i don't think crying will get me money for school
I'm back from an unexpected trip down to LA. On Wednesday, I received a message confirming my interview for a scholarship/internship program in LA on Saturday. Huh? Apparently they sent me an e-mail congratulating me on getting an interview for a scholarship and sent me all the info, but I didn't get it. Luckily Ooj wanted to drive down anyway, so we booked it down to LA on Friday afternoon/evening. Ooj got to talk sports with my mom (sidenote: I discovered that my Lakers-obssessed mom decided that having ESPN, ESPN2, Fox Sports, and all of the other sports channels wasn't enough for her so she subscribed to the NBA channel. Enough already mom!). Luckily he didn't see the alleged "Zoolander" photo of me as a baby. I'd never hear the end of it. We played a good game of 20 questions on our way home. Some of the answers included Samir from Office Space, Gareth from The Office, Carol Baik aka new baby and A.J. -- aka stank juice from pho place.

The scholarship interview itself was probably one of the weirdest experiences of this type that I've encountered. One minute, one of the interviewers is asking me questions and the next minute, I'm crying uncontrollably. It wasn't because he was being mean or giving me hard questions. I think it's a combination of me being confused about what he was trying to ask me and a combination of getting worked up talking passionately about the issues I care about. I did a fair amount of banging on the table and using the word "pissed" (only after the interview said it, though). I've been reflecting on it since Saturday afternoon and am still baffled as to why it took such an unexpected turn. Why am I such a freak?? I guess if I get the scholarship I'll know exactly why I got it... and if I don't get it, I'll know EXACTLY why I didn't.

Next weekend: Chicago! Can't wait to see my buddies.

yes, 4 years
It's 11:56 pm so I better finish this post before the date logs me on June 4. Today marks the 4-year anniversary of me and minsoo, partners in crime. Lately I've been getting a lot of "When are you getting married?" questions. Instead of the common, "I don't know, sometime soon" response, I've thought of a few potential (and more creative) responses:

A. None of your beeswax.
A. Give minsoo thousands of dollars and we'll get married whenever you want us to.
A. Hey, look over there, isn't that the guy from Alf?
A. Oh, I'm not really dating him. He just follows me around.
A. When everyone stops asking us when we're getting married.

So you can ask us when we're getting married, you just might get one of these responses. ;)

just work stuff
Just finished another 13 hour day. I don't mean to complain, but dude, I work a part time non-profit job, not a full-time high paying job! Tomorrow I'm going back for another one. We're in recruitment season so we're doing group interviews to pick out the people we think might be a good fit for our leadership development program. One part of our group exercises involved the "Next activity" aka the "Silent activity." We tell them that we're going to begin the "next activity" and then we leave and they have to figure out how to use that 10 minutes. Some people have gotten angry that we just left them with no direction and others didn't notice we were missing and kept chatting to their friends. It gives us an opportunity to see what people do when they aren't given direction. It's sort of messed up, to be honest.

"Baby, your ship has come in...Baby, adventures will begin..." - Jem
Two new things i'm hooked on:
1. Carol, our pastor's new baby. I held her. It was scary but she's a cutie for a little newborn. She smells like baby - yum! I couldn't take my eyes off of her.
2. Listened to the Jem CD that minsoo has been raving about. She's like Dido, only happier.

sitcoms on dvd
Since I don't have very many channels, I've been watching more TV series DVDs. Tonight I spent a solitary evening watching a marathon of Sex and The City. I was very resistant to watching this show, despite rave reviews from friends. It seemed too racy for my liking. However, my old roommate got me hooked, so I've watched almost all of the 5 1/2 seasons that have been released on DVD. It's definitely a "watch with your pals" sort of show, but unfortunately my circle of females is pathetically small in the bay area. I can't wait to have some good girl time in a few weeks at Shirley and Eric's wedding. Anyway, I think the show poses a lot of good questions about relationships and the way women look at themselves. It's refreshingly honest in many ways.

On another note, just watched season two of The Office, a British TV comedy. Funny stuff. All I have to say about this show is: You're simply the Best.

different audiences, i guess
me: Hey, guess what? I was mentioned on my cousin's blog!
minsoo: Cool, I was in the Chicago Tribune.
me: Coo, coo.

the game and tv problem solved
The game: Last night I went to a bar in Palo Alto with some friends and witnessed the "game". You know what I'm talking about: The girls and guys meeting each other, manuevering their way toward conversation with the "cute" ones, manuevering their way around the sketchy ones. I was with two experienced commentators who gave me the play-by-play as I watched it all going down. One of the highlights was when the guy from Stir tv showed up and the girls flocked to greet him. Play on, playa.

TV update: Saturday was a dark day as I almost considered calling comcast to get my tv up and running againg. Today was the season finale of Alias so I knew that something had to be done by 9pm. After church, I came home with a raging headache and laid down. However, I was so stressed out about potentially missing the season finale that I stumbled out of the house and headed to target to find a solution for the crisis. A half an hour and $12.99 later, my ghetto antenna was up and running. Crisis averted. I only get like 6 channels (ABC, NBC, KTSF, UPN, WB, KQED), but it's okay because Comcast can still bite me. Phew, my principles are still intact.

IM conversation with our favorite drew shady (high school kid at church who is obsessed with buffy and angel) about Alias...
shady: Jeffrey Bell and Drew Goddard (Who were so good at writing "Angel") is writing for Alias next season... and it's going to be good! :-P
me: oh no
shady: Haha
me: so cheesy
shady: So cheesy? Nah. It's going to be GOOOOD!
me: i don't know about that. they write about weird stuff
shady: Hahahahaha. Angel isn't weird. :-/
me: it's about a vampire
me: that's weird
shady: Haha.

work and no tv
Worked a 16 hour day at my part time job yesterday. Came home with a big fat headache at 1am. I didn't know that part time work is actually just full time work with part time pay. I get it now.

My cable is still out (gasp - Alias season finale on Sunday night!). This means that the only show on tv is gray fuzzy lines. I hate that show.

another story from the ghetto
No more than 10 minutes ago, I was driving into my apartment complex from a grocery shopping excursion when I hear a man shouting obsenities and racial slurs... at me. He was lounging in one of the empty car ports, shirtless, and screaming at me (and probably any other cars that passed by). The N-word, the F-word, etc. flying at me. So I park near my unit and book it inside. Luckily the apartment management was already on its way to talk to the gentleman. It's 12:40 in the afternoon and some strange man is sitting in my complex harrassing residents.

Oh yeah, and the cable went out in our unit so there's no tv. I don't get cable tv, but even the regular channels are all fuzz. I should have picked up a 40 when I was at the store. I could find a nice empty carport and kick back to watch the action outside. Then at least I'd fit in with the neighbors.

shut up...
One of the funniest stories I heard from college was the time that one of the younger small group leaders in our fellowship became frustrate with the area coordinators (the person who takes care of the a group of small group leaders, this one was particularly annoying) and said "Shut up Mo-Fo" during one of their meetings. Now, I don't think it was particularly appropriate or nice, but in knowing the two parties involved, it sort of makes perfect sense.

Anyway, maybe I'm tired or maybe just having a low tolerance day, but I've been thinking about this phrase all day. When my co-worker asked me to stay late on Thurs and Fri nights, I was thinking "Shut Up Mo-Fo"... When I read an e-mail from our CEO telling us that our salaries are going to be reduced 10% starting June 1st, I was thinking "Shut Up Mo-Fo"... When someone apologized for something they didn't need to be apologizing for (in essence just kissing my ass and thus annoying me), I wanted to say "Stop saying sorry...shut up Mo-Fo"

Just like growling seems appropriate for some occassions, "Shut Up Mo-Fo" has its uses too, I guess.

bringin me back
Songs always make me nostalgic. Today I was brought back to my high school days when I heard the Cranberries on the radio. Tonight, I was checking out some new music on the grassroots music and found Havalina, a band that I rocked out to in my high school Christian ska band days. This band is crazy. They're not a ska band, but I can't even begin to explain their eclectic sound. The first album is really random, the second one sounds like a spy album (that's how we described it in high school), and the third one was made in Russia so it sounds, well, Russian... apparently there's also a Latin-inspired one. They played with the Supertones and other Christian bands that I loved back in the days. Wow. So, after seeing their stuff on the web, I pulled out my old CDs (Their debut album was probably one of the first 20 CDs I ever bought) and started listening to it. It's some weird stuff, but I love it. Wow, the memories.

while i'm on the topic...
Sometimes friends have happy birthdays. And other times, friends have roll-up-your-sleeves birthdays.

Happy roll-up-your-sleeves birthday beans.

don't call me a kimchee hater
...but my apartment REEKS right now. Like smells-like-trash-makes-me-want-to-puke reeks. I like Kimchee, but dude, you gotta admit that old kimchee makes any space stink like garbage. There was some kimchee ramen soup (mmm, very healthy) remnants left in the sink and the stove when I arrived home tonight and now everything in my apartment stinks. I've managed to subdue the smell in the living room, but my bedroom still stinks. Note to self: close bedroom door when exiting apartment in case garbage aka cooking smell penetrates my pillowcase. Come on glade plug in, do your thing! Ugh, I gotta end this post and leave my room. Stinky, stinky.

happy birthday...
minsoo and ooj.

grrrr
Caleb, our pastor's 6-year-old son, likes to growl when someone offends him or makes him mad. While most of his aggresive tendencies are not very nice and make me want to growl at him, I like the fact that he can openly express his feelings, right then and there. Sometimes things make me mad and I just want to growl too. GRRRRRR!!!

ill
I feel like throwing up. I just finished watching Supersize Me!, A documentary about a guy who eats McD's food 3 meals a day for 30 days. He gains like 24-25 lbs, gets high cholesterol, damages his liver and generally messes up his body. It's crazy. After watching him scarf down Big Macs, Filet O'Fishes, Chicken McNuggets, Sundaes, Cokes, etc. I started feeling quesy. Toward the end, I pounded my chest because I was getting sympathy heart palpitations. I even felt like I was getting bloated and fat as he gained weight. The filmmaker certainly made me feel the pain of OD-ing on fast food. I rushed home and drank a lot of water.

it's over
Okay, now I'm ready to talk about Friends. But do I even need to? Every TV show, website and newspaper is waxing nostalgic about the ending of this show. I agree it's sad that the show is ending and I will miss rushing home from prayer meeting every Thursday to watch those cute characters, but it's had it's time on the air. Make no mistake, I am a huge fan. But I know when to stop. Besides, I have seasons 1-5 on DVD and I know that most of the episodes will air on syndication. In fact, I just spent the afternoon watching the last episode (I miss the first half) again, watching some of season 3 on DVD and Oprah's interview with the cast. I think they need to stop doing interviews about how sad they are about the show ending. I will miss you, Friends, but now maybe NBC will create a new cool sitcom that actually has people who are young, hip and NOT white. A girl can dream, right?

In case you're wondering, my favorite episode is The One with the Embryos: The episode where Monica and Rachel play a trivia game against Chandler and Joey and lose their apartment. (Ms. Chanandler Bong... hee hee.)

ode to scrubs
The funniest show on tv is Scrubs, hands down. At least one time during each episode, I find myself laughing out loud. My favorite episode is when Turk and J.D. became poster children for the hospital's doctor diversity campaign. It's time to get your E.K.G., G. I especially liked the flash back of how Turk was on the cover of his yearbook twice because he's black.

My favorite part about Scrubs is that no matter how lousy a day I'm having or what mood I'm in, when I sit down and watch this show, I can still laugh my head off. This is my plug. If you don't laugh, I will have to reconsider our friendship.

flying cotton swaps and things of this nature
This weekend I was duct taped up and attacked by flying Q-tips. No joke. It was part of a game for the leaders' retreat. Each team picked a person to be taped up, sticky side up. We were taped up and left with one arm and a badminton racket to protect us from the opposing team, who were armed with plastic drinking straws and Q-tips as ammo. While my team spared the other team's representative from a complete tape-up, every inch of my body from my armpits to my ankles was fully taped by the other team... and taped tightly. The other team had a great Q-tip shooting strategy, but I think my small frame (less surface area) and my elementary tennis skills prevented my opponents from winning. Despite losing some oxygen and the risky un-taping procedure that followed the game, it was very entertaining.

Two entertaining TV moments this weekend: Beverly Hills 90210 -- the pregnancy episode. We had to explain to the youngest leader at the retreat what the show was about because he was too young when it first aired (I felt old). Friday's Giants vs. Marlins game. Whoa, second inning.

college days
I feel like I'm in college again. It's probably because I have a scholarship app due tomorrow and I don't know if I am going to get it in on time, plus I have to pack for my retreat this weekend. Unlike my NU days, I refuse to pull an all-nighter. Tomorrow is going to be hectic though. I have an intense day of work followed by a church leadership retreat -- in addition to finishing my app and sending it in. ACK! It makes me question my grad school decision.

I also feel like I'm in college again because I've been keeping in touch with my college friends more. They remind me of good times, simpler times (which I often made more difficult with unnecessary drama). We're growing up!! I can't wait to see them at S&E's wedding... and P&M's wedding... ugh. I'm so po'...

I am also super tired. I'm not sure where all of my energy went. It probably went to worrying about needless things. I just realized today that I have less than 4 months left in the bay area. Crazy. I also realized that I really want to be intentional about spending those 4 months well. I'm not sure what that looks like, but it's gotta be better livin' than what I'm doing now.

why i love hannah yu
"So that's my little rant about that. You may not like my opinion, but at least I have one." This is only part of her blog entry, but sums up for me why I think this girl kicks ass.

i don't think you're ready for this jelly
It's really hot in my room. When it gets hot, I can't go to sleep. And when I can't sleep, I stay up and think. And when I think, I think A LOT. So right now I'm thinking about how I've slowly developed the reputation of "telling it like it is", even though most of the time, I keep it all in and never end up telling anyone anything. I actually like this trait in other people (as long as they're nice about it) and I often try to be forthright in general, so hopefully I am doing an okay job of it. However, sometimes it backfires and people would rather not talk to me or are intimidated by me. Intimidated by ME? Sometimes I jokingly threaten to kick people's asses, but I'm just joking, really I am... And you know that my 5'0 frame would not stand a chance against 99.9% of the humans (and animals, although I don't really hang out with them...) that I hang out with. So does this mean that I can talk a good game? Or does this mean that I'm not a very nice person. Maybe a little bit of both. Is this a good trait to have or does it mean that I'm not compassionate enough? Should I be more understanding and less judgemental -- oh yes, definitely. Am I trying? Every day.

So I guess if you would like some honest truth from a friend that loves ya, give me a ring. I'm also good at telling you how much better you are than significant other/job/friends/loved ones/hair-cut/fill-in-the-blank. I'm also trying to get better at "oh no he did NOT say that" neck turns combined with the ever-so-popular index finger waving.

names
Once again, ripping off my friends' blogs... I took the name test and here's what I got for Wai-Ling: "Take advantage of all opportunities. You must develop your creativity and talents. You are determined to prove yourself to others. You have a need to be up front. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job."

What sucks about this is that it's almost identical to my friend's description... and his name is Benjamin. (Yes and I agree, stroked?? Weird.) My other names included much of the same "insight" as Ben's description.

It's lame that I'm drawn to these quizzes. I remember during freshman year in college there was this online quiz called "CUPID" that matched NU students to each other based on questions we answered. I remember minsoo making me fill out that quiz. I don't think he was even on my CUPID list of potential matches. Funny how things work out, huh?

real age
I went to the realage.com site (courtesy of Nakji) to take a test that calculates your "real age" based on your health and work. It reported that I am actually 25.9, only 0.3 years older than I really am. Phew! And all this time, I thought that my real age would be something closer to 70 or 80.

Speaking of old people, I saw The Way Home today. I cried a lot. It was heartwarming and made me miss my grandparents. For anyone who has a special relationship with their grandparents or likes old people in general (I like old people), you will enjoy this movie.

food cravings
Last night, I read in two people's blogs about the cnn news article on food cravings so I had to check it out. I found one of the quotes really interesting: '"A cotton swab impregnated with the food was placed in their tongues so they could taste it," the researchers wrote.'

Impregnated?! Ew. Why didn't they just give the research participants bites of the real food? Did they create some kind of bacon-egg-cheese-sandwich liquid concoction (which was one of the favorite foods listed - weird!) and dip the Q-tip in it? Maybe they just used this word to make it seem more scientific.

Speaking of food cravings, last night was a pretty boring evening. I made minsoo accompany me on a mission to find my favorite lactose product at the store. We found it, did a little dance in the ice cream aisle, then scurried home to devour it. I think I've eaten almost 3 quarts of the green tea goodness in the past few weeks. I know, it's sick.

sad news
My home church is like a family... no really, I mean, it's like my biological family. Most of the people are related to me by blood (not just Jesus'). If they're not related to me, then I call them "Auntie" or "Uncle". Our church is very tight knit. Anyway, the elderly father of one of our family friends (the family just recently left our church) died today. I consider them like our extended family and they attend many of our holiday family get-togethers. Anyway, the elderly father's death was quite a shock since they just found out he had cancer in his lungs last week. The doctors said he had 2-3 months left but tonight he passed away. He wasn't a Christian, but Sunday a pastor came by the hospital and the father accepted Christ.

I think this is significant because this family recently left our church to find another one with a bigger kids ministry. Unfortunately, they hadn't been going to church recently at all, mostly using the excuse of "no kids ministry" to leave our small church and the responsibilities they took on as part of the leadership. The husband (whose father passed away) grew up in our church and had been encouraging his older parents to come to church, but when they left, the parents had no incentive to come. So when his father was diagnosed as terminal, I think the salvation question was a huge burden for him. His mom is very anti-Christian and only went to church as part of a deal (long and complicated, won't go into it) and was against having a pastor come to the father's death bed and do a salvation schpeal. I think this tragedy is part of a process of encouraging them reconsider pursuing a more intentional Christian community and recognizing the gifts of the community/family they left. I know that they definitely did not treat my mother very well and ironically she's the very person whom they called right away and who has spent the past 2 weeks counseling them, praying with them and even notifying family friends tonight.

Why am I sharing this all? I don't know. I'm sad for my church family. Sad for their loss and for the suddenness of it all. It reminds me to focus on the eternal and not the temporal troubles and conflicts I'm so good at pondering.

weekend diversions
This weekend was filled with much needed diversions. The first was a Giants game on Friday night. We lost. Barry hit 662. It was cold. I was almost clobbered by a crowd during a little Dodgers-Giants fan scuffle. I was walking toward the bathrooms when I saw a Dodgers fan fall (in slow motion -- probably drunk) and beer flying and people pushing me backward as they backed up to avoid the scuffle. I ran back to my group and made minsoo walk with me to the restroom. That's what we get for getting the cheap seats... or cheap standing area spots. I was also on the jumbotron (sp?) wearing my jeero hat. I think the cameras came to our section because I was next to these kids with their faces painted.

Hillary, one of my bestest friends from NU, came to visit on Saturday. I love the fact that we can sit down and talk about the really important stuff in our lives right away. She is one amazing woman and I'm blessed to call her a sister in Christ. It's amazing to me that when we first me, she wasn't a Christian. Now, I consider her one of my most trusted Christian sisters. Her visit brought me a lot of joy.

Sunday.... I really appreciate Pastor Frank's sermons and having a pastor in general. After church there was a little bit of drama as a woman in the Korean congregation fainted. I hope she's okay. We missed our usual coffee outing to wait for the ambulance to arrive. A group of us headed over to the east bay for a birthday. I was so tired and not feeling that social. However, probably not more than an hour after I arrived, Hillary showed up with her friend. She stayed at my place for the night, went to church in Menlo Park and was going to meet up with her friend who is from the east bay. Apparently, her friend was also a high school friend of the birthday guy. Small world. It was a fun surprise and nice to extend my visit with her. I didn't get to talk to her as much because I got sucked into a poker game with messy d, superchoong, beans and sue. It was really fun, but now I know who to watch out for next time I play. Thank goodness I wasn't using real money.

This weekend was really... well, nice. It was nice to be busy, to not think about my financial woes and to just to be in community. It was exactly what I needed. :)

comforted by green tea ice cream
As I was helping Leslie with her taxes (a weeks-long process of encouraging her to find independence through the 1040), I noticed a fat mistake in my own 1040 (the form I proudly completed in January!). At 1pm I headed over to the H&R Block where the tax guy informed me that I had done most of it right and that there was no way I could avoid giving my first born child to the IRS. After a minor breakdown which included a call to my mom and some hyperventilating, I headed home (the tax guy didn't charge me because I had done most of the work and I think he saw the desperation in my face) to fix my forms. I had to max out my credit card to cover what I owe. The real world kicks my butt again.

After prayer meeting I was more at peace but still annoyed at some other issues going on, so minsoo and I headed over to Albertson's to find some green tea ice cream, which makes everything (except my digestive system) better. When I found the tubs in the freezer, minsoo did a crazy dance, shouting and making a scene. It made me laugh and for a moment, made me forget all of the things that were (and still are) bothering me.

breathe. breathe. breathe.

Can't forget the update: I'm going to UCLA next year. How I'm going to pay for it, I don't know. One step at a time.

close call with the po-po
I was talking to my mom on my cell phone while driving to minsoo's house tonight when I noticed someone tailing me. I started complaining to my mom about the dumb car on my tail as I turned left onto minsoo's street. Then I noticed the flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Oh no. I pulled over, hung up the phone, gripped the steering wheel and put on my best "oh, no officer, what's wrong?" look. When the Sheriff came up to the car he said I was doing 50 in a 35mph zone. [Inner dialogue: Uh hello, I do 50 mph ALL the time on that stretch of road, everyone does, dude.] I just looked up and sort of whimpered "really??". He asked me for my license and registration. I slowly reached over and very carefully took out my info (as if I was totally new to this process). He asked me if I still lived in So Cal and if I was going to school up here. I told him I wasn't a student but was returning to school in LA. (Thank goodness for grad school.) I actually think I used my high pitch "I'm a little girl voice" when I answered him. My unaware and innocent young student act worked -- He let me off the hook with a warning. Phew, that was a close call. I managed to escape with my clean driving record intact. I wonder what he would have done if I had been wearing my hat with the little ears.

my cousin
Recently I've been chatting with my cousin from Hawaii on IM a lot. He's probably 7-10 years older than me, but we're finally entering that stage when we're both old enough to carry on an adult conversation (I know, it's taken us that long!) Anyway, it's been cool to reconnect and ask for older-guy-cousin advice.

On his blog (he doesn't know about mine), he wrote up a review for the passion that makes me sad. In it, he mentioned that he left the church years ago and no longer claims to be Christian, which I didn't know. He also said that while he used to become emotional when thinking about Christ's death and sacrifice, watching movie didn't touch him at all. Now, I don't think that Christians have to cry when seeing that movie (it's just a movie, for goodness sake), but reading his statement about not being a Christian was really hard. I knew that he left the church for awhile and that he just recently started going again, but I never knew the status of his faith. Reading those statements really hit me hard, for many reasons. I love my cousin a lot and so I guess it's a reminder about praying for my family continually, wherever they are.

He lives
Happy Easter. Lately, my life have been so grad-school focused, I feel like I haven't been really thinking big-picture. Jesus's resurrection is what makes my faith real, yet I spend most of my day focused on the little stuff.

Here's a quote on my calendar from Charles Dickens. I don't think he's talking about Jesus and the day of the resurrection, but I thought it was appropriate in celebration of today:

"...That was a memorable day for me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same way with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns and flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day." -- Charles Dickens.

more on the grad school visits
Wednesday morning: After battling the 405 rush hour commute, I arrived at UCLA and sped toward the parking structure near the public policy building. I pulled up expecting to purchase a parking pass (because that's what I did when I visited in the fall), but didn't stop at the visitor's kiosk where they sell the parking passes during school hours. The cars lined up behind me at 9am were not thrilled when I made them back up so I could find the visitor's kiosk and buy the stupid pass. After I purchased the pass, I returned to the parking structure entrance and discovered that the pass they gave me did not work. UGH! I had to get out of my car and ask the girl behind me to back-up. (Experienced another set of students' dirty looks.) The parking attendants forgot to give me the actual parking pass that you stick into the machine. Grrr. So I parked quickly and ran through the parking structure to the public policy building. I got really lost inside the structure and so I ended up wandering around for awhile until I literally saw light. I'm sure you know that I'm normally really punctual and I'm usually on top of things, but I arrived at the welcome day out of breathe and totally late.

Wednesday afternoon: Before the financial aid session began, the graduate advisor had some of us early birds introduce ourselves and share what undergrad schools we came from. I was one of two people who came from non-U.C. private schools. The grad advisor pointed this out. Then she asked if any of us were considering other schools. I mentioned USC and the other private-school girl nodded in agreement. Then, she started grilling me and the other girl about USC, with the tone of "Why are you considering USC when you're interested in UCLA??? Don't you know what they're about compared to our program?" I felt like she was putting me and the other girl on the spot so I blurted out "Um, to be honest, USC offered me money and they're helping me pay for my trip down here so I thought I'd check it out... just being honest." As if I was guilty of cheating on UCLA. She sort of hrumphed and went on. The private-school girl is my new friend.

Friday afternoon: Alumni panelist said that if he could do anything differently from what he did when he attended USC's UP program, he would have studied less. When he said this, Private-school girl and I looked at each other and said "Whaaa??" Another panelist said she was 22. I felt kinda old.

Lunch comparison: UCLA -- self-serve cold rubbery pizza on paper plates, warm soda. USC -- Ceasar Salad, Salmon, Cheesecake served by their wait staff on china with multiple pieces of fancy silverware on all three sides of my plate (good coffee!).

Student comparison: Every student I met that I enjoyed speaking with at USC was also considering UCLA. Most of the students I really liked at UCLA were considering UCLA or other non-Urban planning programs at other schools. Some of the prospective USC students brought their parents. One of the UCLA prospective students brought his daughter.

A piece of advice from a USC alumni: You will learn more from the people around you (your cohort) than any class you take. Ironically, I think this made me favor UCLA a lot more.

Number of times I heard the phrase "Trojan network" on Friday: gazillion.

A joke I heard from a UCLA grad student: Trojans are only good for one time, but a Bruin lasts forever. Hm.

Where would you go if you were in my shoes?

Dial...up...is...so...slow
I'm at home. My school visits are over - Yay! I am completely exhausted and depleted from putting on my extroverted, assertive persona. I enjoyed meeting some really amazing and inspiring future grad students and even ran into an NU Alum and a friend of a friend. I am pretty sure that I've made my grad school choice. While UCLA had the passion, the idealism and people dedicated to social justice, USC put on a really amazing dog and pony show. From the fancy food and multiple silverware options, to the comfy lecture hall chairs, I kept trying to repeat Drew Shady's mantra ("I remain focus!") in my head. Anyway, I'm still deliberating, but I'm pretty close to making a decision. You'll find out on April 15.

On another note, apparently I have a twin somewhere out there. One of the potential MPL/MPA grad students approached me and asked if we had met. He was from North Carolina. I've never been there. Maybe it's because there aren't a lot of Asian people. Tonight, I was out with some high school friends and their church friends and a little high school girl said that I looked like a girl she went to school with -- a senior, who apparently is also Filipino.

I thought I'd give you an update on my trip. There were other interesting anecdotes that I will share later. I think those 3 cups of coffee are finally wearing off.

monday tv
Baseball season is upon us. I watched part of the Giants game today and listened to the rest on the radio. I can't wait to hit up pac bell, uh, I mean, SBC park. Whatever.

On another tv note... Average Joe. COME ON! Dude, you got screwed over last time because Melana wanted hot boy. Now you're doing the same thing and choosing hot (but not really hot, just high maintenance) girl. Ew. It just proves my point that people never listen to friends and family when dating. Never. Lunkhead, why you gotta be like that?

I'm off to LA to visit grad schools. I'm so tired.

boxcar
Today I saw a really powerful one-act play put on by a Chicano theater company on immigration called Boxcar. The play was centered around a group of men trying to cross the border by hiding in a train. It was based on a news story in 1987 about 18 immigrants who suffocated - only one survived - in a boxcar while trying to cross over. The play was really simple, yet powerful. It brought up so many thoughts in my head -- about how we continue to forget our own immigration history, how our "forefathers" escaped oppression and then oppressed and murdered indigenous people, how we perpetuate a culture of fear toward immigration and foreigners and how... well, there were a lot of things going on in my head. It makes me wonder how I can be obedient to him in the midst of seeing injustice in the world.

On another related note, my trip to LA was really good. I'm not sure what the other ladies thought, but it was surprisingly convicting. God is so much more faithful than I am to Him. I guess that's why he's God, right? I'll share more later.

lame post
I'm at a loss for words. I think it's because of everything that I experienced this weekend, plus some other stuff. But since almost every blog I've looked at today updated their blog in the past 24 hours, I felt I should too. So, I've decided to take the easy way out and not talk about the stuff going on in my head and instead, take my favorite lines from the blogs I read. When I get my bearings, I'll check back in with you. In the meantime, check this out:

"Now I suppose that someday, some guy may, I repeat, MAY convince me that he has something to offer. But it's gotta be good dang it. And it has to be someone who can contend with a lawyer with PMS. :)
Yeah. Thought so." -- Tricialae. You go girl. You make me proud.

"War And Peace: AKA the worlds longest book. In fact, possibly longer than the Bible. " -- Unha. I'm stickin' with the Bible.

"hot asian girl, we should meet up sometime. and you better be hot, or i'll be pissed. i hate liars." BonesMd. Oh Bones.

"Ah New Kids. You'll always be a part of me." -- Hannah. Me too, Hannah, me too.

I miss my NU peeps. *sigh*

new hat
minsoo bought me this funny hat. it has ears and a face. when i put it on and look at myself in the mirror, i laugh--at myself. it's my new favorite accessory.

my best friend from high school used to collect barbies and it was scary
The girl that was my best friend in high school is getting married on Saturday. I'm reminiscing about how we first met (in English class), going to junior prom with our boyfriends (who were also best friends), spending late nights in the journalism room putting together our beloved newspaper, beating her admirers off with a stick (I had the stick, she had the admirers). Those were the days. Now we're totally different people, with different aspirations (she's still a journalist), different relationships (she and her fiance have been living in the house they bought together for the past year) and different ways of looking at life. Her impending wedding has not been my greatest source of joy, for many selfish reasons. I'm struggling with trying not to project my issues onto her life, but it's been hard given that she's accomplished many of the goals we dreamed about in high school. I know that my life has been turned around and upside down since college -- and it has been the best thing to happen to me. At the same time, it's hard to shake off the past and feel confident in the path that I'm heading down, without thinking about those around me.

Stupid weddings. They always make me think about dumb stuff.

On another note, my high school best friend did not invite one of our close friends to the wedding, even though she e-mailed him over a year ago telling him to "save the date" and inviting him to her wedding. How lame is that? I don't think it would have been as rude if she just didn't tell him about the engagement, but the fact that she invited him to the wedding a long time ago is really terrible. What is the etiquette for this? Should the bride contact our friend and uninvite him formally? Doesn't she know that I will talk to him and tell him I got an invite? Awkward, awkward, awkward. It makes me not want to go... okay, okay, I shouldn't use this as an excuse not to go... Let the wedding season begin!

hm
Do you ever feel bad about feeling bad about stuff? I'm not sure if it's something that plagues women, but I've noticed that women often preface feelings with "I feel bad about feeling this way, but I feel..." I'm definitely not immune. What does this say about us? Does it say that we're not comfortable with our feelings? Are we socialized to feel certain ways about things? Do we use that phrase when we don't trust our feelings? Are we prefacing our feelings to make sure we don't offend anyone (and possibly watering down the impact)? What kind of crap is this?! I guess it's sort of a war between our hearts (the way we feel about things) and our minds (the way we think we should feel about things).

I guess I bring this up because I was just thinking to myself, "I feel bad about feeling this way..." and then I was like, why do I have to feel bad about feeling bad? Feeling bad already sucks, but feeling guilty about feelings sucks even more.

On a different note...
I'm pooped. Cesar Chavez Day of Service and Learning is over for me! It was quite inspiring and I put a lot of work into it. I wasn't sure people really learned anything from the day, but then at the end of the day after the service part (cleaning a creek, gardening, weeding, painting, trash pick-up), someone started sharing about how he was going to think more about the people who made his food and the choices he's making as a consumer because of what he learned during the workshop I organized in the morning. His statement helped validate the 50+ hours of work I've put in this week.

where the estrogen at?
Yesterday's bible study was sort of depressing for me because the only other woman in attendance was Patty (the pastor's wife) and her 2-year-old daughter Christine (who doesn't count since she spent most of the time eating my pirate's booty snack). Contrary to popular belief, I am not one of those self-titled "guys girls". While I hang out with guys 90% of the time, I don't claim to prefer the male variety more than the female of the species. At the same time, I do recognize that relationships with women are much more complicated and sometimes harder to manage, so I end up reverting back to mindless tv-watching with guys who don't care if you don't say anything. I guess it makes a difference for me during bible study when I don't feel the comraderie and fellowship that comes from sharing during bible study with other women. There I go again, sharing as if this is not a public blog. Oh well.

sidenote: For everyone in the midwest and east coast battling the snowy weather, move out west and enjoy 70-80 degree weather of California with me! I miss you.

commitment and vision
At a recent training, one of the speakers said that sometimes we need a little less commitment and a little more vision. It was a profound statement for me. It struck me because sometimes I am so committed to people, organizations, ideas, etc. that I forget about having a vision for these things. Sometimes vision (where I can see these things in the future) gets pushed aside for being immersed in taking care of immediate situations. I think commitment and vision go hand in hand, but I recognize that I tend to be more commitment-heavy and less vision-ready. Does that make sense?

that icky feeling
Last week's Mercury News training was cool -- it made me consider pursuing the field of journalism again. I felt a little envious of the news-making lifestyle, but I wasn't too broken up about not being a part of the newsroom glory. Today, I received a link from the Executive Director of our Chicago office to a news article she was quoted in. The story was written by a guy I went to j-school with. Everytime I see a byline with a name I recognize from NU, it sends me into a "what-if" spiral. It's gotten better over the years, but it's definitely a weak point for me. The "Keeping up with the Jones" mentality creeps in and invades my "finally comfortable with not following the straight and narrow" space that I worked so hard to maintain. This is when I have to remember that in the long run, this stuff isn't important and that I want to live a life that will earn a "Well done, good and faithful servant!" (Matt. 25:21) when I go up to meet the Big Guy in the Sky.

a song instead of my rambling blogging
Caedmon's Call is one of my favorite bands. "The Emptiest Day" is from their Back Home album. I won't go into an explanation as to why I think this song is blog-worthy. I'll just say that it has some good lines, especially the lines about how they say you can find God in a flower, but needing to find God in the car. Amen, brother.

"The Emptiest Day"
They say You live in hospitals and trenches
And towers in the sky
And I'm not dying or fighting any wars
Except on the inside

The only thing I need is a void that You can fill
And I jump ship and run even further in Your will

And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day

The words I find impossible to mention
Are written on a star
They say that I can find You in a flower
But I need You in the car

The optimism of my youth is dead and gone
But I'll save these speculations for another time and song

And life is only perceived through chemicals and emotion
But love, love is the island that overgrows the ocean

i met mr. roadshow
Today I brought the Allies to the Merc for a training on the goings on at the paper. It was pretty exciting to me. One of the most exciting parts was meeting Gary Richards, the guys who does the Mr. Roadshow column. His column answers questions like "What is it called when police cars drive across 4 lanes of the freeway to slow down traffic when there's a piece of debris on the road?" or "When is the construction along 880 going to be finished?" He's super nice and I totally gushed about how me and my friends find his column so helpful.

On another note, I added another list on the right column. It's not that informative, but I decided to mix it up a bit. I'm not feeling that creative, so if you have any suggestions, e-mail me (although I'm sure that most of you couldn't care less).

can i keep her?
Our new pastor's 2-year-old daughter is really adorable. Normally, I'm not a little kid person (I like the older ones that can talk), but all it takes is a look from this girl (who is half Chinese and half Korean, but looks more Chinese, yeah!) and I'm completely hers. Today, I pretended that when I took off my glasses, I couldn't see anything, but when I put them on again, I could see everything and then some. My highly exaggerated schtick worked. The girl laughed and demanded I do it again. I must have done it at least 20 times. After awhile, other people started to notice and started laughing at me... not with me -- at me. So when Christine kept demanding I do it again, I wanted to say no to save my pride (I'm sure it looked ridiculous), but her big brown eyes stared up at me and I couldn't say no. Christine is going to have to fight the boys off with a stick. Watch out, Pastor Frank.

teamwork at it's lowest
There were a lot of good things about today (the weather, a few good conversations, Shaolin Soccer), but I'd rather share about the meeting I had to referee today. The Allies (the people I "train" as part of my job) organize themselves in groups and plan one training for the rest of the group. This is supposedly the chance for them to experience "true" teamwork and also gives me one week during the spring when I don't have to plan a training. The February group, in the course of their planning process, decided to kick out one of their members. I was given the oh-so-fun job of "debriefing" (aka giving them a time to air their differences and talk about what they learned from their experience) the team after their training took place. At one point during the meeting, they started arguing - a lot. I let it happen, but then I couldn't take it anymore and I just yelled "STOP IT. STOP IT!..." It reminded me of when I worked with middle school kids. When the kids got in fights, they spent most of the time pointing fingers and acting like victims. Because I'm so good at handling conflict (note the heavy sarcasm) and because I'm battling a cold, I couldn't handle it. I think they were sort of shocked because I'm usually more articulate and I never shout at them.

At the end, (by this time, I shouted at them a few times and I almost wanted to send two of them to the corners) I gave them all a pep talk about taking this experiences and learning from it, instead of holding onto the bad things that happened and one of the guys said "Thanks Mom." It was nice to hear because at that point, I was all shaky and about to cry. Maybe it was the 'tussin.

vicious cycle
Cursed Ice Cream. The frosty pints tempt me at the store, so I buy it, gallon after gallon. But after I devour it, the effects of the lactose send me into a spiral of gaseous regret. I am weak and forgetful, so the cycle repeats itself, day after day, night after night. Oh green tea goodness, will you stop tempting me so?

Sorry, nothing else to report other than my run-in with lactose.

fabio???
Unfortunately, I watched the AJ finale. That's all I'm going to say about it.

On another note, I called in sick (but still had a conference call and a meeting downtown anyway) to rest up. I've been feeling like I'm on the brink of sickness. I'm fighting it with lots of sleep and Emergen-C packets. January is finally catching up with me. Gotta stay well, gotta stay well...

yup, i saw the movie too
The Passion of the Christ was intense and brutal, though not as crazy as I thought it would be. The first scene where Jesus is being whipped with different instruments was definitely hard to watch, though. What most moved me was watching Mary, the mother of Jesus. The actress has an amazingly expressive face, which moved me to tears whenever her gaze was on screen.

Watching the movie reminded me that one, I need to read the Bible more, and two, that I want to spend this month leading up to Easter focusing more on Jesus. I usually spend this time wishing for summer, trying to stay healthy and going through the motions. After watching the movie, it reminded me of the need to really meditate on Jesus's sacrifice and the awesome mercy of the resurrection.

the cops, the heat-mobile and painting pastor frank's house
Just another Tuesday evening. Our new pastor is moving into his townhouse and a group of us volunteered to help paint. Halfway through the painting, we went out for dinner. When we returned to the townhouse, beangoo and minsoo had a run in with the law. Apparently, as we pulled up to the house, a neighbor called the police because someone was breaking into a car -- which happened to be our church friend's car (aka the heat-mobile). They already arrested one of the possible car thieves, however they were looking for 2 more guys. Unfortunately, when I dropped b&m off and went to park my car, they happened to be walking in the parking area where the cops were hunting some criminals. I got out of my car in time to see the cops stopping the guys, and the guys kneeling down on the ground... like criminals. When I thought I saw the cop handcuffing beangoo, I walked over to try and explain, but the cops just dismissed me by saying they were just doing their own investigation. It was so strange to see my friends looking like perpetrators, even if it was only for a short time. It made me think about the stories I heard from people at my Americorps program about police brutality and oppression by police. I know they are just doing their job, but I definitely understood how people can feel animosity toward law enforcement.

Eventually, the Heat arrived and told the police that the guys were his friends and they were let go. It left me with sort of a sick feeling in my stomach. It made me think a lot about gender dynamics (If I had been walking down the street, would they have stopped me?), power and privilege and a lot of other things that I'm still thinking about. Both B&M seemed okay after the incident, so I guess it's weird for me to be "processing" it. I think after hearing other people talk about painful experiences with police, I see this incident as part of a larger discussion. Yes, I think a lot about stuff.

careful, spider in there
My roommate had 2 spiders in her room, both near her bed. We managed to kill the little white one, but the big black one was hanging off of her stucco ceiling. I created a swiffer/paper towel/windex spider-death-contraption for her to use, but unfortunately we only managed to capture a leg. The rest of it went free. My roommate had a lot of clothes and junk in her room so we have no idea where the rest of the spider went. I hope it's hobbling around, looking for a good place to die. Most likely it's hiding out, growing back its leg and planning its next attack. I'm going to hide under the covers tonight. *Shiver*.

my check-up
Today was my first "annual" check-up in over 5 years. The doctor spent about 15 minutes with me, told me I needed to exercise more and then sent me down to the lab for blood work. When I arrived in the lower waiting room, I found a mess of senior citizens waiting for their turn with the needle. When it was finally my turn (I almost accidently cut in front of an elderly Indian man -- awkward), I sat down in the not-so-private blood testing station. On the small "walls" separating the counter into blood-testing stations were these weird pictures of animals. In an attempt to distract the blood-giver from the horrors of the needle, they posted photos of cute kittens, birds and dogs up on the walls. When I was waiting for the test, I noticed the photos and kind of chuckled to myself. Are those photos supposed to make it easier? Who's going to fall for that?

(Wai-Ling raises her hand.) Lucky for me, these tacky pictures were there since I started to get really nervous when I sat down. I began to stare intensely at the little kitten photographed in a cage with a bird on top and started to babble to the lab technician, "Ha ha, that's cute..." even though I really didn't think it was that cute. When I felt the cold wet disinfectant wipe on my arm, I decided to come clean with the technician. I nervously laughed and then said, "I'm a little bit nervous about this, he he". She took pity on me so she started to chat with me, which helped to ease the tension. After she took my blood I bolted out of there and once again, almost ran into that same elderly Indian man walking to his car. It was windy so I rushed to my car and opened up my car door... consequently (and unintentionally) preventing him from opening his car door -- awkward moment with elderly Indian man #2.

fafsa
My FAFSA is done. I didn't spend that much time on it. Maybe I should have spent more. Hm. I just wanted to get it over and done with. I lead a busy life... or rather, Alias was on and I wanted to finish it in time. The FAFSA concludes my grad school application process. Woo hoo. I think I'm probably different from many people who apply to grad school. Usually people who go to grad school are a lot more focused than they were in undergrad. After 4 years of being out of school, I think I bring with me a more open attitude. Normally I would be dead set on a certain school and a certain career path. I think that I've learned a lot about being flexible and knowing that no matter how hard I try and plan everything out, it's never the way I imagined it. So I may be headed toward grad school, and I may not be. To say this is a big deal for me. In high school I already had my life mapped out (career-wise, at least) and I was so driven. I'm still driven, but I guess I'm more open to diversions along the way.

Here's a verse from today's sermon that struck me as being really relevant to my consistent struggles:
"This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:5-9

green tea ice cream and the third wheel
My new love is green tea ice cream. Actually, I've liked it for awhile, but Dryer's is finally selling quarts of it at the store. Tonight I picked up 2 for minsoo's monthly movie madness... well, one for the movie night and one for later. I ate most of the quart (minsoo had some) during Roman Holiday and cleaned out the container during the first 10 minutes of Casablanca. Now I'm awake because my stomach is full of milk products. Yay for the green tea flavor... boo for the lactose.

Valentine's Day was low key, as usual. On Thursday, I told SDH to make sure that minsoo bought me flowers. I'm glad the not-so-subtle hints worked. Minsoo also picked me up in the morning to go out to breakfast at stacks. I ate only half of the yummiest and largest fruit-filled crepe I've ever seen. Their hash brown potatoes are also really good, which reminded us that we need to take SDH to eat breakfast there. He LOVES hash browns. I think it's sad that we think of SDH even when we're alone and on a "date". Hey SDH, if we both move down to LA, you have to come with us! We need our third wheel.

a diversion
Just watched Something's Gotta Give. Other than Keanu's annoying lines, it was a sweet story and a good diversion. The scene where Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson are in the kitchen in their pjs making pancakes is really awesome. At one point she says something to the effect of "I don't know if you hate me or are the only one who really gets me." Hm. I like how the other characters totally see the guys falling for DK, instead of how movies usually portray the "falling in love" scene as something that's oblivious to everyone but that one person who's "falling". It's annoying how the "characters in love" have to admit it to their loved ones. Duh. In real life I think that sometimes your friends and family see that spark even before you do... and they notice if it's not there. Ugh, I'm reacting to a romantic comedy -- what's wrong with me?? I wave my fist at Valentine's Day --- evil!!

Now i am back to being me. Tomorrow I will find something to rant about, I promise. Grrr!

ow, my head
Lately I've been at a loss for words when people ask me how I'm doing. It's not because I don't know, it's probably because I'm afraid to share. I think it's because there's so much in my head that I can't articulate clearly where I'm at in my processing. It's pretty scary since my head has literally began to hurt. There's actually pain in my forehead when I'm confronted with tough things. Usually it's combined with crying, so maybe that's where the sinus pressure comes from, but it's a crazy feeling. You know how some people claim that their head hurts from so much thinking? Now I know what that means.

So, what am I thinking about right now? Here's a short list:
- still reeling from having to remove someone from our Americorps program and trying to manage all of the feelings behind that decision
- realizing that Feb and Mar are actually JUST as busy as January (grr!)
- trying to deal with not wanting to take control over situations
- recognizing aspects of my character that i don't like
- being sick and tired of feeling not supported
- wanting to do more, knowing i can only do so much (sounds so cliche, i know)
- realizing that i work full time at a part time job
- wanting/needing balancing in my life but not knowing how
- missing my special friends from northwestern
- wanting more forgiveness and contentment in my life
- wanting my HEAD TO STOP HURTING

Tonight's bible study was a good reminder for me about faith and God's grace and being able to articulate why you believe in something. I need to continue to stop focusing so much on finding answers and more time letting God take care of my life. Yes, I wrote it. Now I need to take it to heart.

Eck, why do I blog about this stuff? To be honest, normally when people I know blog about heavy stuff, I usually skim through it and move on to a more entertaining story. Sorry guys, I'll try to fill you in on my latest escapade when my head stops hurting. Thanks for indulging in this in the meantime.

If You Want Me To
Sometimes things are so complicated and sharing what's been going on just doesn't cut it. This is when I resort to quoting lines from songs and poems. I guess it's my way of expressing everything's that's been going on without boring my 7 friends who read this. It's probably also a good cop out for not really sharing what's going on. Anyway, since I haven't posted recently, I'll share the lines of one of my favorite songs, "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens:

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

i win misery poker
My apps are out...whoopee... Unfortunately this week has not been completely drama-free. Yesterday my old roommate came into town to crash at my place. She arrived at my apt and when we went to repark her car, I noticed my downstairs neighbor's daughter looking at the back bumper of my car, which was parked in a spot in the parking lot. Her mom was at the wheel of the car that was diagonally parked in the middle of the lot. Uh oh. Apparently the mom rear ended my car. Her enormous Dodge Intrepid sedan dislodged the bumper from my car. The worse part? The mom was stinkin' drunk. Her breathe reeked and she could barely even stand up. So I called the police 1. In case I needed to report it for insurance purposes, 2. Because the mom was slurring her words and the daughter had to hold her arm while she walked over to my car. The mom denied that my dislodged bumper was her doing, however the daughter (who was only about 12-13) fully admitted to the police that her mom had put the car into reverse instead of drive and plowed into my car. It was really sad to see the daughter parenting her mom. The police came and arrested her for DUI. They told me that her blood alcohol level was .21 and then made a crack about Jeff Garcia. They also enjoyed making fun of my drivers license picture. If this happened a few years ago, I would not have been too amused. Fortunately, I've been through enough crap where now I just sort of shake my head in disbelief. I tell you, drama finds me. Drama finds me. I'm so tired. At least I haven't taken up a habit like Jessie Spano and her stint with no-doze.

primal scream
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

It's the home stretch. I've got applications to finish before I leave town on Thursday, plus more work to make up for being gone. I'm still in the midst of processing everything that went on at the retreat, so I guess the scream was both to energize me as I head toward the finish line and release some pent up energy from this past weekend. I have to put it on my blog instead of doing it in person because it's really late and my roommate is asleep. I should have screamed earlier. I think looking at all of the A's, R's and G's, helps me feel like I got some of it out. I think I need some rest.

"from discord find harmony" - Albert Einstein
I just returned from yet another emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually draining retreat. This time I was serving as the staff supporting the Americorps members. There were more tears, more anger, more hurt and more DRAMA. I am spent. I went to M4 and I couldn't even watch the movie. I just sat with the ladies who didn't want to watch Jaws and entertained them with my unedited comments about my dysfunctional retreat and stories about my middle school years while we ate fast food.

The above quote sums up my hopes for the good that will come out of the intense conflict this weekend. I was also reminded of the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."- Reinhold Neibuhr. Amen, brother, amen.

wake-up call
Our all-staff retreat in LA last week was a time for all of the sites nation-wide to get together and talk about where our organization is going and learn more about the work we do. On Wednesday night all 60+ of us headed over to a soul food restaurant in LA. Before dinner, we shopped around the neighborhood and visited a small African American art museum. The owner gave us a tour and led us into a back room filled with racist memorabilia from the pre-civil rights era. While he was explaining why he decided to form a collection, a member of our group asked him what he would like to tell youth (the man was in his late 60s). The owner explained that he would like to tell young people to know who their parents are and their heritage. In an attempt to illustrate his point, he looks around the room and points at me. He asks me where I'm from - San Jose. No, no, where are your parents from? He asks. Oh no. So I tell him China and Hong Kong. He then decided to use me and the other two Asian Americans in the room to illustrate his point about knowing the language of your parents and where they come from (I wanted to say, actually, my parents are from LA, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise). He also asked me if I knew martial arts. I began to say that it was a misconception... but then he interrupted and continued his diatribe, moving on to grilling the other two APIs (also from San Jose).

After an uncomfortable 5-10 minutes of standing next to him, trying to pretend to be attentive, but noticing the temperature rising in my head, I managed to leave his clutches (He kept grabbing me and hugging me) and slink out the door with one of the other API women. As I was walking away, I was having trouble processing what had just happened in the museum. I'm used to getting these types of questions from older folks. I've even had people ask me about martial arts and assume things about my background. I couldn't articulate what was pissing me off about the situation. Then it came to me. There I was, in the middle of a staff of "diverse" leaders who pride themselves on encouraging Americorps members to explore their own diversity issues and power and privilege. And in the middle of these "socially conscious" people, I felt all alone. In that moment, when the man choose to point me out and ask questions that could have been answered by anyone in the room, I felt alien, other, foreign, non-American.

What also made me feel alone was not only the color of my skin, but was the fact that during the rest of the retreat, no one said anything to us (the API women) about this incident. There were about 30 or more national staff in the room (including the CEO) and no one checked in with me or the API women after it happened. No one tried to see if we were alright. No one said anything. So there we were, Asian women who had just been objectified and therefore, oppressed, in that situation and we had no allies. Ironically, the word "Ally" is part of organization's name.

At the end of the retreat, one of the executive directors from the other site approached my roommate and I (she was one of the other API women) and apologized for not advocating or supporting us in that situation. He was a black man and he felt like it was his responsibility to be a voice for us in the situation and regretted not stepping up. When he said this, both my roommate and I broke down. The evening after the situation, we agonized over it -- we were angry at our co-workers who said one thing and then when it came down to it, did not recognize how to support part of their diverse community. For any other work setting, I would not expect my co-workers to be allies. However, working in this setting demands it. So when he asked for forgiveness, we became really emotional. We left during the beginning of the closing circle to compose ourselves. At the end, we stand in a customary circle and share what we learned. While I was crying most of the time, when it came time for me to share, I laid it out. I shared my disappointment, my hurt and my drive to start more dialogue about race, power and privilege. My roommate also shared and after the session ended, some of the other staff came up and expressed their regrets. When the CEO came up and gave some (quite honestly) lame excuses, I took the opportunity to share with him that this was only the beginning and I tried to articulate the need to walk our talk. I don't know if he really got it. I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Last week, I was re-awakened to the fact that living in a mostly API setting has allowed me the luxury of not seeing racism played out as blatantly. I recognized the fact that "yellow" and "brown" people are often not included in the black/white dialogue on race and power. This experience renewed my vision for advocating for communities of color and gave me the confidence to speak out when I need to be an ally for those who cannot speak for themselves. It's still a work-in-progress, but I was blessed to be a part of engaging those who are "socially conscious" in a wake-up call of sorts. At the same time, this incident sort of woke me up too. Yes, I am angry, Asian -- and a woman.

can't wait until jan 31
January is a long month. I just returned from an all-staff "retreat" (read: intense conference) in LA for all of the staff nationwide. It was energizing, challenging, exhausting in all aspects of my life: mentally, spiritually, socially, emotionally and physically. I'll write more later. Tomorrow I'm "working" at a youth conference to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. I'm spent.

Here's a quote that relates to what I've learned this week, edited for personal accuracy: "The ultimate measure of a (wo)man is not where (s)he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where (s)he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr.

almost done
Today, armed with my new printer, I opened up my can of whoop ass and attacked my worthy adversary. My personal statement is in its final draft. I will soon be able to do my victory dance. Oh wait, I still have to see if I get into to grad school. Doh.

On another note, this small Chinese salesman (who was probably younger than me and then gave me a wide eyed look when I told him I graduated from college awhile ago) convinced me to buy this printer with photo capabilities that cost double what I was planning on spending. He was trying to show me all of the wonderful capabilities even after I agreed to purchase the model, however it kept giving him an error. Finally he gave up and told me that he broke it. I told him that if mine doesn't work, I'm coming back and hunting him down. He laughed nervously and then told me that he works part time at the Campbell store and part time at the Fremont store in case I wanted to find him. It's too bad I never got his name. Oh well, I know what he looks like.

my freshman year posse
I like the beginning of the year because that's when people make resolutions. Usually it means that I end up hearing from old friends who vow to keep in touch. Right now I'm on an e-mail chain with my old cohorts from freshman year. One of them is engaged, one of them is in China, one of them has a boyfriend with Leukemia, one of them still plays dodgeball... we're all growing up. My RA from our dorm is also on the list. He was like the big-brother-but-really-studly guy that we made a part of our group. He was too big and white and midwestern for me, but my friends swooned when he was around. I'm surprised he actually wants to keep in touch with us. One of our favorite memories was when we celebrated his birthday by taping up a poster of LeAnn Rimes above his bed, covering his floor with little cups of water and creating a duct tape and soda can wall over his door. Ah, those were the days.

throw down
Do you ever feel like you're in a battle with yourself? Right now I'm getting the crap kicked out of me by my personal statement for grad school. I'm in a headlock silently screaming "uncle," while it shouts disparaging remarks about my momma.

2003 rears its ugly head
It's 2004 and I already have a short list of haters. The YMCA is on the top of that list. I had to send a fat check to the YMCA for erroneously paying me for the month of December. They thanked me for my honesty. I let them know I was very frustrated with their incompetence. Grrr. The second on my list is the insurance company from the person who hit me in August. They're calling me instead of my insurance company to get more info. Haters number 2! I'm just waiting for a call from the apartment management company from my asbestos-ceiling-falling-down-on-my-possessions incident. Bring it on.

My pessimistic list for 2004: Things I'm dreading
1. My cousin's wedding. At least she'll be too busy getting married to berate me about not eating all of my soup.
2. So... many... weddings... which brings me to number 3
3. Still being broke
4. Turning 26
5. The possibility of moving... again. Why do I do this to myself?
6. One more year closer to my 10 year high school reunion.

So now I guess I have to write an optimistic list for 2004.
1. Seeing college friends
2. 2003 - aka the year of eternal hell - is over... which leads me to number 3
3. 2004 cannot be as bad as 2003
4. More Alias, Scrubs and Friends on TV
5. 4 years with minsoo! :)

2003 isn't over
This past year took the cake in terms of catastrophy and trials... I was reminded of this on New Year's even when I received two direct deposit notices from my old work... for December. I haven't worked there since September. Apparently they decided to start paying me again. After the last over-paying fiasco, I was very clear in letting them know that I was leaving the organization and to stop paying me. I guess they didn't take the hint.

e-mail from dad
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2004 TO BOTH AND BE SAFE AND WATCHFUL AND ALERT AROUND!!!
MOM & DAD NOW CHINA IS 2004 ALREADY

personal statement
My personal statement for grad school is KILLING me. I've written at least 5 versions, all of which are horrible and awkward. Once I finish this piece, the rest of the application process is a piece of cake. My personal deadline for finishing it is Jan 1, 2004 because my first application is due Jan 15 and I'm going to be busy this month. So I have a little over 24 hours. It's shaping up, but I'm still very uncertain. I hope this doesn't indicate my uncertainty about grad school. I guess I shouldn't question myself so much. When I was at home, my friend really questioned me about going to grad school and I don't think I gave "good enough" answers. It's like a competition where the other competitors try and sike you out before the competition. I think I'm my own worst competitor, though.

home
Home was good. It almost always is. The day after Christmas I spent catching up with friends, spending time at 3 different coffee places with three different sets of friends as well as eating some good dim sum with family friends. It's nice to reconnect with friends and drink lots of chai lattes (yum).

It was nice to also reconnect with my extended family. My scary cousin brought his girlfriend so I was less scared of him and actually had a few good laughs with him. I don't know why my cousin is so scary to me... I guess I always feel like he has this "I can kick your ass" sort of look in his eyes. I was even less afraid of his mom, my aunt. She's one of my "crazy aunts who married into my family" (we have many of these). She was less crazy this Christmas and even went so far as to tell me I looked skinny, even though she normally tells me I'm too fat. Yes, she is crazy.

So now I'm back. Sigh. Life goes on.

merry christmas
"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

May the celebration of Jesus's birth give you peace this week.

no aliens in my room
One of my bedtime preparation rituals is to get a drink of water before I hit the sack. Because of this, there are always at least 2-4 glasses of water, half full, on the dresser next to my bed. I'm like the little girl from Signs. Maybe that's why I haven't been bothered by those pesky aliens.

M-R-S.
The cast from Mona Lisa Smile was on Oprah this afternoon. They were discussing women and the lack of choices women in the 50's had versus now as it's portrayed in the movie. Oprah highlighted a girl and her mother in the audience who both had differing ideas of what the girl should be and do. The girl said that if she had her choice, she would trade her engineering degree so that she could marry and raise a family. Her mom wanted her to pursue a career. She went to/still attends Northwestern. I was like, WHAT?! Kirsten Dunst kept telling her emphatically that she could do both, but the girl was under the impression that since engineering is so competitive, she wouldn't be able to do both. I guess I can see her point. However, I'm kind of troubled by the fact that she's an NU grad because I'm sure her parents spent a ton of money on her education. In some ways, it doesn't surprise me.

During my brief stint as a sorority girl, I remember the ceremonies we would have (almost every week) that announced the engagement or "pinning" (yes, they still do that) of a sister. I'm not aloud to divulge the details of the ceremony, but let's just say that they had to do with singing a really cheesy song (that I never learned the words for) and passing a candle. Anyway, if you saw our silly ceremony and didn't know that we were attending one of the top universities in the nation, you would assume that our main focus for attending school was earning our MRS. degree. I know one of the girls in my class got married (against the wishes of her parents) in her junior year.

Anyway, I'm not going to say that the girl or the mom was right in their viewpoints; you can't blame a girl for having dreams that you don't. I just think it's a waste to go to such an expensive school to find a guy who is probably going to be in debt after college anyway. You minus well go to a state/public school. There are more guys at state schools and they probably won't be in debt. If you like those rich kids, just go stalk the local private college. Don't waste your dough on an overpriced education if you're more interested in leaving college with a ring on your finger than a diploma in your pocket.

Last night we were standing in line to watch Lord of the Rings and I overheard a brief conversation between a couple of people behind us. It went somthing like this:

A woman says: "Yeah, we're nerds..." (Silence) "WHAT?!!!" Her friend behind her says: "Nothing! Hey, I'm the guy standing behind you wearing pointy ears and a cape."

I thought it was pretty amusing.

my new friend
My impromptu trip to Ikea today resulted in the purchase of a lot of random items, including a plant and a pot. I have a brown (versus green) thumb when it comes to nurturing God's creation (I hope this doesn't spill into my potential for child-rearing), but I bought the dang thing anyway. The worst part was that I bought it because I really liked the pretty purple pot. It matches my bedroom decor. How shallow is that? I'm going to try and take care of the little guy as long as I can, but I'm not promising anything. Everyone who hangs out at my apartment is going to have to remind to take care of it.

Maybe I should name it. I don't have any more stuffed animals since they were all taken away by the evil apartment disaster, so I don't have any inanimate objects that I can name. Oh, Herbert, Domokun, Totoro... *sigh* I miss them. I had many good moments with each of them. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a crazy stuffed animal fiend. But they were with me during a lot of tough times. Now I have a nice little plant in a cute little pot.

charlotte sometimes
Back to my normal topic of conversation: media. I just finished watching Charlotte Somtimes. It was out in the theaters after the BLT hoopla, but I never got around to watching it. I even met the director at last year's film festival (which was kinda awkward because I had nothing to say to him). Wow. It's pretty amazing. I didn't think the movie would be that thought-provoking. The characters don't say much, but there's so much going on. It made me think about how emotionally stunted we are sometimes... how we put up walls and stuff. Okay, I'm using we... maybe not we, but... Anyway, I watched the q&a on the DVD and one of the actresses was speaking about being Asian American and dealing with emotional stuff. Anyway, it was a great movie that's keeping me up until 2am thinking.

The only challenge I had with watching the movie was that I couldn't turn off the Spanish subtitles. So I watched the entire movie with the subtitles on. Sometimes, when the actors were speaking really quietly, I'd read the subtitles and try to decipher the dialogue. Unfortunately, I took French in high school.

my stomach and God
Last night I woke up to a lot of stomach pain. It didn't go away when I woke up... and, although it got better when I ate mashed potatoes and a biscuit at church, the pain persisted. It went away (or I ignored it) when I gorged myself at Palace Buffet, but now it's back with a vengeance. What is it trying to tell me? Unlike a magic 8 ball, I can't just shake it and get an answer. I guess I'll just take some tums and see if it tells me something.

On a more thought-provoking note, I thought that this Sunday's sermon really spoke to me on a lot of levels. God wants us to be whole. Being whole is such a deep concept that I never really thought about until recently. It reminds me of Psalm 103, a chapter that I often rely on during my low points:

"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's" -- Psalm 103:2-5

It's weird that I spent the entire week posting about tv shows and only one day writing about God and my faith. I guess it's easier to write about this than about matters of the heart. The paranoid side of me wouldn't want to share because, dude, it's the internet and I don't know what wackos are reading this site. But that might be more reason to write about God's love and grace, right? It's hard to be an ambassador.

still on the couch
Sometimes after watching SNL, I don't feel tired so I stay up and continue watching tv. Unfortunately there's nothing good on tv and I end up watching She Spies until I can't tolerate it (which is usually about 5 minutes). This week Evan Marriot, the guy from the first Joe Millionaire is on the show. Wow, how low can you go? It just reaffirms for me how lame She Spies is... it's pretty painful.

On another note, I think Maya Rudolph is pretty funny. Wake Up Wakefield is my favorite sketch. Jimmy Fallon's impression of John Mayer was pretty dang funny too. Jimmy Fallon is on my cute-boy-on-tv list with Michael Vartan.

oh the exciting life i lead
Conan O'Brian is on. That means I've been sitting in the same seat since before Miss Match. Yes, it's Friday night and time is right. Right for what? Right for sitting on my behind in my pjs, watching tv, writing Friendster testimonials and listening to minsoo's insanely long radio interview. [Check it out on UC Davis's college radio page... if you have an hour to spare.] You would think that since I'm single (in a relationship, but not married, i mean), in my prime (meaning 25) and sociable (sometimes), that Friday night would be the night I get all dressed up and step out. In actuality, I'm spending this evening alternating between my papa-san chair, the kitchen and the bathroom (the latter two trips cancelling themselves out).

I know that it's not all about going out every weekend, and to be honest, I'm too poor to be stepping out like 50 cent all the time. However, I would like to be able to say that I spent my 20s being social, instead of hiding out in my apartment. I don't know whether it's my non-partying friends or the fact that I have a boyfriend (and thus am expected to always have some exciting social event to attend), but sometimes my slow social life makes me miss those college days. Yes, I'm talking about those days when we'd make up special occasions in order to justify why we were going out on a monday night instead of pretending to study at Norris. Now, I spend most of the time deciding whether or not we should go to the starbucks on Hamilton or the starbucks on San Tomas -- if in fact we actually decide we're going to be "social" and go out. It's sad when my friend Leslie says, indirectly referring to my illustrious social life: "I don't think I've ever seen you dress up."

Maybe I'll pretend that my apartment is a club and turn on windows media player to bust out some cool tunes while I try out my new beyonce-like moves. Wow, now that I've written this, there is NO way I am going to do this. I guess I'll just finish my tea and then go to sleep. Yes, just call me grandma.

more "reality"
Ugh, so I'm watching Trista and Ryan's wedding. I don't know why. I already saw the Law and Order on right now so I flipped around and hit the wedding ceremony. And I couldn't stop watching. I never watched the Bachelorette so the only thing I know about these people is that they're good looking and getting married on national tv. It's so sickening. So now they're dancing to a song created from a poem that Ryan wrote. It's making me teary eyed, I don't know why. Ugh, now they're playing flashbacks. It's cute and all, but dude, I would never want my wedding on national tv. It's weird because I'm not even totally convinced that they're really going to last once the tv cameras are gone. She seems to really like the limelight. Yum, wedding cake. Sometimes TV is evil.

ack, average joe... shmoe
I just spent the entire evening lounging on my couch. I chatted with a few friends on the phone and then watched the oh-so-painful Average Joe. Why do I waste my time on this junk? Like most of the people who follow the show, I was sad to learn that pretty boy won the girl. The Average Joe guy was totally nice about it, too, which made it even more painful to watch. I'm sure that "average" guy is going to get a lot of girls now that he's been on the show. Sorry about this entry, I guess I digress.

anyway...
Things that have recently irked me:
- Drivers in the left lane who slow down at a red and don't allow cars behind them to get in the left lane before the left turn light changes to red.
- Boys who make my girl friends cry (grrr!)
- Winter allergies (or what I think are winter allergies)
- Comcast changing the discovery channel to some station that plays commercials and the tv listings
- Keanu Reeves' voice
- thinking too much about dumb things

Things that I like right now:
- Sheryl Crow's greatest hits CD
- Finding Nemo (yes, I still love it)
- tea
- talking to old friends
- Vaughn from Alias/Michael Vartan (soooo cute!)
- Monograms
- Love Actually

more grad school talk
I'm back from a very brief trip to LA for a UcLA Urban Planning school workshop on writing the statement of purpose for the application. It was insightful in many ways. After today I'm also considering adding NYU to the mix of schools I'm applying to. It's scary to think about relocating again. It's not just the physical act of packing up my belongings and calling up my old friends at U-HAUL... it's also about personal growth and change. I'm still reeling from moving up to the bay area and it's already been 3 years. I wish I adapted more quickly to change in my life. Why is it so hard?

going postal
While I was waiting in line at the post office today, an older man at the counter started shouting at the clerk. First, he was mad about the price of a package and then he became irate when he was asked to show his picture ID after writing a check. It was really quiet in the office, but the guy was yelling loudly and waving his arms and hands. The clerk even yelled back. Everyone in line was watching, but trying not to stare. By the time I reached the front of the line, the man was still there. When he left, I was the next one to approach the clerk's station. The clerk's face was still red from yelling at the old man. I didn't know whether to mention it or not, so I just acted really polite and cheery so that he wouldn't feel so bad about rude customers. I felt bad for the old man, too. It's sad when they start acting rancorous and irrational.

trapped in a box
The last track on No Doubt's Singles album is from their first album before Tragic Kingdom. It reminds me of my days in high school, spending late nights at friends houses trying to finish our AP Chem assignments. When we got frustrated, we pretended to get into our imaginary boxes and try to mime our way out of them while screaming how we were trapped in a box. At the time I think I liked using this phrase to express my annoyance at my schoolwork. Now I think that phrase summed up a lot of my high school life. Last weekend, one of my friends gave me an odd complement by saying that he was glad I still had my humor. Apparently, during high school I was on the path to becoming "completely humorless." I guess I'm still as serious as I was in high school... maybe I just hide it better. Does that mean I'm still trapped in a box?

On a side note, I feel cruddy. It's rainy and icky and I feel icky too. Icky is my new favorite word. Icky!

home and tv
I'm back from LA, where I spent Thanksgiving. It was nice to catch up with old friends and get updates on old classmates. Most of the people I spent time with this week shared my "wait, we're grown ups?" mentality, so we spent a lot of time scratching our heads over our married classmates. Some of the highlights included riding in my friend's new mini cooper and having people admire our ride (or were they noticing that I forgot to close my door?); another highlight was seeing a photo of my friend wearing Wolverine's costume from X2 during a DVD promotions party. Yes, my friends are still kids who like fun toys and dressing up.

It was also nice to watch my parents' direct TV. I racked up at least 24 hours of TLC-watching. I watched a few MTV shows and even some ice skating and Lakers, although these programs were forced upon me by my mom. Boy, I miss cable tv. I'm almost tempted to sign up for cable again. Maybe I'll just put it on my amazon wish list (can I do that?).

blogging... and then something about our governor
Sometimes I sit in front of this blogger screen and write these long entries, only to erase them right after I'm done. I do this a lot and maybe that's why I don't write as often. I suppose the editor in me wonders if what I'm writing is relevant, appropriate and most importantly, cool enough for my loyal fans (ha!) -- all 2 of you. While it's just a place for me to write down my funny little stories and share thoughts, I often make it bigger than it needs to be. Gah, I think too much.

On a side note, our Governor cut the car registration fees. It's nice for new car owners (like me), but the money's going to have to come from somewhere. I guess it's nice that we have non-profit and social service agencies to take money from in order to make up for our fear of taxes. Since when did taxes become so evil? Oh yeah, it's when they convinced us that money grows on trees. Yes, I guess increasing the amount of Mercedes sold will help our state more than providing free after-school programs for kids in low-income areas. Okay, okay, too much sarcasm. Remind me to pray for the Governor.

the cost of inaction
"Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral." - Paulo Freire

my silly monkey shirt and jars of clay
Before I re-enter the world of GRE studying, just had to share my concert experience. Although I was really not in the mood to go to a concert the weekend before the test, it was a pretty great show. We had "golden circle" tickets which meant that we could go in and get seats before everyone else. We sat in the second row, which was awesome. How awesome? This is only way I can illustrate how cool it was to be in the front: At the end of the concert before encores, Stephen Mason, the guitar/background vocals guy pulled out his Paul Frank wallet to show the audience. He keeps motioning to it and I'm clapping away for the band until I notice him and think, huh, that's funny because I'm wearing a shirt that has... oh wait, is he showing me? And I look around and notice that no one else seems to be relating to it or is wearing any PF garb. So I'm guessing that because I was so close to the stage during their performance (and the stage lights were probably illuminating the front rows), he could see me the entire time and noticed my silly little monkey shirt. Yes, that is how close I was. While I definitely loved Jars of Clay (especially "Trouble Is"), I'd have to say that I LOVE Caedmon's Call. They are great. I miss Derek Webb's voice but they have a totally amazing and unique sound. Caedmon's Call was a huge part of my Christian walk during college.

Anyway, the concert was great and I can't wait to see them in concert again.

i wave my fist at the gre
I've resisted writing about the stinking GRE on this blog (I reserve my material for deathbystandardizedtesting.blogspot.com) however I am going to spend this post ranting about it.

GRE, somewhat useless and time-consuming but a necessary evil: I know that it's just a test and it's going to go away after Tuesday, but it irks me how much time and energy I've spent studying for a score that may not even make much of a difference in terms of getting into graduate school. I guess learning all of these new words will make me look smart one day, but in reality, I don't really care if people think I'm smart. [Well, I guess that's not totally true, but we'll address that later.] I guess it's also somewhat frustrating in that I'm still even sorting out the idea of going to grad school. Yes, I want to go to grad school, but I'm not sure which schools I'm applying to and what programs will fit what I'm looking for.

GRE sections and test preps I've been using are ineffective and suck: I strongly dislike those stupid reading comprehension passages that talk about space or physics or other subjects that are completely foreign to me. I am also frustrated with the ets's gre prep software because the practice tests don't explain the questions well. In fact sometimes they decided that they're not even going to tell me how to get the right answer. Thanks ETS, you are oh-so helpful. I also dislike the "Kaplan" method. Also known as the "do it the hard way" Method. Princeton review is much better, but if I admit that I like the Princeton review, then I've have to admit that I like the GRE and I will NEVER do that.

GRE makes me dirty: On top of studying, my love for cleanliness has gone to the wayside as I haven't taken out the garbage and cleaned my apartment in over a week. You all are laughing out there, but I rarely go a few days without wiping the crumbs off the counter or the hair on my floor. On Tuesday after the test, one of the first things I'm going to do is clean my house, tidy up my room and vacuum. I can't wait.

Okay, I'm going crazy, I really am. I don't even know if this all makes sense... ack, I need to get away from the computer now.

sea monkey has my money
Despite my feelings toward the evil corporate Disney, I couldn't help but love Finding Nemo. It came out on DVD today so I picked it up and used it as a break from studying. My favorite scene is the fish tank initiation scene where "Shark Bait" has to swim through the tunnel of fire. Shark bait ooohaha! There are so many funny lines from that movie. Watching it made me really happy today.

see me jump through hoops for you..
"I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me. I am extraordinary. I am just your ordinary, average, everyday, sane/psycho super-goddess." -- "Extraordinary" (Track #1)

I've been listening to Liz Phair's newest CD on and off lately. Track #1 is one of those songs that you sing in the car to yourself or in the shower or when you're mad. It's a good stress-reliever. With the GRE test looming, I'm feeling a lot of tension so listening to this CD while I study makes me feel like I can kick butt. Sometimes, I imagine that the GRE is the subject of this song. So when the song goes "See me jump through hoops for you, you stand there watching me performing, what exactly do you do? Have you ever though it's you who's boring. Who the hell are you?" I imagine I am singing this song to the GRE (personified, of course). Then I get a little fiesty and it helps me through the practice tests.

my day
Punctuality is one of the things I truly love about others and myself. However, this morning I experienced an am/pm alarm clock snafu and ended up waking up on my own at 8:20 am instead of to the alarm at 6:30 am. I had 10 minutes to get ready and make it to San Jose state for the workshops that I help facilitate. Of course I was late, but I made a great effort, yelling at traffic and running through the campus in my boots and "professional dress". I made it in time to hear the end of the introductions and to make my apologies for being late (I harped on them all week to make sure they gave themselves time for traffic, parking, etc.). I hate the feeling of waking up late and having to rush out the door without showering or preparing myself for the day. It always makes me feel icky.

Our workshop today was on community organizing. The two AFL-CIO reps who came as guest speakers really made me excited about the work they do. I kept thinking of Sally Field in that one movie about union organizing. "Si Se Puede!" was at the tip of my tongue several times during the workshop.