some closure
YAY!!! I bought it. If you don't know what "it" is, you need to read my recent posts. I've heard tons of horror stories about the whole process, so let's all just pray for a smooth delivery. Whew!

Packing is happening, but very slowly. I think I'm sort of rusty at it. I pack one bag or box and then I wander around my apartment, discontent with the messiness, until I give up and start surfing the web or watching Olympics. This process is fairly similar to the move-out process after college. My parents had to pack me up because all I did was putz around and reminsce while my family packed up my belongings.

Right now I'm fairly frustrated because nothing fits nicely into boxes anymore. Usually, everything has a box and/or are already packed and ready to make a quick exit. I guess it's gotten harder to make a quick exit. Does that mean I am actually used to living in northern California? Is all the gripping about no beach being replaced by memories of good times in the 'jo (pronouced "ho", my nickname for San Jose)? Better get packing.

more babble
Phew... what a crazy week. I spent 4 (count 'em 4) days straight of wedding dress craziness. Today, I think I found it... or at least, today I *think* it's THE dress. Tomorrow, who knows? I promise I'll stop talking about soon, I promise.

On another note, I had a fun time at my non-profit's fundraiser last night. We held a happy hour-type thing at a club downtown. It was fun to hang out with co-workers, people in the program and the usuals. Some of our board members and some of the people in the program bought me drinks to send me off, which was really nice. Ahem. Note to self: after a few too many beverages, I make a lot of "notes to self." Thanks to the Hahn/Hans (hee hee, we all brothers) for hanging out later.

Watched Princess Diaries 2. I would say it was a big waste of money, but I did a little bit of sister (in-law) bonding, so it was well worth it. Only for Hannah and Sarah.

4 more days until I move! The packing craziness begins.

i think i'm going wedding dress crazy... another rant
Today, I joined ebay. I haven't purchased anything (yet), however, I registered myself and even began to inquire about certain items (*cough wedding dresses cough*). I'm determined to get a good deal, even if drives me crazy.

Today, I also almost became a craigslist buyer. I went to try on a dress and actually liked it. I also really really liked the couple that was selling it. They were supercool and I almost wanted to buy it based on their coolness. They talked my ear off about wedding stuff and were totally sweet about giving me advice, even showing me their wedding photos.

On Wednesday I took the Yu sistas and the two Jesses (my sister and Hannah's old roomie) to the WEDDING GOWN SUPERSTORE. I say that in all caps because it just sounds large and very grand. It wasn't that large or grand (kinda ghetto), but I did get to try on a few gowns. Sarah was the lucky sister to help me put them on (jess conveniently passed on the duty -- what a great maid of honor) and the other girls gave me their critique from the weird "stage" they set up at the gown store. [note: I am writing this at 1am and there is a tow truck dropping off a car on the street. It is so loud. It is 1am for goodness sake!!]

Observation: There are a lot of REALLY UGLY wedding gowns out there.. and a lot of desperate people trying to sell their really ugly gowns.

wedding gown rant
Like most excited brides, one of the first things I did after I got engaged was hit the dress shops. At first, it was fun: Dressing up and then running home and printing out the photo of "The One" to show to my friends. Now, almost two months later, I'm already disillusioned and kinda burnt out. I spend way too much time on bridal websites, craigslist and flipping through bridal guides and mags looking at those white dresses. After awhile, they all blend together. Then my eyes roll back into my head and I start to mumble under my breath things like "hmmmm organza."

Dress shopping has become sort of heinous for several reasons:
1. The high probability of rip off: cheap dresses are sold for thousands of dollars to hungry brides, bridal shops price gouge like crazy and I've heard wayyyy too many horror stories about dresses gone wrong.
2. Trying on nasty dresses. I spent a horrendous afternoon with my mom trying on really dirty sample dresses at some really sketchy wedding shops. I'll spare you the details, I'll just say that I felt sort of slimy at the end of the day.
3. Too many choices. Beads, organza, satin, a-line, mermaid, sweep, cathedral, blah, blah, blah! Every time I went to a shop, I left wanting a different style dress. It also doesn't help that each dress store has a different selection and always claims they don't have the dress that I like but "can order it" for me. Did I say bridal shops are sketchy?

To sum it up, the whole process is whack. Does anyone know of a cheap seamstress or can teach me to sew?

I probably need to go on a wedding dress hiatus.

my icky big toe
Whew, I've been busy... sort of. I celebrated the anniversary of my car crash (and the one-year anniversary of no major personal disasters -- a big deal for me) on Friday by getting part of my toe-nail removed. Yummy. What started out as a pick-me-up pedicure 3 weeks ago, turned into the infected big toe from hell. I went to see my doctor on Friday and the nurse promptly informed me of my ingrown toenail and sent me to the minor injury clinic where the doctor dug into to remove the nasties. I have this fat bandage around my right toe and I have to soak it 3-4 times a day. Note to self: will save money and do my own pedicure for wedding.

Minsoo is leaving on Tuesday. I'll be joining him toward the end of the month. The countdown begins!

page 287
In the newest Ikea catalog. Notice the names written on the green wall. I'm not sure what the entire names are, but it's kind of uncanny, don'tcha think?

books that make me go hmm
It takes me a long time to go through really powerful books. I still haven't made it entirely through The Best Democracy Money Can Buy (so many amazing details that sometimes depresses me about the state of American politics), never finished Tuesdays With Morrie (cried too much) and still have not finished Knowing God (the IV-must-read). However, after about a year of on and off again reading, I'm almost done with Jonathan Kozol's Amazing Grace. It's a book describing one of the poorest neighborhoods in NY and in our country. It's so compelling, but I found myself stopping because my heart kept breaking.

When he's not recalling his meetings with community members, he's summing up his views on what's going on: "So as long as the most vulnerable people in our population are consigned to places that the rest of us will always shun and flee and view with fear, I am afraid that educational denial, medical and economic devastation, and aesthetic degradation will be virtually inevitable; and this, I am afraid, will be the case no matter what the individual or even shared achievements of small numbers of good human beings who are infused with the essential heroism of the people I have described. So as long as there are ghetto neighborhoods and ghetto hospitals and ghetto schools, I am convinced there will be ghetto desperation, ghetto violence, and ghetto fear because a ghetto itself is an evil and unnatural construction." - This is one of the passages which inspires me as I enter grad school. It's not just about building up communities -- it's about undoing oppression and following Jesus's footsteps.

yay for patty!
I went to patricia and mike's wedding this weekend in toledo, ohio. Toledo reminded me of a mini-Milwaukee which reminds me of a mini-Chicago. Eh, it's the midwest -- it's all the same. I can write this with boldness now that I'm not around my mid-west friends. I realize that I totally diss their 'hood all the time. I try to hold back when I see them, but it all just comes spewing out. I have too much California pride. I guess to be fair, I am equally as critical about California and probably more. Come on, we elected a stinkin' action hero as our governor!

On another note, there's a lot to be done by the end of the month and I'm getting a little stressed. I think I'm just tired because I've been on 6 flights in the past few days (3 going, 3 returning). Yesterday I was on a plane or in an airport for over 12 hours. Nasty.

Anyway, I digress. Patty's wedding was so cute. I started crying 15 minutes into the ceremony. I don't know how I'm going to get through mine. Her reception was awesome because it was at a museum (think college formal). We all had a blast and it was great because her (and Mike's, I guess) personality was reflected in everything from the music (cheesy) to the table centerpieces (stuffed animals and botan rice candy). My friends and I put on the temporary tattoos we got in the candy boxes. Then we went on a simulated roller coaster ride. Wheeeee! It was like being a kid again. It was so cool to see Patty all married and stuff. I had a great time except for the fact that minsoo was not there. Yay for Patty and Mike! I remember telling Patty that I thought that her mate would be totally in love with her. After hearing the speeches and reading the novel aka the wedding program, this was the one quality about Mike that was very evident. Yay, just the way it should be.

i hate lactose and lactose hates me
I think I need to give up my green tea ice cream obsession. After Sunday night's indulgence, I felt horrible at work on Monday. I left work slightly early because I felt so bad. Why, oh why must you tempt me so, green tea goodness? 

My stomach felt better after I went for a mani-pedi with the girls from church. I've never been one to get my nails done, but I wanted to go and see what all the hoopla was about. Despite my horror at having some strange lady touch, scrub and dig at my feet, the whole spa pedicure thing was pretty nice. The whole process really relaxed me and even helped my quesy anti-ice-cream stomach. It's nice to get a little pampering once in a while.

This weekend: the last wedding of the summer! It's only July, but I feel like I've been to a lot of weddings this year. Minsoo and I are actually invited to two weddings this weekend so we're each going solo to one. Can't wait to hang out with the ladies this weekend.

i thought i'd lost you
Last week I searched for it in my freezer and couldn't find it, so I thought it was all gone. I couldn't remember finishing the sweet goodness off, but I didn't see an empty container in the trash (and I looked). I didn't want to blame my roommate, but I was perplexed because I am anal when it comes to the status of my green tea goodness.
 
Today my green tea ice cream showed up in the fridge, hidden on my roommate's side of the freezer, probably behind her frozen food that she'd finished yesterday. When I found it, I pumped my fist and whispered "yes!" to myself. This is a Godsend in so many ways. It's like 85 degrees in my apt so it totally hits the spot. I also just came back from ransacking my friends' wedding stuff (yay for married friends!) and am now trying not to stress about spending so much money on my wedding. I'm glad that Pastor Frank's sermon was on Martha and Mary. It was a great reminder that's it not about ME.
 
Anyway, green tea goodness, I thought I'd lost you. (I am eating it as a type this entry.)

waving my fist
Working in a women's clothing store is sometimes like living in a pre-feminism time warp. I left work today feeling disturbed about several things. Here is my rant:
- Seeing all of these sugar daddies buying clothes for their "ethnic" women. I noticed that most of these cash cows were white men and all of the women spoke minimal English. I also noticed that outfits they bought were in the "slutty skirt" category (see earlier post). Yes, I joke about wanting a sugar daddy, but seeing it in real life made me feel icky in a "Me love you long time" sorta way.
- Listening to my female co-workers discuss Hooters and potential employment at the establishment. I could feel the blood rushing to my face. What made me even madder was when I made an anti-hooters statement, they both rushed to its defense. Come on women, don't believe that it's okay to be a part of their offensive marketing ploy for only so-so chicken wings. Oh no, I can't even go there today.
- Overhearing a mom say to her daughter, "It'll cover up all of your PROBLEM areas." Retail: It's all about teaching young women to feel good about themselves.
 
Oh gosh, it makes me so mad. So mad. I know that the guys HATE listening to my rants about women's issues, but I can't stand it. There's so much internalized and socialized oppression that we don't even know what to believe about ourselves. It's so messed up.

glug glug
This the sound that is being created as I drown in wedding reception site HELL. Okay, I won't go there today...
 
On a more positive note, I just came back from an A's game. My co-workers had a "staff fun day" where we tailgated in the parking lot and then went to the game. Tailgating is FUN. I ate like 2 hot dogs, yummy salmon that my co-worker marinated and grilled, macaroni salad, cookies, cheeze its and a few too many alcoholic beverages. After the game, we watched some fireworks and then we returned to the parking lot for our post party, where I scarfed down another dog and some more alcohol and cheeze its. Yummy. Tailgating ROCKS. I feel sorta icky right now, but it's a good icky.

trying to keep it light
I'm slowly turning into a wedding planning beast. Lately, most of the conversations have diverted away from the normal topics (ex. Poo & other bodily functions, haters, racism, the heat, etc.) and inevitably returned to the "big day." To all my friends that I normally hang out with (okay, so it's mostly just ooj): sorry.

On a more positive wedding planning note, I'm enjoying creating over-the-top (and never gonna happen)wedding scenarios. Of my favorite are the following:
- Groomsmen dressed up as various superheroes (with Pastor Frank dressed up as Batman)
- Bridesmaids dressed up like care bears and then doing the "care bear stare" as we exit the church
- Scrapping the wedding party altogether and instead having a team of Kung Fu and Tae Kwon Do experts do some martials arts down the aisle to signify the joining of two cultures
- At the end of the ceremony, the Hong Kong and South Korean flags being released from the ceiling and the two anthems playing, one after another, as the guests file out
- A gong. 'Nuf said.
- Hiring cute little Chinese kids (aka my cousins) to set off those cheap fireworks that you buy in Chinatown as we exit the church.
- Buying those Chinatown bamboo back scratchers as favors

*clunk* [dragging out my soapbox]
I "finally" saw Fahrenheit 9/11. Most of my liberal friends had already jumped on the documentary when it first opened, but I was too busy "being Monica". Now that my wedding binder is organized and I've had my first breakdown, I was excited to escape debates about guest lists or wedding dress beading and watch a movie on something more important.

It was definitely a Michael Moore movie so there wasn't any objectivity, but it was pretty satifying to see everything you already knew about the presidency and the past 4 years wrapped up into 2 hours. Slam MM all you want, there are some undeniable facts that make me sooooo excited to vote W out of office this year. One of the craziest parts for me to watch was when the representatives stood up and protested the results of the election. Seeing those people of color trying to advocate for the disenfranchised made me so sad. And people say racism is still dead. Puh-lease. If you all don't like Michael Moore's style, read Greg Palast's The Best Democracy Money Can Buy. Moore steals a lot of info from Palast's reporting and Palast also takes stabs at revealing dem corruption too.

As much as it's frustrating to see that often our votes don't mean squat when scary politicians work their "magic", I have to believe that if we don't get involved, we're doing just as much harm. Let me quote Paulo Freire again: "Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral."

retail
Yesterday was my first day at my new part time gig: selling clothes. I'm working a few hours a week at a friend's store to make some extra money for my wedding. Realistically, this money will go toward paying off my credit cards from my sad income taxes and helping to pay rent at my LA pad (aka grad housing) and my Campbell digs.

A few high(read:low)lights from my two days of working at the store:
- Meeting one of the tallest Asian girls I've ever seen. She's like one of those tree people in Lord of the Rings. Her legs are so long that she walks as if a big wind might blow her over. She's also one of the slowest co-workers I've ever met.
- Having both of my co-workers (one of whom is 16) look at me in disbelief when they found out (in this order) 1. That I was getting married and 2. That I'm going to be 26 this year.
- The brief moment when I actually considering buying one of those trendy mini-skirts and those 80's netted "sweaters". I can't believe I'm giving into the fashion slave gods.
- Being told that I was "very good at what I do". At first I felt the pride swelling up inside me. Then I realized that I just spent 10 minutes trying to sell an old woman some slutty skirts.
- The tagging thingie is my new favorite organizing tool. I have to admit that I felt a rush after tagging those $12.99 dresses. I'm going to be a pro by August.

my weekend
We had the big parents meeting on Friday night. I was super nervous, but it seemed to go well. Overall, I think that both of our parents came away from the dinner feeling positive about one another. One of the most embarrassing parts of the evening was when my dad started talking to Minsoo's dad about the origins of their name. My dad insists that Minsoo's name indicates that their family was Chinese. In turn, Minsoo's dad mentioned that our name is often associated with Koreans. Gotta love the ethnic pride.

And once again, there was another engagement party. This time, Minsoo's parents threw the party. It was festive and the food was good, however, I could sense that there were some parents in attendance that are slightly anxious for their kids to tie the knot. The pressure is on everyone.

Tonight I had an impromptu BYOM (Bring your Own Meat) BBQ at my place. It was nice to have people over and just hang out. All of the wedding celebrations were tiring me out, so it was nice to have a non-wedding-related event. We watched friends on DVD, cooked up some meat (note to self: BBQing bacon is a grease fire waiting to happen) and later on, the boys played poker. Once again there was a lack of another female presence which was fine (I'm used to it now), but it was no fun to ask the guys during their game about reception locations. Once again, I ask: Where are my girls at? Ladies in Chicago, Los Angeles, D.C., Madison, Boston, Texas, etc.: I MISS YOU.

yet more wedding talk
It's July 1st... over one year until I plan on getting married (the date hasn't been set yet, but July is probably the month) and I'm already feeling slightly crazed by wedding stuff. It's not that I don't love planning (oh, you know i do), but the wedding industry is NUTS. Flowers, printed invites, party favors, colors, bridesmaids dresses... and MONEY. It's all about money. Don't get me wrong, I want my wedding to be beautiful and cool, but dude, am I going to have to spend my first born child's college fund to get there?

On another note, I just bought the "So I Married An Axe Murdered" DVD. It's a mid 90s film with Mike Myers. Ironically, in the same trip I also bought 3 bridal magazines. I didn't do it on purpose, but it's sort of weird, right?

MIA
I've been so busy with work that I've barely had time to sleep let alone enjoy being engaged (which rocks, by the way, I recommend it). I think I'm getting sick too! Grrr. I'm very much behind on my e-mail writing and updating my pals on the new happenings. Sorry everyone, I really want to connect with you all but work is kicking my butt. Today is the graduation for the Americorps program I work for and then I'll be heading off to LA to visit the 'rents as well as celebrate and show off my new fiance and check out a potential apartment for next year. Then I will come back here and celebrate with the youngest Yu who turned 21 today. Woo wee.

wedding talk
My cousin's wedding was last weekend in Vancouver. She's my age so I anticipated the usual, "So when's YOUR turn?" To which I'd respond "Waa-tah!" and whip out my newest accessory. However, I realized that my cousin would probably murder me for stealing her day (She's sort of scary so you don't mess with her), so I kept it on the down-low. I revealed it to a few of my cousins and of course the word spread like low grade wildfire. I prefaced my secret announcement with the obligatory "I don't want to steal her thunder, so shhhh" but the bride found out anyway. Luckily she mentioned it at the end of the wedding and seemed happy about it so I avoided her wrath. I think my cousins are actually more excited about my wedding than hers. Maybe it's because hers was a dry wedding and mine, well, let's just say mine will be A LOT of fun. ;)

On another note, I have purchased not one, not two but THREE (count 'em) THREE wedding magazines. I have only been engaged for a little over a week. The madness has begun...

Travel update: Chicago, Vancouver... now back to LA next weekend. I'm so tired.

Shirley and Eric's wedding...
... Was beautiful. Shirley was a gorgeous glowing and happy bride the whole way through. She was the last one on the dance floor, and just seemed to enjoy every moment. Eric looked great as well and was just beaming as well. I almost cried several time during the ceremony, however it was Lowell's singing that got me going. He sang during the parents' appreciation time, which is always the most emotional. There were also a few funny moments, mostly related to what messy d refers to as the "jumbotron". The big screen for the projector made it feel like we were at a sporting event... or a forest, depending on which scenery background appeared during the ceremony. Weird.

The wedding cake was yummy. Good choice guys! Strawberries, some kind of yogurt and cream. Mmmmm. The speeches by the siblings made me very teary. Nakji's song was awesome, too. Overall, loved it. Loved celebrating with friends, loved seeing my friends get married and be so incredibly happy. Loved knowing that I'll get to spend time with the happy couple in LA soon. Loved knowing that they knew about my exciting news and allowed us to share the weekend with them.

it happened
I don't want to rip off other peoples' blog material and be unoriginal (I know, it's not fun to read about the same thing on everyone's blog...), but I guess I have to repeat the news: I GOT ENGAGED! Yes, you may have heard it from the blog circuit, so I'm confirming the rumor. We arrived in Chicago on Friday night for Shirley and Eric's wedding around 8:15pm-ish. The "plan" was that Beans would arrive slightly earlier, pick up a rental car, pick us up and we would head to the hotel where they were staying. We'd drop off their stuff and book it to NU to drop off some food for minsoo's sis, then arrive at a bar to be reunited with our NU crew. That was the plan I was given. Minsoo had something else brewing. So here's the play-by-play:
* We arrive a few minutes earlier than Beans and decided to meet him at the car rental place to save time. However we missed the shuttle to the car rental place. After what seems like forever (all of the other rental car companies' shuttles had come and gone twice and we were still waiting at our terminal), we met up with Dean at the rental car place. He looked so tired. But that was part of the plan, wasn't it beans? I feel a few sprinkles and I notice minsoo does not look pleased.
* We arrive at the hotel and check-in. Beans pretends to be so tired he crashes on the bed, bag still slung over his shoulder. I think he is super-tired so I go and wash up and change and give him time to sleep before we see our pals.
* After trying to wake our sleeping friend, minsoo and I leave without him and head toward NU.
* After a series of wrong turns, speeding, running through toll booths and making illegal u-turns, we finally arrived at NU to drop off food for minsoo's sister Sarah. We get a call informing us that Sarah is up at north campus and we have to drive through campus to pick her up. By this time, I am really impatient with it all and at one point, got mad because of minsoo's insistence on driving on the freeway (and thus getting us lost) instead of taking Golf (the one street I KNOW goes straight to campus) all the way to school. The sky looks angry, but not a drop in sight.
* We drive down Sheridan, the main street through campus, and I get all nostalgic. He takes YET ANOTHER wrong turn and drive by the Garrett Seminary instead of the dorm area on north campus. I am thinking in my head, can't this guy get it right??
* We circle around and he parks by the little chapel. He wants to go see the garden. I'm like, okay, it's gonna rain though and Sarah's outside, it's late and she's alone. Shouldn't we call her? Also, our friends are waiting for us at the bar and after this drive, I need a drink. I'm a little suspicious now.
* We walk behind the chapel and I see some little tea lights on the path. I say out loud, "Wow candles, I wonder why they're here" or something lame like this. I am humoring him. I'm still not 100% sure what's going on...
* ...Until we get into the main garden area. The entire path is lit up with candles, leading toward the end of the garden where there's a stone bench-like set up. On the stone bench are tons and tons of white candles of different shapes and sizes. I can'te believe it. Minsoo drags me toward the bench and I keep saying "Oh no, oh no"... not that I'm unhappy, it's just that this is FREAKING UNBELIEVABLE.
* I start crying just past the sundial, halfway toward the bench because I say, "What's going on?" and minsoo says, "What do you think is going on?" I don't like that question!!! The sky is crazy... thunder and lightning and lots of clouds.
* We get to where the candles are, he speaks for a little bit and then gets down on one knee and proposed (in telling the story 20 minutes later to my friends, i totally forgot this part!). Yes, the water works are going. No, it is not raining, the water's coming from my eyes.
* The ring is beautiful. I'm crying. I call my family. Minsoo gets the video camera, his sister and her friends (who set up the whole deal) come running into the garden.

It was beautiful. Magical. So special. Besides getting engaged, the best part was being able to celebrate with our friends afterward. I showed up at the bar, waved my hand and the tables went crazy. It was so nice. It was what I wanted a proposal to be like. Thank you minsoo, it was so special. Dang it, now I'm gonna cry...

plans
Tomorrow I'm heading out to Chicago to catch up with friends. I will be invading Tricialae's place (see places i visit) so maybe we'll post our antics during the weekend. Happyleep and Couscous will be in attendance along with many other peeps. I guess this is sort of a useless post. Peace out. Talk to you when I get back.

i don't think crying will get me money for school
I'm back from an unexpected trip down to LA. On Wednesday, I received a message confirming my interview for a scholarship/internship program in LA on Saturday. Huh? Apparently they sent me an e-mail congratulating me on getting an interview for a scholarship and sent me all the info, but I didn't get it. Luckily Ooj wanted to drive down anyway, so we booked it down to LA on Friday afternoon/evening. Ooj got to talk sports with my mom (sidenote: I discovered that my Lakers-obssessed mom decided that having ESPN, ESPN2, Fox Sports, and all of the other sports channels wasn't enough for her so she subscribed to the NBA channel. Enough already mom!). Luckily he didn't see the alleged "Zoolander" photo of me as a baby. I'd never hear the end of it. We played a good game of 20 questions on our way home. Some of the answers included Samir from Office Space, Gareth from The Office, Carol Baik aka new baby and A.J. -- aka stank juice from pho place.

The scholarship interview itself was probably one of the weirdest experiences of this type that I've encountered. One minute, one of the interviewers is asking me questions and the next minute, I'm crying uncontrollably. It wasn't because he was being mean or giving me hard questions. I think it's a combination of me being confused about what he was trying to ask me and a combination of getting worked up talking passionately about the issues I care about. I did a fair amount of banging on the table and using the word "pissed" (only after the interview said it, though). I've been reflecting on it since Saturday afternoon and am still baffled as to why it took such an unexpected turn. Why am I such a freak?? I guess if I get the scholarship I'll know exactly why I got it... and if I don't get it, I'll know EXACTLY why I didn't.

Next weekend: Chicago! Can't wait to see my buddies.

yes, 4 years
It's 11:56 pm so I better finish this post before the date logs me on June 4. Today marks the 4-year anniversary of me and minsoo, partners in crime. Lately I've been getting a lot of "When are you getting married?" questions. Instead of the common, "I don't know, sometime soon" response, I've thought of a few potential (and more creative) responses:

A. None of your beeswax.
A. Give minsoo thousands of dollars and we'll get married whenever you want us to.
A. Hey, look over there, isn't that the guy from Alf?
A. Oh, I'm not really dating him. He just follows me around.
A. When everyone stops asking us when we're getting married.

So you can ask us when we're getting married, you just might get one of these responses. ;)

just work stuff
Just finished another 13 hour day. I don't mean to complain, but dude, I work a part time non-profit job, not a full-time high paying job! Tomorrow I'm going back for another one. We're in recruitment season so we're doing group interviews to pick out the people we think might be a good fit for our leadership development program. One part of our group exercises involved the "Next activity" aka the "Silent activity." We tell them that we're going to begin the "next activity" and then we leave and they have to figure out how to use that 10 minutes. Some people have gotten angry that we just left them with no direction and others didn't notice we were missing and kept chatting to their friends. It gives us an opportunity to see what people do when they aren't given direction. It's sort of messed up, to be honest.

"Baby, your ship has come in...Baby, adventures will begin..." - Jem
Two new things i'm hooked on:
1. Carol, our pastor's new baby. I held her. It was scary but she's a cutie for a little newborn. She smells like baby - yum! I couldn't take my eyes off of her.
2. Listened to the Jem CD that minsoo has been raving about. She's like Dido, only happier.

sitcoms on dvd
Since I don't have very many channels, I've been watching more TV series DVDs. Tonight I spent a solitary evening watching a marathon of Sex and The City. I was very resistant to watching this show, despite rave reviews from friends. It seemed too racy for my liking. However, my old roommate got me hooked, so I've watched almost all of the 5 1/2 seasons that have been released on DVD. It's definitely a "watch with your pals" sort of show, but unfortunately my circle of females is pathetically small in the bay area. I can't wait to have some good girl time in a few weeks at Shirley and Eric's wedding. Anyway, I think the show poses a lot of good questions about relationships and the way women look at themselves. It's refreshingly honest in many ways.

On another note, just watched season two of The Office, a British TV comedy. Funny stuff. All I have to say about this show is: You're simply the Best.

different audiences, i guess
me: Hey, guess what? I was mentioned on my cousin's blog!
minsoo: Cool, I was in the Chicago Tribune.
me: Coo, coo.

the game and tv problem solved
The game: Last night I went to a bar in Palo Alto with some friends and witnessed the "game". You know what I'm talking about: The girls and guys meeting each other, manuevering their way toward conversation with the "cute" ones, manuevering their way around the sketchy ones. I was with two experienced commentators who gave me the play-by-play as I watched it all going down. One of the highlights was when the guy from Stir tv showed up and the girls flocked to greet him. Play on, playa.

TV update: Saturday was a dark day as I almost considered calling comcast to get my tv up and running againg. Today was the season finale of Alias so I knew that something had to be done by 9pm. After church, I came home with a raging headache and laid down. However, I was so stressed out about potentially missing the season finale that I stumbled out of the house and headed to target to find a solution for the crisis. A half an hour and $12.99 later, my ghetto antenna was up and running. Crisis averted. I only get like 6 channels (ABC, NBC, KTSF, UPN, WB, KQED), but it's okay because Comcast can still bite me. Phew, my principles are still intact.

IM conversation with our favorite drew shady (high school kid at church who is obsessed with buffy and angel) about Alias...
shady: Jeffrey Bell and Drew Goddard (Who were so good at writing "Angel") is writing for Alias next season... and it's going to be good! :-P
me: oh no
shady: Haha
me: so cheesy
shady: So cheesy? Nah. It's going to be GOOOOD!
me: i don't know about that. they write about weird stuff
shady: Hahahahaha. Angel isn't weird. :-/
me: it's about a vampire
me: that's weird
shady: Haha.

work and no tv
Worked a 16 hour day at my part time job yesterday. Came home with a big fat headache at 1am. I didn't know that part time work is actually just full time work with part time pay. I get it now.

My cable is still out (gasp - Alias season finale on Sunday night!). This means that the only show on tv is gray fuzzy lines. I hate that show.

another story from the ghetto
No more than 10 minutes ago, I was driving into my apartment complex from a grocery shopping excursion when I hear a man shouting obsenities and racial slurs... at me. He was lounging in one of the empty car ports, shirtless, and screaming at me (and probably any other cars that passed by). The N-word, the F-word, etc. flying at me. So I park near my unit and book it inside. Luckily the apartment management was already on its way to talk to the gentleman. It's 12:40 in the afternoon and some strange man is sitting in my complex harrassing residents.

Oh yeah, and the cable went out in our unit so there's no tv. I don't get cable tv, but even the regular channels are all fuzz. I should have picked up a 40 when I was at the store. I could find a nice empty carport and kick back to watch the action outside. Then at least I'd fit in with the neighbors.

shut up...
One of the funniest stories I heard from college was the time that one of the younger small group leaders in our fellowship became frustrate with the area coordinators (the person who takes care of the a group of small group leaders, this one was particularly annoying) and said "Shut up Mo-Fo" during one of their meetings. Now, I don't think it was particularly appropriate or nice, but in knowing the two parties involved, it sort of makes perfect sense.

Anyway, maybe I'm tired or maybe just having a low tolerance day, but I've been thinking about this phrase all day. When my co-worker asked me to stay late on Thurs and Fri nights, I was thinking "Shut Up Mo-Fo"... When I read an e-mail from our CEO telling us that our salaries are going to be reduced 10% starting June 1st, I was thinking "Shut Up Mo-Fo"... When someone apologized for something they didn't need to be apologizing for (in essence just kissing my ass and thus annoying me), I wanted to say "Stop saying sorry...shut up Mo-Fo"

Just like growling seems appropriate for some occassions, "Shut Up Mo-Fo" has its uses too, I guess.

bringin me back
Songs always make me nostalgic. Today I was brought back to my high school days when I heard the Cranberries on the radio. Tonight, I was checking out some new music on the grassroots music and found Havalina, a band that I rocked out to in my high school Christian ska band days. This band is crazy. They're not a ska band, but I can't even begin to explain their eclectic sound. The first album is really random, the second one sounds like a spy album (that's how we described it in high school), and the third one was made in Russia so it sounds, well, Russian... apparently there's also a Latin-inspired one. They played with the Supertones and other Christian bands that I loved back in the days. Wow. So, after seeing their stuff on the web, I pulled out my old CDs (Their debut album was probably one of the first 20 CDs I ever bought) and started listening to it. It's some weird stuff, but I love it. Wow, the memories.

while i'm on the topic...
Sometimes friends have happy birthdays. And other times, friends have roll-up-your-sleeves birthdays.

Happy roll-up-your-sleeves birthday beans.

don't call me a kimchee hater
...but my apartment REEKS right now. Like smells-like-trash-makes-me-want-to-puke reeks. I like Kimchee, but dude, you gotta admit that old kimchee makes any space stink like garbage. There was some kimchee ramen soup (mmm, very healthy) remnants left in the sink and the stove when I arrived home tonight and now everything in my apartment stinks. I've managed to subdue the smell in the living room, but my bedroom still stinks. Note to self: close bedroom door when exiting apartment in case garbage aka cooking smell penetrates my pillowcase. Come on glade plug in, do your thing! Ugh, I gotta end this post and leave my room. Stinky, stinky.

happy birthday...
minsoo and ooj.

grrrr
Caleb, our pastor's 6-year-old son, likes to growl when someone offends him or makes him mad. While most of his aggresive tendencies are not very nice and make me want to growl at him, I like the fact that he can openly express his feelings, right then and there. Sometimes things make me mad and I just want to growl too. GRRRRRR!!!

ill
I feel like throwing up. I just finished watching Supersize Me!, A documentary about a guy who eats McD's food 3 meals a day for 30 days. He gains like 24-25 lbs, gets high cholesterol, damages his liver and generally messes up his body. It's crazy. After watching him scarf down Big Macs, Filet O'Fishes, Chicken McNuggets, Sundaes, Cokes, etc. I started feeling quesy. Toward the end, I pounded my chest because I was getting sympathy heart palpitations. I even felt like I was getting bloated and fat as he gained weight. The filmmaker certainly made me feel the pain of OD-ing on fast food. I rushed home and drank a lot of water.

it's over
Okay, now I'm ready to talk about Friends. But do I even need to? Every TV show, website and newspaper is waxing nostalgic about the ending of this show. I agree it's sad that the show is ending and I will miss rushing home from prayer meeting every Thursday to watch those cute characters, but it's had it's time on the air. Make no mistake, I am a huge fan. But I know when to stop. Besides, I have seasons 1-5 on DVD and I know that most of the episodes will air on syndication. In fact, I just spent the afternoon watching the last episode (I miss the first half) again, watching some of season 3 on DVD and Oprah's interview with the cast. I think they need to stop doing interviews about how sad they are about the show ending. I will miss you, Friends, but now maybe NBC will create a new cool sitcom that actually has people who are young, hip and NOT white. A girl can dream, right?

In case you're wondering, my favorite episode is The One with the Embryos: The episode where Monica and Rachel play a trivia game against Chandler and Joey and lose their apartment. (Ms. Chanandler Bong... hee hee.)

ode to scrubs
The funniest show on tv is Scrubs, hands down. At least one time during each episode, I find myself laughing out loud. My favorite episode is when Turk and J.D. became poster children for the hospital's doctor diversity campaign. It's time to get your E.K.G., G. I especially liked the flash back of how Turk was on the cover of his yearbook twice because he's black.

My favorite part about Scrubs is that no matter how lousy a day I'm having or what mood I'm in, when I sit down and watch this show, I can still laugh my head off. This is my plug. If you don't laugh, I will have to reconsider our friendship.

flying cotton swaps and things of this nature
This weekend I was duct taped up and attacked by flying Q-tips. No joke. It was part of a game for the leaders' retreat. Each team picked a person to be taped up, sticky side up. We were taped up and left with one arm and a badminton racket to protect us from the opposing team, who were armed with plastic drinking straws and Q-tips as ammo. While my team spared the other team's representative from a complete tape-up, every inch of my body from my armpits to my ankles was fully taped by the other team... and taped tightly. The other team had a great Q-tip shooting strategy, but I think my small frame (less surface area) and my elementary tennis skills prevented my opponents from winning. Despite losing some oxygen and the risky un-taping procedure that followed the game, it was very entertaining.

Two entertaining TV moments this weekend: Beverly Hills 90210 -- the pregnancy episode. We had to explain to the youngest leader at the retreat what the show was about because he was too young when it first aired (I felt old). Friday's Giants vs. Marlins game. Whoa, second inning.

college days
I feel like I'm in college again. It's probably because I have a scholarship app due tomorrow and I don't know if I am going to get it in on time, plus I have to pack for my retreat this weekend. Unlike my NU days, I refuse to pull an all-nighter. Tomorrow is going to be hectic though. I have an intense day of work followed by a church leadership retreat -- in addition to finishing my app and sending it in. ACK! It makes me question my grad school decision.

I also feel like I'm in college again because I've been keeping in touch with my college friends more. They remind me of good times, simpler times (which I often made more difficult with unnecessary drama). We're growing up!! I can't wait to see them at S&E's wedding... and P&M's wedding... ugh. I'm so po'...

I am also super tired. I'm not sure where all of my energy went. It probably went to worrying about needless things. I just realized today that I have less than 4 months left in the bay area. Crazy. I also realized that I really want to be intentional about spending those 4 months well. I'm not sure what that looks like, but it's gotta be better livin' than what I'm doing now.

why i love hannah yu
"So that's my little rant about that. You may not like my opinion, but at least I have one." This is only part of her blog entry, but sums up for me why I think this girl kicks ass.

i don't think you're ready for this jelly
It's really hot in my room. When it gets hot, I can't go to sleep. And when I can't sleep, I stay up and think. And when I think, I think A LOT. So right now I'm thinking about how I've slowly developed the reputation of "telling it like it is", even though most of the time, I keep it all in and never end up telling anyone anything. I actually like this trait in other people (as long as they're nice about it) and I often try to be forthright in general, so hopefully I am doing an okay job of it. However, sometimes it backfires and people would rather not talk to me or are intimidated by me. Intimidated by ME? Sometimes I jokingly threaten to kick people's asses, but I'm just joking, really I am... And you know that my 5'0 frame would not stand a chance against 99.9% of the humans (and animals, although I don't really hang out with them...) that I hang out with. So does this mean that I can talk a good game? Or does this mean that I'm not a very nice person. Maybe a little bit of both. Is this a good trait to have or does it mean that I'm not compassionate enough? Should I be more understanding and less judgemental -- oh yes, definitely. Am I trying? Every day.

So I guess if you would like some honest truth from a friend that loves ya, give me a ring. I'm also good at telling you how much better you are than significant other/job/friends/loved ones/hair-cut/fill-in-the-blank. I'm also trying to get better at "oh no he did NOT say that" neck turns combined with the ever-so-popular index finger waving.

names
Once again, ripping off my friends' blogs... I took the name test and here's what I got for Wai-Ling: "Take advantage of all opportunities. You must develop your creativity and talents. You are determined to prove yourself to others. You have a need to be up front. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job."

What sucks about this is that it's almost identical to my friend's description... and his name is Benjamin. (Yes and I agree, stroked?? Weird.) My other names included much of the same "insight" as Ben's description.

It's lame that I'm drawn to these quizzes. I remember during freshman year in college there was this online quiz called "CUPID" that matched NU students to each other based on questions we answered. I remember minsoo making me fill out that quiz. I don't think he was even on my CUPID list of potential matches. Funny how things work out, huh?

real age
I went to the realage.com site (courtesy of Nakji) to take a test that calculates your "real age" based on your health and work. It reported that I am actually 25.9, only 0.3 years older than I really am. Phew! And all this time, I thought that my real age would be something closer to 70 or 80.

Speaking of old people, I saw The Way Home today. I cried a lot. It was heartwarming and made me miss my grandparents. For anyone who has a special relationship with their grandparents or likes old people in general (I like old people), you will enjoy this movie.

food cravings
Last night, I read in two people's blogs about the cnn news article on food cravings so I had to check it out. I found one of the quotes really interesting: '"A cotton swab impregnated with the food was placed in their tongues so they could taste it," the researchers wrote.'

Impregnated?! Ew. Why didn't they just give the research participants bites of the real food? Did they create some kind of bacon-egg-cheese-sandwich liquid concoction (which was one of the favorite foods listed - weird!) and dip the Q-tip in it? Maybe they just used this word to make it seem more scientific.

Speaking of food cravings, last night was a pretty boring evening. I made minsoo accompany me on a mission to find my favorite lactose product at the store. We found it, did a little dance in the ice cream aisle, then scurried home to devour it. I think I've eaten almost 3 quarts of the green tea goodness in the past few weeks. I know, it's sick.

sad news
My home church is like a family... no really, I mean, it's like my biological family. Most of the people are related to me by blood (not just Jesus'). If they're not related to me, then I call them "Auntie" or "Uncle". Our church is very tight knit. Anyway, the elderly father of one of our family friends (the family just recently left our church) died today. I consider them like our extended family and they attend many of our holiday family get-togethers. Anyway, the elderly father's death was quite a shock since they just found out he had cancer in his lungs last week. The doctors said he had 2-3 months left but tonight he passed away. He wasn't a Christian, but Sunday a pastor came by the hospital and the father accepted Christ.

I think this is significant because this family recently left our church to find another one with a bigger kids ministry. Unfortunately, they hadn't been going to church recently at all, mostly using the excuse of "no kids ministry" to leave our small church and the responsibilities they took on as part of the leadership. The husband (whose father passed away) grew up in our church and had been encouraging his older parents to come to church, but when they left, the parents had no incentive to come. So when his father was diagnosed as terminal, I think the salvation question was a huge burden for him. His mom is very anti-Christian and only went to church as part of a deal (long and complicated, won't go into it) and was against having a pastor come to the father's death bed and do a salvation schpeal. I think this tragedy is part of a process of encouraging them reconsider pursuing a more intentional Christian community and recognizing the gifts of the community/family they left. I know that they definitely did not treat my mother very well and ironically she's the very person whom they called right away and who has spent the past 2 weeks counseling them, praying with them and even notifying family friends tonight.

Why am I sharing this all? I don't know. I'm sad for my church family. Sad for their loss and for the suddenness of it all. It reminds me to focus on the eternal and not the temporal troubles and conflicts I'm so good at pondering.

weekend diversions
This weekend was filled with much needed diversions. The first was a Giants game on Friday night. We lost. Barry hit 662. It was cold. I was almost clobbered by a crowd during a little Dodgers-Giants fan scuffle. I was walking toward the bathrooms when I saw a Dodgers fan fall (in slow motion -- probably drunk) and beer flying and people pushing me backward as they backed up to avoid the scuffle. I ran back to my group and made minsoo walk with me to the restroom. That's what we get for getting the cheap seats... or cheap standing area spots. I was also on the jumbotron (sp?) wearing my jeero hat. I think the cameras came to our section because I was next to these kids with their faces painted.

Hillary, one of my bestest friends from NU, came to visit on Saturday. I love the fact that we can sit down and talk about the really important stuff in our lives right away. She is one amazing woman and I'm blessed to call her a sister in Christ. It's amazing to me that when we first me, she wasn't a Christian. Now, I consider her one of my most trusted Christian sisters. Her visit brought me a lot of joy.

Sunday.... I really appreciate Pastor Frank's sermons and having a pastor in general. After church there was a little bit of drama as a woman in the Korean congregation fainted. I hope she's okay. We missed our usual coffee outing to wait for the ambulance to arrive. A group of us headed over to the east bay for a birthday. I was so tired and not feeling that social. However, probably not more than an hour after I arrived, Hillary showed up with her friend. She stayed at my place for the night, went to church in Menlo Park and was going to meet up with her friend who is from the east bay. Apparently, her friend was also a high school friend of the birthday guy. Small world. It was a fun surprise and nice to extend my visit with her. I didn't get to talk to her as much because I got sucked into a poker game with messy d, superchoong, beans and sue. It was really fun, but now I know who to watch out for next time I play. Thank goodness I wasn't using real money.

This weekend was really... well, nice. It was nice to be busy, to not think about my financial woes and to just to be in community. It was exactly what I needed. :)

comforted by green tea ice cream
As I was helping Leslie with her taxes (a weeks-long process of encouraging her to find independence through the 1040), I noticed a fat mistake in my own 1040 (the form I proudly completed in January!). At 1pm I headed over to the H&R Block where the tax guy informed me that I had done most of it right and that there was no way I could avoid giving my first born child to the IRS. After a minor breakdown which included a call to my mom and some hyperventilating, I headed home (the tax guy didn't charge me because I had done most of the work and I think he saw the desperation in my face) to fix my forms. I had to max out my credit card to cover what I owe. The real world kicks my butt again.

After prayer meeting I was more at peace but still annoyed at some other issues going on, so minsoo and I headed over to Albertson's to find some green tea ice cream, which makes everything (except my digestive system) better. When I found the tubs in the freezer, minsoo did a crazy dance, shouting and making a scene. It made me laugh and for a moment, made me forget all of the things that were (and still are) bothering me.

breathe. breathe. breathe.

Can't forget the update: I'm going to UCLA next year. How I'm going to pay for it, I don't know. One step at a time.

close call with the po-po
I was talking to my mom on my cell phone while driving to minsoo's house tonight when I noticed someone tailing me. I started complaining to my mom about the dumb car on my tail as I turned left onto minsoo's street. Then I noticed the flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Oh no. I pulled over, hung up the phone, gripped the steering wheel and put on my best "oh, no officer, what's wrong?" look. When the Sheriff came up to the car he said I was doing 50 in a 35mph zone. [Inner dialogue: Uh hello, I do 50 mph ALL the time on that stretch of road, everyone does, dude.] I just looked up and sort of whimpered "really??". He asked me for my license and registration. I slowly reached over and very carefully took out my info (as if I was totally new to this process). He asked me if I still lived in So Cal and if I was going to school up here. I told him I wasn't a student but was returning to school in LA. (Thank goodness for grad school.) I actually think I used my high pitch "I'm a little girl voice" when I answered him. My unaware and innocent young student act worked -- He let me off the hook with a warning. Phew, that was a close call. I managed to escape with my clean driving record intact. I wonder what he would have done if I had been wearing my hat with the little ears.

my cousin
Recently I've been chatting with my cousin from Hawaii on IM a lot. He's probably 7-10 years older than me, but we're finally entering that stage when we're both old enough to carry on an adult conversation (I know, it's taken us that long!) Anyway, it's been cool to reconnect and ask for older-guy-cousin advice.

On his blog (he doesn't know about mine), he wrote up a review for the passion that makes me sad. In it, he mentioned that he left the church years ago and no longer claims to be Christian, which I didn't know. He also said that while he used to become emotional when thinking about Christ's death and sacrifice, watching movie didn't touch him at all. Now, I don't think that Christians have to cry when seeing that movie (it's just a movie, for goodness sake), but reading his statement about not being a Christian was really hard. I knew that he left the church for awhile and that he just recently started going again, but I never knew the status of his faith. Reading those statements really hit me hard, for many reasons. I love my cousin a lot and so I guess it's a reminder about praying for my family continually, wherever they are.

He lives
Happy Easter. Lately, my life have been so grad-school focused, I feel like I haven't been really thinking big-picture. Jesus's resurrection is what makes my faith real, yet I spend most of my day focused on the little stuff.

Here's a quote on my calendar from Charles Dickens. I don't think he's talking about Jesus and the day of the resurrection, but I thought it was appropriate in celebration of today:

"...That was a memorable day for me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same way with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns and flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day." -- Charles Dickens.

more on the grad school visits
Wednesday morning: After battling the 405 rush hour commute, I arrived at UCLA and sped toward the parking structure near the public policy building. I pulled up expecting to purchase a parking pass (because that's what I did when I visited in the fall), but didn't stop at the visitor's kiosk where they sell the parking passes during school hours. The cars lined up behind me at 9am were not thrilled when I made them back up so I could find the visitor's kiosk and buy the stupid pass. After I purchased the pass, I returned to the parking structure entrance and discovered that the pass they gave me did not work. UGH! I had to get out of my car and ask the girl behind me to back-up. (Experienced another set of students' dirty looks.) The parking attendants forgot to give me the actual parking pass that you stick into the machine. Grrr. So I parked quickly and ran through the parking structure to the public policy building. I got really lost inside the structure and so I ended up wandering around for awhile until I literally saw light. I'm sure you know that I'm normally really punctual and I'm usually on top of things, but I arrived at the welcome day out of breathe and totally late.

Wednesday afternoon: Before the financial aid session began, the graduate advisor had some of us early birds introduce ourselves and share what undergrad schools we came from. I was one of two people who came from non-U.C. private schools. The grad advisor pointed this out. Then she asked if any of us were considering other schools. I mentioned USC and the other private-school girl nodded in agreement. Then, she started grilling me and the other girl about USC, with the tone of "Why are you considering USC when you're interested in UCLA??? Don't you know what they're about compared to our program?" I felt like she was putting me and the other girl on the spot so I blurted out "Um, to be honest, USC offered me money and they're helping me pay for my trip down here so I thought I'd check it out... just being honest." As if I was guilty of cheating on UCLA. She sort of hrumphed and went on. The private-school girl is my new friend.

Friday afternoon: Alumni panelist said that if he could do anything differently from what he did when he attended USC's UP program, he would have studied less. When he said this, Private-school girl and I looked at each other and said "Whaaa??" Another panelist said she was 22. I felt kinda old.

Lunch comparison: UCLA -- self-serve cold rubbery pizza on paper plates, warm soda. USC -- Ceasar Salad, Salmon, Cheesecake served by their wait staff on china with multiple pieces of fancy silverware on all three sides of my plate (good coffee!).

Student comparison: Every student I met that I enjoyed speaking with at USC was also considering UCLA. Most of the students I really liked at UCLA were considering UCLA or other non-Urban planning programs at other schools. Some of the prospective USC students brought their parents. One of the UCLA prospective students brought his daughter.

A piece of advice from a USC alumni: You will learn more from the people around you (your cohort) than any class you take. Ironically, I think this made me favor UCLA a lot more.

Number of times I heard the phrase "Trojan network" on Friday: gazillion.

A joke I heard from a UCLA grad student: Trojans are only good for one time, but a Bruin lasts forever. Hm.

Where would you go if you were in my shoes?

Dial...up...is...so...slow
I'm at home. My school visits are over - Yay! I am completely exhausted and depleted from putting on my extroverted, assertive persona. I enjoyed meeting some really amazing and inspiring future grad students and even ran into an NU Alum and a friend of a friend. I am pretty sure that I've made my grad school choice. While UCLA had the passion, the idealism and people dedicated to social justice, USC put on a really amazing dog and pony show. From the fancy food and multiple silverware options, to the comfy lecture hall chairs, I kept trying to repeat Drew Shady's mantra ("I remain focus!") in my head. Anyway, I'm still deliberating, but I'm pretty close to making a decision. You'll find out on April 15.

On another note, apparently I have a twin somewhere out there. One of the potential MPL/MPA grad students approached me and asked if we had met. He was from North Carolina. I've never been there. Maybe it's because there aren't a lot of Asian people. Tonight, I was out with some high school friends and their church friends and a little high school girl said that I looked like a girl she went to school with -- a senior, who apparently is also Filipino.

I thought I'd give you an update on my trip. There were other interesting anecdotes that I will share later. I think those 3 cups of coffee are finally wearing off.

monday tv
Baseball season is upon us. I watched part of the Giants game today and listened to the rest on the radio. I can't wait to hit up pac bell, uh, I mean, SBC park. Whatever.

On another tv note... Average Joe. COME ON! Dude, you got screwed over last time because Melana wanted hot boy. Now you're doing the same thing and choosing hot (but not really hot, just high maintenance) girl. Ew. It just proves my point that people never listen to friends and family when dating. Never. Lunkhead, why you gotta be like that?

I'm off to LA to visit grad schools. I'm so tired.

boxcar
Today I saw a really powerful one-act play put on by a Chicano theater company on immigration called Boxcar. The play was centered around a group of men trying to cross the border by hiding in a train. It was based on a news story in 1987 about 18 immigrants who suffocated - only one survived - in a boxcar while trying to cross over. The play was really simple, yet powerful. It brought up so many thoughts in my head -- about how we continue to forget our own immigration history, how our "forefathers" escaped oppression and then oppressed and murdered indigenous people, how we perpetuate a culture of fear toward immigration and foreigners and how... well, there were a lot of things going on in my head. It makes me wonder how I can be obedient to him in the midst of seeing injustice in the world.

On another related note, my trip to LA was really good. I'm not sure what the other ladies thought, but it was surprisingly convicting. God is so much more faithful than I am to Him. I guess that's why he's God, right? I'll share more later.

lame post
I'm at a loss for words. I think it's because of everything that I experienced this weekend, plus some other stuff. But since almost every blog I've looked at today updated their blog in the past 24 hours, I felt I should too. So, I've decided to take the easy way out and not talk about the stuff going on in my head and instead, take my favorite lines from the blogs I read. When I get my bearings, I'll check back in with you. In the meantime, check this out:

"Now I suppose that someday, some guy may, I repeat, MAY convince me that he has something to offer. But it's gotta be good dang it. And it has to be someone who can contend with a lawyer with PMS. :)
Yeah. Thought so." -- Tricialae. You go girl. You make me proud.

"War And Peace: AKA the worlds longest book. In fact, possibly longer than the Bible. " -- Unha. I'm stickin' with the Bible.

"hot asian girl, we should meet up sometime. and you better be hot, or i'll be pissed. i hate liars." BonesMd. Oh Bones.

"Ah New Kids. You'll always be a part of me." -- Hannah. Me too, Hannah, me too.

I miss my NU peeps. *sigh*

new hat
minsoo bought me this funny hat. it has ears and a face. when i put it on and look at myself in the mirror, i laugh--at myself. it's my new favorite accessory.

my best friend from high school used to collect barbies and it was scary
The girl that was my best friend in high school is getting married on Saturday. I'm reminiscing about how we first met (in English class), going to junior prom with our boyfriends (who were also best friends), spending late nights in the journalism room putting together our beloved newspaper, beating her admirers off with a stick (I had the stick, she had the admirers). Those were the days. Now we're totally different people, with different aspirations (she's still a journalist), different relationships (she and her fiance have been living in the house they bought together for the past year) and different ways of looking at life. Her impending wedding has not been my greatest source of joy, for many selfish reasons. I'm struggling with trying not to project my issues onto her life, but it's been hard given that she's accomplished many of the goals we dreamed about in high school. I know that my life has been turned around and upside down since college -- and it has been the best thing to happen to me. At the same time, it's hard to shake off the past and feel confident in the path that I'm heading down, without thinking about those around me.

Stupid weddings. They always make me think about dumb stuff.

On another note, my high school best friend did not invite one of our close friends to the wedding, even though she e-mailed him over a year ago telling him to "save the date" and inviting him to her wedding. How lame is that? I don't think it would have been as rude if she just didn't tell him about the engagement, but the fact that she invited him to the wedding a long time ago is really terrible. What is the etiquette for this? Should the bride contact our friend and uninvite him formally? Doesn't she know that I will talk to him and tell him I got an invite? Awkward, awkward, awkward. It makes me not want to go... okay, okay, I shouldn't use this as an excuse not to go... Let the wedding season begin!

hm
Do you ever feel bad about feeling bad about stuff? I'm not sure if it's something that plagues women, but I've noticed that women often preface feelings with "I feel bad about feeling this way, but I feel..." I'm definitely not immune. What does this say about us? Does it say that we're not comfortable with our feelings? Are we socialized to feel certain ways about things? Do we use that phrase when we don't trust our feelings? Are we prefacing our feelings to make sure we don't offend anyone (and possibly watering down the impact)? What kind of crap is this?! I guess it's sort of a war between our hearts (the way we feel about things) and our minds (the way we think we should feel about things).

I guess I bring this up because I was just thinking to myself, "I feel bad about feeling this way..." and then I was like, why do I have to feel bad about feeling bad? Feeling bad already sucks, but feeling guilty about feelings sucks even more.

On a different note...
I'm pooped. Cesar Chavez Day of Service and Learning is over for me! It was quite inspiring and I put a lot of work into it. I wasn't sure people really learned anything from the day, but then at the end of the day after the service part (cleaning a creek, gardening, weeding, painting, trash pick-up), someone started sharing about how he was going to think more about the people who made his food and the choices he's making as a consumer because of what he learned during the workshop I organized in the morning. His statement helped validate the 50+ hours of work I've put in this week.

where the estrogen at?
Yesterday's bible study was sort of depressing for me because the only other woman in attendance was Patty (the pastor's wife) and her 2-year-old daughter Christine (who doesn't count since she spent most of the time eating my pirate's booty snack). Contrary to popular belief, I am not one of those self-titled "guys girls". While I hang out with guys 90% of the time, I don't claim to prefer the male variety more than the female of the species. At the same time, I do recognize that relationships with women are much more complicated and sometimes harder to manage, so I end up reverting back to mindless tv-watching with guys who don't care if you don't say anything. I guess it makes a difference for me during bible study when I don't feel the comraderie and fellowship that comes from sharing during bible study with other women. There I go again, sharing as if this is not a public blog. Oh well.

sidenote: For everyone in the midwest and east coast battling the snowy weather, move out west and enjoy 70-80 degree weather of California with me! I miss you.

commitment and vision
At a recent training, one of the speakers said that sometimes we need a little less commitment and a little more vision. It was a profound statement for me. It struck me because sometimes I am so committed to people, organizations, ideas, etc. that I forget about having a vision for these things. Sometimes vision (where I can see these things in the future) gets pushed aside for being immersed in taking care of immediate situations. I think commitment and vision go hand in hand, but I recognize that I tend to be more commitment-heavy and less vision-ready. Does that make sense?

that icky feeling
Last week's Mercury News training was cool -- it made me consider pursuing the field of journalism again. I felt a little envious of the news-making lifestyle, but I wasn't too broken up about not being a part of the newsroom glory. Today, I received a link from the Executive Director of our Chicago office to a news article she was quoted in. The story was written by a guy I went to j-school with. Everytime I see a byline with a name I recognize from NU, it sends me into a "what-if" spiral. It's gotten better over the years, but it's definitely a weak point for me. The "Keeping up with the Jones" mentality creeps in and invades my "finally comfortable with not following the straight and narrow" space that I worked so hard to maintain. This is when I have to remember that in the long run, this stuff isn't important and that I want to live a life that will earn a "Well done, good and faithful servant!" (Matt. 25:21) when I go up to meet the Big Guy in the Sky.

a song instead of my rambling blogging
Caedmon's Call is one of my favorite bands. "The Emptiest Day" is from their Back Home album. I won't go into an explanation as to why I think this song is blog-worthy. I'll just say that it has some good lines, especially the lines about how they say you can find God in a flower, but needing to find God in the car. Amen, brother.

"The Emptiest Day"
They say You live in hospitals and trenches
And towers in the sky
And I'm not dying or fighting any wars
Except on the inside

The only thing I need is a void that You can fill
And I jump ship and run even further in Your will

And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day

The words I find impossible to mention
Are written on a star
They say that I can find You in a flower
But I need You in the car

The optimism of my youth is dead and gone
But I'll save these speculations for another time and song

And life is only perceived through chemicals and emotion
But love, love is the island that overgrows the ocean

i met mr. roadshow
Today I brought the Allies to the Merc for a training on the goings on at the paper. It was pretty exciting to me. One of the most exciting parts was meeting Gary Richards, the guys who does the Mr. Roadshow column. His column answers questions like "What is it called when police cars drive across 4 lanes of the freeway to slow down traffic when there's a piece of debris on the road?" or "When is the construction along 880 going to be finished?" He's super nice and I totally gushed about how me and my friends find his column so helpful.

On another note, I added another list on the right column. It's not that informative, but I decided to mix it up a bit. I'm not feeling that creative, so if you have any suggestions, e-mail me (although I'm sure that most of you couldn't care less).

can i keep her?
Our new pastor's 2-year-old daughter is really adorable. Normally, I'm not a little kid person (I like the older ones that can talk), but all it takes is a look from this girl (who is half Chinese and half Korean, but looks more Chinese, yeah!) and I'm completely hers. Today, I pretended that when I took off my glasses, I couldn't see anything, but when I put them on again, I could see everything and then some. My highly exaggerated schtick worked. The girl laughed and demanded I do it again. I must have done it at least 20 times. After awhile, other people started to notice and started laughing at me... not with me -- at me. So when Christine kept demanding I do it again, I wanted to say no to save my pride (I'm sure it looked ridiculous), but her big brown eyes stared up at me and I couldn't say no. Christine is going to have to fight the boys off with a stick. Watch out, Pastor Frank.

teamwork at it's lowest
There were a lot of good things about today (the weather, a few good conversations, Shaolin Soccer), but I'd rather share about the meeting I had to referee today. The Allies (the people I "train" as part of my job) organize themselves in groups and plan one training for the rest of the group. This is supposedly the chance for them to experience "true" teamwork and also gives me one week during the spring when I don't have to plan a training. The February group, in the course of their planning process, decided to kick out one of their members. I was given the oh-so-fun job of "debriefing" (aka giving them a time to air their differences and talk about what they learned from their experience) the team after their training took place. At one point during the meeting, they started arguing - a lot. I let it happen, but then I couldn't take it anymore and I just yelled "STOP IT. STOP IT!..." It reminded me of when I worked with middle school kids. When the kids got in fights, they spent most of the time pointing fingers and acting like victims. Because I'm so good at handling conflict (note the heavy sarcasm) and because I'm battling a cold, I couldn't handle it. I think they were sort of shocked because I'm usually more articulate and I never shout at them.

At the end, (by this time, I shouted at them a few times and I almost wanted to send two of them to the corners) I gave them all a pep talk about taking this experiences and learning from it, instead of holding onto the bad things that happened and one of the guys said "Thanks Mom." It was nice to hear because at that point, I was all shaky and about to cry. Maybe it was the 'tussin.

vicious cycle
Cursed Ice Cream. The frosty pints tempt me at the store, so I buy it, gallon after gallon. But after I devour it, the effects of the lactose send me into a spiral of gaseous regret. I am weak and forgetful, so the cycle repeats itself, day after day, night after night. Oh green tea goodness, will you stop tempting me so?

Sorry, nothing else to report other than my run-in with lactose.

fabio???
Unfortunately, I watched the AJ finale. That's all I'm going to say about it.

On another note, I called in sick (but still had a conference call and a meeting downtown anyway) to rest up. I've been feeling like I'm on the brink of sickness. I'm fighting it with lots of sleep and Emergen-C packets. January is finally catching up with me. Gotta stay well, gotta stay well...

yup, i saw the movie too
The Passion of the Christ was intense and brutal, though not as crazy as I thought it would be. The first scene where Jesus is being whipped with different instruments was definitely hard to watch, though. What most moved me was watching Mary, the mother of Jesus. The actress has an amazingly expressive face, which moved me to tears whenever her gaze was on screen.

Watching the movie reminded me that one, I need to read the Bible more, and two, that I want to spend this month leading up to Easter focusing more on Jesus. I usually spend this time wishing for summer, trying to stay healthy and going through the motions. After watching the movie, it reminded me of the need to really meditate on Jesus's sacrifice and the awesome mercy of the resurrection.

the cops, the heat-mobile and painting pastor frank's house
Just another Tuesday evening. Our new pastor is moving into his townhouse and a group of us volunteered to help paint. Halfway through the painting, we went out for dinner. When we returned to the townhouse, beangoo and minsoo had a run in with the law. Apparently, as we pulled up to the house, a neighbor called the police because someone was breaking into a car -- which happened to be our church friend's car (aka the heat-mobile). They already arrested one of the possible car thieves, however they were looking for 2 more guys. Unfortunately, when I dropped b&m off and went to park my car, they happened to be walking in the parking area where the cops were hunting some criminals. I got out of my car in time to see the cops stopping the guys, and the guys kneeling down on the ground... like criminals. When I thought I saw the cop handcuffing beangoo, I walked over to try and explain, but the cops just dismissed me by saying they were just doing their own investigation. It was so strange to see my friends looking like perpetrators, even if it was only for a short time. It made me think about the stories I heard from people at my Americorps program about police brutality and oppression by police. I know they are just doing their job, but I definitely understood how people can feel animosity toward law enforcement.

Eventually, the Heat arrived and told the police that the guys were his friends and they were let go. It left me with sort of a sick feeling in my stomach. It made me think a lot about gender dynamics (If I had been walking down the street, would they have stopped me?), power and privilege and a lot of other things that I'm still thinking about. Both B&M seemed okay after the incident, so I guess it's weird for me to be "processing" it. I think after hearing other people talk about painful experiences with police, I see this incident as part of a larger discussion. Yes, I think a lot about stuff.

careful, spider in there
My roommate had 2 spiders in her room, both near her bed. We managed to kill the little white one, but the big black one was hanging off of her stucco ceiling. I created a swiffer/paper towel/windex spider-death-contraption for her to use, but unfortunately we only managed to capture a leg. The rest of it went free. My roommate had a lot of clothes and junk in her room so we have no idea where the rest of the spider went. I hope it's hobbling around, looking for a good place to die. Most likely it's hiding out, growing back its leg and planning its next attack. I'm going to hide under the covers tonight. *Shiver*.

my check-up
Today was my first "annual" check-up in over 5 years. The doctor spent about 15 minutes with me, told me I needed to exercise more and then sent me down to the lab for blood work. When I arrived in the lower waiting room, I found a mess of senior citizens waiting for their turn with the needle. When it was finally my turn (I almost accidently cut in front of an elderly Indian man -- awkward), I sat down in the not-so-private blood testing station. On the small "walls" separating the counter into blood-testing stations were these weird pictures of animals. In an attempt to distract the blood-giver from the horrors of the needle, they posted photos of cute kittens, birds and dogs up on the walls. When I was waiting for the test, I noticed the photos and kind of chuckled to myself. Are those photos supposed to make it easier? Who's going to fall for that?

(Wai-Ling raises her hand.) Lucky for me, these tacky pictures were there since I started to get really nervous when I sat down. I began to stare intensely at the little kitten photographed in a cage with a bird on top and started to babble to the lab technician, "Ha ha, that's cute..." even though I really didn't think it was that cute. When I felt the cold wet disinfectant wipe on my arm, I decided to come clean with the technician. I nervously laughed and then said, "I'm a little bit nervous about this, he he". She took pity on me so she started to chat with me, which helped to ease the tension. After she took my blood I bolted out of there and once again, almost ran into that same elderly Indian man walking to his car. It was windy so I rushed to my car and opened up my car door... consequently (and unintentionally) preventing him from opening his car door -- awkward moment with elderly Indian man #2.

fafsa
My FAFSA is done. I didn't spend that much time on it. Maybe I should have spent more. Hm. I just wanted to get it over and done with. I lead a busy life... or rather, Alias was on and I wanted to finish it in time. The FAFSA concludes my grad school application process. Woo hoo. I think I'm probably different from many people who apply to grad school. Usually people who go to grad school are a lot more focused than they were in undergrad. After 4 years of being out of school, I think I bring with me a more open attitude. Normally I would be dead set on a certain school and a certain career path. I think that I've learned a lot about being flexible and knowing that no matter how hard I try and plan everything out, it's never the way I imagined it. So I may be headed toward grad school, and I may not be. To say this is a big deal for me. In high school I already had my life mapped out (career-wise, at least) and I was so driven. I'm still driven, but I guess I'm more open to diversions along the way.

Here's a verse from today's sermon that struck me as being really relevant to my consistent struggles:
"This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:5-9

green tea ice cream and the third wheel
My new love is green tea ice cream. Actually, I've liked it for awhile, but Dryer's is finally selling quarts of it at the store. Tonight I picked up 2 for minsoo's monthly movie madness... well, one for the movie night and one for later. I ate most of the quart (minsoo had some) during Roman Holiday and cleaned out the container during the first 10 minutes of Casablanca. Now I'm awake because my stomach is full of milk products. Yay for the green tea flavor... boo for the lactose.

Valentine's Day was low key, as usual. On Thursday, I told SDH to make sure that minsoo bought me flowers. I'm glad the not-so-subtle hints worked. Minsoo also picked me up in the morning to go out to breakfast at stacks. I ate only half of the yummiest and largest fruit-filled crepe I've ever seen. Their hash brown potatoes are also really good, which reminded us that we need to take SDH to eat breakfast there. He LOVES hash browns. I think it's sad that we think of SDH even when we're alone and on a "date". Hey SDH, if we both move down to LA, you have to come with us! We need our third wheel.

a diversion
Just watched Something's Gotta Give. Other than Keanu's annoying lines, it was a sweet story and a good diversion. The scene where Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson are in the kitchen in their pjs making pancakes is really awesome. At one point she says something to the effect of "I don't know if you hate me or are the only one who really gets me." Hm. I like how the other characters totally see the guys falling for DK, instead of how movies usually portray the "falling in love" scene as something that's oblivious to everyone but that one person who's "falling". It's annoying how the "characters in love" have to admit it to their loved ones. Duh. In real life I think that sometimes your friends and family see that spark even before you do... and they notice if it's not there. Ugh, I'm reacting to a romantic comedy -- what's wrong with me?? I wave my fist at Valentine's Day --- evil!!

Now i am back to being me. Tomorrow I will find something to rant about, I promise. Grrr!

ow, my head
Lately I've been at a loss for words when people ask me how I'm doing. It's not because I don't know, it's probably because I'm afraid to share. I think it's because there's so much in my head that I can't articulate clearly where I'm at in my processing. It's pretty scary since my head has literally began to hurt. There's actually pain in my forehead when I'm confronted with tough things. Usually it's combined with crying, so maybe that's where the sinus pressure comes from, but it's a crazy feeling. You know how some people claim that their head hurts from so much thinking? Now I know what that means.

So, what am I thinking about right now? Here's a short list:
- still reeling from having to remove someone from our Americorps program and trying to manage all of the feelings behind that decision
- realizing that Feb and Mar are actually JUST as busy as January (grr!)
- trying to deal with not wanting to take control over situations
- recognizing aspects of my character that i don't like
- being sick and tired of feeling not supported
- wanting to do more, knowing i can only do so much (sounds so cliche, i know)
- realizing that i work full time at a part time job
- wanting/needing balancing in my life but not knowing how
- missing my special friends from northwestern
- wanting more forgiveness and contentment in my life
- wanting my HEAD TO STOP HURTING

Tonight's bible study was a good reminder for me about faith and God's grace and being able to articulate why you believe in something. I need to continue to stop focusing so much on finding answers and more time letting God take care of my life. Yes, I wrote it. Now I need to take it to heart.

Eck, why do I blog about this stuff? To be honest, normally when people I know blog about heavy stuff, I usually skim through it and move on to a more entertaining story. Sorry guys, I'll try to fill you in on my latest escapade when my head stops hurting. Thanks for indulging in this in the meantime.

If You Want Me To
Sometimes things are so complicated and sharing what's been going on just doesn't cut it. This is when I resort to quoting lines from songs and poems. I guess it's my way of expressing everything's that's been going on without boring my 7 friends who read this. It's probably also a good cop out for not really sharing what's going on. Anyway, since I haven't posted recently, I'll share the lines of one of my favorite songs, "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens:

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

i win misery poker
My apps are out...whoopee... Unfortunately this week has not been completely drama-free. Yesterday my old roommate came into town to crash at my place. She arrived at my apt and when we went to repark her car, I noticed my downstairs neighbor's daughter looking at the back bumper of my car, which was parked in a spot in the parking lot. Her mom was at the wheel of the car that was diagonally parked in the middle of the lot. Uh oh. Apparently the mom rear ended my car. Her enormous Dodge Intrepid sedan dislodged the bumper from my car. The worse part? The mom was stinkin' drunk. Her breathe reeked and she could barely even stand up. So I called the police 1. In case I needed to report it for insurance purposes, 2. Because the mom was slurring her words and the daughter had to hold her arm while she walked over to my car. The mom denied that my dislodged bumper was her doing, however the daughter (who was only about 12-13) fully admitted to the police that her mom had put the car into reverse instead of drive and plowed into my car. It was really sad to see the daughter parenting her mom. The police came and arrested her for DUI. They told me that her blood alcohol level was .21 and then made a crack about Jeff Garcia. They also enjoyed making fun of my drivers license picture. If this happened a few years ago, I would not have been too amused. Fortunately, I've been through enough crap where now I just sort of shake my head in disbelief. I tell you, drama finds me. Drama finds me. I'm so tired. At least I haven't taken up a habit like Jessie Spano and her stint with no-doze.

primal scream
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

It's the home stretch. I've got applications to finish before I leave town on Thursday, plus more work to make up for being gone. I'm still in the midst of processing everything that went on at the retreat, so I guess the scream was both to energize me as I head toward the finish line and release some pent up energy from this past weekend. I have to put it on my blog instead of doing it in person because it's really late and my roommate is asleep. I should have screamed earlier. I think looking at all of the A's, R's and G's, helps me feel like I got some of it out. I think I need some rest.

"from discord find harmony" - Albert Einstein
I just returned from yet another emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually draining retreat. This time I was serving as the staff supporting the Americorps members. There were more tears, more anger, more hurt and more DRAMA. I am spent. I went to M4 and I couldn't even watch the movie. I just sat with the ladies who didn't want to watch Jaws and entertained them with my unedited comments about my dysfunctional retreat and stories about my middle school years while we ate fast food.

The above quote sums up my hopes for the good that will come out of the intense conflict this weekend. I was also reminded of the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."- Reinhold Neibuhr. Amen, brother, amen.

wake-up call
Our all-staff retreat in LA last week was a time for all of the sites nation-wide to get together and talk about where our organization is going and learn more about the work we do. On Wednesday night all 60+ of us headed over to a soul food restaurant in LA. Before dinner, we shopped around the neighborhood and visited a small African American art museum. The owner gave us a tour and led us into a back room filled with racist memorabilia from the pre-civil rights era. While he was explaining why he decided to form a collection, a member of our group asked him what he would like to tell youth (the man was in his late 60s). The owner explained that he would like to tell young people to know who their parents are and their heritage. In an attempt to illustrate his point, he looks around the room and points at me. He asks me where I'm from - San Jose. No, no, where are your parents from? He asks. Oh no. So I tell him China and Hong Kong. He then decided to use me and the other two Asian Americans in the room to illustrate his point about knowing the language of your parents and where they come from (I wanted to say, actually, my parents are from LA, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise). He also asked me if I knew martial arts. I began to say that it was a misconception... but then he interrupted and continued his diatribe, moving on to grilling the other two APIs (also from San Jose).

After an uncomfortable 5-10 minutes of standing next to him, trying to pretend to be attentive, but noticing the temperature rising in my head, I managed to leave his clutches (He kept grabbing me and hugging me) and slink out the door with one of the other API women. As I was walking away, I was having trouble processing what had just happened in the museum. I'm used to getting these types of questions from older folks. I've even had people ask me about martial arts and assume things about my background. I couldn't articulate what was pissing me off about the situation. Then it came to me. There I was, in the middle of a staff of "diverse" leaders who pride themselves on encouraging Americorps members to explore their own diversity issues and power and privilege. And in the middle of these "socially conscious" people, I felt all alone. In that moment, when the man choose to point me out and ask questions that could have been answered by anyone in the room, I felt alien, other, foreign, non-American.

What also made me feel alone was not only the color of my skin, but was the fact that during the rest of the retreat, no one said anything to us (the API women) about this incident. There were about 30 or more national staff in the room (including the CEO) and no one checked in with me or the API women after it happened. No one tried to see if we were alright. No one said anything. So there we were, Asian women who had just been objectified and therefore, oppressed, in that situation and we had no allies. Ironically, the word "Ally" is part of organization's name.

At the end of the retreat, one of the executive directors from the other site approached my roommate and I (she was one of the other API women) and apologized for not advocating or supporting us in that situation. He was a black man and he felt like it was his responsibility to be a voice for us in the situation and regretted not stepping up. When he said this, both my roommate and I broke down. The evening after the situation, we agonized over it -- we were angry at our co-workers who said one thing and then when it came down to it, did not recognize how to support part of their diverse community. For any other work setting, I would not expect my co-workers to be allies. However, working in this setting demands it. So when he asked for forgiveness, we became really emotional. We left during the beginning of the closing circle to compose ourselves. At the end, we stand in a customary circle and share what we learned. While I was crying most of the time, when it came time for me to share, I laid it out. I shared my disappointment, my hurt and my drive to start more dialogue about race, power and privilege. My roommate also shared and after the session ended, some of the other staff came up and expressed their regrets. When the CEO came up and gave some (quite honestly) lame excuses, I took the opportunity to share with him that this was only the beginning and I tried to articulate the need to walk our talk. I don't know if he really got it. I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Last week, I was re-awakened to the fact that living in a mostly API setting has allowed me the luxury of not seeing racism played out as blatantly. I recognized the fact that "yellow" and "brown" people are often not included in the black/white dialogue on race and power. This experience renewed my vision for advocating for communities of color and gave me the confidence to speak out when I need to be an ally for those who cannot speak for themselves. It's still a work-in-progress, but I was blessed to be a part of engaging those who are "socially conscious" in a wake-up call of sorts. At the same time, this incident sort of woke me up too. Yes, I am angry, Asian -- and a woman.