" is that we've been going through a rough patch, which some might say is our "storming" phase. I've begun to think of our group as a relationship, one that is not going so well, but we stay in, because we want to make it work so bad. You all know what I'm talking about. So we've been having some intense DTRs. We've talked about changing our ways, getting better, communicating more, initiating more and *gasp* breaking up. See? It is like being in a dating relationship... and it's more like being in a dysfunctional relationship. I'm ready to break up, but my partner in crime (not Minsoo, but my friend, "spicy thai") who is helping me get through it.

One of the most challenging aspects of this whole process is working with someone who seems to be intimidated by me. Yeah, I know intimidated (I hear the laughter). The funny thing is, it's my SIZE that intimidates him. Apparently he's intimidated by short people. At the beginning, I was like, haha and I would joke around by saying "boo!", pretending to scare him. Now I really think it's affecting our work. It's possible that his expectations/characterization of what I'm (and the other female in the group) supposed to be like as a small Asian woman is proving a challenge for him in working with us. As I reflect on our conversations, I realized that he does comment on my gender, ethnicity and size in relation to whatever quality he sees in me (i.e. "Boy, you're an empowered Asian woman!"). And while initially this might seem complementary, I realize that I am also labeled in these instances and that maybe I am exceptions to the rules of women that he already has in his head. It troubles me because while I know it comes into play in the way he interacts with us, I refuse to fit into his mold of what I should be in order ot make him feel better or more comfortable. I've worked too hard to learn how to find my voice and speak my mind. I realize that I need to be careful with what I say, but that doesn't mean not being honest and saying what I need to say.

Anyway, F-r-u-s-t-r-a-t-i-n-g. An understatement.

like toast
I've been feeling very Jessie-Spano-on-no-doze lately. I work like a maniac, but there's still more to be done. I sleep out of necessity, but I don't rest. I eat, but I don't feel satisfied. Dealing with my group thesis project has made me feel like I'm in PA all over again, struggling to apply all of the group process know-how and communication skills I learned oh-so many years ago. I wish I still had a program manager so I could process and discuss and gain some perspective. I've also taken to chanting to myself "keep it together, keep it together" (from bowfinger_) and baking/eating an exorbitant amount of baked goods. Additionally, I don't feel happy about school like I normally do and this is distressing. My nerdom is usually unstoppable but this project has really worn me down.

I'm burnt out.

gray-forehead day
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. It's never been a super significant day (*all the good Christians gasp*) for me as growing up, my SouthernBaptist church never celebrated it. They liked to keep Easter real, old school bible style. Anyway, minsoo's church did something for it once and as a result, I began to see it as a significant day for Churched people (myself included). Anyway, I only learned it was going to be gray-forehead day when I looked at my lame-o ucla-approved student planner and there it was:

"Happy Birthday Tommy Clarke! First Day for Issuing UCLABruincard to new and reentering students. Ash Wednesday. Women's history month begins."

Did you catch it? Yeah, I almost didn't. Anyway, one more point for being a "bad" Christian.

Anyway on a more serious Christian-related note, I was looking at one of my favorite verses, Micah 6:8 -- "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." I realized that, I totally ignore the last two parts of the verse in my daily life. I'm all about standing on my soapbox and talking about justice and mercy, but I lack mercy toward others in general (especially crazy LA drivers) and I'm not even going to go into that being humble part.

Jennifer Knapp says it well in her song "Martyrs and Thieves":
"So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain....

Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
To reveal all of You that I can"

the voices in my head say i am a badass
Last night, I inadvertently stuck it to the man (aka K1nkos). This morning, I was sitting in class after turning in my assignment when I remembered that I didn't pay for the transparency paper I used in the self-serve photocopy machine. I was so frustrated with the non-working color copier that I just left without stopping by the cash register. AW YEAH! I stuck it to the man... by accident! My friend said that I was just making up for the lost computer time that they should have credited me for considering the printer didn't work. Today, when I realized this fact, I was so self-congratulatory, that it was pathetic.

is this the popcopy?
I've been taking a physical planning class and it involves a lot of creative juices in the visual art department. I'm definitely not visually artistic, so it's been like pulling teeth to get my assignments done. On top of that, my prof likes us to print out our work on 11x17 paper in color.

This means the dreaded trip to k1nkos. Trips to K1nkos are one of the most energy-draining activities. The place has the worst customer service, second only to Fry's_Electronics, [although whenever I go there, I use my "helpless untechnologically saavy female" routine, which gets me what I need to get, but makes me feel all icky inside]. I always leave feeling as if the time monster has just placed time-sucking zombies into my life to make things as inefficient and time consuming as possible

Today I went to TWO k1nkos. The first k1nkos gave me a total run-around. When I got there, I had to wait for a computer to be ready, then when it was, it had some kind of error. So I brought my laptop and tried to network to their system to print from there. I couldn't so asked someone. They said they'd help me, but then left to help 2 other people. I asked another guy and he says that I'll need a CD and the manager has it and I should try a computer. So I try the same computer that I think was broken and it surprisingly works now. I think it's conspiracy to drive me nuts. Then I try and print and the printer is off. So I tell a girl who works there and she turns it on and tells me it's going to take a long time to warm up. So I log off (but not before $3.50 in unnecessary computer charges) and wait... and wait... and wait... I see a weird message on the printer, so I ask the girl who works there. She says to ask another worker. I ask the worker and he goes, "Oh, the printer isn't working today." and turns it off. UM HELLO, wouldn't it be nice if there was a SIGN or something telling me so I didn't spend 10 minutes standing by a broken printer???? I leave,feeling defeated, with minsoo in tow. k1nkos has already broken my spirit, i expect nothing less than total frustration.

When I got to the second k1nkos I was a bit irate but not enraged. It took me a bit to flag someone down to send my large printing job to the printer. When I got my printing out, I wanted to hug my documents.

By this time, I'd spent 2.5 hours making a "quick trip to k1nkos."

this is just 1 of 4 things i've been working on all weekend. i like pictures.  

aside from my thesis project, this is what i've been doing all quarter 

glug glug glug
That is the sound of me drowning in all of the work I have to do in the next month. The rough draft of our final group thesis project is due next month and we are far from the draft stage of our project. It's hard to stay motivated when I'm feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated with all of the stuff we have to do. On top of this project, my classwork this quarter is pretty time consuming and challenging.

My school friend told me that he already landed a full-time job post-graduation. Oh yeah, I'm going to graduate in June too and need to look for a job.

glug glug...

nothin's gonna get me down
This is my 5th day engaged in major battle for my immune system against what I've named "sicky sickerson" -- the middle-of-the-quarter-stress cold. So far, I think I have the upper hand in this game as I did some Bush-like pre-emptive strikes on my body. My arsenal was pretty effective -- Emergen_C, A1rborne, homemade Chicken soup (yes I made it all by my sickself), tea, sleep and sweatpants. I haven't fallen victim and am determined to hold my ground as I have a paper due tomorrow.

You can't get me sickerson -- I know you too well. I've ignored your threats before and become victim to your viruses. NO MORE! I will not be taken down.

10 years
This week, i received my first set of e-mails about our 10-year high school reunion.

My closest friend from HS (and one of my bridesmaids) is partially responsible for setting off this dangerous chain of events. She love running into people from HS and actually has interesting conversations with them that are not awkward at all. I think she initiated the reunion discussion with another girl i know. In this way, we are polar opposites. I really don't want to reunite with people who saw me when I inadvertently tried to bring the bowl haircut back in fashion. I also don't want to run into people who booed me after the 8th grade speech contest because I beat the popular guy. I also do not want to awkwardly converse with people who tripped me in the halls and then tried to befriend me so they could copy my homework.

Ah high school, I'm getting all tingly inside.

i wish i carried ninja stars in my pocket
As part of one of my classes, I have to pick a neighborhood and research the types of land uses and user groups in this particular area. I picked Chinatown, to keep it real, of course. It's pretty far from my place, but I figured that I could link this class work to my client thesis project. I've been visiting the area at least 2 times a week so I've gotten pretty attached to the neighborhood. I went on Saturday afternoon to observe user groups at one of my favorite intersections. There's a rec center, a school and a temple the area and tons of people walking up and down the streets.

When I got there, I decided to take a walk around the block. I was walking by the elementary school, when I noticed a guy standing behind a little brick wall. I thought he might be waiting for someone in the shade, or even taking an unexpected pee break. As I was walking by, I noticed he was not doing either, but was instead, was exposing/playing with himself as he watched the little kids playing across the street. It was one of those things that you see and then when you walk away, you say, "Did I just see what I think I just saw?" OH HELL NO.

It was horrible and horrifying. I walked around the corner and reported this pervert at the community safety station. It took me so long to explain to the guy what I'd just seen -- because it's hard to tell someone that you've just seen someone whacking off while watching little kids without using graphic language. Anyway, the safety guy said he'd call the police, but I'm sure the perv had already left his little hiding spot. As I walked back to my car, I started to feel more and more enraged. I was angry because on many levels, this basic violation happens all the time, whether it's perverts on the street watching little girls, or kiddie porn on the web or the sex trade. As an Asian female I am so enraged at the way women and especially women of color are over-sexualized and exploited. Some people may think that this incident is unrelated, but I feel like there are so many connections to larger issues that help perpetuate these cycles. I also could see myself in these these little Chinese girls playing on the street and wanted so badly to protect them.

Today, I was getting groceries out of my car, which was parked across the street from my apartment. I noticed a gigantic Navigator-like car double parked down the street. A second later, the car pulls up, blocking my access to my apt building. The male driver stops and says, "Hey can I have one of those? A drink or something?" After yesterday's incident, I was in no mood to talk to any strangers, especially someone that seemed to be creating a serious safety issue for me by blocking me between my car trunk, the car parked behind me and his car. So I glared at him and said "NO" and continued getting my groceries out. He asked me a few more questions and then drove off. I booked it to my apartment building and retreated inside the gated door.

These are the times when I wish I had a team of assassins or hitmen whom I could whistle or call for to kick ass. I also wish that I carried a sword or a shank or something so that I could take matters into my own hand. I wish I was so empowered that perverts would know that they couldn't F*** with the little Asian girl.

sometimes i'm a little too intense...
I almost had a moment today. By moment, I mean a point in the day when something makes me so impatient/annoyed/irritated/frustrated that I feel like exploding. This moment came during our physical planning class. The graduate advisor interrupted our class to tell us that our department was going through an audit and needed student feedback for the guest panel who was evaluating the program. Our prof decided that our class needed to become the spokespeople for our program and "generously" allotted almost an hour for us to come up with key points to share with the panel. Normally a distraction from a 3 hour class would be welcome. However today our first assignment was due and all of us had spent tons of time on our land use maps. I spent like $20 using the computer and color printing my maps at kinkos so I was prepared to show off my work. Instead of presenting our work like we all thought, we ended up having a complaint session about our program. Twenty bucks down the tube.

The conversation (sans professor who said she wasn't allowed to be there) digressed quickly into a gripe session. Instead of creating a set of solid points, we ended up with a laundry list of random requests and complaints. I guess the point of explosion almost happened during the following moments:
- white girl complains that out-of-state tuition is too expensive. um hello -- this is a freakin public school! many people go to public schools b/c it's affordable for them and they have no choice but to go to school near their home. this girl was complaining b/c she's from out of state. oh yeah, and later she complained that we didnt' have a course that featured a trip abroad like columbia (which she was also considering attending). um girlie, we're a public school. if we lower your tuition, we are definitely not going to have a course with a trip abroad. additionally, why didn't you go to columbia instead of UCLA? The tuition is almost the same. also, can we talk about white privilege here???

- large white dude wearing a suit (had to put that in) was complaining about the lame required classes. totally off topic, just wanted to hear himself speak and dominated the conversation with useless "suggestions". ugh already on my do-not-acknowledge list. (okay, i'm harsh, but whatever)

- older latino dude makes good point about how our convo is not really addressing the issues that the panel wants to hear and everyone ignores him. i'm nodding my head and trying to raise my hand but white people are taking up too much space complaining about things that the panel doesn't care about. white girls are still distressed about lack of real estate finance classes (um, you should have gone to USC_fools!)

- I approached the rep who was organizing the student responses to follow up with him about some of the points (namely about how the diversity was dependent on diverse faculty, etc. etc.) and the dude (who is also the freakishly tall Asian dude) stares at me blankly while I talk to him. Maybe he couldn't hear up there. Or maybe I scared him into silence. All I know is that I felt like I was talking to a wall. I almost growled after talking to him. A classmate asked if I was hopped up on something.

I guess I'm frustrated b/c 1. I didn't get to present my ass-kicking maps (take that white girl who wanted to steal my chinatown area!); 2. the convo could have been way more productive and constructive and strategic and powerful. and 3. the racial/privilege dynamics were so present that it gave me a yucky feeling in my mouth.

yo, it's only week 2
I need a moment to complain about school.

Although in my previous post I was celebrating becoming an "et al" apparently now this new title comes with a catch. My professor told me that I should take a research methods class that he's teaching this quarter. Unfortunately, I've already signed up for a full load of classes and I am happy with the classes. My professor (um, also my advisor) suggested that I take the class because I was already ahead of the group since my paper was almost done. And he hinted that the class might help solidify my co-author status. Yeah, shady.

So basically I've been coerced to take an additional class. On top of that, he told me on Friday that there's already an assignment due so I've been rushing around trying to make up for not bothering to show up for his first class (as I wasn't going to take it, ahem). Also, the assignments are mostly irrelevant to my interested and are mostly geared toward PhD-track students, of which I am not (although have been considering). He also set up a listserv so I've been getting like 5 annoying e-mails/day from the people in the class. I am refusing to share anything online in silent protest, even though people keep saying "Hey, where is everyone else in this class?" I'm here sucka.

This quarter is already shaping up to be a doozy. I guess I'm best when I'm harried, stressed and sleep deprived. Bring it on -- I'll take you down... down to Chinatown (which coincidentally I must visit a couple of hours, 2x/week because of another time-intensive class)

Waaaaahhhhh. Needed to get that out of my system.

it's only sad if you get caught
I got caught enjoying my own blog today. I was sitting across from Minsoo, checking out my latest post on my group's client project blog (upclientproject.blogspot.com) when he asked, "What are you reading?"

When I told him it was my own blog, he cracked up. He said he was wondering what I was reading since I was staring at my screen, grinning to myself. Dang it, I got caught enjoying RE-reading my own story. How sad.

crazy delicious
I know it's been a crazy 3 weeks when my body aches and complains that I've aged it 10 years. Brief recap:
- The week before Christmas I spent a nail-biting week writing a paper based on a packet of statistical analyses that I didn't understand. My prof liked it (ha, i tricked him) and now I will become an "et al". You can call me et.

- Dec 24-28: Christmased with my clan and immediately went up to visit with minsoo's clan.

- watching The Video: best wedding gift that a bunch of high schoolers could have given us.

- Post Christmas: drove home and the next day, picked up Phil's mom who was in town to help our cousin have her baby. Baby came out, we drove around, etc. Crazy baby love ensued.

- New Year's: Chilled out, but spent a lot of time visiting new baby and eating myuk gook. Watched our moms fight over the dim sum check.

- Tuesday-Sun: Hannah came down to join baby love-in. Procrastinated like crazy with the sis I-L, taking her shopping (where she watched ME buy things and I made her buy something) and playing our new favorite (but stinkin' hard) Trivial_pursuit pop culture2. Rad! It was good to hang out and play a bit. Yay for (yet another) sister in the house.

- Fri-Sun: Friends from NU arrived for a wedding, bringing with them the most cake eating in one weekend that I've ever experienced: CupCAKES (Red Velvet at Toast -- YUM - Yay for Couscous, the person, not the grain), Cake from Sweetladyjane's (6 different types - yes, tricialae, cake for breakfast is gooood for you), Wedding cake (chinese cake, yummy with champaign!) and Ice Cream cake (yay for nakji getting old!). *burp*cake tastes yummy. stomach feels funny.

- Sat: Yay for newly-weds Jerry and Chris-Anne. We were all commenting on how happy Jerry looked. I don't think I've ever seen him smile for that long. And don't even get me started on the dancing...

- Weekend Fun times with friends included consuming alcohol (on and off) from 1pm to 1am, eating sushi x2/thai/cuban/korean all in 1 weekend (this is why LA ROCKS), playing guesstures (now I know how to describe bowl-legged), hanging out with the girls and grilling tricialae (straight outta SATC)... so many fun times to remember.

- Monday: Although the weekend ended, we still had nakji in town so we went out for some korean bbq at _Suhrabal. I'd never been there and wasn't really excited about the meat cooking since I was in the mood for soondubu. However, the restaurant served up some of the best kalbi and kalbi jjim that i think I've tasted in recent history. I may have to forgo the gluttony of manna so we can partake in _Suhrabal's yummyness. So good, I was still talking to minsoo about how tender the meat was 3 hours after our meal. I think I'm a little bit in love.

This was a good way to end the weekend and begin the toughest quarter of my grad school career. Yay for family, friends and food. Miss you guys already. :)

q. how can gas "fuel" a revolution?
a. Citgo.

Yo, I've heard about this, but wanted to pass it along, esp for those of you who live near where this gas station is popular. Since most of us drive, this is a tangible way to do something sort of good (I say sort of b/c NOT driving is probably the best option)...

Buy Your Gas at Citgo: Join the BUY-cott!
by Jeff Cohen (CommonDreams.org)

Looking for an easy way to protest Bush foreign policy week after week? And an easy way to help alleviate global poverty? Buy your gasoline at Citgo stations.

And tell your friends.

Of the top oil producing countries in the world, only one is a democracy with a president who was elected on a platform of using his nation's oil revenue to benefit the poor. The country is Venezuela. The President is Hugo Chavez. Call him "the Anti-Bush." [WL note: he's also the guy who Pat Roberson and the oh-so-wonderful 700 club wanted the US to assasinate. Oh those religious nuts.]

Citgo is a U.S. refining and marketing firm that is a wholly owned subsidiary of Venezuela's state-owned oil company. Money you pay to Citgo goes primarily to Venezuela -- not Saudi Arabia or the Middle East. There are 14,000 Citgo gas stations in the US. (Click here http://www.citgo.com/CITGOLocator/StoreLocator.jsp to find one near you.) By buying your gasoline at Citgo, you are contributing to the billions of dollars that Venezuela's democratic government is using to provide health care, literacy and education, and subsidized food for the majority of Venezuelans.

Instead of using government to help the rich and the corporate, as Bush does, Chavez is using the resources and oil revenue of his government to help the poor in Venezuela. A country with so much oil wealth shouldn't have 60 percent of its people living in poverty, earning less than $2 per day. With a mass movement behind him, Chavez is confronting poverty in Venezuela. That's why large majorities have consistently backed him in democratic elections. And why the Bush administration supported an attempted military coup in 2002 that sought to overthrow Chavez.

So this is the opposite of a boycott. Call it a BUYcott. Spread the word.

Of course, if you can take mass transit or bike or walk to your job, you should do so. And we should all work for political changes that move our country toward a cleaner environment based on renewable energy. The BUYcott is for those of us who don't have a practical alternative to filling up our cars.

So get your gas at Citgo. And help fuel a democratic revolution in Venezuela.

no smug married couples here.

no smug married couples here.
We took our first official step toward actually joining a church community this weekend. We went to a retreat for the entire church -- all 3 huge sites of them. It was unlike any other retreat I'd been to -- partially because I didn't leave completely exhausted.

Anyway, one story: at the beginning of the singing time on the first night, to get the crowd warmed up, the MC went through rounds of "if you are a (name-your-life-position) stand up and clap your hands". People were really getting into it. After about 4 rounds of doing this, almost everyone was on their feet clapping -- except for me and Phil and this other couple sitting behind us. They had called out for mothers, fathers, kids, youth, singles to stand... and totally forgot about childless couples. The MC kept saying, "it looks like everyone is up, did I forget anyone? did I forget anyone?" We were too far from the front to shout "YES,CHILDLESS MARRIED COUPLES!" Plus it'd be kinda awkward. So finally, the MC dude should, uh, "If you go to church, stand up!" Phew, yes, I DO go to the church.

Anyway, it sort of seemed like we were a minority demographic - not cool enough to hang out with groups of singles (no seriously, no singles wanted to hang out with us once they found out we were married) and not 'legit' enough to bear off-spring. It was sort of strange. We actually befriended another couple in a similar situation so at least we had some sort of comraderie. All of the people in our small group were either older, married w/kids or single and more interested in meeting up with their single friends than hanging out/inviting us to hang out with them. All in all, I was not altogether jazzed about the weekend. Whoever said that being married couple gets you into a "club" needs to show me where that freakin' club is so I can protest it -- b/c it's a damn lie.

math fun
I don't know much about statistical methods, so I've been desperately looking up info on the internet to help me with my research job over winter break. Here are a few economic terms that I stumbled upon and needed to share:

The Habakkuk Thesis: The Habakkuk thesis is that high wages and labor scarcity stimulated technological progress in the U.S. in the 1800s, and in particular brought about the American system of manufacturing based on interchangeable parts.

The Hahn Problem: The Hahn problem a.k.a. The Hahn (1965) question: when does there exist an equilibrium in a model in which money has positive value?

I know some Hahns -- Brothers J, can you relate?

my new sweatsuit
My tummy is filled with fried rice, kimchee, cookies and pumpkin ice cream.... I feel icky. The strange thing is that I also feel super comfy in my new velour sweat suit. This thing makes everything good. I used to have 3 sets of sweat suits, but they were lost in the apartment disaster of '03 and I hadn't replaced them yet. Over t-day weekend I went shopping with Hannah and Sarah and purchased a new one that is oh-so-comfy. So comfy, that almost every day I come home and immediately change into them, like how Mr. Rogers put on that cardigan when he came home. Anyway, it's almost like the clothing-version of a security blanket. It immediately comforts me, no matter how many papers I have due or how icky I feel from stuffing myself with crappy food.

Ah velour sweat suit pants, my new friend. Drawstring waistbands are the best. Hurrah for pants that don't have to be hemmed!

New and exciting!
2 things:

1. UCLA vs. Northwestern in the Sun Bowl... what to do? what to do? I think I will wear both my UCLA and NU t-shirt during the bowl game and alternate between the two. Or does that seem insane? I think I'll wear my NU shirt sometime this week. Maybe this time, people won't ask if Northwestern is in Seattle. No stupids, it's not!

2. My client project team started a blog to share our nerd adventures as we study gentrification and equitable development in LA's Asian ethnic enclaves.. Check it out.

http://upclientproject.blogspot.com

If you like my nerd talk, you will like this new blog. I think.

the other "woman"
I've been battling a cold this week brought on by allergies and this crazy dry weather. On Wednesday, I felt so sick after my classes so I decided to skip a club meeting on campus that evening and head home early. I called minsoo on my way home to see when he would be home because he also had a late meeting at school. He was already at home when I called so I told him I'd be coming home early too. Instead of the usual positive response I get when I tell my husband I'm coming home early, I got these awkward ums and okays and "I thought you'd be coming home late". So I jokingly respond to this awkwardness by saying, "yeah, so you need to tell that other woman to leave now." And he responded: "It's just that I was going to make some kimchee jjigae and I know you're not a fan of the smell."

Kimchee jjigae: the other woman in my husband's life.

Don't worry, we're in an "open" relationship so I will peacefully co-exist with the KJ, no matter how stinky.

Hannah, This is for you. 

'nuf said. 

My Grandmother, enjoying Chinese food in Milpitas. She's like 97. 

My Grandmother. At the GreatMall. Getting a Coloring Book. From Santa.  

heading toward dec
It's been a stressful few weeks. My professors have decided that a majority of the assignments should be due in November instead of in Dec, near finals. It's good because I'm done with most of my assignments in Nov, but this month has worked me good. To add to the stress, most of the assignments have included presentations and negotiation exercises where we have to defend our group projects. Speaking in public and trying to sound smart just increases my stress exponentially.

Anyway, I'm super friggin tired of group projects. I have one group project that is currently my own personal hell, probably because we were assigned these groups so I wasn't able to pick my gang of four. Since our professor failed to teach us anything, the only people who know what is going on are the people who have work experience in the topic and people who pretend they know everything. As a result, I'm experiencing the "weakest link" syndrome where people ignore me when I ask questions/make suggestions and set up meetings during times when they know I won't be in town (which makes me feel as if I'm not valuable to the group). It's a fun fun time in group land. I am definitely not comfortable with this position as I'm used to being "super group member" and not dead weight. I am already make mental notes to share on our course evaluations. I'm trying to think of comparable phrases to "This class sucks".

I just want to crawl into bed and recooperate.

One more week and then it'll be Dec... one more week and then it'll be Dec...

is it cold where you are?
Yesterday was Chicago's first snow day. It was also the 3rd or 4th day of 80+ degree weather and red flag fire danger warnings in LA. Ah, Global warming. I am no longer going to brag about our unseasonably good weather, because it has gotten so out of hand. One week it's rainy, the next week it's dry and hot. Pretty soon the tanning salons will be out of business. It doesn't seem natural (both the weather and the tanning salons). And frankly, the crazy weather we've had world-wide in the past few years is starting to really scare me.

I am glad for the sun, though, since my toe is stil not shoe-ready.

new tv guilty pleasure
My new guilty pleasure? The tvshow-Biggest_Loser. Yes, I know, it seems like such a messed up idea for a reality show: Overweight people stay at a big house while they lose weight by working out with insanely fit and intense trainers. Each week, they do a weigh-in and if the contestants loses less weight (body weight percentage) than the others, they can be "voted" off the ranch. Seems harsh, right?

However, the show is kind of heartwarming. I know, I know, sounds crazy. I mean, even the show title is so degrading. But hear me out. Many of the moments they show are of these people talking about how much they care about their families and how much self-confidence they are getting. There's surprisingly a lot of tear-jerking moments and crazy transformations. It's almost like watching thathome makeover show (you know what I mean). Anyway, I'm hooked and I can't stop watching. I think they need to bring out the next season ofScrubs, and quickly.

those ingenious little rice squares
On Saturday afternoon, I did some all-you-can-eat Korean barbecue at our favorite k-town make-your-clothes-stinky restaurant. We went with some people from northern california who were dduk bo sam virgins (all Koreans, by the way) so when the rice didn't show and we asked the waiter for the rice squares, our friends were taken aback. They were even more confused when the squares appeared on our table. One of my friends grabbed like 10 of the squares and took a few bites out of them, all at once. I had to explain to him the process of taking one thin sheet, dipping the beef in the salty/oily mixture and rolling the saucy meat in the dduk bo sam. Our friends were in awe of this new trend in Korean BBQ. After I explained the process minsoo said, "Dude, you just got schooled by a Chinese girl." Indeed.

That same weekend, I also gave my Asian classmates a "tour" of K-town, as if marrying a Korean granted me knowledge of all-that-is-Korean. Hm, maybe it did.

to be young, gifted...and asian
I'm beginning to think that I don't want to work at non-profits after graduation because I sort of feel like the current ones have already been co-opted by "the man." Most scramble around in their own communities, following the grant money that the government sprinkles at non-profits, trying to keep themselves afloat in the system, trying to gain polical influence and power, not really doing any real transformative work, but merely sustaining the underclass with just enough services to keep them barely afloat.

So essentially, I'd still be "selling out" by working for non-profits. And if I'm going to "sell out," I feel like I should at least make some serious cash, right? If I'm going to sell out, I gotta do it big, no? That way, when I start the revo-whatever-the-heck-it-is, I don't have to rely on the system.

I think I'm getting more radical because of school. I love school because I get to study tons of cool topics all the time with super cool people who are 10x more radical than me... my latest topics have ranged from providing service-enriched housing for emancipated foster care youth to discussing gentrification in asian am neighborhoods to the struggle for the rights of day laborers. My classmates and I talk about "revolution" all the time. I don't think I even know what it is, but one of my classmates seems to think that I should be the one to start it. I can't even speak up in class, what makes him think I can do something revolutionary?

Dang, and speaking of revolutionaries or lack thereof -- where the hell are Asian voters? Oh yeah, they don't vote. I saw a news report about the special election last week and they featured "apathetic voters" -- all of whom were Asian college kids from uc-la. I was so pissed. Once again there was the media portrayal of the of asian youth as civically disengaged and unaffected by critical social issues. Where are all the serious Asians? What is it going to take for Asians to realize that there is oppression going on toward our community? When are those rich apathetic comfortable Asians going to stand up and realize that our individual social standing does not exclude us from collective racism and that we need to be represented in the larger social change movement?

I think I'm going to create a gang and label them "young, gifted--and Asian", and NOT include smart asians who don't give a damn but include only asians who actually represent. I've already got my "gang of_four" at school. Who else is with me? Raise your fists.

Minsoo and I are kind of a sad pair.
On Sunday night, he cut his finger on a broken glass mug that fell into our sink. He has this fat bandage on his hand that I have to help him replace everyday.
- 1 digit (right ring finger)

On Monday I went to the podiatrist to get my toe fixed. Hopefully this is the last time. The podiatrist promised that my shoes would no longer sit lonely in my closet. He also promised that I'd be able to get into my JimmyChoos after this procedure. I am now committed to buying my first pair of JCs when my toe heals as a form of celebration.
- 1 digit (right big toe)

Today I got a call from Minsoo as I was going to school. He got rear ended by a car on the 10. The back bumper fell off and he had to grab it off the road and toss it into his trunk. Now he has a seriously sore back and possibly whiplash.
-1 neck/back movement.

= 3 body parts that are messed up.

We went grocery shopping today and it was sort of sad. I drove superslow because my toe was hurting and he couldn't drive. We meandered through the aisles because I couldn't walk fast and it took us longer than usually to empty our cart, load up the car and carry our groceries up the stairs. I felt like we were an old couple in our 80s doing errands.

specialelection -- kiss my ass.
Let's talking about Tuesday. Do you know what tuesday is? It's the day when most people say: "crap, I forgot." or "really, it was today???" or "didn't I just do it in may?" Yes, it's special electionday. I am pretty pissed that my taxes (and I paid a lot last year) are paying for this ridiculous attempt at "reform." Anyway, my personal theme for this election comes from possibly the most annoying commercial on tv right now -- that davidspade credit-card commercial.

If you don't know what to vote for, just vote no. Tell 'em the governor you hate that he's wasting money instead of actually working with the legislature to "reform" this state.

I haven't growled lately on this blog.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

rant of the day
I'm heading into week 5 and boy am I tired. My thesis project has replaced wedding planning as all-consuming-project-of-the-year. The good thing is that I don't have to plan it all by myself (I have four awesome team members) and I get school credit for it!

Anyway, a few rants:
Thanks to tricialae, I read an article in the NYT about feminism. In the article, the author talks about how she received a book from her mom on how to catch a man. Some of the lines from the book were --- "Keep thinking of yourself as a soft, mysterious cat.. . .Men are fascinated by bright, shiny objects, by lots of curls, lots of hair on the head . . . by bows, ribbons, ruffles and bright colors.. . .Sarcasm is dangerous. Avoid it altogether."

Sarcasm is dangerous??!! Yes, I know that "good" Christians aren't supposed to be sarcastic, but it's been my main coping mechanism & compensation technique for so many years now that I have to believe that minsoo enjoys me for my brand of humor and not in spite of it...

Or maybe it was the bows, ruffles and bright colors...

The author also discussed the theory that as women get more successful, they are less desirable to the opposite sex. A reader wrote in and said that "smart women were 'draining at times.'" I asked Phil if this were true. He just hunched over his computer and said that he was really tired. Hrumph.

My friend told me that he's really intimidated by smart women and that he broke up with a girl because she was smarter than him and he was scared. I wanted to shake him.

I need some sleep. I'm draining myself (although it might be so arrogant to think I'm one of those 'smart women' because maybe I'm not. oh well, at least I can still be sarcastic.)

"sketched" out
As part of my graduating requirements, I have to complete a thesis-type project. "The mafia" (aka my Asian posse) has decided to do a group project on gentrification and to get departmental approval, we have to find two faculty advisors to sign off on our project. Yesterday, we had a meeting with our lead advisor, who is Japanese American and defies the "quiet demure humorless asian woman". She gave us some feedback and then we headed off to a meeting with our second advisor, an older white woman who's done a lot of community work and is known for her research on diverse community work.

When we arrived at her office, a classmate was already meeting with her, so we stood outside her door to reschedule a meeting. Jackie (we get to call all of our profs by their first names b/c our dept is "liberal" and wants to do away with the professor-student hierarchy), our prof, was in the middle of rescheduling our meeting, when she says, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt but you guys are soooo cute right now!"

WHAT?

"I just want to [holds her hands as if she's taking a picture of us]... sketch you guys right now. You are just so cute standing there!"

HUH? Apparently our formation in front of her door was like a postcard from the far east. Or perhaps it was an exotic portrait of pan-asian collaboration, a representation of the "oriental" in the west? Should we bow and giggle? Should we have been wearing our "ethnic" garb to reinforce our diverse backgrounds? Or should we have donned a ninja-type uniform to express our unity as "the cute asians who do projects together"?

WHAT THE HELL. In a single moment, I remembered -- I am Asian. And although I am very aware of my race and very aware that I can not escape the color of my skin and the shape of my eyes.

the game
Last weekend, I partied a lot. And by a lot, I mean I was out of the house and consuming moderate doses of alcohol and staying out until the wee hours of the night more than one night in a row. Both were good times, but dude, on Monday I was hurting... and feeling kinda weak sauce. I don't know how law students do the play hard/work hard thing.

Anyway, it was fun going out and watching "the game." You know what I'm talking about. The game is when you're out, scoping out potential dates/mates. Most of my grad school friends are single and we were all out at a fundraising event. My friend was in charge of organizing the event and he seemed to have invited every single woman that he was/is/might be interested in. So needless to say, there were a lot of cute single (and young) Asian girls in the place.

However, my old roommate was also in attendance. Even though I make fun of his lack of game, the dude is not shy and actually DOES have some game (for a nerdy, shorter, pale Asian boy who plays video games). At one point, my two friends were both trying to woo the same girl. However, ex-roommate's game was much sharper and he swooped much faster than my other friend.

Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed doing a minute-by-minute commentary on the game with my other friend who is friends with both of the guys too. We agreed not to take sides, but agreed that my ex-roommate played the best game that night, despite our other friends' ability to draw so many ladies to our event. Men, take note -- it doesn't matter if you invite them and they are in the same room. If you don't initiate good conversation AND (this is key) get her number, there is no game (*cough* at our wedding *cough*cough*cough).

I'm definitely surprised at my ex-roommie's game playing. He's kind of - dare I say it? - S-U-A-V-E.

faith and revolution
I've been spending a lot of time talking about revolutions and movements with my urban planning classmates. This is why I love love love my program so much. It's so refreshing to be with people who think critically, care so much about social change and are freaking smart.

Lately I've had several conversations about church with a few urban planning pals, which has surprised me as I'm one of the few Christians in the program. In fact, I would say that it's so "liberal" that people of faith are an anomaly. Last spring, I had to represent when a classmate talked about how religious people all voted for Bush and are racist. It's sad that Christians are rare in progressive circles despite the fact that Jesus was a radical progressive working for social change. Anyway, it's been weird to be asked questions like "What church do you go to?" or "Hey how was church?" by my non-Christian friends. I've learned to use more subtle and less aggressive evangelism tactics so I've just answered personally and without pouncing on them to accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. That being said, it seems weird that my latest convos about religion have come from my non-Christian friends. Minsoo says that maybe they ask me about this stuff because I'm not one of those scary religious freaks. I think it's because I'm such a bad Christian they're trying to test me and see if I'm faking it. Either way, I feel like I am an "outed" Christian in my progressive circle.

My first week of classes is over and I'm tired. So tired.

partying and thinking too deeply
I spent most of my free time deconstructing my daily activities and deliberating over whether my exploits/adventures/calamities/mundane life should be included in this blah-og. This is sad, and indicates that I've got a mild case of OCD. This weekend has already been pretty eventful and since I've been doing a lot of deep thinking while cooking curry and washing dishes sans minsoo, there are a lot of things swimming in my head.

Instead of going to a church-related couples gathering (see earlier post about annoying wife-directed e-mail), I went drinking with single people instead. Actually it was JT's b-day so minsoo, messy and I headed out to a bar in Venice. Two drinks (and feelings of mild drunkenness) later, I was talking to some people when a cute little girl walks up to me and gives me a hug. This girl was a family friend who is like a little cousin of mine. It was shocking to see her -- I remember her when she was a baby, learning how to take a pee in the toilet (we went to the same babysitter). Now, she's hanging out in the same bar, midori sour in hand. Dang, all growns up. It turns out she has friends who know one of JT's co-workers. Anyway, it was one of those surreal, potentially awkward run-ins. I had to double check if she was "of age" and I told her that if she got in trouble with her parents for being out so late (who are like uber-super-amazing parents of the year types), she could tell them that she was with me, since being with me seems to have always made my friends' parents believe the lies. I walked away feeling sort of old. Am I still allowed to go to places like this? Once you get older do you have to "phase" yourself out of the "scene?" What happens if you refuse?

I went to another - very different - birthday celebration tonight. Another family friend was turning 50. It was fun because I got to see some people I hadn't seen since the wedding banquet, including my uncles. My uncles (my mom's brothers) and I have become so much closer over the years. I realize how blessed I am to have them in my life. They are definitely not your typical "traditional" uncles -- Let's call them "artsy" -- and have become my second fathers. Since neither of them have kids, I definitely feel as if I have double the attention and know that I will be the one to take of them when the time comes.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do post-grad school. When I graduated from undergrad it was more about "jobs" and now, 5 years later, I think more about my personal philosophy, what that means for the career path I want to take, how this complements/conflicts with the realities of living with a husband and wanting to live comfortably and how this complements/conflicts my personal philosophy that I constantly tout in this blog. And then on top of that, I am always questioning whether I can change anything in this world or whether I should just keep my head down and do the boring stuff that I am good at and aim for nothing more. We get more complicated and as a result, our decisions get more complicated. Or is it just that we think they're more complicated? Anyway, I've been feeling conflicted.

Dang, now I just alienated my two readers. I hate it when I read blogs that rant about philosophical crap that is so vague you can't really figure out what is going on. I just did that. Sorry. Next time I'll talk more about the bars and drinking next time.

second year status
I've always hated being the new kid on the block (though i can't say that I didn't, at one time, love the band by the same name). So it's nice to be a second year grad student in a two year program. I feel less like a newbie and more like the top of the totum pole. It feels like sophomore year of high school when I was on the orientation committee and got to lead freshman around on tours and tell them what to do and stuff.

Today I went to a happy hour event where I met up with some second years and tons of first years. It was cool, except for the second-year contingent was made up of most of the "white kids" (I don't know why I put them in parentheses because they are white) and not my posse of angry people of color. I saw some of the first years that I'd seen last week when I volunteered to be on a panel of second years talking about how to survive your first year. One girl thought I was a first year and spent 10 minutes talking to me before she introduced me to another second year (that i knew of course) and realized her mistake. Do all Asian look alike?

Speaking of Asians....
I saw the freaking LARGEST ASIAN GUY I'VE EVER SEEN IN REAL LIFE. I say this with caps because he's freakin' gigantic! He was sitting down when I first saw him and I noticed that I was as tall as he was, even though I was standing up. He looked big, but I did not think he was a mutant or anything. He came over later to talk to a group I was with and I had to strain my neck to look up at him. What the heck?? I was with two other Asian guys who were not tall and so we looked like midgets next to him. I don't even think the top of my head came up to his elbow. I think that I could have gotten on top of one of the short guy's shoulders' and tapped the tall Asian mutant on the head. Maybe one day I will.

My old roommate and I went together to the happy hour and I tried to help him prep his game (even though he doesn't have any) by letting him know I scouted out the female situation last week and there were a few cute Asian first years. Unfortunately we walked in together and they all knew that I was married and none of them knew who Ben was so we had to strategize how to rectify any misunderstandings. I suggested he wave his left hand around and that after we got a drink, we separate and pretend we don't know each other while he worked his "magic". If you know my old roommate, you will know how funny this is. If you don't, just picture a dorky skinny, kinda short Asian dude with glasses and pale skin who plays video games. Yes, you all know someone like this.

I met the guy who I totally ripped apart at last year's application workshop. Well, I didn't rip into him, I basically told him his statement of purpose needed major work and even implied that he should consider applying to a different program. He got into the program (and thus helped increase the Asian quota) despite that incident. When he asked me if I knew who he was, I blurted out, "Dude, congratulations! I'm so glad you still decided to apply!" I was very glad to see him because I remember feeling kinda bad after that workshop.

Yay for school. I am a big nerd.

So I can be honest here (I think).
[I apologize in advance for offending any married couples if you are offended, which don't think you should be but whatever.]
I love being married to minsoo. I like the fact that he's clean and doesn't smell. I like that after watching tv on a weeknight he doesn't have to go home becuase he's already home. I hate his farts and am sometimes kept awake by his smell gases but he carries heavy stuff up our stairs and cleans the dishes after dinner.

What I don't like about being married is the idea that once you enter the bonds of matrimony you become "the wife". When you meet people it's not just about you... it's about being part of a "we". They expect you to be "wifely", although I have no idea what that it. I have to say that it sort of drives me crazy. Minsoo is awesome and I enjoy being a couple, but I hate fitting into the hubby mold. And besides we both have too much - what do you call it? - "spirit" to become a docile mr&mrs.

Why do I write about this?

Well, I took the plunge and signed up for a small group bible study at a church. It's not just any small group, but a [dreaded] couples small group. I did it because, well, I don't know. I suppose I felt pressured by it. I guess I was hoping that the group would have older people in it since a lot of people at the church are young singles and I like old people. Rest assured, I did not write "Wai-Ling and Minsoo YU" but instead wrote both of our first and last names (because i haven't changed mine yet, not that I don't like the name or being part of the yusa cuz i love it). I also gave our joint yahoo e-mail since we can both check it and thus have joint responsibility to respond.

Today we got an e-mail from the leader. However, it was address to ME. Just me. The e-mail address has both of our names in it and I wrote both of our names in it, but I received the greeting. The greeting was from the wife/leader who gave us details about a welcome dinner:

"Hi, Julie, Wai-Ling, Joy, and Cindy:
blahblahblahblah details blah blah....Hope to see you and all the hubbies there :) Bless. wife/leader blah blah"

All I have to say is this: Why do _I_ have to be the one to get the greeting and the information? Why is it addressed to me? Am I the event planner as the wife? Am I supposed to be the planner? I know Minsoo jokes about me being "master" but somehow when I am expected to be "master" by others, it kinda makes me mad.

Okay, I'm sure I'm overreacting, but dude, if they expect minsoo to play basketball with the "hubbies" on saturday, they've got another thing coming.

Damn, that's why I like my single friends.

I am now going to write about the complete opposite of katrina.

Laguna Beach: Why I cannot stop watching and why it's rotting my brain

I don't watch the show that much (only in large concentrated doses aka the mtvmarathons), however I spent Saturday at my parents' house (directtv- yeah!) and there was an LB marathon onMTV. When the show is on, I cannot stop watching. I don't know what it is, but all of my natural tv screening processes shut down and I am drawn to the lives of these shallow, ridiculous, rich kids. During every episode, I go through an internal struggle with several phases:

Disbelief:
"Why am I watching a show that leads in with a HillaryDuff song? Who the hell are these people and why can't I tell the difference between them? I'm glad they put their names on screen every two minutes or else I'd never know what was going on. Are these real people or are they child actors? This is weird. Why am I watching a show about high schoolers who are like 9 years younger than me? Too many blonds... Why am I still watching this?"

Submission:
"Why am I still watching this? Oooh is that girl still after that dude? Wait which blond girl likes Jason? Oh wait, is that Talon? Oh crap, brownhaired dude is playing BOTH those blond chicks. Wait a minute, is he going to the dance with BOTH those chicks? Oh no girl you need to dump his player ass..."

Guilt:
"Man, this show sucks. Why am I still watching it? Those kids should get a job. I cannot believe these spoiled kids. All they do is sit at cafes and go shopping. Man, I cannot believe I've been watching these spoiled kids sit at cafes and go shopping. I am pathetic."

Numbness:
"Still... watching... stupid blond teenagers... Need to find out.... what happens when blond girl finds out skater boy has been playing them. Must watch...[insert unintelligble mumbling]"

To quote the fish who gets caught eating poo in FindingNemo -- I am ashamed.

The Katrina Pledge: A commitment to build a new America

Click here to read and sign the Katrina Pledge today. I signed it -- join me. The text of the pledge is below...

Speak out for those who cannot speak, for the rights of all the destitute (Proverbs 31:8).

"The waters of Hurricane Katrina have revealed fault lines of race and class in our nation, washing away our national denial about the large number of Americans who live in poverty and about its disproportionate impact on people of color. We have now seen, and so has the rest of the world, the effects of public policies that sacrifice the common good to private interests and misguided priorities.

In the aftermath of the storm's destruction, a new America must be born in which compassion and conscience reshape our society's priorities at all levels. Together we can transform our country into one where economic security for all is an essential part of our national security.


As a person of faith, I believe that the poverty we have witnessed on the rooftops of New Orleans and the devastated communities of the Gulf Coast is morally unacceptable. Therefore, I join my fellow Americans across the barriers of race, religion, class, and politics in the following commitments:


1. I pledge to be personally involved in helping those whose lives have been affected by this natural disaster - by praying for the victims and their families and by offering my time, talents, and resources to relief and recovery ministries that are meeting their needs.



2. I pledge to work for sweeping change of our nation's priorities. I will press my elected representatives to protect the common good - especially the needs of our poorest families and children - rather than supporting the twin social disasters of tax cuts for the rich and budget cuts that hurt the poor."

Another kickass site: www.truemajority.org

let the people rebuild n.o.
Now that the recovery effort is in full swing, the obligatory celebrity telethon has come and gone and the bush team has gone into spin mode to make up for fouling up, I can tame my anger and outrage. But I'm still not done with kat yet.

There's been tons of money being poured into this effort and it's heartwarming; however having experience with working in non-profits, I know that all are not created equal. Many do not spend a large percentage on their clients and instead use them for admin purposes; the relief agencies have often been criticized for not helping the people in the ways they need it.

On top of all the potential sketchiness about fundraising, there's the little issue of poverty. Many people were poor before the hurricane, are receiving minimal aid and then will basically be left to return to poverty after the red cross leaves. I'm sure many more who were on their way to poverty may become part of the statistic after the relieve workers leave. And let's not talk about how the developers will be taking all of that land that once had low-income housing and project and building new homes that are unaffordable to anyone but the rich. I'm not being cynical; increased unemployment leads to increased poverty and increase of free land is like fresh meat to starving vultures (yes, i'm talking about developers). I do recognize the generosity of Americans, however after all of the water has drained, what happens to the millions of dollars of aid that's supposed to be given to the victims?

A woman writing for the nation suggests that the people affected by the hurricane should have a say in how the money is spent and I totally agree. She also provides names of groups who are doing good work in the area:

From the Nation:
Let the People Rebuild New Orleans
by Naomi Klein

On September 4, six days after Katrina hit, I saw the first glimmer of hope. "The people of New Orleans will not go quietly into the night, scattering across this country to become homeless in countless other cities while federal relief funds are funneled into rebuilding casinos, hotels, chemical plants.... We will not stand idly by while this disaster is used as an opportunity to replace our homes with newly built mansions and condos in a gentrified New Orleans."

The statement came from Community Labor United, a coalition of low-income groups in New Orleans. It went on to demand that a committee made up of evacuees "oversee FEMA, the Red Cross and other organizations collecting resources on behalf of our people.... We are calling for evacuees from our community to actively participate in the rebuilding of New Orleans."

It's a radical concept: The $10.5 billion released by Congress and the $500 million raised by private charities doesn't actually belong to the relief agencies or the government; it belongs to the victims. The agencies entrusted with the money should be accountable to them. Put another way, the people Barbara Bush tactfully described as "underprivileged anyway" just got very rich.

Except relief and reconstruction never seem to work like that. When I was in Sri Lanka six months after the tsunami, many survivors told me that the reconstruction was victimizing them all over again. A council of the country's most prominent businesspeople had been put in charge of the process, and they were handing the coast over to tourist developers at a frantic pace. Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of poor fishing people were still stuck in sweltering inland camps, patrolled by soldiers with machine guns and entirely dependent on relief agencies for food and water. They called reconstruction "the second tsunami."

There are already signs that New Orleans evacuees could face a similarly brutal second storm. Jimmy Reiss, chairman of the New Orleans Business Council, told Newsweek that he has been brainstorming about how "to use this catastrophe as a once-in-an-eon opportunity to change the dynamic." The Business Council's wish list is well-known: low wages, low taxes, more luxury condos and hotels. Before the flood, this highly profitable vision was already displacing thousands of poor African-Americans: While their music and culture was for sale in an increasingly corporatized French Quarter (where only 4.3 percent of residents are black), their housing developments were being torn down. "For white tourists and businesspeople, New Orleans' reputation is 'a great place to have a vacation but don't leave the French Quarter or you'll get shot,'" Jordan Flaherty, a New Orleans-based labor organizer told me the day after he left the city by boat. "Now the developers have their big chance to disperse the obstacle to gentrification--poor people."

Here's a better idea: New Orleans could be reconstructed by and for the very people most victimized by the flood. Schools and hospitals that were falling apart before could finally have adequate resources; the rebuilding could create thousands of local jobs and provide massive skills training in decent paying industries. Rather than handing over the reconstruction to the same corrupt elite that failed the city so spectacularly, the effort could be led by groups like Douglass Community Coalition. Before the hurricane this remarkable assembly of parents, teachers, students and artists was trying to reconstruct the city from the ravages of poverty by transforming Frederick Douglass Senior High School into a model of community learning. They have already done the painstaking work of building consensus around education reform. Now that the funds are flowing, shouldn't they have the tools to rebuild every ailing public school in the city?

For a people's reconstruction process to become a reality (and to keep more contracts from going to Halliburton), the evacuees must be at the center of all decision-making. According to Curtis Muhammad of Community Labor United, the disaster's starkest lesson is that African-Americans cannot count on any level of government to protect them. "We had no caretakers," he says. That means the community groups that do represent African-Americans in Louisiana and Mississippi -- many of which lost staff, office space and equipment in the flood -- need our support now. Only a massive injection of cash and volunteers will enable them to do the crucial work of organizing evacuees -- currently scattered through forty-one states--into a powerful political constituency. The most pressing question is where evacuees will live over the next few months. A dangerous consensus is building that they should collect a little charity, apply for a job at the Houston Wal-Mart and move on. Muhammad and CLU, however, are calling for the right to return: they know that if evacuees are going to have houses and schools to come back to, many will need to return to their home states and fight for them.

These ideas are not without precedent. When Mexico City was struck by a devastating earthquake in 1985, the state also failed the people: poorly constructed public housing crumbled and the army was ready to bulldoze buildings with survivors still trapped inside. A month after the quake 40,000 angry refugees marched on the government, refusing to be relocated out of their neighborhoods and demanding a "Democratic Reconstruction." Not only were 50,000 new dwellings for the homeless built in a year; the neighborhood groups that grew out of the rubble launched a movement that is challenging Mexico's traditional power holders to this day.

And the people I met in Sri Lanka have grown tired of waiting for the promised relief. Some survivors are now calling for a People's Planning Commission for Post-Tsunami Recovery. They say the relief agencies should answer to them; it's their money, after all.

The idea could take hold in the United States, and it must. Because there is only one thing that can compensate the victims of this most human of natural disasters, and that is what has been denied them throughout: power. It will be a long and difficult battle, but New Orleans' evacuees should draw strength from the knowledge that they are no longer poor people; they are rich people who have been temporarily locked out of their bank accounts.

Those wanting to donate to a people's reconstruction can make checks out to the Vanguard Public Foundation, 383 Rhode Island St., Suite 301, San Francisco, CA 94103. Checks should be earmarked "People's Hurricane Fund."

write it my brothers
There's been a huge response to kat; I'm not talking about the relief effort. I'm talking about the rhetoric and the commentary on America in general. Yes, I'm definitely going to continue adding to the noise, but I guess it's my coping mechanism. It's also a way to talk about serious things -- not just about how horrible the images are or how bad I feel for everyone affect and not about how people are showing such kindness. We all know this.

Here are 2 really good articles that say what I want to say. One is from the guy who does Left, Right & Center on NPR and the other is from sojourners, a really relevant Christian Social Justice org. that bring me hope that there are other Christians who are not religious nuts:
--------------------------------
"The real costs of a culture of greed by Robert Scheer

WHAT THE WORLD has witnessed this past week is an image of poverty and social disarray that tears away the affluent mask of the United States. [JL sidenote: OH HELL YES.]

Instead of the much-celebrated American can-do machine that promises to bring freedom and prosperity to less fortunate people abroad, we have seen a callous official incompetence that puts even Third World rulers to shame. The well-reported litany of mistakes by the Bush administration in failing to prevent and respond to Katrina's destruction grew longer with each hour's grim revelation from the streets of an apocalyptic New Orleans.
Yet the problem is much deeper. For half a century, free-market purists have to great effect denigrated the essential role that modern government performs as some terrible liberal plot. Thus, the symbolism of New Orleans' flooding is tragically apt: Franklin Roosevelt's New Deal and Louisiana Gov. Huey Long's ambitious populist reforms in the 1930s eased Louisiana out of feudalism and toward modernity; the Reagan Revolution and the callousness of both Bush administrations have sent them back toward the abyss.

Now we have a president who wastes tax revenues in Iraq instead of protecting us at home. Levee improvements were deferred in recent years even after congressional approval, reportedly prompting EPA staffers to dub flooded New Orleans "Lake George."

None of this is an oversight, or simple incompetence. It is the result of a campaign by most Republicans and too many Democrats to systematically vilify the role of government in American life. Manipulative politicians have convinced lower- and middle-class whites that their own economic pains were caused by "quasi-socialist" government policies that aid only poor brown and black people — even as corporate profits and CEO salaries soared.

For decades we have seen social services that benefit everyone — education, community policing, public health, environmental protections and infrastructure repair, emergency services — in steady, steep decline in the face of tax cuts and rising military spending. But it is a false savings; it will certainly cost exponentially more to save New Orleans than it would have to protect it in the first place.

And, although the wealthy can soften the blow of this national decline by sending their kids to private school, building walls around their communities and checking into distant hotels in the face of approaching calamities, others, like the 150,000 people living below the poverty line in the Katrina damage area — one-third of whom are elderly — are left exposed.

Watching on television the stark vulnerability of a permanent underclass of African Americans living in New Orleans ghettos is terrifying. It should be remembered, however, that even when hurricanes are not threatening their lives and sanity, they live in rotting housing complexes, attend embarrassingly ill-equipped public schools and, lacking adequate police protection, are frequently terrorized by unemployed, uneducated young men.

In fact, rather than an anomaly, the public suffering of these desperate Americans is a symbol for a nation that is becoming progressively poorer under the leadership of the party of Big Business. As Katrina was making its devastating landfall, the U.S. Census Bureau released new figures that show that since 1999, the income of the poorest fifth of Americans has dropped 8.7% in inflation-adjusted dollars. Last year alone, 1.1 million were added to the 36 million already on the poverty rolls.

For those who have trouble with statistics, here's the shorthand: The rich have been getting richer and the poor have been getting, in the ripe populist language of Louisiana's legendary Long, the shaft.[JL sidenote: YOU DAMN RIGHT.]

These are people who have long since been abandoned to their fate. Despite the deep religiosity of the Gulf States and the United States in general, it is the gods of greed that seem to rule. Case in point: The crucial New Orleans marshland that absorbs excess water during storms has been greatly denuded by rampant commercial development allowed by a deregulation-crazy culture that favors a quick buck over long-term community benefits. [GRRRR.]

Given all this, it is no surprise that leaders, from the White House on down, haven't done right by the people of New Orleans and the rest of the region, before and after what insurance companies insultingly call an "act of God."

Fact is, most of them, and especially our president, just don't care about the people who can't afford to attend political fundraisers or pay for high-priced lobbyists. No, these folks are supposed to be cruising on the rising tide of a booming, unregulated economy that "floats all boats."

They were left floating all right."

------------------
From Sojo mail:
Acts of God or sins of humanity?
by Wes Granberg-Michaelson
From a vacation cottage Karin and I watched on TV as the desolation unfolded in New Orleans and the Gulf coast. Through that agonizing week we sat helpless with millions, while the world's most technologically powerful nation could not provide food, water, and rescue to fellow citizens whose desperate faces filled our screen and haunted our consciences.


Commentators described Hurricane Katrina as a "natural disaster," or at times as an "act of God," like language used in some insurance policies describing events beyond human control. It means no one is liable. Except, of course, God. And that's what troubles me. How can a God of love, Creator of all that is, be responsible for such terrible, destructive disasters?


But as I listened, reflected, and prayed during that week, another question emerged. Just how "natural" was this disaster? Consider this, for instance. When Katrina left the Florida coast, it was classified as a "tropical storm" - not even a hurricane. It picked up tremendous power as it passed through the Gulf of Mexico, in part, experts think, because the waters of the Gulf were two degrees warmer than normal. So by the time it reached New Orleans, it was a category four hurricane.


Years before becoming general secretary of the Reformed Church in America, I led a group studying global warming and the responsibility of the churches for preserving the environment when I served as director of Church and Society for the World Council of Churches. Even then (1990), a clear global scientific consensus warned that global warming due to human causes - especially the accelerated use of fossil fuels - was causing disruptive climate changes. And I clearly remember listening to scientists say that one effect could be that storms such as hurricanes would increase in their intensity and destructive effects because of warmer waters and changing sea levels. So a part of Katrina's fury was not completely "natural."


And there's more. New Orleans was built between the Mississippi River and the Gulf of Mexico, with much of the city below sea level. Its vulnerability to flooding from hurricanes was partly protected by the wetlands between the city and the Gulf. These act like a "speed bump," absorbing and lowering some of a hurricane's force. But they've been disappearing, making way for shopping malls, condos, and roads, so 25 square miles are lost each year - an area the size of Manhattan. And the city has kept moving closer to the Gulf.


Moreover, the levees and dams constructed to protect the city and "control" the Mississippi deprive the wetlands from the sediments and nutrients that naturally would replenish its life. There's a lot "unnatural" about this "act of God."



And then, consider the victims. Those who have suffered the most are the poorest, and most of them are black. Twenty-seven percent of New Orleans residents lived below the poverty line, and many of those simply had no cars, or no money, and no way to leave. That also isn't "natural." The poverty rate, and the gap between rich and poor, continues to increase in this nation, and that is a national disgrace. More to our point, that's a sin, condemned by literally hundreds of verses of scripture. Those most vulnerable to Katrina have been kept on society's margins by persistent economic injustice and racism.


I celebrate the tides of compassion flowing in the wake of Katrina. Organizations such as Church World Service and the Salvation Army bear the compassion of Christ to the desolate, homeless, and hopeless. And I still don't fully understand why, in the providence of a loving and all-powerful God of creation, things like hurricanes and earthquakes happen.


But I do know this. When I see the devastating effects of Katrina, I don't simply regard these as an inexplicable "act of God." I also focus on the sins of humanity. We've disobeyed God's clear biblical instructions to preserve the integrity of God's good creation, and to overcome the scourge of poverty. In the aftermath of Katrina, we desperately need not only compassion, but also repentance.

big bad kat
Okay, I'm throwing my blogging hat into the ring to talk about the latest human tragedy. Here's a few thoughts that I'm sure have already been articulated, but sum up my thoughts:

- Institutional Racism. Oh yeah, I'm one of those. It's not a conspiracy, but inherent inequalities built into our system which reinforce these racial dichotomies. People didn't consciously decide only to help white people get out of N.O. It's that those with resources, those who have been benefiting from policies (i.e. more money to expand freeways but not public transportation, cutting taxes for the rich while poor urban schools struggle) geared toward the rich who had the ability to exit the city. So who was left? The poor people. And yes, those people are people of color, which is no surprise since they live in the poorest neighborhoods... I could go on but I'll move toward...

- Yellow/Brown people. Where they heck are they on the news? My grandfather was a pastor in Mississipi so I KNOW there are Chinese people there. There are a few stories here and there about Vietnamese in N.O. area but dude, come on. Once again, it's a black-white issue, with no room for a discussion of people of color as a group. Sometimes the apathy of Asians can't be blamed because heck, we never see what's going on with our people. As far as some of us are concerned, we all live in subdivisions near urban areas with asian supermarkets. Damn I hate those 'burbs. Wow I digress...

- No one listens to researchers & experts. I was sad to hear about those reports that predicted mass destruction after a hurricane hit LA. Urban planners do that type of stuff all the time and make suggestions for change. It made me question how much change can be made if you're only making suggestions for change and not in charge of making those suggestions a reality. It's like in the movies when the nerd predicts the bad things that are going to happen and no one listens to him so he just goes crazy. Eventually the "hero" finds this guys who's gone insane and the nerd becomes the kooky sidekick. Wait, was that a movie I actually watched?

- Disaster relief. I love generosity, but I hate it that once again, it takes a big one-time event to make people be generous and to make us aware of the poor.

- Brokenness is so sad. It always is. I am thankful for what I've got and I definitely don't give thanks enough.

now that i have more time on my hands...
I have more time to rant about the crazies of this world. Two cases I'd like to highlight:
- the Chinese girl who uses T0m Cruise as her hero. And, um that crazy picture, which I assume is the book cover, in which she's wearing that red nightie is wrong, so wrong. On so many levels, so sad. An embarrassment to me as an AA woman. Horrible.

- PatR0bertson. Crazy. crazy. crazy. crazy. crazy. Go to www.sojo.net and read Wallis' article entitled: "Pat R0bertson: An embarrassment to the church." Oh yeah, this is what I'm talking about.

These things make want to growl. GRRRRRRRR!

my lazy days of summer
Nothing much going on here. I've been spending most of my time in the apartment, away from temptations to spend money. Yesterday, I left the apartment to hang out with a school friend in K-town (btw, why are K-town cafes so friggin expensive?) and tonight minsoo took me out for a walk on 3rd st in SaMo (my new abbr for SantaMonica). Luckily I had HarryPotter5 & TV show DVDs to keep me company. We also bought a cheapo antenna to help with the no-cable-tv situation, so I get a fuzzy ch4, 7, 11 & 13 as well as all of the Spanish channels.

Anyway, this is all boring. So boring, that even I'm bored at myself. I'm loving this free time but it really makes for a boring post.

just like the billboards of silhouettes dancing against colored backgrounds

Minsoo and I finally did it: We opened up our iP0ds, gifts from our groomsmen. We received the gifts before the wedding but we put off opened up the boxes until we were able to devote time to playing with it. Today we peeled off the wrapping and plugged 'em into our laptops. I am listening to it as I type -- it's awesome! It's also pink, which makes it even cooler. I know that I'm behind the times as it seems like most people have some sort of ip0d gadget, but I'm still going to thoroughly enjoy the newness of it since it's new to me.

Now all I need is a pair of rollerskates and I can be one of those anonymous people in the ads.

So fun, so fun.

next event: bridal magazine bonfire
I'm sure most of the people who frequent this blog were there, but almost 3 weeks ago, minsoo and tied the kn0t. Yahoo! There's so much to share and I can't share it all, but here are a few details (in no particular order) that made the day one of the most special days of my life:

My hotel room was super fabulous old school. I also reserved this fat suite adjoining my room, which also opened up to my sister's room. The suite was awesome - it had a kitchen, a dining area, living area and tons of huge windows. In the 4 days we booked it we hosted a bachelorette party, open house with friends, super bridal prep room, a chinese tea ceremony and another get together with friends post-reception. Super fun times.

I woke up on my wedding day super happy. Sure, it was about 6:30am and I went to sleep past midnight, but my internal clock was telling me that it was a special day. I managed to stay in an amazingly wonderful mood all day, even while I was screaming at the tux guys about my dad's botched tux. The best part about being super happy was being able to eat all day -- a rare treat for a bride.

My sister/sister-in-laws are probably three of the most awesome women I know. I think I will have to battle it out with anyone else who says they have good sisters. I now have THREE sisters that rock my world. Oh yeah, and a great hubby.

My friends totally came through and made the day a smashing success. It was super beautiful thanks to some hard working ladies. The church and the ballroom looked just like I had hoped it would. Yeah!

Mrs. Yu hooked the bridesmaids up with hankies, which came in so handy, not only because most of the girls were bawling during the ceremony, but because minsoo was sweating like I've never seen him sweat before. When we looked at the raw wedding video footage, you can see me hand him the hanky repeatedly during prayer times so he could wipe himself. The hotest day of the summer = our wedding day.

The Moms' dresses - visions in sage and light green. They both looked amazing and unknowingly picked the same color for dresses, thus coordinating. Plus, the dress colors totally blended with the girls' dresses = cool family photos. I'd have to add that my mom looked more glam than I've ever seen her before. She even bought 3-inch sparkly glam heels that I wish I had worn with my wedding gown!

Happy family members. My 90+ year old grandmother was so happy, despite the heat. She will probably not remember my wedding at all, but when she has a good day, everyone in the Lee family has a good day. I think she also enjoyed the bubbly we served at dinner. ;)

Cool looking cake. I went with Minsoo and Sarah to pick out the cake design and when we went to the store, i totally had a melt down and refused to pick a style. Minsoo made the final decision and I must say, he did a great job. Too bad we only got a tiny piece.

Looking fabulous. I don't think I've ever felt more fabulous than my wedding day. It was amazing. From my hair to my makeup (so much props to KarenKim who worked WONDERS in such a short time without even practicing - amazing) to my multiple dresses, I really did feel like a princess. My acne didn't flare up, despite the stress and my contacts pulled through too. My toe didn't even really hurt! I definitely wish I had been able to wear more glamorous shoes all through the night, but I guess it didn't matter.

Being so happy. Looking back, I can pick out so many things that I might have been unhappy about. However, getting married made everything else fade away. I was so happy and it was so awesome to see friends and family and to just feel celebrated. Being able to make a life-long commitment with my best friend in front of those I love made the day special without any bells or whistles of weddings.

Anyway, I didn't feel like recapping the whole day and quite frankly, it wasn't a totally unique day for those of you who've been in or been to a wedding. I had a great time, was happier than I've been since June 11, 2004 (the day we got engaged) and am totally relieved that IT'S FINALLY OVER. I have yet to burn my bridal magazines in a post-wedding cleansing ritual, but am looking forward to being free of the kn0t and shopping for white accessories.

Hooray! Enjoy some of the pics below.

We did it! We got married. :) 

Gratuitous shot of my dress. 

Walking down the aisle to "My Girl," played by a string quartet. 

The Lee Family, on the way to the church 

bring it on!
I'm getting maaaarrrried. I'm getting maaaaarrried. I-I-I am getting maaaarrrried. [doing Elliot's "I-told-you-so" dance from Season 1Scrubs]

Let the party begin.

get me to that altar.
This is my last post before I drive up north to get hitched. My car is packed with things that in any normal situation, I would never have packed for a road trip to SJ. For example - a printer and a weird paper plate with bows and ribbons hanging off of it.

There's a lot of work to be done before the day and each day feels like 5 days packed full of wedding work, worries and drama.

5 more days. Dang, feels weird to write it. Well, not really.

so true
Wow. Speak and Spel1s are AWESOME.

You're a Speak & Spell!! You nerd, you. Just
because you were disguised as a toy doesn't
mean you weren't educational, you sneaky
bastard.


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I really really wanted a speak and spel1 toy as a kid but my parents said it was too expensive. I guess they figured I could use the dictionary to spell my own words.

all dressed up and no place to go
This weekend, Minsoo and I headed up to northern ca for a wedding. We got to hang out with some people on Friday night, did some wedding stuff Saturday and then headed up to Berkeley on Saturday night for the wedding. I was excited to see some friends from my old work and to see my friend get married so we made sure to leave the south bay an hour and a half early just in case of traffic on 88o. We made it up to the Berkeley H1lls a half an hour early. Before we got out of the car, I checked my make-up and the invitation one more time. This is when I noticed that I had made a terrible mistake.


(please see below)





(the invitation) 

So yeah. I got it wrong. Not only did I mess up the day of the week, but the week of the wedding. I hate to be late to events, but man, being 8 days early is a little much. I was horrified. Luckily Minsoo thought this was pretty funny so he didn't mind this little mistake. He laughed at me the whole way back home. I just kept muttering under my breath that I had muffed it up.

I think this was a little divine intervention because instead of going to the wedding, we had more time up north to hang out with friends and laugh, mostly at my expense. We ended up tagging along on the Bethe1 young adult/college retreat to Monterey, which was a much needed time to just hang out with friends and mess around. I don't think that I would have allowed myself to take a break before the wedding, but maybe it was God's plan all along to give us a little vacation, I don't know. All I know is that messing up the wedding day made for a great story that our friends and family thoroughly enjoyed.

Less than three weeks baby.