see me jump through hoops for you..
"I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me. I am extraordinary. I am just your ordinary, average, everyday, sane/psycho super-goddess." -- "Extraordinary" (Track #1)

I've been listening to Liz Phair's newest CD on and off lately. Track #1 is one of those songs that you sing in the car to yourself or in the shower or when you're mad. It's a good stress-reliever. With the GRE test looming, I'm feeling a lot of tension so listening to this CD while I study makes me feel like I can kick butt. Sometimes, I imagine that the GRE is the subject of this song. So when the song goes "See me jump through hoops for you, you stand there watching me performing, what exactly do you do? Have you ever though it's you who's boring. Who the hell are you?" I imagine I am singing this song to the GRE (personified, of course). Then I get a little fiesty and it helps me through the practice tests.

my day
Punctuality is one of the things I truly love about others and myself. However, this morning I experienced an am/pm alarm clock snafu and ended up waking up on my own at 8:20 am instead of to the alarm at 6:30 am. I had 10 minutes to get ready and make it to San Jose state for the workshops that I help facilitate. Of course I was late, but I made a great effort, yelling at traffic and running through the campus in my boots and "professional dress". I made it in time to hear the end of the introductions and to make my apologies for being late (I harped on them all week to make sure they gave themselves time for traffic, parking, etc.). I hate the feeling of waking up late and having to rush out the door without showering or preparing myself for the day. It always makes me feel icky.

Our workshop today was on community organizing. The two AFL-CIO reps who came as guest speakers really made me excited about the work they do. I kept thinking of Sally Field in that one movie about union organizing. "Si Se Puede!" was at the tip of my tongue several times during the workshop.

my dual blogging personalities
It's been awhile since I've posted and I've been feeling the pressure of not posting. Okay, so no one's been asking me to post, I guess I just know that there are people who actually read this stupid thing and my journalistic instinct is to keep people informed, even when I'd rather not. I guess this is why I didn't want to start this dumb thing in the first place. It creates this weird inner struggle between my journalistic side where I want everyone to read, enjoy and be thoroughly engrossed in my writing and the other, more private and neurotic side of me that says this blog is too personal and too much of a responsibility. This is why I've only told like a few people about this blog. The irony is that I have a sneaking suspicion there are many people who read this who have no friggin idea who I am. Like you guys who read this and live on the east coast. I don't know you. And some weirdo in Alaska. I don't know you either.

Okay, okay, I'm scaring myself and probably alienating all of my loyal readers. Just kidding, I didn't mean it. I don't care who you are, just keep reading. I mean, I care who you are, but... oh, nevermind.

communication and stuff
A large part of my job is to set up training sessions for the Americorps members in my program. Today we had a workshop on communication that turned out to be this huge philosophical conversation around what it means when we communicate. Here are few things to crunch on:
* I am the expert of my intentions and you are the experts of my impact.
* Using "I" statements means that we take ownership of our feelings and opinions (ex. When you go to the store and you feel uncomfortable when you see those weird.... vs. When I go to the store, I feel uncomfortable when I see those weird...) even though sometimes it feels like you're trying to relate your experience to others
* When in conversation, we should be listening FOR each other, not simply listening to each other

During this training, a few of my old cohorts from my Americorps year came by the office. One of them spent a year doing the program in the mountains of Colorado. We sat down to talk and he was totally overcome by emotion. He's still processing his intense experience over there and it was so crazy to see him struggle with this. It was an intense experience for me as I didn't really know how to support him. It was also intense because I've spent this week supporting another friend who was going through some stuff.

Phew, this week has been so intense on so many levels.

post-election stress disorder
This election has given me a new outlook on the bay area. While I will always say that my hometown is the best place to be, I really appreciate the progressive nature of this area.

Just to add some humor to the situation...In a recent totally-biased-Bay-area-is-better news story from sfgate.com, the phrase "Shock and Awe" was part of it's title. I'm glad this time, we're using the phrase to accurately represent the situation. In the story, a guy said that he had post-election stress disorder. Me too, man. Me too.

mourning
Stop laughing. I know all of you California-haters are laughing at us. Please don't rub more salt in our open wound. Giants aside, this week has been a sad day in the history of my beloved state. I spent 4 years in college trying to prove to all of my friends that California was a bit of paradise. I even planned a trip so that 20 of my closest pals could experience 80 degree weather in January. When my friends were considering where to go to grad school or residency, I tried to woo them with good Asian food and palm trees. Now, I hang my head in shame. This recall election has shaken my belief in the California that I loved and missed when I was at NU. I suppose moving up to the progressive bay area (where 62% of us said NO on the recall) and working in non-profits insulated me from realizing how IDIOTIC we can be. Why, California, why?

My one consolation: Prop 54 bombed. Nice try Ward Connolly, or should I say, Mr. Crazy Man?

a whole lotta nothin'
I should be heading off to sleep right now, but I'm not feeling tired. I have a lot of work to do when I get into the office tomorrow morning, but I'm really trying not to stress myself out when I'm not in the office. This is the new worry-free me! Plus there are other things to stress about -- namely, the recall election. Because of some bad timing issues and confusion with my address (as it's always changing), I may not be able to vote. This sucks because I'm very ANTI-RECALL and a definitely NO on prop 54. I feel like so many people will vote just because it's exciting to vote, not because it's part of their civic duty. Thus, we'll be getting tons of idiots who think it's cool to vote for the terminator. I know that all of you who live in other states are laughing at us right now. Yes, go ahead. My laughter is mixed with tears.

Speaking of tears, I'm currently mourning (no tears, as "There's no crying in baseball") the Giants' loss to the Marlins. Some people blame a certain player with the last name starting with a C and ending with a RUZ JR. I can't say since I wasn't able to watch all of the games. It's a pretty big deal when I, Wai-Ling, become sad because of sports. The Ironman Triathlon made me teary, but it was only because of those inspirational stories. Hey, stop laughing at me.

There are a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. I will spare you the details since this post is filled with so many extraneous thoughts. I should just go to sleep now.

through a colored lens
My new part time job is a lot of work. But at the same time, I enjoy the work I'm doing and I know that I'm being taken care of professionally and personally at this new place. It's also an awesome organization that played a huge role in bringing me where I am today. Anyway, I digress.

These past few days have been filled with meetings after meetings, leaving me with little time to do actual work on planning Friday's training. Despite this fact, the meetings were filled with opportunities for me to learn a lot about my job. Something that struck me: At one point during one of the meetings, I looked at the 7 other people around me and realized that I was sitting around a table with all people of color. This meeting was with the rest of the staff, two VPs of our organization, as well as the Executive Director and Associate Director of another non-profit that we're partnering with. While I dislike calling people who aren't of European descent "colored" people (because we all have color in our skin for goodness sake!), this was the only way to accurately describe the make-up of this group of important community builders. It was really an amazing experience for me.

Why did this observation make a difference to me? Well, what makes this significant is that one, most of the people who make things happen in organizations are old white men. [Yes, even old white men rule non-profits.] Secondly, the people sitting around me weren't all of one race/ethnicity, but a mix which represented the make up of this area. It was also a profound moment because most of the organizations I had worked with in the past (for and non-profit) were a majority white. This was the first time I could sit around a table with people of color who were in positions to make things happen. It struck me as a profound moment of seeing the table not just of people in specific roles representing our respective organizations, but as people of color, with personal and collective histories and a deep investment in our community. Wow.

advice from an occasionally bad driver
This morning I stopped by Walgreens to drop off some film. On the way there, I had to manuever through traffic to get to the store, cutting in front of cars to get over to the left turn lane. As I was pulling to a stop in the left turn lane, a car drives by and a guy yells "HO!" out the window to me... um, okay. Yes, I understand that my turn into the left lane stopped the 5 MPH traffic for about 1 second. I understand that it slowed the momentum going through the light. I know that morning rush hour traffic sucks. But the guy still got through the signal. He lost maybe 2 seconds from his commute. RELAX, dude.

I guess what bugs me a lot is when people shout out names to me when they don't like my driving. I admit that I'm not the best driver. In fact, I fully admit that sometimes I do stupid things. But it's unnecessary to call me expletives out of frustration. Instead of the usual female dog comment, I would prefer that people yell out more helpful comments like, "Hey lady, drive slower, there are kids here!" When a paranoid lady shouted this phrase at me in a parking lot, I listened up and took her feedback. Another time, a guy shouted out, "Use your turn signal!" Even though I decided that his feedback was not necessary (as there was only one way to turn and he was just impatient), at least I could yell back, "It's not necessary, you fool!" Okay, so I didn't do this, but I could have. My point is, that if you must yell out in frustration, please provide helpful info and don't just call them names. They're not going to understand if you call them names. Especially when you're yelling out comments that have nothing to do with driving. I suppose that guy assumed that my bad driving was a result of my sexual history. How am I supposed to respond to that comment? I guess one response might be: "Wow, I'm glad he used the "Ho's are bad drivers" principle in judging my driving skills. I wasn't familiar with this generalization, but now that I'm aware, I better shape up or else people will think I'm easy. Geez, thanks sir!"

movin' on
My time working with middle school students ended this Friday. It was very anti-climatic as no one was really around and my other co-worker (who will be leaving on Monday) was on the phone when I packed up my things and left the office. I didn't expect fanfare; my exit actually reflects the way I felt about the organization. My boss is not the most organized person and so she spent this past week training other staff and didn't have time to schedule in my exit interview or anything remotely close to a final goodbye. I guess it's really not the final goodbye as they've messed up my final paychecks and I have to sort out this minor mess next week.

My co-worker who's also leaving thinks it's incredibly ironic that my new job is part-time AND pays me more. It's also fairly ironic that I'm going to be doing the training and learning curriculum for the Americorps members -- ironic because we struggled with getting properly trained in our Americorps position this past year. It's exciting to return as part of the staff at the Americorps program I was a part of two years ago. One of the AC members is actually an old friend of my high school friend (whom I remember when she was in high school and I was in college!). Weird.

I am trying to spend this weekend relaxing and vegging out. I hope this is the first step in starting to take care of my health and balancing my life. It's amazing how my health has deteriorated this past year. Besides losing a fair amount of weight, I'm actually starting to get wrinkles and bags under my eyes. Let's not even talk about the rest of my health issues. Yes, I'm 25, but no, I refuse to look like I'm turning 80 soon. I'm moving forward, trying to let God take my life and lead it. This year's theme: Submission.

my official quarter-life crisis begins right.. now
Despite having a holiday on Monday, this week felt like a stinking long week. It began with putting in my two weeks notice to my boss on Tuesday. I spent the rest of the week reassuring myself that quitting my job without an immediate prospect lined up was the right thing to do. My mom kept reminding me that I not only needed to take care of grad school plans, but also take care of myself. I felt good about my decision and saying good-bye to a job that provided a lot of stress and amazing kid-related stories, but not much sanity. On the other hand, I was nervous because I kept thinking about the kids I'd leave behind and the feeling that I hadn't been "tough enough" to stick through it. At the same time, I realized that my job was never set up for me to stay longer. There was no incentive except for the kids, who will be well taken care of by the staff that I helped hire. So, yeah, I quit my job. Oh goodness, I quit my job.

But the story didn't end there, because God is always good. I interviewed with my old Americorps agency to be on their staff. It had been three weeks and they kept pushing back their decision because of various reasons. I wasn't counting on the job, but I still prayed like crazy about it. I actually put off quitting, but realized that regardless of this new job prospect, I needed to get out. Anyway, today, they called me and gave me the best birthday present I could have received --- a new job! So even though I faithfully quit my current job because I needed to take care of myself, God still provided. This time, I'll be working part time and making slightly more than I did when I worked like a dog and made close to nothing. Thanks Lord, you hooked it up real good.

Can you handle another blessing? The car insurance company is going to pay me a fat load for my totaled car.... fat, meaning that they're appraising the car for MORE than I bought it. He he. Sometimes I don't know whether to cry from sadness or gratefulness. Most of the time my tears flow for both.

Once again, some verses to sum up what's been going on:
"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's" -- Psalm 103: 2-5

gulp
i did it. i just quit my job. more on this later.

a silver 2003 honda civic EX
I almost passed out earlier this evening. It might have been the fact that I was hungry... or maybe it was because I became a CAR OWNER today. After some negotiating (and help from friend who knew the fleet manager at a dealership), I signed my name to my very own vehicle. The process was pretty informal as the sales person was a friend of my friend. However when it came time to sign the papers, I stopped breathing and felt light-headed as I signed at the dotted line. I am an adult!

update
I spent a week as a camp counselor for a bay area KUMC youth camp. One of the kids in my small group was Chinese. He became my homeboy instantly. The kids were shocked that I was 10 years older than they were (they assumed I was 19). Some of the boys called me Ah-juh-mah. I took advantage of my seniority to make them do stuff for me. I also bonded with my Chinese sister-who-goes-to-a-Korean-church. Hurrah for fellow left-handed Cantonese ladies.

God hooked it up for me while I was away. While I was at camp, the car insurance peeps called my parents and told them that my messed up car was not worth fixing and were going to assess the market value pre-crash to determine how large a check they're going to cut me. Yay, sort of. Being away at camp was really healthy for me because I barely thought about my janked up car and my janked up circumstances. It was a good - though completely exhausting - break from my reality.

Okay, that's it. I'm stinkin tired. I slept 12 hours on Friday night and 9 last night... and I'm still pooped.

another drama
Wednesday night I was driving home from celebrating a friend's birthday. I was pulling up to a light behind a car when all of a sudden a car crashes into me from behind sending my car straight into the one in front of me. Yes, folks, I was in an accident. But following in the footsteps of the random crap that has happened to me in the past few years, this was no ordinary rear-end. After the sucka hit my car, the guy hopped out of his car, ran across the other side of the expressway in oncoming traffic, jumped a fence and took off, leaving his broke down car. Meanwhile I'm sitting in my car, which is now attached to the underside of a Ford Explorer, in shock, thinking WHAAATTTTTT???????? A man who witnessed the accident from a few cars behind came over and started asking me questions (What day is it? Are you okay?) while I blubbered answers to him through my sobs. [Did I mention that I got this new car in October?] The ambulance came and said that I was okay but I needed to see my doctor (by this time I was practically hyperventilating). WHY DOES THIS CRAP KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

I'm pretty sore and the doctor said I'd be okay (although you never know with Kaiser). My car is a total loss. I don't know if the CHP officers have caught that sucka, which might have been racing with another car when he plowed into me. I'm thankful that I'm still alive and relatively well. I cannot shake the fact that unfortunate things keep happening to me. My mom keeps saying that God is telling me something. I agree, I just don't know what he's telling me.

my day
My back is sore from sitting on my uncomfortable-yet-stylish Ikea sofa. I never noticed that it wasn't a very cushy sofa until today since I spent over 8 hours lounging around on it. I love the time off and it has given me a lot of time to reflect and rest... and watch Surprise By Design on the Discovery Channel -- one of my top 5 favorite home make-over reality shows.

Today I killed a fat spider in my dining area. It was hanging on a t-shirt hanging from my table. I screamed, it fell on the carpet and then raced toward the wall. I grabbed a folding bar stool and pinned it to the wall. The little bugger is still stuck in between the stool and wall as I haven't gotten up the nerve to discard the carcass.

That was my day.

back to reality tv and friendster
The Restaurant is the most exciting reality show on tv right now. There are no "confessionals" or intereviews where they cry because they just broke up with their boyfriend... again. It's pure action, reality tv style. From eavesdropping on customers bashing the food (and then complementing Rocco's mom) to watching the prima donna wait staff get booted off, this show is by far more exciting than Who Wants to Marry My Dad or even the OG reality show, Real World (which is, let's face it, getting pretty old). I'm addicted to watching Rocco and his staff putting out fires (both figuratively and literally).

On another note, don't you hate it when people whom you were never really friends with try and add you to their friendster list? If you don't recognize them as a "friend" and hit no, then you'd be rude, right? At the same time, you have to wonder if they just adding you to pad their list so they seem like they have tons of friends? I mean, this has never happened to me, just thought I'd ask ;)

taking a break
I'm taking an informal sabbatical this week. There were many signs that I was becoming burnt out from my job... constant complaints about my job, purposely calling in "sick" and instead going shopping with my roommate or sister, regular crying episodes in front of my co-workers. So I threw in the crying card with my boss's boss (you can't say no to an employee who cries) and got a week off of work.

This week I'm supposed to be thinking about how I want to change my work situation and/or deal with it. And yeah, I'm doing that. At the same time, I realize that my job is a lost cause and that all I want to do is sit on my veranda and sip fruity drinks (if I had a veranda, anyways). I also spend a lot of time thinking about all of those characters in books and movies who are complete slackers yet have still managed to find their way to success. Okay, these people are mostly made up or exaggerated, but I'm sure there are people out there like that.

Blah, quarter-life crisis rears its ugly head once again.

share in my GRE woes
Death By Standardized Testing

just like kix
All through my childhood and adolescence, I was always the perfect friend... in the eyes of my friends' parents. They considered me a "good influence" on their little monsters. Back then I was a straight A-student, quiet, respectful and to top it off, my mom was a teacher -- the ultimate qualification for a perfect friend. I was invited to all of the birthday parties of the girls in my class and most of the parents invited me for play dates with their daughters... I was the golden child. I could do no wrong in their eyes. In fact, I may have even been able to save their precious ones from the evil girls who like to chase boys during recess (I of course, did not engage in that sort of activity, but that's a story for another post).

On the other hand, my so-called "friends" (aka the girls whose mom invited me to play) thought otherwise. In 2nd grade I remember going over to Kristin Thompson's house (a huge house in PV - aka where the rich people live) and being ignored the entire afternoon. Was I not fun to play house with? Were my brown velcro shoes not up to par with her white ballet shoes? Was I not anglo enough? The answer to these questions was probably a huge fat yes. Being the "chosen one" among the parents in my class did not make me popular with the little girls who took baton-twirling class on tuesdays, horseback riding lessons on thursday and had their own mini custom-made house in their backyards. The fact is, I wasn't fun. I was just there to make their moms feel better. And the worse part about it was that I knew it and so did the girls.

This pattern continued throughout my adolescence. However, now I wasn't just a good influence, I was the trend-setter. I remember my best friends in 6th grades both got their ears pierced within a few months after I got mine. It wasn't that they saw my little golden studs and wanted to copy me. It was that they went home to their parents saying, "See, even Wai-Ling got her ears pierced. Why can't I?" To which their parents replied, "Oh, if Wai-Ling got her ears pierced, then it MUST be okay." Yes, I'm mother-approved.

But it didn't even stop there. Flash forward to college. One of the summers I was home, I went to a shady club on Sunset Blvd. because a friend's Smashing-Pumpkins-inspired band had landed a gig there. I ran into a friend whom I knew in elementary school (we had gone to different high schools); his mom was the music teacher at my mom's school. A few days later, my mom mentioned that the music teacher had mentioned that her son ran into me at a club. The other teacher said something to the effect of: "I was afraid of my son going to places like that, but since Wai-Ling was there..."

Yes, I only engage in wholesome activities and if I am there, it means that the place is mom-friendly and suitable for your child as well. Yes, I am just like those crispy corn-puffs: kid-tested, mother approved.

a new addiction
can't stop... watching... reality shows... must... not... be...manipulated...ugh, it's futile. I've succumbed to the reality show madness. And it's not a pretty sight.

like a school reunion, only without the awkward conversation
You ever wonder what happened to that girl in college that all the guys drooled over? Or do you ever have a fleeting memory of that guy in high school that was in all of your AP classes? I have. This is precisely why friendster ROCKS. Even though the website has become so slow due to all the traffic, it hasn't stopped me from searching through the 100,000+ people I'm connected to (through my mere 13 so-called friends) for those random acquaintances.

What makes this site so ridiculously fun are the photos. My latest discovery was a classmate from high school who was in all of my ap classes, played games on the TI-85 like it was an X-box and hung out with the rest of the geeks from the french club. I definitely respected him as a fellow over-achiever and high school nerd. When I found him on friendster, I barely recognized him. Besides the fact that he now lives on the east coast and dates hot men, I also got a great view of his washboard abs (oh yes, he included a picture of them). Ahhhh, friendster.

This ingenius site also allows me to check out figures from my past without actually having to contact them directly. I can still remain anti-social while finding out who's doing what and where. It's the lazy person's way of reconnecting, without really connecting. Yes, it's probably not the healthiest pasttime, but it's efficient in that I don't have to get off my couch and pretty myself up to see old friends or acquaintances whom I'm not really going to develop any long-term relationship with. So it's really the most practical answer to the question, "I wonder what ever happened to...?"

freed
It's true that when you finally throw up your hands and ask God to do His work, He does. Today my executive director said that because of Americorps funding issues and other paperwork, I will not be held responsible for the botched payroll paperwork. Yes, this means I have been freed from my indentured servitude to the Y. It's a miracle because I spent most of last week depressed, as I explored my options (getting a starbucks-type job to pay off my current job, paying off the debt and moving home, etc.) and realized that I was screwed. Howeverf, I spent this week in intense play with 4-6th graders as a part of my servitude. I haven't had the opportunity to rest, let alone think about my financial situation. It's amazing how God takes care of things when you're not even looking. *sigh*

the r word
I think the kids in my team know how to make me mad. Last week one of the kids i have a love-hate relationship with, called me racist. WHAT!?? I promptly made him take a time out and go speak to the program director. Uh-huh. You do NOT call me racist. On Wednesday, I was with a different team of kids and another guy called me racist because I was making him sit out (and therefore, being too critical of him because he's part ASIAN!) I had a long talk with him and later on, he realized the error of his ways and "retracted" his statement.

What is up with this? Do I exude the anti-racist vibe? I almost lost my cookies when they said these things. I think what bothers me the most is that they use this statement only to express their frustration. I don't even think these kids realize that racism still exists and instead, use the term as a way to express how something is unfair to them. If nothing else, I hope they understand that this claim must be used carefully in anger. I can't wait to see what they pull on me this week.

HP5
I purchased my copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night. My friends and I arrived at Barnes and Noble at around midnight to a line, wrapped around the building and no parking spaces. Once we made it to the front of the line inside the store, we received a sticker with a letter of the alphabet attached. We had to hang out in the store until our number was called. Then we got to stand in yet another line to wait to get the book. I almost passed out in the spirituality aisle waiting for the letter M to be called. It was madness. I was so tired that when I got home at around 2am, I just dumped the book, still in the bag, on the floor of my bedroom.

Was it worth it? Well, let me put it this way: This morning there was a knock at the door. Since I've decided that I will no longer answer an unexpected knock (Who knows if it's the cable company or someone wanting me to learn about dianetics?), I didn't rush to the door. A few minutes later, I opened the door and found a box on our doorstep. The package was for my roommate from Amazon.com... and yes, you guessed it, it was HP5. This is when waved my fist and I asked myself, "Why did you stay up so late and wait in those long lines to get a book you could have gotten the next morning delivered to your doorstep?" So back to the question... the answer? No, not really. The book is still sitting on my floor and now I'm just really tired.

yet another post from another angst-ridden 20-something wondering why her life is so hard *sigh*
"What we have before us are some breathtaking opportunities disguised as insoluble problems." -- John Gardner, in a 1965 speech.

Yes, I've resorted to using quotes instead of my own words to describe what has been going on in my life. Lately I've been at a loss to describe some of the challenges that have been put before me. And part of me is ashamed for being so self-indulgent about these problems as I know that there are people out there who face larger issues in their lives. I suppose my seemingly "insoluble problems" are nothing in comparison with real conflicts that others face all over the world (i.e. Poverty, war and death).

So I guess this quote doesn't really fit my problems, rather, it fits my perspective on my problems. And I guess it's appropriate for this blog... Well, I suppose blogs are just spaces for us to be really self-indulgent while pretending to expound on the ways of the world and the woes of being 20-something. (As I place the back of my hand on my forehead and sigh dramatically). Am I renouncing the blog as simply a tool to express one's psychosis? Well, yes... and no. Yes, because I recognize that sometimes, I am crazy and I need a place to get rid of the crazies. No, because I am not only crazy, but a frustrated journalist who needs some place to keep her writing skills sharp.

While I'm at it, does that mean that this post I just wrote is even more self-indulgent because of the fact that I'm aware at the nature of blogging? Ai-yah, I will stop now.

do i really want to rake the muck?
As a journalism major, there's one section in every publication that I can't get enough of: the masthead. This is the page with the list of editors, contributing writers and people who do neat stuff to the magazine and make it look good. Of course, the "contributing editors" page where they feature the guest writers and their nifty bios is also another favorite of mine. One of the first things I do when I buy a new periodical is to scan the cover for bylines. Next, I flip carefully through the annoying ads at the beginning, making sure I don't skip a page with text. Then I flip to the list of names. I stop to scan the list, hoping (and dreading) that I will see a name of a former classmate from j-school or a friend of a friend who does the freelance thang. Then I let out a sigh and move on.

I think this obsession - yes, I'll admit it - is not so healthy. I don't think I do this to actually find my j-school buddies (in reality, most of my j-school buddies hated journalism and ended up pursuing consulting or PR), but I guess as sort of a masochistic desire to remind myself of my perceived failure to become the brilliant journalist that everyone thought I'd become.

Why bring this up? I was just reading the bios for a new Asian American magazine and I recognized two classmates from journalism school, both with impressive bios. Feelings of envy, regret and bitterness surfaced. Then I though, "Hey, why not post this up on blogger? Angst is always good fodder for a blog entry." (Sarcasm is good fodder also.)

So yes, I'll shout it out to the world (or rather, I'll type it out so my 7 friends can read it): I feel like a journalism failure.

I know you all gasped. It's true, folks. I could go on, but I won't. I realize that this feeling of failure is often momentary as I like to push it into the deep caverns of my mind, where it can stew and simmer until the next time I read a well-respected periodical.

delicious ambiguity
"I wanted a perfect ending... Now, I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." -- Gilda Radner.

ode to minsoo
It's been three years since minsoo and I decided to "go steady". For all of you who thought that this wouldn't last, I just want to let you know that the minsoo years (as I like to call our dating period) have been quite amazing. It's been amazing because I'm amazed that minsoo has been able to stay with me despite my 6 moves, 3 jobs, lots of crying on the phone, 1 ceiling caving in and a number of other catastrophes that has plagued "the minsoo years." He's been super supportive and has gone above and beyond the call of boyfriend duty so many times. He's woken up at 6am on Christmas morning to help me organize a meals on wheels delivery, created CDs for me at the drop of a hat, delivered food when I'm working late and been at almost everyone one of the events for the kids I work with (even trying the homemade brownies they made).

Anyway, it has been three long years. I'm glad I've had minsoo by my side.

forgot the party favor, too
Chicago was a whirlwind of friends, weddings (both the one I attended and talk of future plans for my pals) and no sleep. Minsoo and I stayed up late with pals and then took a two hour nap before heading to O'Hare to catch a 6am flight home. My head is sort of spinning, both from the lack of sleep and from the conversations I had this weekend. I'll fill you in when I get some shut-eye.

trouble finds me
Just when I think trouble has passed me by... After today's graduation, the program director and the executive director needed to meet with me. Uh oh. They were doing some housecleaning and noticed an error in my paperwork -- a payroll error. Apparently, my paperwork said I was making more money than I was supposed to... or at least that's what the person who typed in my salary thought I was making. So, for the past 8 months, I've been paid a salary for 10K more than what I'm slated to make. Now, I'm $7,800 in debt to my employer. Yes, you read it right. I've taken out a loan and I didn't even know it. There's really no course of action for me to take, unless I want to quit my job and sue them for this money (which is not even worth it).

What is going on?!

I keep pinching myself because I feel as if I'm in some movie or tv show about the misadventures of a mid-20s woman. Quarter-life crisis? Most definitely.

green mill, anyone?
Friday I'm heading off to Chicago for a friends' wedding where I'll get to see some good ol' college friends, a few of whom are planning to tie the knot. What's up with all of this wedding stuff? Over here on the west coast I have very few friends in relationships, let alone married. Anyway, I'm slightly worried about our accomodations as minsoo and I are currently without any, however, I'm super excited to spend some good times with my friends from college. Chicago, here I come!

My program ends on Thursday! Graduation is tomorrow... I'm almost done for the year. I can almost taste it. Can't wait to get rid of those stinkin' kids.

trainwreck phenomenon
Being a third-party observer in other people's relationships or decision-making is often like watching a trainwreck. You see it coming, but you can't do anything about it -- you know it's going to happen, and you can't help but watch. This is called the trainwreck phenomenon. I can see it coming. Things might get ugly.

At what point should you intervene? Or should you not intervene because it may be their decision to make? Hm.

countdown
The countdown is on. Only three more days of program left. The students have been beyond disrespectful to each other and to the staff. All I hear out of their mouths are complaints and criticism, despite our repeated attempts at making our program more "fun" in their eyes. Now I have merely a glimpse of what God feels like when we demand his blessings yet fail to recognize that he is doing just that.

We're thinking of cancelling the celebration that is supposed to commemorate the kids' "graduation" from our leadership program because they don't act like they are leaders. Suppose God cancelled heaven because he felt we were mean to each other and had proven that we didn't learn anything on earth. That would be scary.

listen up parents
Another kick-me-in-the-fill-in-the-blank day. The police had to escort one of our kids to a shelter because of some really bad jail-bait-like stuff. Meanwhile, the other kids are rioting and being the horrible little beasts that make me want to quit. We seriously considered cancelling program tomorrow.. and for the rest of the semester. I believe that you can see true goodness in children, however they are often honest -and sometimes heartbreaking- reflections of society. Some of the hateful and manipulative things they say often shock me, but then I step back and realize that kids only mimic what they hear in real life. It also makes me sad to see the dangerous patterns they are developing. I can't really go into more details, but it makes me sick to see the relationship patterns that the girls are developing. It convinces me more and more that parents are the ones that have to really be a part of their kids lives. After school teachers, counselors and youth workers can only do so much. Parents -- take care of your kids. You brought them into this world, it's your responsibility.

grrrr
Parking my car tonight was like some bad flashback from my SF days: Roaming the streets again and again, trying to fit into parking spots too small, driving around muttering under my breath, calling minsoo to complain about how lame the parking is in the city. I finally parked in a spot where my car is a few centimeters in front of a driveway. I hope it doesn't get towed or ticketed... or worse, hit by cars getting out of the driveway. Parking hassles were just a small little annoyance that added to my crazy day. Tomorrow is the big WOW project where the little monsters I work with display their work. Today was minsoo's birthday. I was at work until 10:30 pm when I pulled myself away to meet him and a few others at a coffee place for 15 minutes. Oh and did I tell you that I made him help me make a CD cover for my kids tonight too? I'm a sucky, sucky girlfriend.

amendment
Alright, some people might object to calling X-men United a "waste" of money, but think about this -- is it necessary to see a movie like that on opening weekend (and helping the big production companies make more money) when there's another film that might actually make a difference for Asian Americans in film? Wait a weekend to see X-men and support a film that depends on YOU going to see it THIS weekend. So anyway, X-Men United isn't a waste of money, it's just that there are other films that you could run to the theater to see. X-Men United can wait. *steppin' off my soapbox*

show me the A.A. love
Come on now people, even my parents are supporting Asians in Film! Alright, so I know the 7 people who read this site also read minsoolove and other sites, but I just wanted to put in my two cents. My parents never go out to watch movies. I think the last movie they saw was one of those Disney films that I made them go see when I was a little kid. In the past few weeks, my parents have seen not ONE but TWO films -- in the theaters! The two films? Bend it Like Beckham and Better Luck Tomorrow. I'm proud to be called my parents' child right now. My parents keep it real in the rice fields. Props to Kenneth and Lydia!

So you movie foos who went to see X-Men United and The Real Cancun should cough up the dough to watch BLT and not complain about not wanting to "waste" money on movies. You already did.

vicarious intercession
Oswald Chambers rocks. Since the great disaster (i.e. the ceiling collasping in my apartment), I've been meaning to replace my edition of My Utmost For His Highest, a daily devotional written by Chambers around the turn of the century (the 20th century, I mean). He is super insightful and I am daily challenged by his words. I found his devotional online and so I've been trying to make it a daily habit.

From today's devotional entitled, "Vicarious Intercession":
"Am I stubborn or substituted? Am I spoiled or complete in my relationship to God? Am I irritable or spiritual? Am I determined to have my own way or determined to be identified with Him?"

Good but very tough questions.
check it out: www.gospelcom.com/rbc/utmost

desperation
Humiliation. We had to compete with the other YMCA summer camp programs for recruiting today at lunch. Our shabby flyers and sign paled in comparison with the slick videos, photo board, t-shirt and candy give aways from the other Y camp people. I resorted to flirting with 8th grade boys. We left early to avoid more embarassment. Oh the shame.

i see red
I just heard the shower caddy in my bathroom fall on the floor. My OCD tendencies are luring me away from this computer toward the disorder in the bathroom, but I will resist. Why am I posting twice in a day? A few reasons: one, I'm obsessed with my wireless connection and love surfing the web while in my bed. Two, because I realized that the past three posts have been void of any thought-provoking, Christ-centered content. The whole point of keeping one of these overplayed blogs is to make it different, insightful and more entertaining than just a laundry list of the things that are currently occupying my time. My point of writing again, I suppose, is to break the cycle of whiny, irrelevant posts and return to the days when I actually had a good story to tell...

Sometimes the kids I work with beat the crap out of me -- figuratively, of course. It's not like those punks knowingly cause me to choose "Killing my softly" as my anthem of the moment, but it's scary to see them learn the art of manipulation. From saying things like, "I'm going to tell my mom and she's going to get you fired" to "You're not respecting me now, so I'm not going to respect you", they've learned how to say the things that will make "adults" (as I sometimes call myself) take a step back. Most of the time, they don't even know how loaded their words are -- they just know that they can use them to "get" us. These are the times when I wish I had been more mischievous as a child and therefore would know how to react, instead of just looking shocked and then giving the "You annoy me" look. What's sadder than seeing these kids growing up too fast, is knowing that their environment, whether it's their screwed up family life or their dysfunctional pre-pubescent relationships, is fostering their warped view of the world.

I guess now would be a good opportunity to tell a story about one of my students. Unfortunately, I feel like there's no one story to explain this and I'm not in a place to write something insightful about the kids without becoming frustrated or disheartened. Let's just say that there are times when I look into the faces of the kids I work with and see a glowing white light. Then there are times when all I see is red.

cable, part two
Jane and I joyfully discovered that we have an abridged version of cable on Monday night. It only goes up to channel 38 (so no MTV :( ) but the picture is clear and I get channel 3 & 7 (Friends, Scrubs and Alias - yeah!) and those are the really important stations. I guess not getting every channel makes it alright that I'm not actually paying for it. Ha, ha, Comcast... gotcha.

internet
Ah technology. I just spent over two hours trying to set up my DSL modem and wireless router on my roommate's computer. I finally called Netgear to figure out why the wireless router wouldn't connect. It turns out that I had to put my password PLUS @sbcglobal.net to log into the router. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. However, now I'm writing this from my living room on a completely wireless laptop. Ahhhh. So I don't have cable -- at least I have the internet.

cable
Representatives from Comcast came to my door last week asking if my cable was working. Technically we don't get cable, but my roommate had a switch and cables from her old apartment and with the help of our trusty VCR, we hooked up the cable lines. Anyway, I foolishly showed the comcast reps my tv and then they tried to get me to sign up for cable. I said no, I'd rather they just disconnect the lines. They refused. One of the reps even asked to speak to the "head of the household". Um, EXCUSE ME!? This enraged me even more. I refused and kept arguing with the condescending rep that I was not signing anything. If he had just said to me, "Look lady, we know you've been stealing cable from us and we're either going to disconnect it or make you pay" I would have said, okay dude, what's the price like? But instead, they were really sneaky about it, and basically were not up front. Despite the fact that we had cable (which we really didn't since we had to manuever through the vcr), which I know was not the most honest way of doing things, I felt that these representatives were so rude and disrespectful and UNPROFESSIONAL that I didn't even want to consider signing up with them. They finally convinced me that signing it would not do anything and I signed the stupid paper. That night, when I glanced at the sheet again, it had a price written on it! They had tricked me! I called and cancelled the service and complained and they cleared my account. Two days ago, I received a bill for the services that I had cancelled! Meanwhile, my cable had been cut. So now, I'm being charged for services that I don't even have.

I am boycotting Comcast cable. Those jerks don't deserve my money. Is there another option? I hate corporate monopolies.

ouch
I've only cried in front of my students a few times. This week brought the count up to three, which is shameful considering that I am almost 25 and should be able to control my emotions. I have reverted back to the hormonal state of a 13-year-old. The students are horrible to each other and to the staff. I know they are really self-centered and are developmentally at the age where they are extremely self-aware and react out of insecurity. It's still hard to see them tear everyone down.

I feel pretty defeated and uneffective. I know that they are a bundle of contradictions and that they often say things to push buttons and cause conflict, but it's still hard to hear them criticize the things you do for them. I guess this is what being a parent is like, to an extent. Half of the time I'm muttering to myself, If I had a kid who reacted like that, I'd... I'm being really vague about what happened this week, but it's too complicated to explain. I'll just say that I felt at times during this week, the kids were ripping me a new one. I hope you know what that means. It wasn't pretty.

happy...
Easter? Actually, It's more like happy Jesus-is-Risen day. Isn't "Easter" a pagan holiday? Anyway, it's days like these when I remember how I fail to celebrate Jesus's birth and resurrection on a daily basis.

movie plug
Go see Better Luck Tomorrow. This is my plug for the movie. To read a really good reason why you should watch it, check out www.angryasianman.com.

my tv commentary
I try and refrain from commenting on tv shows as I know that's the focal point of many of my friends' blogs, however, I wanted to share some thoughts on two of my favorite shows.

The West Wing
I don't get to watch this show as much as I would like, however whenever I do, I always end up sighing and wiping the mist away from my eyes. President Barlet, you are cool. C.J., you are so smart and articulate. *Sigh*... POOF! I wake up from the dream that is The West Wing and realize that I live in the real United States, not Aaron Sorkin's NBC version. And then I realize that we're in a war that half of the world doesn't support, a good number of American's don't agree with and revisiting the Imperialist mentality that has made the United States beloved by terrorists the world over. *big sigh*

Alias
Jennifer Garner kicks some serious butt in the coolest show. And she's pretty attractive in a girl-next-door-who-could-kick-my-butt sort of way. And of course, I'm not even going to expound on the hotness that is Michael Vartan. But now that she's getting a divorce, I feel like it kinda lessens her coolness factor, at least in my eyes. I hope it's not the "I'm married to a guy in the biz and we're super happy until I become the hottest new thing around town" scenario. I just hope she doesn't start going out with all these skeezy celebs and then end up in a series of bad relationships where her skank factor sky-rockets. Please don't do it Jennifer!

a few nice packages
On Wednesday, I received two packages... one, was the check for $8,376.60 from the apartment management company (sent to my pseudo-lawyer) and the other, a package from St. Louis. St. Louis? Yes, I received Dandruff II. (read Kristina's 2/14 blog post for more details) Yes, Kristina, I will name it Dandruff II in honor of your suggestion when you gave me the first one. Alas, Snowflake is in the same "asbestos-free" bag with my toilet plunger. Thanks for the good times, my fluffy friend.

This weekend is all about cleaning out the asbestos/water-damaged bags and shopping. Can't wait. I can't believe it. Check out minsoolove.com for a special little animated thank you for my "lawyer.

in case you only watch cnn, fox, msnbc or abc
http://www.gospelcom.net/content/iraq/
http://www.ivcf.org/iraq
http://www.indybay.org
http://www.ncmonline.com
http://www.notinourname.net
Don't just take it from the corporate media...

my new best friend
Yes, they are finally paying up. The apartment management company faxed me (or rather, my pseudo lawyer Travis) a letter saying they're going to cough up the $8k+ that I had requested from them from the beginning. I couldn't believe it. When Travis called me to tell me the good news, I cried. I know it's not a huge sum of money and it's only been about 2 months, but it's been one of the most difficult times of my life. THANK GOD! These past few weeks, I really just gave it up, knowing that God would take care of it. Travis entered the picture and things just started rolling. I'm super grateful for his help and just the peace of mind from his involvement. He is my new best friend :)

On another note, I am against the war. I could go on, but I won't. Suddam is pure evil and needs to be gone, but... well, I won't go on. It makes me sad.

my friends are all growns up
I enjoy reading my friends' blogs. I love how everyone writes from a different perspective. From listening to tricialae's comments on marriage and reality tv (just because you pass the ethical exam, it doesn't mean people can't call you shady... shady... hehe) to Couscous's snow stories and tirades (i love you kristina!) to Beast's sports commentary (I have no idea what you write about) to Choochy's med school decisions, it's crazy to think about us all growing up. I can't believe that my friends are turning into doctors and lawyers (dude, you all gotta move to the west coast so I can get some quality health care and legal representation up in here). Everyone's gettin' all adult on me. That's ok. I'm keepin' it real on the westside, ain't no one gonna waste my flava. I'm just breakin' it down old school with my middle school peeps up in here. That's right, don't need no real job, makin' G's. Who cares about payin' bills?

Yesterday a student said that I reminded him of bologna. I said thank you. Career, pshaw. I don't need no stinkin' career.

can't afford the 'or
on the back of my deposit: "Endorsement of this check constitutes a full and final settlement of any all claims by payee against management or any other persons or firm relating to or arising out of payee(s) tenancy."

Um, I'm sorry, isn't this rightfully my money? Doesn't this money guarantee that I don't destroy my apartment? (Yes, destroying the apartment was their job.)

I received this check on the same day that my bank refused to give me money at the ATM, stating that I had insuffient funds. Yes, everyone, I have officially hit rock bottom. Yay, I'm broke!

I need my money, suckas.

"I'm so po', I can't afford the 'or"

bag #18..."these are a few of my favorite things..."
I spent Friday opening the bags that I had claimed were "salvageable" (read:not filled with asbestos or heavily water damaged). However, when I opened up a few of the bags, there was some fat mold growing on my kitchenware. UGH. Anyway, I've got about 30 more bags of junk (I've labeled every single bag by hand and inventories the contents... unfortunately most of it is going to be thrown away) in storage. I'm waiting for the stinkin' apartment management company to pay me my money before I open up the rest since I might be able to use those moldy bags as evidence in a lawsuit. Anyway, to respond to couscous's post, I'll share with you the contents of my favorite bag of ruined possessions:

Contents of bag #18:
1. Computer keyboard and mouse
2. Beautiful maroon silk pillows from China
3. "Herbert," My yellow stuff animal that I got from Jenn Tan in college
4. My domokun stuffed animal given to me by minsoo for v-day 2001
5. Totoro stuffed animal from minsoo, v-day 2002
6. Snowflake AKA "Dandruff" gund animal that I got from couscous
7. AND MY TOILET PLUNGER.

I might have considered trying to salvage this bag... Unfortunately the nincompoops who "cleaned" my apartment didn't think that packaging a toilet plunger next to my pillows and stuff animals would nullify any possible cleaning they could have done. Thanks guys. Good-bye Snowflake.

like a bad song
This morning I stopped off at starbucks for my usual fix (I've become an addict - thanks, minsoo) and when I returned to my car, I noticed some white marks on my bumper. I stopped in my tracks, grabbed some napkins and started scraping at the white scratches. Nooooooo, not my new car.

Why does it seem like my life is like a song with cheesy lyrics that always refer to having unfortunate things happen all the time? Am I a drama queen? Perhaps. Do ridiculous things seem to keep happening to me? Most definitely.

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." -- Colossians 3:2

On another note, here's another nugget of wisdom...

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." -- Colossians 4:5-6

fortune cookie
"You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily." *sigh.*

kids make me sad sometimes. but sometimes they make me smile
Kids... hate 'em and love 'em. I'll tell you Thomas's story when I get beyond this whole apartment mess. Read minsoo's extra page and find out why he's my new favorite student. (Sidenote: today he only told me hated me once!)

update
I spent this weekend taking inventory of my belongings (99% of which are in plastic bags) in the unit the apartment management company is "generously" offering us. I am of course getting out of that asbestos hole and moving into the complex my roommate currently lives in. I'm hoping I can hold my ground and demand my money -- I'm really nervous about speaking to the management company and not remembering my arguments for why they stinkin' should pay for replacing all my stuff... Lift up a prayer for me.

and did i mention the asbestos?
All of my belongings (including the dry items that I placed in another apartment in the unit) have been "quarantined" until they can come in and clean it all. I literally left the complex last night with only the clothes on my back. I had to visit a used clothing store and the ever-so helpful target to buy necessary items (including freakin' UNDERWEAR). I've surrounded myself with other people to try and keep the situation filled with humor, but everytime I'm by myself the tears start flowing. Lift up a prayer for me guys. It's been a rough weekend.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where theives break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." -- Matthew 6:19-21

it has to get a whole lot worse before it gets better...
And it did. Last night I arrived home and saw fire trucks in front of my apartment, yellow "do not cross" tape and firemen tearing up my ceiling. A water line broke in my apartment unit and flooded THE ENTIRE UNIT. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, almost everything I own was covered in water, ceiling debris and muck. I salvaged what I could (the firemen were quite nice after watching me sob for a few minutes) and left the rest for today. My mom was relieved to hear that I wasn't in the apartment when it happened, however, I'm still in shock from the sheer RIDICULOUSNESS of this situation. Let's revisit my journey post-graduation:

September, 2000: Move to Berkeley to live with friend whom I've know since age 9. Doh! I forgot how big of a flake she is.
December, 2000: Put in my 30-days to move out. Then I realize the apartment we have agreed to rent has major issues. Have 30 days to move out.
January, 2001: Move to San Leandro and into the most ghetto apartment complex ever with my flake of a roommate. Move in with some random guy who cordons off the living room to use as his bedroom. Sketchy? Definitely.
March, 2001: Move out of the ghetto and into apartment in SF with sister because I find out that my flaky roommate isn't allowed to live with guys and that she's been hiding this fact from her parents (and asked me to lie about it to her parents). Unfortunately, flaky roommate is too flaky to make arrangements for herself and I end up taking her into to live in my room.
July, 2001: She was supposed to have moved out of my room last month. Still here.
July, 2001: My other friend asks to stay with me because she got laid off. It's like living in a college double.
September, 2001: Move to Campbell in a random house with friend who got laid off and now has a new job in south bay. Do not know the three random people living here, two of whom are an engaged couple. No lease, but dude, the house is nice.
December, 2001: One roommate moves out, another roommate moves in.
March 2002: One roommate moves out, another roommate moves in. Disaster ensues.
June 2002: Two roommate (couple) move out. 40-year-old random guy roommate who works at a tech company during the day and plays in a cover band at night, moves in.
June, 2002: Roommate is a partying frat boy minus the university. Random people in our house, parties in our garage and a lot of unrecycled 40-oz bottles cause my friend J and I to go crazy. He refuses to move out. We decide to move out. Landlord calls his parents. Parents come get party boy. We stay.
August, 2002: New roommate moves in. This one is a 23-year-old apple employee by day, bar bouncer by night. In between the two gigs, he sits on the couch and hordes my TV. Asks my roommate J to braid his long hair. EW.
September, 2002: J says she's moving to China. I scramble to find a new place.
October, 2002: She's not moving until January. Phew.
January 1, 2003: Move into "new" apartment. Roommate (old roommate from Dec-Feb 2002) is scheduled to move in by the end of Feb.
January 31, 2003: Call roommate about paying next month's rent. About 10 minutes later, get a call from apartment manager saying that there's been a huge disaster in my apartment.

I don't even think it matters what has happened up until now. What is amazing is that so much has happened since moving up to the bay area. Is this a sign? I don't know. All I know is that I'm hoping that it gets better from here.

better day
Working with kids is like having multiple personality disorder. Some days, it's like you've struck gold with the kids and they are the smartest, most wonderful little bundles of joy. Other days, you want to grab them around the throat and teach 'em a thing or two. I'm not sure I like this rollercoaster ride of emotions. Today was a great day. I literally almost cried as I looked around the room at the angels sitting quietly doing their homework (okay, so one angel was messing around when my back was turned... at least he was good when I glanced over). While today's energy has given me a second wind, I'm a little bit unsure about developing a career in working with youth. I liken my feelings about working with youth to one of my co-worker's dysfunctional relationships. She was dating someone who wasn't really compatible with her. However, she stayed with her boyfriend because when it was good, it was really good. But, when times were bad, they were horrible. Hm. There's something dysfunctional about this dynamic.

venting
Today was one of those days that I think to myself, "How did I get here? At what point in my career decision-making process did I think this job was a good idea?" Whoever said that working with kids was a good idea was W-R-O-N-G. Okay, I'm done.

Rough day? You could say that. Today was the first day that one of the kids in my group was suspended. It was also the first day of program. I'm working on the second suspension. Let's see how day 2 goes.

taking hammer's advice
Tomorrow is the first day of the second semester of the afterschool program I work for. Despite the amount of work I've put into making this program work, I'm kinda dreading the first day. It's 11:30 and I should be sleeping instead of writing how much I'm dreading work tomorrow. Guess it's just like MC Hammer says: I gotta pray, (PRAY!) pray, (PRAY!), I gotta pray just to make it today. Should I ask God for wisdom? Or maybe more patience? Or how about praying that I will win the lottery...

blog-mania
I'm not mincing words today. Kristina -- you be crazy sista. I personally don't mind missing the beauty of snow, etc. The green mountains are pretty nice around here, especially when it's 65 degrees. Actually, I'm pretty weak sauce, so I even complain about the Northern vs. So Cal weather.

So blog madness has blown up with full force. It seems as if I get an "I got a blog!" e-mail every week. I know I'm not as old school as minsoo or some others, but the trend has surprised me. A part of me is unsure about this madness because it means that more people will be tuning in to my lame commentary on my life (via links on popular pages) and discovering that I've had a blog for a year and a half and haven't shared it with most of my friends. At the same time, it's good to be in touch with people via the web.

Work update... we have 45+ kids signed up for our program, which is AMAZING. Last semester we had 12 kids show up on the first day and maxed out at 21... This semester we're actually going to need a waiting list. Aw yeah. Program starts on Monday... I better start bracing myself.

blog war
Nice sell, Tricia. (read Tricia's blog.) To her attempts to diss my California, I only have one thing to say: Don't knock it 'til you try it. Believe me, once you go West coast you never go back.

*Sigh* I enjoy verbally sparing with my friends via blogger. It almost makes me believe that I'm actually in regular communication with my friends from NU. It's sad that I must "catch up" with my pals by reading weblogs or hearing the latest from whomever wanders out to Northern California. I was reading Hannah's blog and it made me want to go back to the days of dorm rooms, long talks until 2 a.m. and some solid girl time. I'm often surprised at how I became so close to women who came from different parts of the country and seemingly shared nothing in common with me except for my faith. I can't tell you how much I miss that. No matter how much I really try and replicate that out here, it never feels the same as hanging out at Norris drinking Italian sodas and speculating about our futures.

Ladies, I'm planning a trip out to Chicago sometime soon... after the snow, of course ;)

the flick n' float incident
My DSL connection is back up at my new apartment. Ahhh, now it feels like home.

How about another tale from middle school? (The middle school I work at, not a flashback from my middle school days)...

The afterschool program I'm helping to build at the school has already developed the reputation for being the new kids who screw around all day. Whenever anything at the school is misplaced, the kids are loud or there's a funny smell in the halls who do the teachers and administrators blame? Yes, the afterschool program. We have been accused of taking supplies (well, okay, some of our kids have sticky fingers), smoking in one of the rooms we use (even though none of the staff smokes) and not making the kids be quiet in the halls (okay, okay, you got us on that one.) We've had a pretty good streak, until this past week...

To recruit kids, we made a bunch of fun signs to hang above the halls. One of our most creative signs said, "Ever swam in a pool and watched a movie at the same time? Join Citizen Schools and do Flick and Float!" What is flick and float, you ask? The YMCA projects a movie onto the wall above the pool and kids sit in flotation devices and watch the flick. Yes, sounds like fun, eh? We thought that it would be a big draw. However, an hour after we put up the signs, we noticed that this particular one had been taken down. We suspected some punk kids did it. The next morning, the principal comes into our office holding the sign. He had taken it down after a few teachers pointed out the questionable content. Questionable content?!?! Apparently my co-worker had used all capital letters to write the sign. Unfortunately, when you spell "flick" using all caps, it looks like.... yeah, you guessed it. Fortunately, the faculty laughed it off and we used it as our schtick for the rest of the week.

Can't we do anything right? I feel like I'm on a sitcom sometimes...

a challenge
Right now minsoo and I are partners in fierce challenge. This challenge involves residency interviews and our NU Med school pals. As I read blogs from other NU friends vying for the relocation of our med school pals, I only have one things to say: 65 DEGREES IN JANUARY. Beat that sucka. Not to seem hostile or the least bit competitive, but tricialae and couscous, consider the gauntlet thrown. Pshaw, the 'Lou. California's the place to be. Bring it on.

paradise
I had the perfect weekend in LA (Redondo Beach to be exact). It took us 6 hours to drive from San Jose to Redondo including a stop at in-and-out in Kettleman City and a bathroom stop at the grapevine. We arrived around 3pm to mid-70 degree weather. Hannah (minsoo's sister) and I went to the beach and took in a spectacular sunset over the water. We also saw the paramedics and lifeguards rush to the aid of a woman who was hit in the head by a rock (apparently the woman and her husband were playing catch -- with a rock! She turned away and he clocked her in the head. Smart.) Hannah kept calling the lifeguard trucks the "baywatch trucks" and immediately fell in love with my hometown ("You live in paradise!").

Saturday I ate Dim Sum with my family and took Minsoo and Hannah to Hermosa to walk around. The warm sun was amazing. The two left for a wedding a few hours later and I went back to the beach with a few friends to watch the sunset. My friend and I went to El Burrito Jr for some yummy and dirt cheap mexican food. Then I hung out at a cool coffeehouse where there was live Jazz. I played a little bit of chess with some pals and headed home to wait up for the wedding folk.

I'm back in Northern California and missing home a lot. *sigh*

2003
Happy New Year! Here are some fun little personal stats to ring in the new year:
Occupation: Starting up an afterschool program for punky middle schoolers
Residence: Temporarily homeless. Will move into a new apartment Jan 10
Currently enjoying: VH1's "I love the 80's" special. Right now it's on 1983. Love it! A walk through memory lane...
Marital status: Single (and no, wedding bells are not in the immediate future!) but very happily with minsoo
Favorite new purchase: Badass (and very expensive) black leather knee-high boots.
The song I can't get out of my head: "Breathe In" by Frou Frou
One reason 2003 will be better than 2002: No freaky roommates (Hopefully.)

last weird roommate story of 2002
I left work early yesterday hoping to do some work while lounging at home and watching a few movies I had rented last weekend. I was especially thrilled to be going home early as my roommate R (the one with the shaved head in the back and long ponytail-length hair in the front who works a day job at apple and is a bouncer at a bar) was going home for TWO weeks. Unfortunately he was there when I got home. I was sorely disappointed. The TV nazi was home. Grrr. I wanted to scream: "Can't I just have ONE DAY when you're not around and I can watch TV by myself!? Is that too much to ask?" That sucka stayed around until about 11pm, just skulking around and dominating my 20-inch Panasonic. So, yes some might say that I am a horrible and intolerant roommate who is possessive and passive-aggressive. Okay, but you try sitting with R while watching your favorite show. Please share with me how you would handle his constant cussing as well as annoying and sometimes purely offensive comments. I'll stop here.

My new year's resolution and Christmas gift to myself: No more living with freaks.

spicy, spicy
Last night I ate a mean bowl of Duk-bol-gee (is that how you phonetically spell it?) at minsoo's house. I'm such weak sauce when it comes to spicy foods, however, this dish is like one of my favorite Korean delights. Why is that? I was sweating bullets and I almost felt like passing out after eating only half of it. After eating, I took some tums as preventative measures. Luckily my stomach enjoyed the little fire party and didn't give me too much grief.

I'm at work right now and I'm thinking of leaving early since no one (I mean NO ONE except the skater kids eating pavement on the playground) is here. I don't have any motivation to work.

now, back to living like a normal human being
This week was like my pseudo finals week. I'm not in school, however, all of the final events for the first semester of the after-school program I work for were back-to-back this week. I cried on the last day. No, no, not because I was so sad to see them go, but because they were truly evil little something-somethings and I was running on very little sleep (working about 11-16 hours a day this week). I'm glad to send them off for break and a part of me is secretly hoping some of the little terrors won't return. Unfortunately, these terrors are probably the ones that need the program the most.

Now that I'm done, I have to pack up my things and begin to get ready for my 5th move in the past two years.... hip-hip-hooray.

Ooooh, and Christmas shopping. Yikes, haven't done any of that. Doh...

hallelujah!
"Congratulations! This is your official notification that you have completely paid off the student loans starred below. We are pleased to have had you as a customer and wish you the best of luck in the future. Thank you!" -- Customer Service, Sallie Mae Servicing.

Thanks to my Americorps educational award from last year, I have completely paid off one of my loans. WOO HOO!! Despite my pauper-like existence these past two and a half years, I'm moving toward being completely debt-free!

On another note, here's a verse that I stumbled upon recently: "But godliness with contentment is great gain." - 1 Timothy 6:6. Another simple verse that I learned in Sunday School, but so often forget to put into practice.

success
Wednesday was the big day for the students that I work with. They've been transformed into young experts and were showing off their knowledge at an exhibition yesterday. Despite the fact that I had to do some "behavior management" with the kids, they made me really proud.

One of my favorite (if I may be biased) is little O.M. He's a 6th grader who comes from a spanish-speaking household and is an "ESL kid." (His mom, is great -- my co-worker translates during our conferences.) His teachers labeled him a liar because he didn't turn in work (he was really disorganized) and tried to cover it up. He tested in the 16th percentile in math (the lower 16th percentile). A month ago, O.M. walked into my room during homework time and proudly showed me his 102% on his test. I almost cried. This week, he came in and said (with a slight bit of bitterness in his voice), I got less points this time on my test. He got a 98%. We're writing children's books and he has been the only student to work super-diligently on creating a story every week, despite his language arts challenges. I see him making leaps and bounds and being more confident academically as well as socially. I really hope he stays on for another semester at least.

On the other side of the coin, I have another team member who is a complete terror. I sometimes wonder if it's the meds. But then I remember that she's not taking any.... maybe she should. But I digress.... Let me beam about O.M. for awhile...

it's just cake but...
It's 11:55 p.m. and I've just returned home from working almost 15 hours straight when I see it: the tinfoil that once wrapped my beloved "yummy" cake (recipe from Suji) sitting on the counter, alone -- no cake in sight. On the other counter -- the pan that once held that chocolatey goodness filled to the brim with brown-colored water. This can't be. This scenario is straight out of some cheesy situational comedy.

Someone ate my cake... and they didn't even have the decency to leave me the last piece. I'm so exhausted right now that I'm going to cry myself to sleep over that blasted piece of cake. A moment of silence for the best-cake-that-was-ever-eaten-by-greedy-roommates.

it's the most wonderful time, of the year...
My neck is tensing up. I'm starting to scrounge for empty boxes and re-examine my worldly possessions. Hm, do I really need this glow-in-the-dark yo-yo from the film festival? Have I ever worn this sweater when it's not negative 10 degrees outside? Maybe that package of Scooby-doo valentines sitting at the back of my closet should be my first sacrifice...

Yes, it's time for me to move... again.

I know, I know, you thought I'd left my old ways behind. You thought that I finally set down roots and started to make a home. And yes, I know you are all disappointed that I will have no more real-world-eques vignettes to share from my little house on the cul-de-sac next to the racist neighbors. Ah, now I'm getting all nostalgic. Not.

My roommate, J, is moving back to China. She was the one who convinced me to move to this drama-house. Now that she's leaving for more fruitful pastures in Shanghai, I too am uprooting myself. A former (and not psychotic) roommate from drama-house will be joining me at my next residence. I'm excited as she is more like my type of roommate. I'm hoping she will be a nice break from all of the randoms I've lived with.

Wish me happy apartment hunting. Again.

long days
The kids were really horrible this week. At one point I had to take a personal time out because I became so furious at them. I can't believe we only had a 2-day week. I guess the students were antsy about the holiday and our staff was ready for one too. So I guess I'm trying to remember the good times so that I don't spend the holiday weekend dreading coming back to work.

One of the kids on my team is steadily getting better math grades and starting to be really diligent about his work. He got a referral from a teacher for lying about not doing his work. Now he's super diligent. His family speaks only spanish and since my co-worker can translate, we've been having weekly phone meetings. His mother now feels more connected to the school and more knowledgable about her son's progress. Yay.

K, a 7th grader who I spent a lot of difficult time with at the beginning of the year really amazes me. She had the worst attitude about everything and lacked a lot of self-esteem when she first joined our program. At one discouraging point (when I wasn't sure what I could say or do to encourage her to be an active participant), I told her that I thought she could be a leader in our program and I wanted to see her earn a leadership star (we earn value stars for embodying our campus's core values). When I returned from China, I found that she proudly wrote me a welcome back note saying that she had received a leadership star. Over a month later, she remembered what I told her and has really proven to me that she wants to be a leader. Wow, so I guess they really listen... sometimes.

It's really hard on days like today when I think to myself, "I'm really not cut out for this job" or rather "I want out!!" to think about the student's achievements and my positive influence. I'm looking forward to the long drive down to So Cal and the time to process all of my thoughts about those knuckleheads.

china on my mind
Since I returned from my trek to the motherland, I can't go a day without uttering the words, "That reminds me of the time in China when..." I'm sure my co-workers, minsoo and my other friends must be tired of listening to me wax nostalgic about my travels to the orient. The consistent references may be attributed to not blogging adequately about my trip. I may continue to tell more stories, but hopefully I'll get it out of my system by sharing some with you...

i was born in the year of the horse, but this is ridiculous...
The other people on my tour were screaming, it was dark, the stench made me want to puke... the images haunt me everytime I enter a public bathroom in the states. The two that tied for worst places to relieve myself: Outside of a temple entrance in Hangzhou and at a gas station on our way to Hangzhou -- large troughs with short partitions and no doors. I am stronger person as a result of these experiences.

don't ask, don't tell
Our tour was run by the government. We did not know this when we signed up. Our tour guide was great, but at times, our experience felt very artificial. The hotels we stayed in were brand new (we could smell the fresh paint), the restaurants and shops we were taken to were all government run. The tour guide never spoke critically about the government and the country. It was surreal. At times I felt that if I turned around after we left one of our tour stops, there would be nothing there -- like an optical illusion. The accomodations were great and the stores were well run, but it was eerie. When we visited Tienanmen Square, I was temped to ask about the 1989 demonstrations, but I thought that the topic might be off limits. There was a huge military presence everywhere too. When we got to Hong Kong, the tour guide almost instantly started discussing politics with our group. It was refreshing.

line cutters are everywhere
Our group almost started a riot in the Beijing airport. The groups in front of ours kept bringing more people to the front of the "line" (groups of people huddling around ticket agent counters). We were almost to the front when they walked up to the front again. One of the women in our group started yelling at him and eventually the agent's supervisor had to come up to the counter to tell the man to get in line. When my family got up to the front, a man tried to cut in front and I started waging my finger and telling both him and the agent (in English, because everyone knows the language of ANGRY) that we had been waiting here a long time and he should get in the back. Dude, I hate line cutters.

like Italy in China
There are little "watertowns" around Hangzhou (near Shanghai) which are like Venice. The town we went to had houses right on the canals and little boats pushing tourists down the narrow water ways. An old woman was washing her clothes on steps that led down to the canal water. Little children played in the narrow alleys. It was the most pictureque place in China. Beautiful.

Okay, gotta fold my laundry... more stories later.

monday, monday
This morning I arrived at the middle school I work at and noticed two police cars parked out front. My inital reaction was, "I hope it's not one of our kids, I hope it's not one of our kids." It was. Apparently one of our 7th graders beat up a kid and wrecked his bike afterschool on Friday. He's now being charged with battery and vandalism. It was one of those Mondays.

The day only got more discouraging. I learned from the other teaching fellow that a few students had been getting poor grades because they weren't doing their homework (we are supposed to be monitoring homework), one of the guys on my team was leaving the program because he needed private tutors and that some parents were worried about their students getting into the wrong crowd. This "wrong crowd" were the other kids in the program. Ick.

During program time, I experienced a love-hate relationship with the kid who was leaving the program. One minute, I wanted to cry because he was leaving and he makes me laugh. The next, I wanted to throttle him for making the weirdest sounds I've ever heard from another human being during crucial be-quiet moments. Ahh, I'm going to miss that little booger.

At the same time, I also wanted to throttle another staff member who is probably one of the most arrogant, disrespectful blah-blah-blahs I've ever met. He disrespects not only the staff but also the students on his team and after program we had a serious talk with our program director about communicating more effectively (read: not being a jerk and rude and condescending), being more flexible (read: not being such a jerk when team teaching and roll with the punches) and being "transparent" (read: not being such a jerk when directing the kids to do things contradictory to what we ask). He responded to all of this by saying, "I've taken it all in." This basically means, "I'll consider everything you have to say. But the choice is mine whether or not to change my actions depending on what I can rationalize as being appropriate to my standards." Ugh, I hate cursing, but dude, there are many negative words in my head right now. I'm glad he's going back to college in the winter.

Tuesday has to be better. Tuesday has to be better. Tuesday has to be better...

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." -- 2 Thessalonians 1:15-16

Lord, give me that unlimited patience...

crowd control
After reading other weblogs, I felt guilty about neglecting my own so here I am. How about a story about China? Since returning to the homeland, I can't help but compare everything to my experiences in the motherland. On Sunday night I went to the Cheesecake factory for a friend's birthday and waited for over an hour to be seated. When we got "paged", we went inside, only to be shuttled into a "waiting area." A minute later we were herded to a huge table for 15. At one point during the herding, a friend in my group got all up in my personal space. She apologized for getting up close and personal. Normally I'd be acutely aware of this faux pas, but since China I've become desensitized to uninvited bodily contact. In fact, I kinda got used to it. I got used to pushing my way through the night markets, using my elbows to notify another shopper that they were all up in my bidness and dodging determined little old Chinese ladies who shoved without abandon.

My first experience with the pushing and shoving happened even before I stepped foot on foreign soil. The "line" (aka the mad crowd) entering the airplane to Beijing from LAX introduced me to the queue frenzy. Despite the fact that we all had assigned seats, the masses were bum rushing the gate entrance like crazed teenagers at an N'Sync concert. Madness. My mother would yell and act all upset about the "rudeness", but I took it in stride and started to enjoy it. I'm glad I haven't been in any crazy crowd situations since returning home. I might have to whip out the techniques I picked up a few weeks ago. Watch it, Americans, your personal space is mine. Muhahahah.

back from the motherland
I'm still recovering from my visit to the motherland. I had a good time, saw a lot of sights, bought a lot of cheap stuff, met some new relatives and in the process, caught a yucky cold. I'll share some highlights in a bit. Suffice it to say, it was a really amazing experience and I can't wait to go back.

i hate vanilla ice
I finished off my post for today with a quote from the "beloved" Vanilla Ice. I was so thrilled with it, that i accidently hit the "sign out" button instead of the "post" button, so I lost my post... anyway, it kinda went like this:

My family and I are traveling to the motherland for two weeks starting tomorrow. I've never been to China so it should be a very memorable trip. Beside seeing the sights and meeting new and exciting relatives, my mom informed me that we're also going to be doing a covert mission. Let's just say that we're on a Mission to spread some Good News to my family's village. Do get the gist? Well, lift up a prayer for us as we share love with others. Also pray for me that I don't start hating my family by the end of the trip.

I promise to write down my adventures and share them with you when I return. Until then, keep rockin' the party.

my new hotness
I'm sorry for not writing... I've been busy lately.... Busy driving my brand spankin' new CAR!! Yesiree, with a little help from my dad and some handy negotiating on my part, I am now driving a new 2002 Honda Civic LX.

The deal went down last Wednesday when my dad and uncle at a local Honda dealership. The night before, we had visited another dealership but left after they refused to give us, or rather, me a good price. Tuesday night was the first time I had ever done the car-negotiating thing, but I learned a lot and was ready for a battle on Wednesday. After the standard car lot inspection and test drive, we sat down with the salesman and braced ourselves for war. I used the awkward silence to indicate my displeasure at the price. I even got up and left a few times because I thought we couldn't get a fair price (the salesman ran out and kept giving us better prices). After about 4 and a half hours, the papers had been signed and my shiny new black ride was mine. I felt triumphant. Not because I would finally have a mode of transportation that would actually start on a regular basis, but because I had successfully negotiated the purchase of a car. I definitely feel like I could have gotten a better deal, however, I stood my ground as best as I could and in the end, got a fair price.

Ohhh, and get this -- they gave me $1050 for my broke down car. The next day when I went to pick up my new ride, I parked my car and handed over the keys to old faithful. When the salesman tried to start it, the car wouldn't start. He he he.

the light's on but no one's home
I apologize for the somewhat lifeless posts recently. It's not that I don't have enough muse in my life. In fact it's the abundance of topics that contributes to my lack of creative prose. I'm still struggling with processing all of the events. I can't even begin to write about them in a way that conveys what I've been going through. Maybe I'm just being lazy.

I promise I will return soon with more witty and thought-provoking prose. For right now, you'll just have to do with a bunch of semi-coherent posts.

camp anytown
From last Wednesday to Saturday, I was a camp counselor for a diversity camp which brings a diverse set of students from one high school per camp (ex. the head cheerleader, the valedictorian, the head of the nerdy group, the head of the Asian clique, the leader of the Latino group etc.) together to talk about racism, sexism and how everyone at their school can, in Rodney King's words, "all get along." My program director decided that it would be useful for a few of the staff to be counselors right before the start of our program. I wasn't very excited as I felt that the time might be better spent helping to plan our own program. Nevertheless, I had an amazing time with students from a pretty ritzy Palo Alto high school...

My formal and informal duties as camp counselor were:
- Making sure everyone in my cabin was accounted for
- Debriefing the days activities (aka letting them vent or cry about the days activities)
- Facilitating discussion groups and activities

Among the most memorable experiences at camp:
1. Watching the students react to lists of racial slurs and stereotypes written about their group by their peers (They had been asked to list all of the messages they'd heard aout that specific ethnic group). Some cried, some laughed and some were angry. This activity was meant to put out these hurtful terms on the table for discussion and to build empathy among the group. This is where the white girl drama began and the Latino and Black minorities clung together.

2. After our sexism activities, seeing the guys breaking down after realizing that the messages about women they know and share with others have hurt and degrated women (including their sisters and mothers and friends sitting in the room). Another intense moment was when some girls admitted they had been sexually assaulted. It was definitely an eye-opener for these 14-17 old guys.

3. The invisible wall that was built up around the Latino and Black/African-American students saddened me. Their voices were drowned out by the "white girl drama" during discussion times. While the White girls shared their guilt and somewhat misplaced injustice in their affluent lives, the other minority students were silenced. I feel like some of them walked away feeling as if they hadn't learned anything new. The camp is supposed to inspire the students to return to campus and bridge those social divides. Some of them did not look inspired and that saddened me a lot. I understand that the white kids were really growing and coming to understand this issues (as they might have been the most blind), however, the experiences that needed to be heard were not shared.

4. "Cultural Sharing" night. I help lead the Asian American skit. Memorable moments include yours truly rowing in a boat to America. Stereotypes were on full display. The most offense skit I've ever witnessed: The Mixed European group did a skit based around the oh-so controversial Pilgrims and Indians dinner. They spent most of the time making fun of Native Americans instead of their own culture. So offensive and inappropriate. It made me doubt the effectiveness of this reknowned diversity camp.

5. Hugging, so much hugging. Our camp loved the hug. The staff demonstrated the proper hug for us to use. I... just... couldn't... stop... hugging.

6. Despite it all, many of the students went home with powerful lessons learned and some thoughts to chew on. My hope is that the learning continues from here. It was profound to see the students struggle with this issue and then realize how far I had come in my understanding of racism and sexism since high school. The Asian American kids initially disturbed me when I learned how some of them bought into the "Model Minority" and other stereotypes that takes away power and the voice of our race. However I remember my non-existent Asian American consciousness at age 16.

There was a lot of crying, a lot of anger and a lot of "why did they make us do this?" I'm not sure whether these students will walk away changed but I know that at least for 4 days they were allowed to step away from the pressures of school and be different.

one of those days
Sometimes I wonder whether I made the right decision to devote a year or two to working with young people. Today was one of those days that made me want to ditch the field of education altogether. I was ready to strangle a few of those little disrespectful ingrates. I kept thinking to myself, maybe I do hate kids as much as I jokingly claim I do. Props to my mom (an elementary school teacher), whom I gain more respect for as each day passes.

Oh and by the way, it's day three of my afterschool program. We've only just begun.

random thoughts
Some things that I've become consumed with (ugh, I need better hobbies):
- My new palm pilot. A VERY nice birthday gift from my favorite Minsoo. I've substituted sleep for playing solitaire.
- My joints. My body makes funny cracking noises when I move around. Sometimes I feel like I'm dislocating a body part when I move. This isn't healthy.
- New mode of transportation. There's been rumors that the Parental units are going to help me upgrade my broke down car. We'll see.
- China. I'm going in October. My friend told me I'm going to smell like China when I come back. Apparently "China" kinda smells like being in a Chinese church. Ah, the fragrance of the orient...
- Flipflops. I have a lot of Sandals. So comfy but not very professional (which is weird considering I work at the stinkin' YMCA)
- Sarcasm. Those blasted kids bring out the best in me.

what did yoda say about fear?
It's been a hectic day. I had planned on sharing with you my crazy day trying to recruit kids to our afterschool program and convince the parents to shell out the dough. However, I guess September 11th is upon us and I must comment.

I didn't write about it one year ago. I was still processing it all and I guess I still am. While today is definitely a time of remembering and mourning, I also feel like it's a day when we realize how human we all are. Anyway, I have many issues with what has arisen out of this tragedy. I'm unwilling to embracing the nationalistic pride that may turn into a distrust of anyone who may look like a "foreigner". I'm afraid of what being "American" will come to mean when we give up our civil liberties to feel safe. I'm encouraged by the spiritual awakening that many people have experienced, but I fear the hate groups that may take advantage of this to push their propaganda. I guess I fear that history will repeat itself, like it always does.

I'm still thankful to be an American and I'm thankful that I can post these ideas and not be arrested for not being loyal to my country. But I have a lot of reservations and a lot of reasons why I will never say "God bless America" in the way that it's been tossed around this past year. There's more to say but I'm not sure how to say it and and I'm not sure I've got it all sorted out yet.

all growns up
While I'd like to think that turning 24 today (or yesterday as it's AM now) has transformed me into a mature-looking adult, I think it's just a coincidence that in the past few days, I've ordered alcoholic drinks and not been carded by any of the bartenders/waitresses that have taken my order. Am I starting to look like a real adult? Will people stop asking me when I'm going to graduate from high school?

Okay, I guess we have to balance out these incidences with the fact that a middle schooler's parent asked me which grade I was in ("6th, 7th or 8th? Oh, high school?") and the school secretary said that I looked just like one of the students.

Too many quarterlife crisis issues. I appreciate my youth, but dude, sometimes it's hard. So for all you old folks out there: give us young'uns a break.