the cops, the heat-mobile and painting pastor frank's house
Just another Tuesday evening. Our new pastor is moving into his townhouse and a group of us volunteered to help paint. Halfway through the painting, we went out for dinner. When we returned to the townhouse, beangoo and minsoo had a run in with the law. Apparently, as we pulled up to the house, a neighbor called the police because someone was breaking into a car -- which happened to be our church friend's car (aka the heat-mobile). They already arrested one of the possible car thieves, however they were looking for 2 more guys. Unfortunately, when I dropped b&m off and went to park my car, they happened to be walking in the parking area where the cops were hunting some criminals. I got out of my car in time to see the cops stopping the guys, and the guys kneeling down on the ground... like criminals. When I thought I saw the cop handcuffing beangoo, I walked over to try and explain, but the cops just dismissed me by saying they were just doing their own investigation. It was so strange to see my friends looking like perpetrators, even if it was only for a short time. It made me think about the stories I heard from people at my Americorps program about police brutality and oppression by police. I know they are just doing their job, but I definitely understood how people can feel animosity toward law enforcement.

Eventually, the Heat arrived and told the police that the guys were his friends and they were let go. It left me with sort of a sick feeling in my stomach. It made me think a lot about gender dynamics (If I had been walking down the street, would they have stopped me?), power and privilege and a lot of other things that I'm still thinking about. Both B&M seemed okay after the incident, so I guess it's weird for me to be "processing" it. I think after hearing other people talk about painful experiences with police, I see this incident as part of a larger discussion. Yes, I think a lot about stuff.

careful, spider in there
My roommate had 2 spiders in her room, both near her bed. We managed to kill the little white one, but the big black one was hanging off of her stucco ceiling. I created a swiffer/paper towel/windex spider-death-contraption for her to use, but unfortunately we only managed to capture a leg. The rest of it went free. My roommate had a lot of clothes and junk in her room so we have no idea where the rest of the spider went. I hope it's hobbling around, looking for a good place to die. Most likely it's hiding out, growing back its leg and planning its next attack. I'm going to hide under the covers tonight. *Shiver*.

my check-up
Today was my first "annual" check-up in over 5 years. The doctor spent about 15 minutes with me, told me I needed to exercise more and then sent me down to the lab for blood work. When I arrived in the lower waiting room, I found a mess of senior citizens waiting for their turn with the needle. When it was finally my turn (I almost accidently cut in front of an elderly Indian man -- awkward), I sat down in the not-so-private blood testing station. On the small "walls" separating the counter into blood-testing stations were these weird pictures of animals. In an attempt to distract the blood-giver from the horrors of the needle, they posted photos of cute kittens, birds and dogs up on the walls. When I was waiting for the test, I noticed the photos and kind of chuckled to myself. Are those photos supposed to make it easier? Who's going to fall for that?

(Wai-Ling raises her hand.) Lucky for me, these tacky pictures were there since I started to get really nervous when I sat down. I began to stare intensely at the little kitten photographed in a cage with a bird on top and started to babble to the lab technician, "Ha ha, that's cute..." even though I really didn't think it was that cute. When I felt the cold wet disinfectant wipe on my arm, I decided to come clean with the technician. I nervously laughed and then said, "I'm a little bit nervous about this, he he". She took pity on me so she started to chat with me, which helped to ease the tension. After she took my blood I bolted out of there and once again, almost ran into that same elderly Indian man walking to his car. It was windy so I rushed to my car and opened up my car door... consequently (and unintentionally) preventing him from opening his car door -- awkward moment with elderly Indian man #2.

fafsa
My FAFSA is done. I didn't spend that much time on it. Maybe I should have spent more. Hm. I just wanted to get it over and done with. I lead a busy life... or rather, Alias was on and I wanted to finish it in time. The FAFSA concludes my grad school application process. Woo hoo. I think I'm probably different from many people who apply to grad school. Usually people who go to grad school are a lot more focused than they were in undergrad. After 4 years of being out of school, I think I bring with me a more open attitude. Normally I would be dead set on a certain school and a certain career path. I think that I've learned a lot about being flexible and knowing that no matter how hard I try and plan everything out, it's never the way I imagined it. So I may be headed toward grad school, and I may not be. To say this is a big deal for me. In high school I already had my life mapped out (career-wise, at least) and I was so driven. I'm still driven, but I guess I'm more open to diversions along the way.

Here's a verse from today's sermon that struck me as being really relevant to my consistent struggles:
"This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:5-9

green tea ice cream and the third wheel
My new love is green tea ice cream. Actually, I've liked it for awhile, but Dryer's is finally selling quarts of it at the store. Tonight I picked up 2 for minsoo's monthly movie madness... well, one for the movie night and one for later. I ate most of the quart (minsoo had some) during Roman Holiday and cleaned out the container during the first 10 minutes of Casablanca. Now I'm awake because my stomach is full of milk products. Yay for the green tea flavor... boo for the lactose.

Valentine's Day was low key, as usual. On Thursday, I told SDH to make sure that minsoo bought me flowers. I'm glad the not-so-subtle hints worked. Minsoo also picked me up in the morning to go out to breakfast at stacks. I ate only half of the yummiest and largest fruit-filled crepe I've ever seen. Their hash brown potatoes are also really good, which reminded us that we need to take SDH to eat breakfast there. He LOVES hash browns. I think it's sad that we think of SDH even when we're alone and on a "date". Hey SDH, if we both move down to LA, you have to come with us! We need our third wheel.

a diversion
Just watched Something's Gotta Give. Other than Keanu's annoying lines, it was a sweet story and a good diversion. The scene where Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson are in the kitchen in their pjs making pancakes is really awesome. At one point she says something to the effect of "I don't know if you hate me or are the only one who really gets me." Hm. I like how the other characters totally see the guys falling for DK, instead of how movies usually portray the "falling in love" scene as something that's oblivious to everyone but that one person who's "falling". It's annoying how the "characters in love" have to admit it to their loved ones. Duh. In real life I think that sometimes your friends and family see that spark even before you do... and they notice if it's not there. Ugh, I'm reacting to a romantic comedy -- what's wrong with me?? I wave my fist at Valentine's Day --- evil!!

Now i am back to being me. Tomorrow I will find something to rant about, I promise. Grrr!

ow, my head
Lately I've been at a loss for words when people ask me how I'm doing. It's not because I don't know, it's probably because I'm afraid to share. I think it's because there's so much in my head that I can't articulate clearly where I'm at in my processing. It's pretty scary since my head has literally began to hurt. There's actually pain in my forehead when I'm confronted with tough things. Usually it's combined with crying, so maybe that's where the sinus pressure comes from, but it's a crazy feeling. You know how some people claim that their head hurts from so much thinking? Now I know what that means.

So, what am I thinking about right now? Here's a short list:
- still reeling from having to remove someone from our Americorps program and trying to manage all of the feelings behind that decision
- realizing that Feb and Mar are actually JUST as busy as January (grr!)
- trying to deal with not wanting to take control over situations
- recognizing aspects of my character that i don't like
- being sick and tired of feeling not supported
- wanting to do more, knowing i can only do so much (sounds so cliche, i know)
- realizing that i work full time at a part time job
- wanting/needing balancing in my life but not knowing how
- missing my special friends from northwestern
- wanting more forgiveness and contentment in my life
- wanting my HEAD TO STOP HURTING

Tonight's bible study was a good reminder for me about faith and God's grace and being able to articulate why you believe in something. I need to continue to stop focusing so much on finding answers and more time letting God take care of my life. Yes, I wrote it. Now I need to take it to heart.

Eck, why do I blog about this stuff? To be honest, normally when people I know blog about heavy stuff, I usually skim through it and move on to a more entertaining story. Sorry guys, I'll try to fill you in on my latest escapade when my head stops hurting. Thanks for indulging in this in the meantime.

If You Want Me To
Sometimes things are so complicated and sharing what's been going on just doesn't cut it. This is when I resort to quoting lines from songs and poems. I guess it's my way of expressing everything's that's been going on without boring my 7 friends who read this. It's probably also a good cop out for not really sharing what's going on. Anyway, since I haven't posted recently, I'll share the lines of one of my favorite songs, "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens:

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

i win misery poker
My apps are out...whoopee... Unfortunately this week has not been completely drama-free. Yesterday my old roommate came into town to crash at my place. She arrived at my apt and when we went to repark her car, I noticed my downstairs neighbor's daughter looking at the back bumper of my car, which was parked in a spot in the parking lot. Her mom was at the wheel of the car that was diagonally parked in the middle of the lot. Uh oh. Apparently the mom rear ended my car. Her enormous Dodge Intrepid sedan dislodged the bumper from my car. The worse part? The mom was stinkin' drunk. Her breathe reeked and she could barely even stand up. So I called the police 1. In case I needed to report it for insurance purposes, 2. Because the mom was slurring her words and the daughter had to hold her arm while she walked over to my car. The mom denied that my dislodged bumper was her doing, however the daughter (who was only about 12-13) fully admitted to the police that her mom had put the car into reverse instead of drive and plowed into my car. It was really sad to see the daughter parenting her mom. The police came and arrested her for DUI. They told me that her blood alcohol level was .21 and then made a crack about Jeff Garcia. They also enjoyed making fun of my drivers license picture. If this happened a few years ago, I would not have been too amused. Fortunately, I've been through enough crap where now I just sort of shake my head in disbelief. I tell you, drama finds me. Drama finds me. I'm so tired. At least I haven't taken up a habit like Jessie Spano and her stint with no-doze.

primal scream
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

It's the home stretch. I've got applications to finish before I leave town on Thursday, plus more work to make up for being gone. I'm still in the midst of processing everything that went on at the retreat, so I guess the scream was both to energize me as I head toward the finish line and release some pent up energy from this past weekend. I have to put it on my blog instead of doing it in person because it's really late and my roommate is asleep. I should have screamed earlier. I think looking at all of the A's, R's and G's, helps me feel like I got some of it out. I think I need some rest.

"from discord find harmony" - Albert Einstein
I just returned from yet another emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually draining retreat. This time I was serving as the staff supporting the Americorps members. There were more tears, more anger, more hurt and more DRAMA. I am spent. I went to M4 and I couldn't even watch the movie. I just sat with the ladies who didn't want to watch Jaws and entertained them with my unedited comments about my dysfunctional retreat and stories about my middle school years while we ate fast food.

The above quote sums up my hopes for the good that will come out of the intense conflict this weekend. I was also reminded of the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."- Reinhold Neibuhr. Amen, brother, amen.

wake-up call
Our all-staff retreat in LA last week was a time for all of the sites nation-wide to get together and talk about where our organization is going and learn more about the work we do. On Wednesday night all 60+ of us headed over to a soul food restaurant in LA. Before dinner, we shopped around the neighborhood and visited a small African American art museum. The owner gave us a tour and led us into a back room filled with racist memorabilia from the pre-civil rights era. While he was explaining why he decided to form a collection, a member of our group asked him what he would like to tell youth (the man was in his late 60s). The owner explained that he would like to tell young people to know who their parents are and their heritage. In an attempt to illustrate his point, he looks around the room and points at me. He asks me where I'm from - San Jose. No, no, where are your parents from? He asks. Oh no. So I tell him China and Hong Kong. He then decided to use me and the other two Asian Americans in the room to illustrate his point about knowing the language of your parents and where they come from (I wanted to say, actually, my parents are from LA, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise). He also asked me if I knew martial arts. I began to say that it was a misconception... but then he interrupted and continued his diatribe, moving on to grilling the other two APIs (also from San Jose).

After an uncomfortable 5-10 minutes of standing next to him, trying to pretend to be attentive, but noticing the temperature rising in my head, I managed to leave his clutches (He kept grabbing me and hugging me) and slink out the door with one of the other API women. As I was walking away, I was having trouble processing what had just happened in the museum. I'm used to getting these types of questions from older folks. I've even had people ask me about martial arts and assume things about my background. I couldn't articulate what was pissing me off about the situation. Then it came to me. There I was, in the middle of a staff of "diverse" leaders who pride themselves on encouraging Americorps members to explore their own diversity issues and power and privilege. And in the middle of these "socially conscious" people, I felt all alone. In that moment, when the man choose to point me out and ask questions that could have been answered by anyone in the room, I felt alien, other, foreign, non-American.

What also made me feel alone was not only the color of my skin, but was the fact that during the rest of the retreat, no one said anything to us (the API women) about this incident. There were about 30 or more national staff in the room (including the CEO) and no one checked in with me or the API women after it happened. No one tried to see if we were alright. No one said anything. So there we were, Asian women who had just been objectified and therefore, oppressed, in that situation and we had no allies. Ironically, the word "Ally" is part of organization's name.

At the end of the retreat, one of the executive directors from the other site approached my roommate and I (she was one of the other API women) and apologized for not advocating or supporting us in that situation. He was a black man and he felt like it was his responsibility to be a voice for us in the situation and regretted not stepping up. When he said this, both my roommate and I broke down. The evening after the situation, we agonized over it -- we were angry at our co-workers who said one thing and then when it came down to it, did not recognize how to support part of their diverse community. For any other work setting, I would not expect my co-workers to be allies. However, working in this setting demands it. So when he asked for forgiveness, we became really emotional. We left during the beginning of the closing circle to compose ourselves. At the end, we stand in a customary circle and share what we learned. While I was crying most of the time, when it came time for me to share, I laid it out. I shared my disappointment, my hurt and my drive to start more dialogue about race, power and privilege. My roommate also shared and after the session ended, some of the other staff came up and expressed their regrets. When the CEO came up and gave some (quite honestly) lame excuses, I took the opportunity to share with him that this was only the beginning and I tried to articulate the need to walk our talk. I don't know if he really got it. I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Last week, I was re-awakened to the fact that living in a mostly API setting has allowed me the luxury of not seeing racism played out as blatantly. I recognized the fact that "yellow" and "brown" people are often not included in the black/white dialogue on race and power. This experience renewed my vision for advocating for communities of color and gave me the confidence to speak out when I need to be an ally for those who cannot speak for themselves. It's still a work-in-progress, but I was blessed to be a part of engaging those who are "socially conscious" in a wake-up call of sorts. At the same time, this incident sort of woke me up too. Yes, I am angry, Asian -- and a woman.

can't wait until jan 31
January is a long month. I just returned from an all-staff "retreat" (read: intense conference) in LA for all of the staff nationwide. It was energizing, challenging, exhausting in all aspects of my life: mentally, spiritually, socially, emotionally and physically. I'll write more later. Tomorrow I'm "working" at a youth conference to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. I'm spent.

Here's a quote that relates to what I've learned this week, edited for personal accuracy: "The ultimate measure of a (wo)man is not where (s)he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where (s)he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr.

almost done
Today, armed with my new printer, I opened up my can of whoop ass and attacked my worthy adversary. My personal statement is in its final draft. I will soon be able to do my victory dance. Oh wait, I still have to see if I get into to grad school. Doh.

On another note, this small Chinese salesman (who was probably younger than me and then gave me a wide eyed look when I told him I graduated from college awhile ago) convinced me to buy this printer with photo capabilities that cost double what I was planning on spending. He was trying to show me all of the wonderful capabilities even after I agreed to purchase the model, however it kept giving him an error. Finally he gave up and told me that he broke it. I told him that if mine doesn't work, I'm coming back and hunting him down. He laughed nervously and then told me that he works part time at the Campbell store and part time at the Fremont store in case I wanted to find him. It's too bad I never got his name. Oh well, I know what he looks like.

my freshman year posse
I like the beginning of the year because that's when people make resolutions. Usually it means that I end up hearing from old friends who vow to keep in touch. Right now I'm on an e-mail chain with my old cohorts from freshman year. One of them is engaged, one of them is in China, one of them has a boyfriend with Leukemia, one of them still plays dodgeball... we're all growing up. My RA from our dorm is also on the list. He was like the big-brother-but-really-studly guy that we made a part of our group. He was too big and white and midwestern for me, but my friends swooned when he was around. I'm surprised he actually wants to keep in touch with us. One of our favorite memories was when we celebrated his birthday by taping up a poster of LeAnn Rimes above his bed, covering his floor with little cups of water and creating a duct tape and soda can wall over his door. Ah, those were the days.

throw down
Do you ever feel like you're in a battle with yourself? Right now I'm getting the crap kicked out of me by my personal statement for grad school. I'm in a headlock silently screaming "uncle," while it shouts disparaging remarks about my momma.

2003 rears its ugly head
It's 2004 and I already have a short list of haters. The YMCA is on the top of that list. I had to send a fat check to the YMCA for erroneously paying me for the month of December. They thanked me for my honesty. I let them know I was very frustrated with their incompetence. Grrr. The second on my list is the insurance company from the person who hit me in August. They're calling me instead of my insurance company to get more info. Haters number 2! I'm just waiting for a call from the apartment management company from my asbestos-ceiling-falling-down-on-my-possessions incident. Bring it on.

My pessimistic list for 2004: Things I'm dreading
1. My cousin's wedding. At least she'll be too busy getting married to berate me about not eating all of my soup.
2. So... many... weddings... which brings me to number 3
3. Still being broke
4. Turning 26
5. The possibility of moving... again. Why do I do this to myself?
6. One more year closer to my 10 year high school reunion.

So now I guess I have to write an optimistic list for 2004.
1. Seeing college friends
2. 2003 - aka the year of eternal hell - is over... which leads me to number 3
3. 2004 cannot be as bad as 2003
4. More Alias, Scrubs and Friends on TV
5. 4 years with minsoo! :)

2003 isn't over
This past year took the cake in terms of catastrophy and trials... I was reminded of this on New Year's even when I received two direct deposit notices from my old work... for December. I haven't worked there since September. Apparently they decided to start paying me again. After the last over-paying fiasco, I was very clear in letting them know that I was leaving the organization and to stop paying me. I guess they didn't take the hint.

e-mail from dad
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2004 TO BOTH AND BE SAFE AND WATCHFUL AND ALERT AROUND!!!
MOM & DAD NOW CHINA IS 2004 ALREADY

personal statement
My personal statement for grad school is KILLING me. I've written at least 5 versions, all of which are horrible and awkward. Once I finish this piece, the rest of the application process is a piece of cake. My personal deadline for finishing it is Jan 1, 2004 because my first application is due Jan 15 and I'm going to be busy this month. So I have a little over 24 hours. It's shaping up, but I'm still very uncertain. I hope this doesn't indicate my uncertainty about grad school. I guess I shouldn't question myself so much. When I was at home, my friend really questioned me about going to grad school and I don't think I gave "good enough" answers. It's like a competition where the other competitors try and sike you out before the competition. I think I'm my own worst competitor, though.

home
Home was good. It almost always is. The day after Christmas I spent catching up with friends, spending time at 3 different coffee places with three different sets of friends as well as eating some good dim sum with family friends. It's nice to reconnect with friends and drink lots of chai lattes (yum).

It was nice to also reconnect with my extended family. My scary cousin brought his girlfriend so I was less scared of him and actually had a few good laughs with him. I don't know why my cousin is so scary to me... I guess I always feel like he has this "I can kick your ass" sort of look in his eyes. I was even less afraid of his mom, my aunt. She's one of my "crazy aunts who married into my family" (we have many of these). She was less crazy this Christmas and even went so far as to tell me I looked skinny, even though she normally tells me I'm too fat. Yes, she is crazy.

So now I'm back. Sigh. Life goes on.

merry christmas
"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

May the celebration of Jesus's birth give you peace this week.

no aliens in my room
One of my bedtime preparation rituals is to get a drink of water before I hit the sack. Because of this, there are always at least 2-4 glasses of water, half full, on the dresser next to my bed. I'm like the little girl from Signs. Maybe that's why I haven't been bothered by those pesky aliens.

M-R-S.
The cast from Mona Lisa Smile was on Oprah this afternoon. They were discussing women and the lack of choices women in the 50's had versus now as it's portrayed in the movie. Oprah highlighted a girl and her mother in the audience who both had differing ideas of what the girl should be and do. The girl said that if she had her choice, she would trade her engineering degree so that she could marry and raise a family. Her mom wanted her to pursue a career. She went to/still attends Northwestern. I was like, WHAT?! Kirsten Dunst kept telling her emphatically that she could do both, but the girl was under the impression that since engineering is so competitive, she wouldn't be able to do both. I guess I can see her point. However, I'm kind of troubled by the fact that she's an NU grad because I'm sure her parents spent a ton of money on her education. In some ways, it doesn't surprise me.

During my brief stint as a sorority girl, I remember the ceremonies we would have (almost every week) that announced the engagement or "pinning" (yes, they still do that) of a sister. I'm not aloud to divulge the details of the ceremony, but let's just say that they had to do with singing a really cheesy song (that I never learned the words for) and passing a candle. Anyway, if you saw our silly ceremony and didn't know that we were attending one of the top universities in the nation, you would assume that our main focus for attending school was earning our MRS. degree. I know one of the girls in my class got married (against the wishes of her parents) in her junior year.

Anyway, I'm not going to say that the girl or the mom was right in their viewpoints; you can't blame a girl for having dreams that you don't. I just think it's a waste to go to such an expensive school to find a guy who is probably going to be in debt after college anyway. You minus well go to a state/public school. There are more guys at state schools and they probably won't be in debt. If you like those rich kids, just go stalk the local private college. Don't waste your dough on an overpriced education if you're more interested in leaving college with a ring on your finger than a diploma in your pocket.

Last night we were standing in line to watch Lord of the Rings and I overheard a brief conversation between a couple of people behind us. It went somthing like this:

A woman says: "Yeah, we're nerds..." (Silence) "WHAT?!!!" Her friend behind her says: "Nothing! Hey, I'm the guy standing behind you wearing pointy ears and a cape."

I thought it was pretty amusing.

my new friend
My impromptu trip to Ikea today resulted in the purchase of a lot of random items, including a plant and a pot. I have a brown (versus green) thumb when it comes to nurturing God's creation (I hope this doesn't spill into my potential for child-rearing), but I bought the dang thing anyway. The worst part was that I bought it because I really liked the pretty purple pot. It matches my bedroom decor. How shallow is that? I'm going to try and take care of the little guy as long as I can, but I'm not promising anything. Everyone who hangs out at my apartment is going to have to remind to take care of it.

Maybe I should name it. I don't have any more stuffed animals since they were all taken away by the evil apartment disaster, so I don't have any inanimate objects that I can name. Oh, Herbert, Domokun, Totoro... *sigh* I miss them. I had many good moments with each of them. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a crazy stuffed animal fiend. But they were with me during a lot of tough times. Now I have a nice little plant in a cute little pot.

charlotte sometimes
Back to my normal topic of conversation: media. I just finished watching Charlotte Somtimes. It was out in the theaters after the BLT hoopla, but I never got around to watching it. I even met the director at last year's film festival (which was kinda awkward because I had nothing to say to him). Wow. It's pretty amazing. I didn't think the movie would be that thought-provoking. The characters don't say much, but there's so much going on. It made me think about how emotionally stunted we are sometimes... how we put up walls and stuff. Okay, I'm using we... maybe not we, but... Anyway, I watched the q&a on the DVD and one of the actresses was speaking about being Asian American and dealing with emotional stuff. Anyway, it was a great movie that's keeping me up until 2am thinking.

The only challenge I had with watching the movie was that I couldn't turn off the Spanish subtitles. So I watched the entire movie with the subtitles on. Sometimes, when the actors were speaking really quietly, I'd read the subtitles and try to decipher the dialogue. Unfortunately, I took French in high school.

my stomach and God
Last night I woke up to a lot of stomach pain. It didn't go away when I woke up... and, although it got better when I ate mashed potatoes and a biscuit at church, the pain persisted. It went away (or I ignored it) when I gorged myself at Palace Buffet, but now it's back with a vengeance. What is it trying to tell me? Unlike a magic 8 ball, I can't just shake it and get an answer. I guess I'll just take some tums and see if it tells me something.

On a more thought-provoking note, I thought that this Sunday's sermon really spoke to me on a lot of levels. God wants us to be whole. Being whole is such a deep concept that I never really thought about until recently. It reminds me of Psalm 103, a chapter that I often rely on during my low points:

"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's" -- Psalm 103:2-5

It's weird that I spent the entire week posting about tv shows and only one day writing about God and my faith. I guess it's easier to write about this than about matters of the heart. The paranoid side of me wouldn't want to share because, dude, it's the internet and I don't know what wackos are reading this site. But that might be more reason to write about God's love and grace, right? It's hard to be an ambassador.

still on the couch
Sometimes after watching SNL, I don't feel tired so I stay up and continue watching tv. Unfortunately there's nothing good on tv and I end up watching She Spies until I can't tolerate it (which is usually about 5 minutes). This week Evan Marriot, the guy from the first Joe Millionaire is on the show. Wow, how low can you go? It just reaffirms for me how lame She Spies is... it's pretty painful.

On another note, I think Maya Rudolph is pretty funny. Wake Up Wakefield is my favorite sketch. Jimmy Fallon's impression of John Mayer was pretty dang funny too. Jimmy Fallon is on my cute-boy-on-tv list with Michael Vartan.

oh the exciting life i lead
Conan O'Brian is on. That means I've been sitting in the same seat since before Miss Match. Yes, it's Friday night and time is right. Right for what? Right for sitting on my behind in my pjs, watching tv, writing Friendster testimonials and listening to minsoo's insanely long radio interview. [Check it out on UC Davis's college radio page... if you have an hour to spare.] You would think that since I'm single (in a relationship, but not married, i mean), in my prime (meaning 25) and sociable (sometimes), that Friday night would be the night I get all dressed up and step out. In actuality, I'm spending this evening alternating between my papa-san chair, the kitchen and the bathroom (the latter two trips cancelling themselves out).

I know that it's not all about going out every weekend, and to be honest, I'm too poor to be stepping out like 50 cent all the time. However, I would like to be able to say that I spent my 20s being social, instead of hiding out in my apartment. I don't know whether it's my non-partying friends or the fact that I have a boyfriend (and thus am expected to always have some exciting social event to attend), but sometimes my slow social life makes me miss those college days. Yes, I'm talking about those days when we'd make up special occasions in order to justify why we were going out on a monday night instead of pretending to study at Norris. Now, I spend most of the time deciding whether or not we should go to the starbucks on Hamilton or the starbucks on San Tomas -- if in fact we actually decide we're going to be "social" and go out. It's sad when my friend Leslie says, indirectly referring to my illustrious social life: "I don't think I've ever seen you dress up."

Maybe I'll pretend that my apartment is a club and turn on windows media player to bust out some cool tunes while I try out my new beyonce-like moves. Wow, now that I've written this, there is NO way I am going to do this. I guess I'll just finish my tea and then go to sleep. Yes, just call me grandma.

more "reality"
Ugh, so I'm watching Trista and Ryan's wedding. I don't know why. I already saw the Law and Order on right now so I flipped around and hit the wedding ceremony. And I couldn't stop watching. I never watched the Bachelorette so the only thing I know about these people is that they're good looking and getting married on national tv. It's so sickening. So now they're dancing to a song created from a poem that Ryan wrote. It's making me teary eyed, I don't know why. Ugh, now they're playing flashbacks. It's cute and all, but dude, I would never want my wedding on national tv. It's weird because I'm not even totally convinced that they're really going to last once the tv cameras are gone. She seems to really like the limelight. Yum, wedding cake. Sometimes TV is evil.

ack, average joe... shmoe
I just spent the entire evening lounging on my couch. I chatted with a few friends on the phone and then watched the oh-so-painful Average Joe. Why do I waste my time on this junk? Like most of the people who follow the show, I was sad to learn that pretty boy won the girl. The Average Joe guy was totally nice about it, too, which made it even more painful to watch. I'm sure that "average" guy is going to get a lot of girls now that he's been on the show. Sorry about this entry, I guess I digress.

anyway...
Things that have recently irked me:
- Drivers in the left lane who slow down at a red and don't allow cars behind them to get in the left lane before the left turn light changes to red.
- Boys who make my girl friends cry (grrr!)
- Winter allergies (or what I think are winter allergies)
- Comcast changing the discovery channel to some station that plays commercials and the tv listings
- Keanu Reeves' voice
- thinking too much about dumb things

Things that I like right now:
- Sheryl Crow's greatest hits CD
- Finding Nemo (yes, I still love it)
- tea
- talking to old friends
- Vaughn from Alias/Michael Vartan (soooo cute!)
- Monograms
- Love Actually

more grad school talk
I'm back from a very brief trip to LA for a UcLA Urban Planning school workshop on writing the statement of purpose for the application. It was insightful in many ways. After today I'm also considering adding NYU to the mix of schools I'm applying to. It's scary to think about relocating again. It's not just the physical act of packing up my belongings and calling up my old friends at U-HAUL... it's also about personal growth and change. I'm still reeling from moving up to the bay area and it's already been 3 years. I wish I adapted more quickly to change in my life. Why is it so hard?

going postal
While I was waiting in line at the post office today, an older man at the counter started shouting at the clerk. First, he was mad about the price of a package and then he became irate when he was asked to show his picture ID after writing a check. It was really quiet in the office, but the guy was yelling loudly and waving his arms and hands. The clerk even yelled back. Everyone in line was watching, but trying not to stare. By the time I reached the front of the line, the man was still there. When he left, I was the next one to approach the clerk's station. The clerk's face was still red from yelling at the old man. I didn't know whether to mention it or not, so I just acted really polite and cheery so that he wouldn't feel so bad about rude customers. I felt bad for the old man, too. It's sad when they start acting rancorous and irrational.

trapped in a box
The last track on No Doubt's Singles album is from their first album before Tragic Kingdom. It reminds me of my days in high school, spending late nights at friends houses trying to finish our AP Chem assignments. When we got frustrated, we pretended to get into our imaginary boxes and try to mime our way out of them while screaming how we were trapped in a box. At the time I think I liked using this phrase to express my annoyance at my schoolwork. Now I think that phrase summed up a lot of my high school life. Last weekend, one of my friends gave me an odd complement by saying that he was glad I still had my humor. Apparently, during high school I was on the path to becoming "completely humorless." I guess I'm still as serious as I was in high school... maybe I just hide it better. Does that mean I'm still trapped in a box?

On a side note, I feel cruddy. It's rainy and icky and I feel icky too. Icky is my new favorite word. Icky!

home and tv
I'm back from LA, where I spent Thanksgiving. It was nice to catch up with old friends and get updates on old classmates. Most of the people I spent time with this week shared my "wait, we're grown ups?" mentality, so we spent a lot of time scratching our heads over our married classmates. Some of the highlights included riding in my friend's new mini cooper and having people admire our ride (or were they noticing that I forgot to close my door?); another highlight was seeing a photo of my friend wearing Wolverine's costume from X2 during a DVD promotions party. Yes, my friends are still kids who like fun toys and dressing up.

It was also nice to watch my parents' direct TV. I racked up at least 24 hours of TLC-watching. I watched a few MTV shows and even some ice skating and Lakers, although these programs were forced upon me by my mom. Boy, I miss cable tv. I'm almost tempted to sign up for cable again. Maybe I'll just put it on my amazon wish list (can I do that?).

blogging... and then something about our governor
Sometimes I sit in front of this blogger screen and write these long entries, only to erase them right after I'm done. I do this a lot and maybe that's why I don't write as often. I suppose the editor in me wonders if what I'm writing is relevant, appropriate and most importantly, cool enough for my loyal fans (ha!) -- all 2 of you. While it's just a place for me to write down my funny little stories and share thoughts, I often make it bigger than it needs to be. Gah, I think too much.

On a side note, our Governor cut the car registration fees. It's nice for new car owners (like me), but the money's going to have to come from somewhere. I guess it's nice that we have non-profit and social service agencies to take money from in order to make up for our fear of taxes. Since when did taxes become so evil? Oh yeah, it's when they convinced us that money grows on trees. Yes, I guess increasing the amount of Mercedes sold will help our state more than providing free after-school programs for kids in low-income areas. Okay, okay, too much sarcasm. Remind me to pray for the Governor.

the cost of inaction
"Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral." - Paulo Freire

my silly monkey shirt and jars of clay
Before I re-enter the world of GRE studying, just had to share my concert experience. Although I was really not in the mood to go to a concert the weekend before the test, it was a pretty great show. We had "golden circle" tickets which meant that we could go in and get seats before everyone else. We sat in the second row, which was awesome. How awesome? This is only way I can illustrate how cool it was to be in the front: At the end of the concert before encores, Stephen Mason, the guitar/background vocals guy pulled out his Paul Frank wallet to show the audience. He keeps motioning to it and I'm clapping away for the band until I notice him and think, huh, that's funny because I'm wearing a shirt that has... oh wait, is he showing me? And I look around and notice that no one else seems to be relating to it or is wearing any PF garb. So I'm guessing that because I was so close to the stage during their performance (and the stage lights were probably illuminating the front rows), he could see me the entire time and noticed my silly little monkey shirt. Yes, that is how close I was. While I definitely loved Jars of Clay (especially "Trouble Is"), I'd have to say that I LOVE Caedmon's Call. They are great. I miss Derek Webb's voice but they have a totally amazing and unique sound. Caedmon's Call was a huge part of my Christian walk during college.

Anyway, the concert was great and I can't wait to see them in concert again.

i wave my fist at the gre
I've resisted writing about the stinking GRE on this blog (I reserve my material for deathbystandardizedtesting.blogspot.com) however I am going to spend this post ranting about it.

GRE, somewhat useless and time-consuming but a necessary evil: I know that it's just a test and it's going to go away after Tuesday, but it irks me how much time and energy I've spent studying for a score that may not even make much of a difference in terms of getting into graduate school. I guess learning all of these new words will make me look smart one day, but in reality, I don't really care if people think I'm smart. [Well, I guess that's not totally true, but we'll address that later.] I guess it's also somewhat frustrating in that I'm still even sorting out the idea of going to grad school. Yes, I want to go to grad school, but I'm not sure which schools I'm applying to and what programs will fit what I'm looking for.

GRE sections and test preps I've been using are ineffective and suck: I strongly dislike those stupid reading comprehension passages that talk about space or physics or other subjects that are completely foreign to me. I am also frustrated with the ets's gre prep software because the practice tests don't explain the questions well. In fact sometimes they decided that they're not even going to tell me how to get the right answer. Thanks ETS, you are oh-so helpful. I also dislike the "Kaplan" method. Also known as the "do it the hard way" Method. Princeton review is much better, but if I admit that I like the Princeton review, then I've have to admit that I like the GRE and I will NEVER do that.

GRE makes me dirty: On top of studying, my love for cleanliness has gone to the wayside as I haven't taken out the garbage and cleaned my apartment in over a week. You all are laughing out there, but I rarely go a few days without wiping the crumbs off the counter or the hair on my floor. On Tuesday after the test, one of the first things I'm going to do is clean my house, tidy up my room and vacuum. I can't wait.

Okay, I'm going crazy, I really am. I don't even know if this all makes sense... ack, I need to get away from the computer now.

sea monkey has my money
Despite my feelings toward the evil corporate Disney, I couldn't help but love Finding Nemo. It came out on DVD today so I picked it up and used it as a break from studying. My favorite scene is the fish tank initiation scene where "Shark Bait" has to swim through the tunnel of fire. Shark bait ooohaha! There are so many funny lines from that movie. Watching it made me really happy today.

see me jump through hoops for you..
"I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me. I am extraordinary. I am just your ordinary, average, everyday, sane/psycho super-goddess." -- "Extraordinary" (Track #1)

I've been listening to Liz Phair's newest CD on and off lately. Track #1 is one of those songs that you sing in the car to yourself or in the shower or when you're mad. It's a good stress-reliever. With the GRE test looming, I'm feeling a lot of tension so listening to this CD while I study makes me feel like I can kick butt. Sometimes, I imagine that the GRE is the subject of this song. So when the song goes "See me jump through hoops for you, you stand there watching me performing, what exactly do you do? Have you ever though it's you who's boring. Who the hell are you?" I imagine I am singing this song to the GRE (personified, of course). Then I get a little fiesty and it helps me through the practice tests.

my day
Punctuality is one of the things I truly love about others and myself. However, this morning I experienced an am/pm alarm clock snafu and ended up waking up on my own at 8:20 am instead of to the alarm at 6:30 am. I had 10 minutes to get ready and make it to San Jose state for the workshops that I help facilitate. Of course I was late, but I made a great effort, yelling at traffic and running through the campus in my boots and "professional dress". I made it in time to hear the end of the introductions and to make my apologies for being late (I harped on them all week to make sure they gave themselves time for traffic, parking, etc.). I hate the feeling of waking up late and having to rush out the door without showering or preparing myself for the day. It always makes me feel icky.

Our workshop today was on community organizing. The two AFL-CIO reps who came as guest speakers really made me excited about the work they do. I kept thinking of Sally Field in that one movie about union organizing. "Si Se Puede!" was at the tip of my tongue several times during the workshop.

my dual blogging personalities
It's been awhile since I've posted and I've been feeling the pressure of not posting. Okay, so no one's been asking me to post, I guess I just know that there are people who actually read this stupid thing and my journalistic instinct is to keep people informed, even when I'd rather not. I guess this is why I didn't want to start this dumb thing in the first place. It creates this weird inner struggle between my journalistic side where I want everyone to read, enjoy and be thoroughly engrossed in my writing and the other, more private and neurotic side of me that says this blog is too personal and too much of a responsibility. This is why I've only told like a few people about this blog. The irony is that I have a sneaking suspicion there are many people who read this who have no friggin idea who I am. Like you guys who read this and live on the east coast. I don't know you. And some weirdo in Alaska. I don't know you either.

Okay, okay, I'm scaring myself and probably alienating all of my loyal readers. Just kidding, I didn't mean it. I don't care who you are, just keep reading. I mean, I care who you are, but... oh, nevermind.

communication and stuff
A large part of my job is to set up training sessions for the Americorps members in my program. Today we had a workshop on communication that turned out to be this huge philosophical conversation around what it means when we communicate. Here are few things to crunch on:
* I am the expert of my intentions and you are the experts of my impact.
* Using "I" statements means that we take ownership of our feelings and opinions (ex. When you go to the store and you feel uncomfortable when you see those weird.... vs. When I go to the store, I feel uncomfortable when I see those weird...) even though sometimes it feels like you're trying to relate your experience to others
* When in conversation, we should be listening FOR each other, not simply listening to each other

During this training, a few of my old cohorts from my Americorps year came by the office. One of them spent a year doing the program in the mountains of Colorado. We sat down to talk and he was totally overcome by emotion. He's still processing his intense experience over there and it was so crazy to see him struggle with this. It was an intense experience for me as I didn't really know how to support him. It was also intense because I've spent this week supporting another friend who was going through some stuff.

Phew, this week has been so intense on so many levels.

post-election stress disorder
This election has given me a new outlook on the bay area. While I will always say that my hometown is the best place to be, I really appreciate the progressive nature of this area.

Just to add some humor to the situation...In a recent totally-biased-Bay-area-is-better news story from sfgate.com, the phrase "Shock and Awe" was part of it's title. I'm glad this time, we're using the phrase to accurately represent the situation. In the story, a guy said that he had post-election stress disorder. Me too, man. Me too.

mourning
Stop laughing. I know all of you California-haters are laughing at us. Please don't rub more salt in our open wound. Giants aside, this week has been a sad day in the history of my beloved state. I spent 4 years in college trying to prove to all of my friends that California was a bit of paradise. I even planned a trip so that 20 of my closest pals could experience 80 degree weather in January. When my friends were considering where to go to grad school or residency, I tried to woo them with good Asian food and palm trees. Now, I hang my head in shame. This recall election has shaken my belief in the California that I loved and missed when I was at NU. I suppose moving up to the progressive bay area (where 62% of us said NO on the recall) and working in non-profits insulated me from realizing how IDIOTIC we can be. Why, California, why?

My one consolation: Prop 54 bombed. Nice try Ward Connolly, or should I say, Mr. Crazy Man?

a whole lotta nothin'
I should be heading off to sleep right now, but I'm not feeling tired. I have a lot of work to do when I get into the office tomorrow morning, but I'm really trying not to stress myself out when I'm not in the office. This is the new worry-free me! Plus there are other things to stress about -- namely, the recall election. Because of some bad timing issues and confusion with my address (as it's always changing), I may not be able to vote. This sucks because I'm very ANTI-RECALL and a definitely NO on prop 54. I feel like so many people will vote just because it's exciting to vote, not because it's part of their civic duty. Thus, we'll be getting tons of idiots who think it's cool to vote for the terminator. I know that all of you who live in other states are laughing at us right now. Yes, go ahead. My laughter is mixed with tears.

Speaking of tears, I'm currently mourning (no tears, as "There's no crying in baseball") the Giants' loss to the Marlins. Some people blame a certain player with the last name starting with a C and ending with a RUZ JR. I can't say since I wasn't able to watch all of the games. It's a pretty big deal when I, Wai-Ling, become sad because of sports. The Ironman Triathlon made me teary, but it was only because of those inspirational stories. Hey, stop laughing at me.

There are a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. I will spare you the details since this post is filled with so many extraneous thoughts. I should just go to sleep now.

through a colored lens
My new part time job is a lot of work. But at the same time, I enjoy the work I'm doing and I know that I'm being taken care of professionally and personally at this new place. It's also an awesome organization that played a huge role in bringing me where I am today. Anyway, I digress.

These past few days have been filled with meetings after meetings, leaving me with little time to do actual work on planning Friday's training. Despite this fact, the meetings were filled with opportunities for me to learn a lot about my job. Something that struck me: At one point during one of the meetings, I looked at the 7 other people around me and realized that I was sitting around a table with all people of color. This meeting was with the rest of the staff, two VPs of our organization, as well as the Executive Director and Associate Director of another non-profit that we're partnering with. While I dislike calling people who aren't of European descent "colored" people (because we all have color in our skin for goodness sake!), this was the only way to accurately describe the make-up of this group of important community builders. It was really an amazing experience for me.

Why did this observation make a difference to me? Well, what makes this significant is that one, most of the people who make things happen in organizations are old white men. [Yes, even old white men rule non-profits.] Secondly, the people sitting around me weren't all of one race/ethnicity, but a mix which represented the make up of this area. It was also a profound moment because most of the organizations I had worked with in the past (for and non-profit) were a majority white. This was the first time I could sit around a table with people of color who were in positions to make things happen. It struck me as a profound moment of seeing the table not just of people in specific roles representing our respective organizations, but as people of color, with personal and collective histories and a deep investment in our community. Wow.

advice from an occasionally bad driver
This morning I stopped by Walgreens to drop off some film. On the way there, I had to manuever through traffic to get to the store, cutting in front of cars to get over to the left turn lane. As I was pulling to a stop in the left turn lane, a car drives by and a guy yells "HO!" out the window to me... um, okay. Yes, I understand that my turn into the left lane stopped the 5 MPH traffic for about 1 second. I understand that it slowed the momentum going through the light. I know that morning rush hour traffic sucks. But the guy still got through the signal. He lost maybe 2 seconds from his commute. RELAX, dude.

I guess what bugs me a lot is when people shout out names to me when they don't like my driving. I admit that I'm not the best driver. In fact, I fully admit that sometimes I do stupid things. But it's unnecessary to call me expletives out of frustration. Instead of the usual female dog comment, I would prefer that people yell out more helpful comments like, "Hey lady, drive slower, there are kids here!" When a paranoid lady shouted this phrase at me in a parking lot, I listened up and took her feedback. Another time, a guy shouted out, "Use your turn signal!" Even though I decided that his feedback was not necessary (as there was only one way to turn and he was just impatient), at least I could yell back, "It's not necessary, you fool!" Okay, so I didn't do this, but I could have. My point is, that if you must yell out in frustration, please provide helpful info and don't just call them names. They're not going to understand if you call them names. Especially when you're yelling out comments that have nothing to do with driving. I suppose that guy assumed that my bad driving was a result of my sexual history. How am I supposed to respond to that comment? I guess one response might be: "Wow, I'm glad he used the "Ho's are bad drivers" principle in judging my driving skills. I wasn't familiar with this generalization, but now that I'm aware, I better shape up or else people will think I'm easy. Geez, thanks sir!"

movin' on
My time working with middle school students ended this Friday. It was very anti-climatic as no one was really around and my other co-worker (who will be leaving on Monday) was on the phone when I packed up my things and left the office. I didn't expect fanfare; my exit actually reflects the way I felt about the organization. My boss is not the most organized person and so she spent this past week training other staff and didn't have time to schedule in my exit interview or anything remotely close to a final goodbye. I guess it's really not the final goodbye as they've messed up my final paychecks and I have to sort out this minor mess next week.

My co-worker who's also leaving thinks it's incredibly ironic that my new job is part-time AND pays me more. It's also fairly ironic that I'm going to be doing the training and learning curriculum for the Americorps members -- ironic because we struggled with getting properly trained in our Americorps position this past year. It's exciting to return as part of the staff at the Americorps program I was a part of two years ago. One of the AC members is actually an old friend of my high school friend (whom I remember when she was in high school and I was in college!). Weird.

I am trying to spend this weekend relaxing and vegging out. I hope this is the first step in starting to take care of my health and balancing my life. It's amazing how my health has deteriorated this past year. Besides losing a fair amount of weight, I'm actually starting to get wrinkles and bags under my eyes. Let's not even talk about the rest of my health issues. Yes, I'm 25, but no, I refuse to look like I'm turning 80 soon. I'm moving forward, trying to let God take my life and lead it. This year's theme: Submission.

my official quarter-life crisis begins right.. now
Despite having a holiday on Monday, this week felt like a stinking long week. It began with putting in my two weeks notice to my boss on Tuesday. I spent the rest of the week reassuring myself that quitting my job without an immediate prospect lined up was the right thing to do. My mom kept reminding me that I not only needed to take care of grad school plans, but also take care of myself. I felt good about my decision and saying good-bye to a job that provided a lot of stress and amazing kid-related stories, but not much sanity. On the other hand, I was nervous because I kept thinking about the kids I'd leave behind and the feeling that I hadn't been "tough enough" to stick through it. At the same time, I realized that my job was never set up for me to stay longer. There was no incentive except for the kids, who will be well taken care of by the staff that I helped hire. So, yeah, I quit my job. Oh goodness, I quit my job.

But the story didn't end there, because God is always good. I interviewed with my old Americorps agency to be on their staff. It had been three weeks and they kept pushing back their decision because of various reasons. I wasn't counting on the job, but I still prayed like crazy about it. I actually put off quitting, but realized that regardless of this new job prospect, I needed to get out. Anyway, today, they called me and gave me the best birthday present I could have received --- a new job! So even though I faithfully quit my current job because I needed to take care of myself, God still provided. This time, I'll be working part time and making slightly more than I did when I worked like a dog and made close to nothing. Thanks Lord, you hooked it up real good.

Can you handle another blessing? The car insurance company is going to pay me a fat load for my totaled car.... fat, meaning that they're appraising the car for MORE than I bought it. He he. Sometimes I don't know whether to cry from sadness or gratefulness. Most of the time my tears flow for both.

Once again, some verses to sum up what's been going on:
"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's" -- Psalm 103: 2-5

gulp
i did it. i just quit my job. more on this later.

a silver 2003 honda civic EX
I almost passed out earlier this evening. It might have been the fact that I was hungry... or maybe it was because I became a CAR OWNER today. After some negotiating (and help from friend who knew the fleet manager at a dealership), I signed my name to my very own vehicle. The process was pretty informal as the sales person was a friend of my friend. However when it came time to sign the papers, I stopped breathing and felt light-headed as I signed at the dotted line. I am an adult!

update
I spent a week as a camp counselor for a bay area KUMC youth camp. One of the kids in my small group was Chinese. He became my homeboy instantly. The kids were shocked that I was 10 years older than they were (they assumed I was 19). Some of the boys called me Ah-juh-mah. I took advantage of my seniority to make them do stuff for me. I also bonded with my Chinese sister-who-goes-to-a-Korean-church. Hurrah for fellow left-handed Cantonese ladies.

God hooked it up for me while I was away. While I was at camp, the car insurance peeps called my parents and told them that my messed up car was not worth fixing and were going to assess the market value pre-crash to determine how large a check they're going to cut me. Yay, sort of. Being away at camp was really healthy for me because I barely thought about my janked up car and my janked up circumstances. It was a good - though completely exhausting - break from my reality.

Okay, that's it. I'm stinkin tired. I slept 12 hours on Friday night and 9 last night... and I'm still pooped.

another drama
Wednesday night I was driving home from celebrating a friend's birthday. I was pulling up to a light behind a car when all of a sudden a car crashes into me from behind sending my car straight into the one in front of me. Yes, folks, I was in an accident. But following in the footsteps of the random crap that has happened to me in the past few years, this was no ordinary rear-end. After the sucka hit my car, the guy hopped out of his car, ran across the other side of the expressway in oncoming traffic, jumped a fence and took off, leaving his broke down car. Meanwhile I'm sitting in my car, which is now attached to the underside of a Ford Explorer, in shock, thinking WHAAATTTTTT???????? A man who witnessed the accident from a few cars behind came over and started asking me questions (What day is it? Are you okay?) while I blubbered answers to him through my sobs. [Did I mention that I got this new car in October?] The ambulance came and said that I was okay but I needed to see my doctor (by this time I was practically hyperventilating). WHY DOES THIS CRAP KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

I'm pretty sore and the doctor said I'd be okay (although you never know with Kaiser). My car is a total loss. I don't know if the CHP officers have caught that sucka, which might have been racing with another car when he plowed into me. I'm thankful that I'm still alive and relatively well. I cannot shake the fact that unfortunate things keep happening to me. My mom keeps saying that God is telling me something. I agree, I just don't know what he's telling me.

my day
My back is sore from sitting on my uncomfortable-yet-stylish Ikea sofa. I never noticed that it wasn't a very cushy sofa until today since I spent over 8 hours lounging around on it. I love the time off and it has given me a lot of time to reflect and rest... and watch Surprise By Design on the Discovery Channel -- one of my top 5 favorite home make-over reality shows.

Today I killed a fat spider in my dining area. It was hanging on a t-shirt hanging from my table. I screamed, it fell on the carpet and then raced toward the wall. I grabbed a folding bar stool and pinned it to the wall. The little bugger is still stuck in between the stool and wall as I haven't gotten up the nerve to discard the carcass.

That was my day.

back to reality tv and friendster
The Restaurant is the most exciting reality show on tv right now. There are no "confessionals" or intereviews where they cry because they just broke up with their boyfriend... again. It's pure action, reality tv style. From eavesdropping on customers bashing the food (and then complementing Rocco's mom) to watching the prima donna wait staff get booted off, this show is by far more exciting than Who Wants to Marry My Dad or even the OG reality show, Real World (which is, let's face it, getting pretty old). I'm addicted to watching Rocco and his staff putting out fires (both figuratively and literally).

On another note, don't you hate it when people whom you were never really friends with try and add you to their friendster list? If you don't recognize them as a "friend" and hit no, then you'd be rude, right? At the same time, you have to wonder if they just adding you to pad their list so they seem like they have tons of friends? I mean, this has never happened to me, just thought I'd ask ;)

taking a break
I'm taking an informal sabbatical this week. There were many signs that I was becoming burnt out from my job... constant complaints about my job, purposely calling in "sick" and instead going shopping with my roommate or sister, regular crying episodes in front of my co-workers. So I threw in the crying card with my boss's boss (you can't say no to an employee who cries) and got a week off of work.

This week I'm supposed to be thinking about how I want to change my work situation and/or deal with it. And yeah, I'm doing that. At the same time, I realize that my job is a lost cause and that all I want to do is sit on my veranda and sip fruity drinks (if I had a veranda, anyways). I also spend a lot of time thinking about all of those characters in books and movies who are complete slackers yet have still managed to find their way to success. Okay, these people are mostly made up or exaggerated, but I'm sure there are people out there like that.

Blah, quarter-life crisis rears its ugly head once again.

share in my GRE woes
Death By Standardized Testing

just like kix
All through my childhood and adolescence, I was always the perfect friend... in the eyes of my friends' parents. They considered me a "good influence" on their little monsters. Back then I was a straight A-student, quiet, respectful and to top it off, my mom was a teacher -- the ultimate qualification for a perfect friend. I was invited to all of the birthday parties of the girls in my class and most of the parents invited me for play dates with their daughters... I was the golden child. I could do no wrong in their eyes. In fact, I may have even been able to save their precious ones from the evil girls who like to chase boys during recess (I of course, did not engage in that sort of activity, but that's a story for another post).

On the other hand, my so-called "friends" (aka the girls whose mom invited me to play) thought otherwise. In 2nd grade I remember going over to Kristin Thompson's house (a huge house in PV - aka where the rich people live) and being ignored the entire afternoon. Was I not fun to play house with? Were my brown velcro shoes not up to par with her white ballet shoes? Was I not anglo enough? The answer to these questions was probably a huge fat yes. Being the "chosen one" among the parents in my class did not make me popular with the little girls who took baton-twirling class on tuesdays, horseback riding lessons on thursday and had their own mini custom-made house in their backyards. The fact is, I wasn't fun. I was just there to make their moms feel better. And the worse part about it was that I knew it and so did the girls.

This pattern continued throughout my adolescence. However, now I wasn't just a good influence, I was the trend-setter. I remember my best friends in 6th grades both got their ears pierced within a few months after I got mine. It wasn't that they saw my little golden studs and wanted to copy me. It was that they went home to their parents saying, "See, even Wai-Ling got her ears pierced. Why can't I?" To which their parents replied, "Oh, if Wai-Ling got her ears pierced, then it MUST be okay." Yes, I'm mother-approved.

But it didn't even stop there. Flash forward to college. One of the summers I was home, I went to a shady club on Sunset Blvd. because a friend's Smashing-Pumpkins-inspired band had landed a gig there. I ran into a friend whom I knew in elementary school (we had gone to different high schools); his mom was the music teacher at my mom's school. A few days later, my mom mentioned that the music teacher had mentioned that her son ran into me at a club. The other teacher said something to the effect of: "I was afraid of my son going to places like that, but since Wai-Ling was there..."

Yes, I only engage in wholesome activities and if I am there, it means that the place is mom-friendly and suitable for your child as well. Yes, I am just like those crispy corn-puffs: kid-tested, mother approved.

a new addiction
can't stop... watching... reality shows... must... not... be...manipulated...ugh, it's futile. I've succumbed to the reality show madness. And it's not a pretty sight.

like a school reunion, only without the awkward conversation
You ever wonder what happened to that girl in college that all the guys drooled over? Or do you ever have a fleeting memory of that guy in high school that was in all of your AP classes? I have. This is precisely why friendster ROCKS. Even though the website has become so slow due to all the traffic, it hasn't stopped me from searching through the 100,000+ people I'm connected to (through my mere 13 so-called friends) for those random acquaintances.

What makes this site so ridiculously fun are the photos. My latest discovery was a classmate from high school who was in all of my ap classes, played games on the TI-85 like it was an X-box and hung out with the rest of the geeks from the french club. I definitely respected him as a fellow over-achiever and high school nerd. When I found him on friendster, I barely recognized him. Besides the fact that he now lives on the east coast and dates hot men, I also got a great view of his washboard abs (oh yes, he included a picture of them). Ahhhh, friendster.

This ingenius site also allows me to check out figures from my past without actually having to contact them directly. I can still remain anti-social while finding out who's doing what and where. It's the lazy person's way of reconnecting, without really connecting. Yes, it's probably not the healthiest pasttime, but it's efficient in that I don't have to get off my couch and pretty myself up to see old friends or acquaintances whom I'm not really going to develop any long-term relationship with. So it's really the most practical answer to the question, "I wonder what ever happened to...?"

freed
It's true that when you finally throw up your hands and ask God to do His work, He does. Today my executive director said that because of Americorps funding issues and other paperwork, I will not be held responsible for the botched payroll paperwork. Yes, this means I have been freed from my indentured servitude to the Y. It's a miracle because I spent most of last week depressed, as I explored my options (getting a starbucks-type job to pay off my current job, paying off the debt and moving home, etc.) and realized that I was screwed. Howeverf, I spent this week in intense play with 4-6th graders as a part of my servitude. I haven't had the opportunity to rest, let alone think about my financial situation. It's amazing how God takes care of things when you're not even looking. *sigh*

the r word
I think the kids in my team know how to make me mad. Last week one of the kids i have a love-hate relationship with, called me racist. WHAT!?? I promptly made him take a time out and go speak to the program director. Uh-huh. You do NOT call me racist. On Wednesday, I was with a different team of kids and another guy called me racist because I was making him sit out (and therefore, being too critical of him because he's part ASIAN!) I had a long talk with him and later on, he realized the error of his ways and "retracted" his statement.

What is up with this? Do I exude the anti-racist vibe? I almost lost my cookies when they said these things. I think what bothers me the most is that they use this statement only to express their frustration. I don't even think these kids realize that racism still exists and instead, use the term as a way to express how something is unfair to them. If nothing else, I hope they understand that this claim must be used carefully in anger. I can't wait to see what they pull on me this week.

HP5
I purchased my copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night. My friends and I arrived at Barnes and Noble at around midnight to a line, wrapped around the building and no parking spaces. Once we made it to the front of the line inside the store, we received a sticker with a letter of the alphabet attached. We had to hang out in the store until our number was called. Then we got to stand in yet another line to wait to get the book. I almost passed out in the spirituality aisle waiting for the letter M to be called. It was madness. I was so tired that when I got home at around 2am, I just dumped the book, still in the bag, on the floor of my bedroom.

Was it worth it? Well, let me put it this way: This morning there was a knock at the door. Since I've decided that I will no longer answer an unexpected knock (Who knows if it's the cable company or someone wanting me to learn about dianetics?), I didn't rush to the door. A few minutes later, I opened the door and found a box on our doorstep. The package was for my roommate from Amazon.com... and yes, you guessed it, it was HP5. This is when waved my fist and I asked myself, "Why did you stay up so late and wait in those long lines to get a book you could have gotten the next morning delivered to your doorstep?" So back to the question... the answer? No, not really. The book is still sitting on my floor and now I'm just really tired.

yet another post from another angst-ridden 20-something wondering why her life is so hard *sigh*
"What we have before us are some breathtaking opportunities disguised as insoluble problems." -- John Gardner, in a 1965 speech.

Yes, I've resorted to using quotes instead of my own words to describe what has been going on in my life. Lately I've been at a loss to describe some of the challenges that have been put before me. And part of me is ashamed for being so self-indulgent about these problems as I know that there are people out there who face larger issues in their lives. I suppose my seemingly "insoluble problems" are nothing in comparison with real conflicts that others face all over the world (i.e. Poverty, war and death).

So I guess this quote doesn't really fit my problems, rather, it fits my perspective on my problems. And I guess it's appropriate for this blog... Well, I suppose blogs are just spaces for us to be really self-indulgent while pretending to expound on the ways of the world and the woes of being 20-something. (As I place the back of my hand on my forehead and sigh dramatically). Am I renouncing the blog as simply a tool to express one's psychosis? Well, yes... and no. Yes, because I recognize that sometimes, I am crazy and I need a place to get rid of the crazies. No, because I am not only crazy, but a frustrated journalist who needs some place to keep her writing skills sharp.

While I'm at it, does that mean that this post I just wrote is even more self-indulgent because of the fact that I'm aware at the nature of blogging? Ai-yah, I will stop now.

do i really want to rake the muck?
As a journalism major, there's one section in every publication that I can't get enough of: the masthead. This is the page with the list of editors, contributing writers and people who do neat stuff to the magazine and make it look good. Of course, the "contributing editors" page where they feature the guest writers and their nifty bios is also another favorite of mine. One of the first things I do when I buy a new periodical is to scan the cover for bylines. Next, I flip carefully through the annoying ads at the beginning, making sure I don't skip a page with text. Then I flip to the list of names. I stop to scan the list, hoping (and dreading) that I will see a name of a former classmate from j-school or a friend of a friend who does the freelance thang. Then I let out a sigh and move on.

I think this obsession - yes, I'll admit it - is not so healthy. I don't think I do this to actually find my j-school buddies (in reality, most of my j-school buddies hated journalism and ended up pursuing consulting or PR), but I guess as sort of a masochistic desire to remind myself of my perceived failure to become the brilliant journalist that everyone thought I'd become.

Why bring this up? I was just reading the bios for a new Asian American magazine and I recognized two classmates from journalism school, both with impressive bios. Feelings of envy, regret and bitterness surfaced. Then I though, "Hey, why not post this up on blogger? Angst is always good fodder for a blog entry." (Sarcasm is good fodder also.)

So yes, I'll shout it out to the world (or rather, I'll type it out so my 7 friends can read it): I feel like a journalism failure.

I know you all gasped. It's true, folks. I could go on, but I won't. I realize that this feeling of failure is often momentary as I like to push it into the deep caverns of my mind, where it can stew and simmer until the next time I read a well-respected periodical.

delicious ambiguity
"I wanted a perfect ending... Now, I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." -- Gilda Radner.

ode to minsoo
It's been three years since minsoo and I decided to "go steady". For all of you who thought that this wouldn't last, I just want to let you know that the minsoo years (as I like to call our dating period) have been quite amazing. It's been amazing because I'm amazed that minsoo has been able to stay with me despite my 6 moves, 3 jobs, lots of crying on the phone, 1 ceiling caving in and a number of other catastrophes that has plagued "the minsoo years." He's been super supportive and has gone above and beyond the call of boyfriend duty so many times. He's woken up at 6am on Christmas morning to help me organize a meals on wheels delivery, created CDs for me at the drop of a hat, delivered food when I'm working late and been at almost everyone one of the events for the kids I work with (even trying the homemade brownies they made).

Anyway, it has been three long years. I'm glad I've had minsoo by my side.

forgot the party favor, too
Chicago was a whirlwind of friends, weddings (both the one I attended and talk of future plans for my pals) and no sleep. Minsoo and I stayed up late with pals and then took a two hour nap before heading to O'Hare to catch a 6am flight home. My head is sort of spinning, both from the lack of sleep and from the conversations I had this weekend. I'll fill you in when I get some shut-eye.

trouble finds me
Just when I think trouble has passed me by... After today's graduation, the program director and the executive director needed to meet with me. Uh oh. They were doing some housecleaning and noticed an error in my paperwork -- a payroll error. Apparently, my paperwork said I was making more money than I was supposed to... or at least that's what the person who typed in my salary thought I was making. So, for the past 8 months, I've been paid a salary for 10K more than what I'm slated to make. Now, I'm $7,800 in debt to my employer. Yes, you read it right. I've taken out a loan and I didn't even know it. There's really no course of action for me to take, unless I want to quit my job and sue them for this money (which is not even worth it).

What is going on?!

I keep pinching myself because I feel as if I'm in some movie or tv show about the misadventures of a mid-20s woman. Quarter-life crisis? Most definitely.

green mill, anyone?
Friday I'm heading off to Chicago for a friends' wedding where I'll get to see some good ol' college friends, a few of whom are planning to tie the knot. What's up with all of this wedding stuff? Over here on the west coast I have very few friends in relationships, let alone married. Anyway, I'm slightly worried about our accomodations as minsoo and I are currently without any, however, I'm super excited to spend some good times with my friends from college. Chicago, here I come!

My program ends on Thursday! Graduation is tomorrow... I'm almost done for the year. I can almost taste it. Can't wait to get rid of those stinkin' kids.

trainwreck phenomenon
Being a third-party observer in other people's relationships or decision-making is often like watching a trainwreck. You see it coming, but you can't do anything about it -- you know it's going to happen, and you can't help but watch. This is called the trainwreck phenomenon. I can see it coming. Things might get ugly.

At what point should you intervene? Or should you not intervene because it may be their decision to make? Hm.

countdown
The countdown is on. Only three more days of program left. The students have been beyond disrespectful to each other and to the staff. All I hear out of their mouths are complaints and criticism, despite our repeated attempts at making our program more "fun" in their eyes. Now I have merely a glimpse of what God feels like when we demand his blessings yet fail to recognize that he is doing just that.

We're thinking of cancelling the celebration that is supposed to commemorate the kids' "graduation" from our leadership program because they don't act like they are leaders. Suppose God cancelled heaven because he felt we were mean to each other and had proven that we didn't learn anything on earth. That would be scary.

listen up parents
Another kick-me-in-the-fill-in-the-blank day. The police had to escort one of our kids to a shelter because of some really bad jail-bait-like stuff. Meanwhile, the other kids are rioting and being the horrible little beasts that make me want to quit. We seriously considered cancelling program tomorrow.. and for the rest of the semester. I believe that you can see true goodness in children, however they are often honest -and sometimes heartbreaking- reflections of society. Some of the hateful and manipulative things they say often shock me, but then I step back and realize that kids only mimic what they hear in real life. It also makes me sad to see the dangerous patterns they are developing. I can't really go into more details, but it makes me sick to see the relationship patterns that the girls are developing. It convinces me more and more that parents are the ones that have to really be a part of their kids lives. After school teachers, counselors and youth workers can only do so much. Parents -- take care of your kids. You brought them into this world, it's your responsibility.

grrrr
Parking my car tonight was like some bad flashback from my SF days: Roaming the streets again and again, trying to fit into parking spots too small, driving around muttering under my breath, calling minsoo to complain about how lame the parking is in the city. I finally parked in a spot where my car is a few centimeters in front of a driveway. I hope it doesn't get towed or ticketed... or worse, hit by cars getting out of the driveway. Parking hassles were just a small little annoyance that added to my crazy day. Tomorrow is the big WOW project where the little monsters I work with display their work. Today was minsoo's birthday. I was at work until 10:30 pm when I pulled myself away to meet him and a few others at a coffee place for 15 minutes. Oh and did I tell you that I made him help me make a CD cover for my kids tonight too? I'm a sucky, sucky girlfriend.

amendment
Alright, some people might object to calling X-men United a "waste" of money, but think about this -- is it necessary to see a movie like that on opening weekend (and helping the big production companies make more money) when there's another film that might actually make a difference for Asian Americans in film? Wait a weekend to see X-men and support a film that depends on YOU going to see it THIS weekend. So anyway, X-Men United isn't a waste of money, it's just that there are other films that you could run to the theater to see. X-Men United can wait. *steppin' off my soapbox*

show me the A.A. love
Come on now people, even my parents are supporting Asians in Film! Alright, so I know the 7 people who read this site also read minsoolove and other sites, but I just wanted to put in my two cents. My parents never go out to watch movies. I think the last movie they saw was one of those Disney films that I made them go see when I was a little kid. In the past few weeks, my parents have seen not ONE but TWO films -- in the theaters! The two films? Bend it Like Beckham and Better Luck Tomorrow. I'm proud to be called my parents' child right now. My parents keep it real in the rice fields. Props to Kenneth and Lydia!

So you movie foos who went to see X-Men United and The Real Cancun should cough up the dough to watch BLT and not complain about not wanting to "waste" money on movies. You already did.

vicarious intercession
Oswald Chambers rocks. Since the great disaster (i.e. the ceiling collasping in my apartment), I've been meaning to replace my edition of My Utmost For His Highest, a daily devotional written by Chambers around the turn of the century (the 20th century, I mean). He is super insightful and I am daily challenged by his words. I found his devotional online and so I've been trying to make it a daily habit.

From today's devotional entitled, "Vicarious Intercession":
"Am I stubborn or substituted? Am I spoiled or complete in my relationship to God? Am I irritable or spiritual? Am I determined to have my own way or determined to be identified with Him?"

Good but very tough questions.
check it out: www.gospelcom.com/rbc/utmost

desperation
Humiliation. We had to compete with the other YMCA summer camp programs for recruiting today at lunch. Our shabby flyers and sign paled in comparison with the slick videos, photo board, t-shirt and candy give aways from the other Y camp people. I resorted to flirting with 8th grade boys. We left early to avoid more embarassment. Oh the shame.

i see red
I just heard the shower caddy in my bathroom fall on the floor. My OCD tendencies are luring me away from this computer toward the disorder in the bathroom, but I will resist. Why am I posting twice in a day? A few reasons: one, I'm obsessed with my wireless connection and love surfing the web while in my bed. Two, because I realized that the past three posts have been void of any thought-provoking, Christ-centered content. The whole point of keeping one of these overplayed blogs is to make it different, insightful and more entertaining than just a laundry list of the things that are currently occupying my time. My point of writing again, I suppose, is to break the cycle of whiny, irrelevant posts and return to the days when I actually had a good story to tell...

Sometimes the kids I work with beat the crap out of me -- figuratively, of course. It's not like those punks knowingly cause me to choose "Killing my softly" as my anthem of the moment, but it's scary to see them learn the art of manipulation. From saying things like, "I'm going to tell my mom and she's going to get you fired" to "You're not respecting me now, so I'm not going to respect you", they've learned how to say the things that will make "adults" (as I sometimes call myself) take a step back. Most of the time, they don't even know how loaded their words are -- they just know that they can use them to "get" us. These are the times when I wish I had been more mischievous as a child and therefore would know how to react, instead of just looking shocked and then giving the "You annoy me" look. What's sadder than seeing these kids growing up too fast, is knowing that their environment, whether it's their screwed up family life or their dysfunctional pre-pubescent relationships, is fostering their warped view of the world.

I guess now would be a good opportunity to tell a story about one of my students. Unfortunately, I feel like there's no one story to explain this and I'm not in a place to write something insightful about the kids without becoming frustrated or disheartened. Let's just say that there are times when I look into the faces of the kids I work with and see a glowing white light. Then there are times when all I see is red.

cable, part two
Jane and I joyfully discovered that we have an abridged version of cable on Monday night. It only goes up to channel 38 (so no MTV :( ) but the picture is clear and I get channel 3 & 7 (Friends, Scrubs and Alias - yeah!) and those are the really important stations. I guess not getting every channel makes it alright that I'm not actually paying for it. Ha, ha, Comcast... gotcha.

internet
Ah technology. I just spent over two hours trying to set up my DSL modem and wireless router on my roommate's computer. I finally called Netgear to figure out why the wireless router wouldn't connect. It turns out that I had to put my password PLUS @sbcglobal.net to log into the router. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. However, now I'm writing this from my living room on a completely wireless laptop. Ahhhh. So I don't have cable -- at least I have the internet.

cable
Representatives from Comcast came to my door last week asking if my cable was working. Technically we don't get cable, but my roommate had a switch and cables from her old apartment and with the help of our trusty VCR, we hooked up the cable lines. Anyway, I foolishly showed the comcast reps my tv and then they tried to get me to sign up for cable. I said no, I'd rather they just disconnect the lines. They refused. One of the reps even asked to speak to the "head of the household". Um, EXCUSE ME!? This enraged me even more. I refused and kept arguing with the condescending rep that I was not signing anything. If he had just said to me, "Look lady, we know you've been stealing cable from us and we're either going to disconnect it or make you pay" I would have said, okay dude, what's the price like? But instead, they were really sneaky about it, and basically were not up front. Despite the fact that we had cable (which we really didn't since we had to manuever through the vcr), which I know was not the most honest way of doing things, I felt that these representatives were so rude and disrespectful and UNPROFESSIONAL that I didn't even want to consider signing up with them. They finally convinced me that signing it would not do anything and I signed the stupid paper. That night, when I glanced at the sheet again, it had a price written on it! They had tricked me! I called and cancelled the service and complained and they cleared my account. Two days ago, I received a bill for the services that I had cancelled! Meanwhile, my cable had been cut. So now, I'm being charged for services that I don't even have.

I am boycotting Comcast cable. Those jerks don't deserve my money. Is there another option? I hate corporate monopolies.

ouch
I've only cried in front of my students a few times. This week brought the count up to three, which is shameful considering that I am almost 25 and should be able to control my emotions. I have reverted back to the hormonal state of a 13-year-old. The students are horrible to each other and to the staff. I know they are really self-centered and are developmentally at the age where they are extremely self-aware and react out of insecurity. It's still hard to see them tear everyone down.

I feel pretty defeated and uneffective. I know that they are a bundle of contradictions and that they often say things to push buttons and cause conflict, but it's still hard to hear them criticize the things you do for them. I guess this is what being a parent is like, to an extent. Half of the time I'm muttering to myself, If I had a kid who reacted like that, I'd... I'm being really vague about what happened this week, but it's too complicated to explain. I'll just say that I felt at times during this week, the kids were ripping me a new one. I hope you know what that means. It wasn't pretty.

happy...
Easter? Actually, It's more like happy Jesus-is-Risen day. Isn't "Easter" a pagan holiday? Anyway, it's days like these when I remember how I fail to celebrate Jesus's birth and resurrection on a daily basis.

movie plug
Go see Better Luck Tomorrow. This is my plug for the movie. To read a really good reason why you should watch it, check out www.angryasianman.com.

my tv commentary
I try and refrain from commenting on tv shows as I know that's the focal point of many of my friends' blogs, however, I wanted to share some thoughts on two of my favorite shows.

The West Wing
I don't get to watch this show as much as I would like, however whenever I do, I always end up sighing and wiping the mist away from my eyes. President Barlet, you are cool. C.J., you are so smart and articulate. *Sigh*... POOF! I wake up from the dream that is The West Wing and realize that I live in the real United States, not Aaron Sorkin's NBC version. And then I realize that we're in a war that half of the world doesn't support, a good number of American's don't agree with and revisiting the Imperialist mentality that has made the United States beloved by terrorists the world over. *big sigh*

Alias
Jennifer Garner kicks some serious butt in the coolest show. And she's pretty attractive in a girl-next-door-who-could-kick-my-butt sort of way. And of course, I'm not even going to expound on the hotness that is Michael Vartan. But now that she's getting a divorce, I feel like it kinda lessens her coolness factor, at least in my eyes. I hope it's not the "I'm married to a guy in the biz and we're super happy until I become the hottest new thing around town" scenario. I just hope she doesn't start going out with all these skeezy celebs and then end up in a series of bad relationships where her skank factor sky-rockets. Please don't do it Jennifer!