do i really want to rake the muck?
As a journalism major, there's one section in every publication that I can't get enough of: the masthead. This is the page with the list of editors, contributing writers and people who do neat stuff to the magazine and make it look good. Of course, the "contributing editors" page where they feature the guest writers and their nifty bios is also another favorite of mine. One of the first things I do when I buy a new periodical is to scan the cover for bylines. Next, I flip carefully through the annoying ads at the beginning, making sure I don't skip a page with text. Then I flip to the list of names. I stop to scan the list, hoping (and dreading) that I will see a name of a former classmate from j-school or a friend of a friend who does the freelance thang. Then I let out a sigh and move on.

I think this obsession - yes, I'll admit it - is not so healthy. I don't think I do this to actually find my j-school buddies (in reality, most of my j-school buddies hated journalism and ended up pursuing consulting or PR), but I guess as sort of a masochistic desire to remind myself of my perceived failure to become the brilliant journalist that everyone thought I'd become.

Why bring this up? I was just reading the bios for a new Asian American magazine and I recognized two classmates from journalism school, both with impressive bios. Feelings of envy, regret and bitterness surfaced. Then I though, "Hey, why not post this up on blogger? Angst is always good fodder for a blog entry." (Sarcasm is good fodder also.)

So yes, I'll shout it out to the world (or rather, I'll type it out so my 7 friends can read it): I feel like a journalism failure.

I know you all gasped. It's true, folks. I could go on, but I won't. I realize that this feeling of failure is often momentary as I like to push it into the deep caverns of my mind, where it can stew and simmer until the next time I read a well-respected periodical.

delicious ambiguity
"I wanted a perfect ending... Now, I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." -- Gilda Radner.

ode to minsoo
It's been three years since minsoo and I decided to "go steady". For all of you who thought that this wouldn't last, I just want to let you know that the minsoo years (as I like to call our dating period) have been quite amazing. It's been amazing because I'm amazed that minsoo has been able to stay with me despite my 6 moves, 3 jobs, lots of crying on the phone, 1 ceiling caving in and a number of other catastrophes that has plagued "the minsoo years." He's been super supportive and has gone above and beyond the call of boyfriend duty so many times. He's woken up at 6am on Christmas morning to help me organize a meals on wheels delivery, created CDs for me at the drop of a hat, delivered food when I'm working late and been at almost everyone one of the events for the kids I work with (even trying the homemade brownies they made).

Anyway, it has been three long years. I'm glad I've had minsoo by my side.

forgot the party favor, too
Chicago was a whirlwind of friends, weddings (both the one I attended and talk of future plans for my pals) and no sleep. Minsoo and I stayed up late with pals and then took a two hour nap before heading to O'Hare to catch a 6am flight home. My head is sort of spinning, both from the lack of sleep and from the conversations I had this weekend. I'll fill you in when I get some shut-eye.

trouble finds me
Just when I think trouble has passed me by... After today's graduation, the program director and the executive director needed to meet with me. Uh oh. They were doing some housecleaning and noticed an error in my paperwork -- a payroll error. Apparently, my paperwork said I was making more money than I was supposed to... or at least that's what the person who typed in my salary thought I was making. So, for the past 8 months, I've been paid a salary for 10K more than what I'm slated to make. Now, I'm $7,800 in debt to my employer. Yes, you read it right. I've taken out a loan and I didn't even know it. There's really no course of action for me to take, unless I want to quit my job and sue them for this money (which is not even worth it).

What is going on?!

I keep pinching myself because I feel as if I'm in some movie or tv show about the misadventures of a mid-20s woman. Quarter-life crisis? Most definitely.

green mill, anyone?
Friday I'm heading off to Chicago for a friends' wedding where I'll get to see some good ol' college friends, a few of whom are planning to tie the knot. What's up with all of this wedding stuff? Over here on the west coast I have very few friends in relationships, let alone married. Anyway, I'm slightly worried about our accomodations as minsoo and I are currently without any, however, I'm super excited to spend some good times with my friends from college. Chicago, here I come!

My program ends on Thursday! Graduation is tomorrow... I'm almost done for the year. I can almost taste it. Can't wait to get rid of those stinkin' kids.

trainwreck phenomenon
Being a third-party observer in other people's relationships or decision-making is often like watching a trainwreck. You see it coming, but you can't do anything about it -- you know it's going to happen, and you can't help but watch. This is called the trainwreck phenomenon. I can see it coming. Things might get ugly.

At what point should you intervene? Or should you not intervene because it may be their decision to make? Hm.

countdown
The countdown is on. Only three more days of program left. The students have been beyond disrespectful to each other and to the staff. All I hear out of their mouths are complaints and criticism, despite our repeated attempts at making our program more "fun" in their eyes. Now I have merely a glimpse of what God feels like when we demand his blessings yet fail to recognize that he is doing just that.

We're thinking of cancelling the celebration that is supposed to commemorate the kids' "graduation" from our leadership program because they don't act like they are leaders. Suppose God cancelled heaven because he felt we were mean to each other and had proven that we didn't learn anything on earth. That would be scary.

listen up parents
Another kick-me-in-the-fill-in-the-blank day. The police had to escort one of our kids to a shelter because of some really bad jail-bait-like stuff. Meanwhile, the other kids are rioting and being the horrible little beasts that make me want to quit. We seriously considered cancelling program tomorrow.. and for the rest of the semester. I believe that you can see true goodness in children, however they are often honest -and sometimes heartbreaking- reflections of society. Some of the hateful and manipulative things they say often shock me, but then I step back and realize that kids only mimic what they hear in real life. It also makes me sad to see the dangerous patterns they are developing. I can't really go into more details, but it makes me sick to see the relationship patterns that the girls are developing. It convinces me more and more that parents are the ones that have to really be a part of their kids lives. After school teachers, counselors and youth workers can only do so much. Parents -- take care of your kids. You brought them into this world, it's your responsibility.

grrrr
Parking my car tonight was like some bad flashback from my SF days: Roaming the streets again and again, trying to fit into parking spots too small, driving around muttering under my breath, calling minsoo to complain about how lame the parking is in the city. I finally parked in a spot where my car is a few centimeters in front of a driveway. I hope it doesn't get towed or ticketed... or worse, hit by cars getting out of the driveway. Parking hassles were just a small little annoyance that added to my crazy day. Tomorrow is the big WOW project where the little monsters I work with display their work. Today was minsoo's birthday. I was at work until 10:30 pm when I pulled myself away to meet him and a few others at a coffee place for 15 minutes. Oh and did I tell you that I made him help me make a CD cover for my kids tonight too? I'm a sucky, sucky girlfriend.

amendment
Alright, some people might object to calling X-men United a "waste" of money, but think about this -- is it necessary to see a movie like that on opening weekend (and helping the big production companies make more money) when there's another film that might actually make a difference for Asian Americans in film? Wait a weekend to see X-men and support a film that depends on YOU going to see it THIS weekend. So anyway, X-Men United isn't a waste of money, it's just that there are other films that you could run to the theater to see. X-Men United can wait. *steppin' off my soapbox*

show me the A.A. love
Come on now people, even my parents are supporting Asians in Film! Alright, so I know the 7 people who read this site also read minsoolove and other sites, but I just wanted to put in my two cents. My parents never go out to watch movies. I think the last movie they saw was one of those Disney films that I made them go see when I was a little kid. In the past few weeks, my parents have seen not ONE but TWO films -- in the theaters! The two films? Bend it Like Beckham and Better Luck Tomorrow. I'm proud to be called my parents' child right now. My parents keep it real in the rice fields. Props to Kenneth and Lydia!

So you movie foos who went to see X-Men United and The Real Cancun should cough up the dough to watch BLT and not complain about not wanting to "waste" money on movies. You already did.

vicarious intercession
Oswald Chambers rocks. Since the great disaster (i.e. the ceiling collasping in my apartment), I've been meaning to replace my edition of My Utmost For His Highest, a daily devotional written by Chambers around the turn of the century (the 20th century, I mean). He is super insightful and I am daily challenged by his words. I found his devotional online and so I've been trying to make it a daily habit.

From today's devotional entitled, "Vicarious Intercession":
"Am I stubborn or substituted? Am I spoiled or complete in my relationship to God? Am I irritable or spiritual? Am I determined to have my own way or determined to be identified with Him?"

Good but very tough questions.
check it out: www.gospelcom.com/rbc/utmost

desperation
Humiliation. We had to compete with the other YMCA summer camp programs for recruiting today at lunch. Our shabby flyers and sign paled in comparison with the slick videos, photo board, t-shirt and candy give aways from the other Y camp people. I resorted to flirting with 8th grade boys. We left early to avoid more embarassment. Oh the shame.

i see red
I just heard the shower caddy in my bathroom fall on the floor. My OCD tendencies are luring me away from this computer toward the disorder in the bathroom, but I will resist. Why am I posting twice in a day? A few reasons: one, I'm obsessed with my wireless connection and love surfing the web while in my bed. Two, because I realized that the past three posts have been void of any thought-provoking, Christ-centered content. The whole point of keeping one of these overplayed blogs is to make it different, insightful and more entertaining than just a laundry list of the things that are currently occupying my time. My point of writing again, I suppose, is to break the cycle of whiny, irrelevant posts and return to the days when I actually had a good story to tell...

Sometimes the kids I work with beat the crap out of me -- figuratively, of course. It's not like those punks knowingly cause me to choose "Killing my softly" as my anthem of the moment, but it's scary to see them learn the art of manipulation. From saying things like, "I'm going to tell my mom and she's going to get you fired" to "You're not respecting me now, so I'm not going to respect you", they've learned how to say the things that will make "adults" (as I sometimes call myself) take a step back. Most of the time, they don't even know how loaded their words are -- they just know that they can use them to "get" us. These are the times when I wish I had been more mischievous as a child and therefore would know how to react, instead of just looking shocked and then giving the "You annoy me" look. What's sadder than seeing these kids growing up too fast, is knowing that their environment, whether it's their screwed up family life or their dysfunctional pre-pubescent relationships, is fostering their warped view of the world.

I guess now would be a good opportunity to tell a story about one of my students. Unfortunately, I feel like there's no one story to explain this and I'm not in a place to write something insightful about the kids without becoming frustrated or disheartened. Let's just say that there are times when I look into the faces of the kids I work with and see a glowing white light. Then there are times when all I see is red.

cable, part two
Jane and I joyfully discovered that we have an abridged version of cable on Monday night. It only goes up to channel 38 (so no MTV :( ) but the picture is clear and I get channel 3 & 7 (Friends, Scrubs and Alias - yeah!) and those are the really important stations. I guess not getting every channel makes it alright that I'm not actually paying for it. Ha, ha, Comcast... gotcha.

internet
Ah technology. I just spent over two hours trying to set up my DSL modem and wireless router on my roommate's computer. I finally called Netgear to figure out why the wireless router wouldn't connect. It turns out that I had to put my password PLUS @sbcglobal.net to log into the router. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. However, now I'm writing this from my living room on a completely wireless laptop. Ahhhh. So I don't have cable -- at least I have the internet.

cable
Representatives from Comcast came to my door last week asking if my cable was working. Technically we don't get cable, but my roommate had a switch and cables from her old apartment and with the help of our trusty VCR, we hooked up the cable lines. Anyway, I foolishly showed the comcast reps my tv and then they tried to get me to sign up for cable. I said no, I'd rather they just disconnect the lines. They refused. One of the reps even asked to speak to the "head of the household". Um, EXCUSE ME!? This enraged me even more. I refused and kept arguing with the condescending rep that I was not signing anything. If he had just said to me, "Look lady, we know you've been stealing cable from us and we're either going to disconnect it or make you pay" I would have said, okay dude, what's the price like? But instead, they were really sneaky about it, and basically were not up front. Despite the fact that we had cable (which we really didn't since we had to manuever through the vcr), which I know was not the most honest way of doing things, I felt that these representatives were so rude and disrespectful and UNPROFESSIONAL that I didn't even want to consider signing up with them. They finally convinced me that signing it would not do anything and I signed the stupid paper. That night, when I glanced at the sheet again, it had a price written on it! They had tricked me! I called and cancelled the service and complained and they cleared my account. Two days ago, I received a bill for the services that I had cancelled! Meanwhile, my cable had been cut. So now, I'm being charged for services that I don't even have.

I am boycotting Comcast cable. Those jerks don't deserve my money. Is there another option? I hate corporate monopolies.

ouch
I've only cried in front of my students a few times. This week brought the count up to three, which is shameful considering that I am almost 25 and should be able to control my emotions. I have reverted back to the hormonal state of a 13-year-old. The students are horrible to each other and to the staff. I know they are really self-centered and are developmentally at the age where they are extremely self-aware and react out of insecurity. It's still hard to see them tear everyone down.

I feel pretty defeated and uneffective. I know that they are a bundle of contradictions and that they often say things to push buttons and cause conflict, but it's still hard to hear them criticize the things you do for them. I guess this is what being a parent is like, to an extent. Half of the time I'm muttering to myself, If I had a kid who reacted like that, I'd... I'm being really vague about what happened this week, but it's too complicated to explain. I'll just say that I felt at times during this week, the kids were ripping me a new one. I hope you know what that means. It wasn't pretty.

happy...
Easter? Actually, It's more like happy Jesus-is-Risen day. Isn't "Easter" a pagan holiday? Anyway, it's days like these when I remember how I fail to celebrate Jesus's birth and resurrection on a daily basis.

movie plug
Go see Better Luck Tomorrow. This is my plug for the movie. To read a really good reason why you should watch it, check out www.angryasianman.com.

my tv commentary
I try and refrain from commenting on tv shows as I know that's the focal point of many of my friends' blogs, however, I wanted to share some thoughts on two of my favorite shows.

The West Wing
I don't get to watch this show as much as I would like, however whenever I do, I always end up sighing and wiping the mist away from my eyes. President Barlet, you are cool. C.J., you are so smart and articulate. *Sigh*... POOF! I wake up from the dream that is The West Wing and realize that I live in the real United States, not Aaron Sorkin's NBC version. And then I realize that we're in a war that half of the world doesn't support, a good number of American's don't agree with and revisiting the Imperialist mentality that has made the United States beloved by terrorists the world over. *big sigh*

Alias
Jennifer Garner kicks some serious butt in the coolest show. And she's pretty attractive in a girl-next-door-who-could-kick-my-butt sort of way. And of course, I'm not even going to expound on the hotness that is Michael Vartan. But now that she's getting a divorce, I feel like it kinda lessens her coolness factor, at least in my eyes. I hope it's not the "I'm married to a guy in the biz and we're super happy until I become the hottest new thing around town" scenario. I just hope she doesn't start going out with all these skeezy celebs and then end up in a series of bad relationships where her skank factor sky-rockets. Please don't do it Jennifer!

a few nice packages
On Wednesday, I received two packages... one, was the check for $8,376.60 from the apartment management company (sent to my pseudo-lawyer) and the other, a package from St. Louis. St. Louis? Yes, I received Dandruff II. (read Kristina's 2/14 blog post for more details) Yes, Kristina, I will name it Dandruff II in honor of your suggestion when you gave me the first one. Alas, Snowflake is in the same "asbestos-free" bag with my toilet plunger. Thanks for the good times, my fluffy friend.

This weekend is all about cleaning out the asbestos/water-damaged bags and shopping. Can't wait. I can't believe it. Check out minsoolove.com for a special little animated thank you for my "lawyer.

in case you only watch cnn, fox, msnbc or abc
http://www.gospelcom.net/content/iraq/
http://www.ivcf.org/iraq
http://www.indybay.org
http://www.ncmonline.com
http://www.notinourname.net
Don't just take it from the corporate media...

my new best friend
Yes, they are finally paying up. The apartment management company faxed me (or rather, my pseudo lawyer Travis) a letter saying they're going to cough up the $8k+ that I had requested from them from the beginning. I couldn't believe it. When Travis called me to tell me the good news, I cried. I know it's not a huge sum of money and it's only been about 2 months, but it's been one of the most difficult times of my life. THANK GOD! These past few weeks, I really just gave it up, knowing that God would take care of it. Travis entered the picture and things just started rolling. I'm super grateful for his help and just the peace of mind from his involvement. He is my new best friend :)

On another note, I am against the war. I could go on, but I won't. Suddam is pure evil and needs to be gone, but... well, I won't go on. It makes me sad.

my friends are all growns up
I enjoy reading my friends' blogs. I love how everyone writes from a different perspective. From listening to tricialae's comments on marriage and reality tv (just because you pass the ethical exam, it doesn't mean people can't call you shady... shady... hehe) to Couscous's snow stories and tirades (i love you kristina!) to Beast's sports commentary (I have no idea what you write about) to Choochy's med school decisions, it's crazy to think about us all growing up. I can't believe that my friends are turning into doctors and lawyers (dude, you all gotta move to the west coast so I can get some quality health care and legal representation up in here). Everyone's gettin' all adult on me. That's ok. I'm keepin' it real on the westside, ain't no one gonna waste my flava. I'm just breakin' it down old school with my middle school peeps up in here. That's right, don't need no real job, makin' G's. Who cares about payin' bills?

Yesterday a student said that I reminded him of bologna. I said thank you. Career, pshaw. I don't need no stinkin' career.

can't afford the 'or
on the back of my deposit: "Endorsement of this check constitutes a full and final settlement of any all claims by payee against management or any other persons or firm relating to or arising out of payee(s) tenancy."

Um, I'm sorry, isn't this rightfully my money? Doesn't this money guarantee that I don't destroy my apartment? (Yes, destroying the apartment was their job.)

I received this check on the same day that my bank refused to give me money at the ATM, stating that I had insuffient funds. Yes, everyone, I have officially hit rock bottom. Yay, I'm broke!

I need my money, suckas.

"I'm so po', I can't afford the 'or"

bag #18..."these are a few of my favorite things..."
I spent Friday opening the bags that I had claimed were "salvageable" (read:not filled with asbestos or heavily water damaged). However, when I opened up a few of the bags, there was some fat mold growing on my kitchenware. UGH. Anyway, I've got about 30 more bags of junk (I've labeled every single bag by hand and inventories the contents... unfortunately most of it is going to be thrown away) in storage. I'm waiting for the stinkin' apartment management company to pay me my money before I open up the rest since I might be able to use those moldy bags as evidence in a lawsuit. Anyway, to respond to couscous's post, I'll share with you the contents of my favorite bag of ruined possessions:

Contents of bag #18:
1. Computer keyboard and mouse
2. Beautiful maroon silk pillows from China
3. "Herbert," My yellow stuff animal that I got from Jenn Tan in college
4. My domokun stuffed animal given to me by minsoo for v-day 2001
5. Totoro stuffed animal from minsoo, v-day 2002
6. Snowflake AKA "Dandruff" gund animal that I got from couscous
7. AND MY TOILET PLUNGER.

I might have considered trying to salvage this bag... Unfortunately the nincompoops who "cleaned" my apartment didn't think that packaging a toilet plunger next to my pillows and stuff animals would nullify any possible cleaning they could have done. Thanks guys. Good-bye Snowflake.

like a bad song
This morning I stopped off at starbucks for my usual fix (I've become an addict - thanks, minsoo) and when I returned to my car, I noticed some white marks on my bumper. I stopped in my tracks, grabbed some napkins and started scraping at the white scratches. Nooooooo, not my new car.

Why does it seem like my life is like a song with cheesy lyrics that always refer to having unfortunate things happen all the time? Am I a drama queen? Perhaps. Do ridiculous things seem to keep happening to me? Most definitely.

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." -- Colossians 3:2

On another note, here's another nugget of wisdom...

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." -- Colossians 4:5-6

fortune cookie
"You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily." *sigh.*

kids make me sad sometimes. but sometimes they make me smile
Kids... hate 'em and love 'em. I'll tell you Thomas's story when I get beyond this whole apartment mess. Read minsoo's extra page and find out why he's my new favorite student. (Sidenote: today he only told me hated me once!)

update
I spent this weekend taking inventory of my belongings (99% of which are in plastic bags) in the unit the apartment management company is "generously" offering us. I am of course getting out of that asbestos hole and moving into the complex my roommate currently lives in. I'm hoping I can hold my ground and demand my money -- I'm really nervous about speaking to the management company and not remembering my arguments for why they stinkin' should pay for replacing all my stuff... Lift up a prayer for me.

and did i mention the asbestos?
All of my belongings (including the dry items that I placed in another apartment in the unit) have been "quarantined" until they can come in and clean it all. I literally left the complex last night with only the clothes on my back. I had to visit a used clothing store and the ever-so helpful target to buy necessary items (including freakin' UNDERWEAR). I've surrounded myself with other people to try and keep the situation filled with humor, but everytime I'm by myself the tears start flowing. Lift up a prayer for me guys. It's been a rough weekend.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where theives break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." -- Matthew 6:19-21

it has to get a whole lot worse before it gets better...
And it did. Last night I arrived home and saw fire trucks in front of my apartment, yellow "do not cross" tape and firemen tearing up my ceiling. A water line broke in my apartment unit and flooded THE ENTIRE UNIT. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, almost everything I own was covered in water, ceiling debris and muck. I salvaged what I could (the firemen were quite nice after watching me sob for a few minutes) and left the rest for today. My mom was relieved to hear that I wasn't in the apartment when it happened, however, I'm still in shock from the sheer RIDICULOUSNESS of this situation. Let's revisit my journey post-graduation:

September, 2000: Move to Berkeley to live with friend whom I've know since age 9. Doh! I forgot how big of a flake she is.
December, 2000: Put in my 30-days to move out. Then I realize the apartment we have agreed to rent has major issues. Have 30 days to move out.
January, 2001: Move to San Leandro and into the most ghetto apartment complex ever with my flake of a roommate. Move in with some random guy who cordons off the living room to use as his bedroom. Sketchy? Definitely.
March, 2001: Move out of the ghetto and into apartment in SF with sister because I find out that my flaky roommate isn't allowed to live with guys and that she's been hiding this fact from her parents (and asked me to lie about it to her parents). Unfortunately, flaky roommate is too flaky to make arrangements for herself and I end up taking her into to live in my room.
July, 2001: She was supposed to have moved out of my room last month. Still here.
July, 2001: My other friend asks to stay with me because she got laid off. It's like living in a college double.
September, 2001: Move to Campbell in a random house with friend who got laid off and now has a new job in south bay. Do not know the three random people living here, two of whom are an engaged couple. No lease, but dude, the house is nice.
December, 2001: One roommate moves out, another roommate moves in.
March 2002: One roommate moves out, another roommate moves in. Disaster ensues.
June 2002: Two roommate (couple) move out. 40-year-old random guy roommate who works at a tech company during the day and plays in a cover band at night, moves in.
June, 2002: Roommate is a partying frat boy minus the university. Random people in our house, parties in our garage and a lot of unrecycled 40-oz bottles cause my friend J and I to go crazy. He refuses to move out. We decide to move out. Landlord calls his parents. Parents come get party boy. We stay.
August, 2002: New roommate moves in. This one is a 23-year-old apple employee by day, bar bouncer by night. In between the two gigs, he sits on the couch and hordes my TV. Asks my roommate J to braid his long hair. EW.
September, 2002: J says she's moving to China. I scramble to find a new place.
October, 2002: She's not moving until January. Phew.
January 1, 2003: Move into "new" apartment. Roommate (old roommate from Dec-Feb 2002) is scheduled to move in by the end of Feb.
January 31, 2003: Call roommate about paying next month's rent. About 10 minutes later, get a call from apartment manager saying that there's been a huge disaster in my apartment.

I don't even think it matters what has happened up until now. What is amazing is that so much has happened since moving up to the bay area. Is this a sign? I don't know. All I know is that I'm hoping that it gets better from here.

better day
Working with kids is like having multiple personality disorder. Some days, it's like you've struck gold with the kids and they are the smartest, most wonderful little bundles of joy. Other days, you want to grab them around the throat and teach 'em a thing or two. I'm not sure I like this rollercoaster ride of emotions. Today was a great day. I literally almost cried as I looked around the room at the angels sitting quietly doing their homework (okay, so one angel was messing around when my back was turned... at least he was good when I glanced over). While today's energy has given me a second wind, I'm a little bit unsure about developing a career in working with youth. I liken my feelings about working with youth to one of my co-worker's dysfunctional relationships. She was dating someone who wasn't really compatible with her. However, she stayed with her boyfriend because when it was good, it was really good. But, when times were bad, they were horrible. Hm. There's something dysfunctional about this dynamic.

venting
Today was one of those days that I think to myself, "How did I get here? At what point in my career decision-making process did I think this job was a good idea?" Whoever said that working with kids was a good idea was W-R-O-N-G. Okay, I'm done.

Rough day? You could say that. Today was the first day that one of the kids in my group was suspended. It was also the first day of program. I'm working on the second suspension. Let's see how day 2 goes.

taking hammer's advice
Tomorrow is the first day of the second semester of the afterschool program I work for. Despite the amount of work I've put into making this program work, I'm kinda dreading the first day. It's 11:30 and I should be sleeping instead of writing how much I'm dreading work tomorrow. Guess it's just like MC Hammer says: I gotta pray, (PRAY!) pray, (PRAY!), I gotta pray just to make it today. Should I ask God for wisdom? Or maybe more patience? Or how about praying that I will win the lottery...

blog-mania
I'm not mincing words today. Kristina -- you be crazy sista. I personally don't mind missing the beauty of snow, etc. The green mountains are pretty nice around here, especially when it's 65 degrees. Actually, I'm pretty weak sauce, so I even complain about the Northern vs. So Cal weather.

So blog madness has blown up with full force. It seems as if I get an "I got a blog!" e-mail every week. I know I'm not as old school as minsoo or some others, but the trend has surprised me. A part of me is unsure about this madness because it means that more people will be tuning in to my lame commentary on my life (via links on popular pages) and discovering that I've had a blog for a year and a half and haven't shared it with most of my friends. At the same time, it's good to be in touch with people via the web.

Work update... we have 45+ kids signed up for our program, which is AMAZING. Last semester we had 12 kids show up on the first day and maxed out at 21... This semester we're actually going to need a waiting list. Aw yeah. Program starts on Monday... I better start bracing myself.

blog war
Nice sell, Tricia. (read Tricia's blog.) To her attempts to diss my California, I only have one thing to say: Don't knock it 'til you try it. Believe me, once you go West coast you never go back.

*Sigh* I enjoy verbally sparing with my friends via blogger. It almost makes me believe that I'm actually in regular communication with my friends from NU. It's sad that I must "catch up" with my pals by reading weblogs or hearing the latest from whomever wanders out to Northern California. I was reading Hannah's blog and it made me want to go back to the days of dorm rooms, long talks until 2 a.m. and some solid girl time. I'm often surprised at how I became so close to women who came from different parts of the country and seemingly shared nothing in common with me except for my faith. I can't tell you how much I miss that. No matter how much I really try and replicate that out here, it never feels the same as hanging out at Norris drinking Italian sodas and speculating about our futures.

Ladies, I'm planning a trip out to Chicago sometime soon... after the snow, of course ;)

the flick n' float incident
My DSL connection is back up at my new apartment. Ahhh, now it feels like home.

How about another tale from middle school? (The middle school I work at, not a flashback from my middle school days)...

The afterschool program I'm helping to build at the school has already developed the reputation for being the new kids who screw around all day. Whenever anything at the school is misplaced, the kids are loud or there's a funny smell in the halls who do the teachers and administrators blame? Yes, the afterschool program. We have been accused of taking supplies (well, okay, some of our kids have sticky fingers), smoking in one of the rooms we use (even though none of the staff smokes) and not making the kids be quiet in the halls (okay, okay, you got us on that one.) We've had a pretty good streak, until this past week...

To recruit kids, we made a bunch of fun signs to hang above the halls. One of our most creative signs said, "Ever swam in a pool and watched a movie at the same time? Join Citizen Schools and do Flick and Float!" What is flick and float, you ask? The YMCA projects a movie onto the wall above the pool and kids sit in flotation devices and watch the flick. Yes, sounds like fun, eh? We thought that it would be a big draw. However, an hour after we put up the signs, we noticed that this particular one had been taken down. We suspected some punk kids did it. The next morning, the principal comes into our office holding the sign. He had taken it down after a few teachers pointed out the questionable content. Questionable content?!?! Apparently my co-worker had used all capital letters to write the sign. Unfortunately, when you spell "flick" using all caps, it looks like.... yeah, you guessed it. Fortunately, the faculty laughed it off and we used it as our schtick for the rest of the week.

Can't we do anything right? I feel like I'm on a sitcom sometimes...

a challenge
Right now minsoo and I are partners in fierce challenge. This challenge involves residency interviews and our NU Med school pals. As I read blogs from other NU friends vying for the relocation of our med school pals, I only have one things to say: 65 DEGREES IN JANUARY. Beat that sucka. Not to seem hostile or the least bit competitive, but tricialae and couscous, consider the gauntlet thrown. Pshaw, the 'Lou. California's the place to be. Bring it on.

paradise
I had the perfect weekend in LA (Redondo Beach to be exact). It took us 6 hours to drive from San Jose to Redondo including a stop at in-and-out in Kettleman City and a bathroom stop at the grapevine. We arrived around 3pm to mid-70 degree weather. Hannah (minsoo's sister) and I went to the beach and took in a spectacular sunset over the water. We also saw the paramedics and lifeguards rush to the aid of a woman who was hit in the head by a rock (apparently the woman and her husband were playing catch -- with a rock! She turned away and he clocked her in the head. Smart.) Hannah kept calling the lifeguard trucks the "baywatch trucks" and immediately fell in love with my hometown ("You live in paradise!").

Saturday I ate Dim Sum with my family and took Minsoo and Hannah to Hermosa to walk around. The warm sun was amazing. The two left for a wedding a few hours later and I went back to the beach with a few friends to watch the sunset. My friend and I went to El Burrito Jr for some yummy and dirt cheap mexican food. Then I hung out at a cool coffeehouse where there was live Jazz. I played a little bit of chess with some pals and headed home to wait up for the wedding folk.

I'm back in Northern California and missing home a lot. *sigh*

2003
Happy New Year! Here are some fun little personal stats to ring in the new year:
Occupation: Starting up an afterschool program for punky middle schoolers
Residence: Temporarily homeless. Will move into a new apartment Jan 10
Currently enjoying: VH1's "I love the 80's" special. Right now it's on 1983. Love it! A walk through memory lane...
Marital status: Single (and no, wedding bells are not in the immediate future!) but very happily with minsoo
Favorite new purchase: Badass (and very expensive) black leather knee-high boots.
The song I can't get out of my head: "Breathe In" by Frou Frou
One reason 2003 will be better than 2002: No freaky roommates (Hopefully.)

last weird roommate story of 2002
I left work early yesterday hoping to do some work while lounging at home and watching a few movies I had rented last weekend. I was especially thrilled to be going home early as my roommate R (the one with the shaved head in the back and long ponytail-length hair in the front who works a day job at apple and is a bouncer at a bar) was going home for TWO weeks. Unfortunately he was there when I got home. I was sorely disappointed. The TV nazi was home. Grrr. I wanted to scream: "Can't I just have ONE DAY when you're not around and I can watch TV by myself!? Is that too much to ask?" That sucka stayed around until about 11pm, just skulking around and dominating my 20-inch Panasonic. So, yes some might say that I am a horrible and intolerant roommate who is possessive and passive-aggressive. Okay, but you try sitting with R while watching your favorite show. Please share with me how you would handle his constant cussing as well as annoying and sometimes purely offensive comments. I'll stop here.

My new year's resolution and Christmas gift to myself: No more living with freaks.

spicy, spicy
Last night I ate a mean bowl of Duk-bol-gee (is that how you phonetically spell it?) at minsoo's house. I'm such weak sauce when it comes to spicy foods, however, this dish is like one of my favorite Korean delights. Why is that? I was sweating bullets and I almost felt like passing out after eating only half of it. After eating, I took some tums as preventative measures. Luckily my stomach enjoyed the little fire party and didn't give me too much grief.

I'm at work right now and I'm thinking of leaving early since no one (I mean NO ONE except the skater kids eating pavement on the playground) is here. I don't have any motivation to work.

now, back to living like a normal human being
This week was like my pseudo finals week. I'm not in school, however, all of the final events for the first semester of the after-school program I work for were back-to-back this week. I cried on the last day. No, no, not because I was so sad to see them go, but because they were truly evil little something-somethings and I was running on very little sleep (working about 11-16 hours a day this week). I'm glad to send them off for break and a part of me is secretly hoping some of the little terrors won't return. Unfortunately, these terrors are probably the ones that need the program the most.

Now that I'm done, I have to pack up my things and begin to get ready for my 5th move in the past two years.... hip-hip-hooray.

Ooooh, and Christmas shopping. Yikes, haven't done any of that. Doh...

hallelujah!
"Congratulations! This is your official notification that you have completely paid off the student loans starred below. We are pleased to have had you as a customer and wish you the best of luck in the future. Thank you!" -- Customer Service, Sallie Mae Servicing.

Thanks to my Americorps educational award from last year, I have completely paid off one of my loans. WOO HOO!! Despite my pauper-like existence these past two and a half years, I'm moving toward being completely debt-free!

On another note, here's a verse that I stumbled upon recently: "But godliness with contentment is great gain." - 1 Timothy 6:6. Another simple verse that I learned in Sunday School, but so often forget to put into practice.

success
Wednesday was the big day for the students that I work with. They've been transformed into young experts and were showing off their knowledge at an exhibition yesterday. Despite the fact that I had to do some "behavior management" with the kids, they made me really proud.

One of my favorite (if I may be biased) is little O.M. He's a 6th grader who comes from a spanish-speaking household and is an "ESL kid." (His mom, is great -- my co-worker translates during our conferences.) His teachers labeled him a liar because he didn't turn in work (he was really disorganized) and tried to cover it up. He tested in the 16th percentile in math (the lower 16th percentile). A month ago, O.M. walked into my room during homework time and proudly showed me his 102% on his test. I almost cried. This week, he came in and said (with a slight bit of bitterness in his voice), I got less points this time on my test. He got a 98%. We're writing children's books and he has been the only student to work super-diligently on creating a story every week, despite his language arts challenges. I see him making leaps and bounds and being more confident academically as well as socially. I really hope he stays on for another semester at least.

On the other side of the coin, I have another team member who is a complete terror. I sometimes wonder if it's the meds. But then I remember that she's not taking any.... maybe she should. But I digress.... Let me beam about O.M. for awhile...

it's just cake but...
It's 11:55 p.m. and I've just returned home from working almost 15 hours straight when I see it: the tinfoil that once wrapped my beloved "yummy" cake (recipe from Suji) sitting on the counter, alone -- no cake in sight. On the other counter -- the pan that once held that chocolatey goodness filled to the brim with brown-colored water. This can't be. This scenario is straight out of some cheesy situational comedy.

Someone ate my cake... and they didn't even have the decency to leave me the last piece. I'm so exhausted right now that I'm going to cry myself to sleep over that blasted piece of cake. A moment of silence for the best-cake-that-was-ever-eaten-by-greedy-roommates.

it's the most wonderful time, of the year...
My neck is tensing up. I'm starting to scrounge for empty boxes and re-examine my worldly possessions. Hm, do I really need this glow-in-the-dark yo-yo from the film festival? Have I ever worn this sweater when it's not negative 10 degrees outside? Maybe that package of Scooby-doo valentines sitting at the back of my closet should be my first sacrifice...

Yes, it's time for me to move... again.

I know, I know, you thought I'd left my old ways behind. You thought that I finally set down roots and started to make a home. And yes, I know you are all disappointed that I will have no more real-world-eques vignettes to share from my little house on the cul-de-sac next to the racist neighbors. Ah, now I'm getting all nostalgic. Not.

My roommate, J, is moving back to China. She was the one who convinced me to move to this drama-house. Now that she's leaving for more fruitful pastures in Shanghai, I too am uprooting myself. A former (and not psychotic) roommate from drama-house will be joining me at my next residence. I'm excited as she is more like my type of roommate. I'm hoping she will be a nice break from all of the randoms I've lived with.

Wish me happy apartment hunting. Again.

long days
The kids were really horrible this week. At one point I had to take a personal time out because I became so furious at them. I can't believe we only had a 2-day week. I guess the students were antsy about the holiday and our staff was ready for one too. So I guess I'm trying to remember the good times so that I don't spend the holiday weekend dreading coming back to work.

One of the kids on my team is steadily getting better math grades and starting to be really diligent about his work. He got a referral from a teacher for lying about not doing his work. Now he's super diligent. His family speaks only spanish and since my co-worker can translate, we've been having weekly phone meetings. His mother now feels more connected to the school and more knowledgable about her son's progress. Yay.

K, a 7th grader who I spent a lot of difficult time with at the beginning of the year really amazes me. She had the worst attitude about everything and lacked a lot of self-esteem when she first joined our program. At one discouraging point (when I wasn't sure what I could say or do to encourage her to be an active participant), I told her that I thought she could be a leader in our program and I wanted to see her earn a leadership star (we earn value stars for embodying our campus's core values). When I returned from China, I found that she proudly wrote me a welcome back note saying that she had received a leadership star. Over a month later, she remembered what I told her and has really proven to me that she wants to be a leader. Wow, so I guess they really listen... sometimes.

It's really hard on days like today when I think to myself, "I'm really not cut out for this job" or rather "I want out!!" to think about the student's achievements and my positive influence. I'm looking forward to the long drive down to So Cal and the time to process all of my thoughts about those knuckleheads.

china on my mind
Since I returned from my trek to the motherland, I can't go a day without uttering the words, "That reminds me of the time in China when..." I'm sure my co-workers, minsoo and my other friends must be tired of listening to me wax nostalgic about my travels to the orient. The consistent references may be attributed to not blogging adequately about my trip. I may continue to tell more stories, but hopefully I'll get it out of my system by sharing some with you...

i was born in the year of the horse, but this is ridiculous...
The other people on my tour were screaming, it was dark, the stench made me want to puke... the images haunt me everytime I enter a public bathroom in the states. The two that tied for worst places to relieve myself: Outside of a temple entrance in Hangzhou and at a gas station on our way to Hangzhou -- large troughs with short partitions and no doors. I am stronger person as a result of these experiences.

don't ask, don't tell
Our tour was run by the government. We did not know this when we signed up. Our tour guide was great, but at times, our experience felt very artificial. The hotels we stayed in were brand new (we could smell the fresh paint), the restaurants and shops we were taken to were all government run. The tour guide never spoke critically about the government and the country. It was surreal. At times I felt that if I turned around after we left one of our tour stops, there would be nothing there -- like an optical illusion. The accomodations were great and the stores were well run, but it was eerie. When we visited Tienanmen Square, I was temped to ask about the 1989 demonstrations, but I thought that the topic might be off limits. There was a huge military presence everywhere too. When we got to Hong Kong, the tour guide almost instantly started discussing politics with our group. It was refreshing.

line cutters are everywhere
Our group almost started a riot in the Beijing airport. The groups in front of ours kept bringing more people to the front of the "line" (groups of people huddling around ticket agent counters). We were almost to the front when they walked up to the front again. One of the women in our group started yelling at him and eventually the agent's supervisor had to come up to the counter to tell the man to get in line. When my family got up to the front, a man tried to cut in front and I started waging my finger and telling both him and the agent (in English, because everyone knows the language of ANGRY) that we had been waiting here a long time and he should get in the back. Dude, I hate line cutters.

like Italy in China
There are little "watertowns" around Hangzhou (near Shanghai) which are like Venice. The town we went to had houses right on the canals and little boats pushing tourists down the narrow water ways. An old woman was washing her clothes on steps that led down to the canal water. Little children played in the narrow alleys. It was the most pictureque place in China. Beautiful.

Okay, gotta fold my laundry... more stories later.

monday, monday
This morning I arrived at the middle school I work at and noticed two police cars parked out front. My inital reaction was, "I hope it's not one of our kids, I hope it's not one of our kids." It was. Apparently one of our 7th graders beat up a kid and wrecked his bike afterschool on Friday. He's now being charged with battery and vandalism. It was one of those Mondays.

The day only got more discouraging. I learned from the other teaching fellow that a few students had been getting poor grades because they weren't doing their homework (we are supposed to be monitoring homework), one of the guys on my team was leaving the program because he needed private tutors and that some parents were worried about their students getting into the wrong crowd. This "wrong crowd" were the other kids in the program. Ick.

During program time, I experienced a love-hate relationship with the kid who was leaving the program. One minute, I wanted to cry because he was leaving and he makes me laugh. The next, I wanted to throttle him for making the weirdest sounds I've ever heard from another human being during crucial be-quiet moments. Ahh, I'm going to miss that little booger.

At the same time, I also wanted to throttle another staff member who is probably one of the most arrogant, disrespectful blah-blah-blahs I've ever met. He disrespects not only the staff but also the students on his team and after program we had a serious talk with our program director about communicating more effectively (read: not being a jerk and rude and condescending), being more flexible (read: not being such a jerk when team teaching and roll with the punches) and being "transparent" (read: not being such a jerk when directing the kids to do things contradictory to what we ask). He responded to all of this by saying, "I've taken it all in." This basically means, "I'll consider everything you have to say. But the choice is mine whether or not to change my actions depending on what I can rationalize as being appropriate to my standards." Ugh, I hate cursing, but dude, there are many negative words in my head right now. I'm glad he's going back to college in the winter.

Tuesday has to be better. Tuesday has to be better. Tuesday has to be better...

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." -- 2 Thessalonians 1:15-16

Lord, give me that unlimited patience...

crowd control
After reading other weblogs, I felt guilty about neglecting my own so here I am. How about a story about China? Since returning to the homeland, I can't help but compare everything to my experiences in the motherland. On Sunday night I went to the Cheesecake factory for a friend's birthday and waited for over an hour to be seated. When we got "paged", we went inside, only to be shuttled into a "waiting area." A minute later we were herded to a huge table for 15. At one point during the herding, a friend in my group got all up in my personal space. She apologized for getting up close and personal. Normally I'd be acutely aware of this faux pas, but since China I've become desensitized to uninvited bodily contact. In fact, I kinda got used to it. I got used to pushing my way through the night markets, using my elbows to notify another shopper that they were all up in my bidness and dodging determined little old Chinese ladies who shoved without abandon.

My first experience with the pushing and shoving happened even before I stepped foot on foreign soil. The "line" (aka the mad crowd) entering the airplane to Beijing from LAX introduced me to the queue frenzy. Despite the fact that we all had assigned seats, the masses were bum rushing the gate entrance like crazed teenagers at an N'Sync concert. Madness. My mother would yell and act all upset about the "rudeness", but I took it in stride and started to enjoy it. I'm glad I haven't been in any crazy crowd situations since returning home. I might have to whip out the techniques I picked up a few weeks ago. Watch it, Americans, your personal space is mine. Muhahahah.

back from the motherland
I'm still recovering from my visit to the motherland. I had a good time, saw a lot of sights, bought a lot of cheap stuff, met some new relatives and in the process, caught a yucky cold. I'll share some highlights in a bit. Suffice it to say, it was a really amazing experience and I can't wait to go back.

i hate vanilla ice
I finished off my post for today with a quote from the "beloved" Vanilla Ice. I was so thrilled with it, that i accidently hit the "sign out" button instead of the "post" button, so I lost my post... anyway, it kinda went like this:

My family and I are traveling to the motherland for two weeks starting tomorrow. I've never been to China so it should be a very memorable trip. Beside seeing the sights and meeting new and exciting relatives, my mom informed me that we're also going to be doing a covert mission. Let's just say that we're on a Mission to spread some Good News to my family's village. Do get the gist? Well, lift up a prayer for us as we share love with others. Also pray for me that I don't start hating my family by the end of the trip.

I promise to write down my adventures and share them with you when I return. Until then, keep rockin' the party.

my new hotness
I'm sorry for not writing... I've been busy lately.... Busy driving my brand spankin' new CAR!! Yesiree, with a little help from my dad and some handy negotiating on my part, I am now driving a new 2002 Honda Civic LX.

The deal went down last Wednesday when my dad and uncle at a local Honda dealership. The night before, we had visited another dealership but left after they refused to give us, or rather, me a good price. Tuesday night was the first time I had ever done the car-negotiating thing, but I learned a lot and was ready for a battle on Wednesday. After the standard car lot inspection and test drive, we sat down with the salesman and braced ourselves for war. I used the awkward silence to indicate my displeasure at the price. I even got up and left a few times because I thought we couldn't get a fair price (the salesman ran out and kept giving us better prices). After about 4 and a half hours, the papers had been signed and my shiny new black ride was mine. I felt triumphant. Not because I would finally have a mode of transportation that would actually start on a regular basis, but because I had successfully negotiated the purchase of a car. I definitely feel like I could have gotten a better deal, however, I stood my ground as best as I could and in the end, got a fair price.

Ohhh, and get this -- they gave me $1050 for my broke down car. The next day when I went to pick up my new ride, I parked my car and handed over the keys to old faithful. When the salesman tried to start it, the car wouldn't start. He he he.

the light's on but no one's home
I apologize for the somewhat lifeless posts recently. It's not that I don't have enough muse in my life. In fact it's the abundance of topics that contributes to my lack of creative prose. I'm still struggling with processing all of the events. I can't even begin to write about them in a way that conveys what I've been going through. Maybe I'm just being lazy.

I promise I will return soon with more witty and thought-provoking prose. For right now, you'll just have to do with a bunch of semi-coherent posts.

camp anytown
From last Wednesday to Saturday, I was a camp counselor for a diversity camp which brings a diverse set of students from one high school per camp (ex. the head cheerleader, the valedictorian, the head of the nerdy group, the head of the Asian clique, the leader of the Latino group etc.) together to talk about racism, sexism and how everyone at their school can, in Rodney King's words, "all get along." My program director decided that it would be useful for a few of the staff to be counselors right before the start of our program. I wasn't very excited as I felt that the time might be better spent helping to plan our own program. Nevertheless, I had an amazing time with students from a pretty ritzy Palo Alto high school...

My formal and informal duties as camp counselor were:
- Making sure everyone in my cabin was accounted for
- Debriefing the days activities (aka letting them vent or cry about the days activities)
- Facilitating discussion groups and activities

Among the most memorable experiences at camp:
1. Watching the students react to lists of racial slurs and stereotypes written about their group by their peers (They had been asked to list all of the messages they'd heard aout that specific ethnic group). Some cried, some laughed and some were angry. This activity was meant to put out these hurtful terms on the table for discussion and to build empathy among the group. This is where the white girl drama began and the Latino and Black minorities clung together.

2. After our sexism activities, seeing the guys breaking down after realizing that the messages about women they know and share with others have hurt and degrated women (including their sisters and mothers and friends sitting in the room). Another intense moment was when some girls admitted they had been sexually assaulted. It was definitely an eye-opener for these 14-17 old guys.

3. The invisible wall that was built up around the Latino and Black/African-American students saddened me. Their voices were drowned out by the "white girl drama" during discussion times. While the White girls shared their guilt and somewhat misplaced injustice in their affluent lives, the other minority students were silenced. I feel like some of them walked away feeling as if they hadn't learned anything new. The camp is supposed to inspire the students to return to campus and bridge those social divides. Some of them did not look inspired and that saddened me a lot. I understand that the white kids were really growing and coming to understand this issues (as they might have been the most blind), however, the experiences that needed to be heard were not shared.

4. "Cultural Sharing" night. I help lead the Asian American skit. Memorable moments include yours truly rowing in a boat to America. Stereotypes were on full display. The most offense skit I've ever witnessed: The Mixed European group did a skit based around the oh-so controversial Pilgrims and Indians dinner. They spent most of the time making fun of Native Americans instead of their own culture. So offensive and inappropriate. It made me doubt the effectiveness of this reknowned diversity camp.

5. Hugging, so much hugging. Our camp loved the hug. The staff demonstrated the proper hug for us to use. I... just... couldn't... stop... hugging.

6. Despite it all, many of the students went home with powerful lessons learned and some thoughts to chew on. My hope is that the learning continues from here. It was profound to see the students struggle with this issue and then realize how far I had come in my understanding of racism and sexism since high school. The Asian American kids initially disturbed me when I learned how some of them bought into the "Model Minority" and other stereotypes that takes away power and the voice of our race. However I remember my non-existent Asian American consciousness at age 16.

There was a lot of crying, a lot of anger and a lot of "why did they make us do this?" I'm not sure whether these students will walk away changed but I know that at least for 4 days they were allowed to step away from the pressures of school and be different.

one of those days
Sometimes I wonder whether I made the right decision to devote a year or two to working with young people. Today was one of those days that made me want to ditch the field of education altogether. I was ready to strangle a few of those little disrespectful ingrates. I kept thinking to myself, maybe I do hate kids as much as I jokingly claim I do. Props to my mom (an elementary school teacher), whom I gain more respect for as each day passes.

Oh and by the way, it's day three of my afterschool program. We've only just begun.

random thoughts
Some things that I've become consumed with (ugh, I need better hobbies):
- My new palm pilot. A VERY nice birthday gift from my favorite Minsoo. I've substituted sleep for playing solitaire.
- My joints. My body makes funny cracking noises when I move around. Sometimes I feel like I'm dislocating a body part when I move. This isn't healthy.
- New mode of transportation. There's been rumors that the Parental units are going to help me upgrade my broke down car. We'll see.
- China. I'm going in October. My friend told me I'm going to smell like China when I come back. Apparently "China" kinda smells like being in a Chinese church. Ah, the fragrance of the orient...
- Flipflops. I have a lot of Sandals. So comfy but not very professional (which is weird considering I work at the stinkin' YMCA)
- Sarcasm. Those blasted kids bring out the best in me.

what did yoda say about fear?
It's been a hectic day. I had planned on sharing with you my crazy day trying to recruit kids to our afterschool program and convince the parents to shell out the dough. However, I guess September 11th is upon us and I must comment.

I didn't write about it one year ago. I was still processing it all and I guess I still am. While today is definitely a time of remembering and mourning, I also feel like it's a day when we realize how human we all are. Anyway, I have many issues with what has arisen out of this tragedy. I'm unwilling to embracing the nationalistic pride that may turn into a distrust of anyone who may look like a "foreigner". I'm afraid of what being "American" will come to mean when we give up our civil liberties to feel safe. I'm encouraged by the spiritual awakening that many people have experienced, but I fear the hate groups that may take advantage of this to push their propaganda. I guess I fear that history will repeat itself, like it always does.

I'm still thankful to be an American and I'm thankful that I can post these ideas and not be arrested for not being loyal to my country. But I have a lot of reservations and a lot of reasons why I will never say "God bless America" in the way that it's been tossed around this past year. There's more to say but I'm not sure how to say it and and I'm not sure I've got it all sorted out yet.

all growns up
While I'd like to think that turning 24 today (or yesterday as it's AM now) has transformed me into a mature-looking adult, I think it's just a coincidence that in the past few days, I've ordered alcoholic drinks and not been carded by any of the bartenders/waitresses that have taken my order. Am I starting to look like a real adult? Will people stop asking me when I'm going to graduate from high school?

Okay, I guess we have to balance out these incidences with the fact that a middle schooler's parent asked me which grade I was in ("6th, 7th or 8th? Oh, high school?") and the school secretary said that I looked just like one of the students.

Too many quarterlife crisis issues. I appreciate my youth, but dude, sometimes it's hard. So for all you old folks out there: give us young'uns a break.

i'm not angry asian man, but...
The woodshop teacher at the middle school I'm working at offered to show my co-workers and I around his classroom today. He was proudly pointing out all of the projects his students had created, from sketched drafts of 3-D objects ("This is how they learn fractions!") to mini-houses ("Look, they made a working flagpole!"). Then he points to a chinese checker board and says, "An Oriental kid made that... He didn't speak any english but I just set him up and he went at it."

Was it the word "Oriental" that pissed me off? Or the fact that he bragged that an "Oriental" kid made a Chinese Checkers board? Or was it just that this guy was macho and pompous and had "Little Man's Syndrome"? I don't know. Either way, the meeting left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Looks like we're not going to be working with the woodshop teacher this year.

Citizen Schools
For the next two years I've committed myself to being a part of Citizens Schools, a very innovative after-school program for middle school students. This is the first year they're starting up a site in San Jose and I'm part of the first team. I know, I know, it's not what I studied in college and it's nothing like what I had planned on doing when I graduated. But after last year, I know that it's not always the straight and narrow path that teaches you the most. I've decided to take the route with the hairpin curves.

I'm sure many of you (okay, maybe 1 or 2 of you) are wondering what the heck I'm doing working with kids, as I allegedly "hate" kids. It's not simply a ploy to prove to the public that I'm indeed fond of the tikes. I'm not pulling a Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley. Kids are swell (as long as I only have to be around them for a few hours each day).

When it comes down to it, there's so much more to this experience than just playing with or tutoring a bunch of 10 to 14 year olds. It's an opportunity for me to learn more about the educational system, policy related to education, possibly earn a masters degree in education and help establish a unique program in my community.

Ah, It's going to be another one of those years. At least I'll have some colorful stories to post. Stay Tuned.

bobbing for gumdrops
I spent last Wednesday afternoon participating in relay games, playing pictionary and step dancing with almost 25 middle school students from Boston. One relay game involved each member of our group racing to a tupperware container filled with water and gumdrops at the bottom. The objective was to dunk your head into the container, bite into a gumdrop and remove it from the container. From there, you had to dip your wet face in a bowl of whipped cream to find another gumdrop. Oh yeah, and it was all being timed against other teams. Imagine doing this after 20 other 9 to 12 year olds had already dunked their sweaty faces and oily hair into the murky water.

The whole week was unbelievable. I interviewed and been offered the job the previous Thursday, decided to take it on Saturday and hopped a plane on Sunday to Boston. I spent last week learning more about what I had signed up for and came away from the week excited but nervous.

I'll explain more about what I'm going to be doing next time. I'm still jet-lagged and I need to get some sleep.

boston
I'm off to Boston for training for my new job. Long story, I'll tell you when I get back on Saturday. I've never been there so it should be interesting.

so good
So I returned home to be with my family and to attend my cousin's funeral. Today is my last day at home in the LA area. My college friends used to tell me that living in my area was like being on vacation all the time. I think they're right. Living 2 blocks from the beach, eating lunch at outdoor cafes, shopping at vintage or surf stores... ahhhhh, this is the life. I'm really not looking forward to returning to the dry, hot, landlocked Silicon Valley.

Okay, San Jose's not that bad. It's just that home is really that good.

don't understand
Saturday morning my mom called me to let me know that my cousin Christine had passed away. This news was a complete shock to me. Our family knew she'd been sick (she's only about 30 years old) but she was nowhere near death. This news left us stunned, confused and angry at her dad, my uncle, for not communicating about how sick our cousin really was. We knew that she had been ill for awhile, but we never knew what it was, nor that it was life-threatening. Apparently, she went in for a risky surgery last week with little hope of coming out of it -- a detail that my uncle failed to mention to the rest of his family.

It angers me because I cannot properly mourn for my cousin. I don't know what disease took her. I was never able to share in the pain that comes from watching a loved one suffer. I never visited her in the hospital -- nor did I even know that was in the hospital for about a month. I never shed a tear for her illness nor did I pray as fervently as I could have for her recovery. I didn't know -- and that's what hurts me the most.

So I guess I should be glad that she's "not in anymore pain" and I have to hope and think that she believed in Christ and is in heaven (I was never sure about her spiritual state). But I feel cheated. I can't reflect on my relationship with her like the one I had with my grandfather. We weren't given the opportunity, nor the time, to develop one. And this is what makes me sad.

in remembrance
On Tuesday night, I went to Minsoo's house for dinner. When I arrived, I was surprised to see his extended family there as well. It turns out, it was the anniversary of his grandfather's death. Minsoo didn't know him, but every year his family gets together in remembrance of his grandfather. I'm usually invited purely because his mom cooks a fat dinner for us afterward. Anyway, as his parents and Korean-speaking relatives sang hymns and shared memories of his grandfather, it hit me: Today was the anniversary of my own grandfather. He passed away last year on the same day. Whoa.

So in honor of my gung-gung, today's entry is devoted to my fond memories of him.
* I remember driving up to San Francisco from Los Angeles to visit my grandparents with my family when I was younger. No matter how late we arrived at their house, they would be waiting for us, arms wide open, ready to give my sister and I lots of hugs and kisses.
* I remember my gung-gung was the most charming, charismatic man. His car stalled by a fire station and when he went into the station, they treated him like a king because he was dressed like a true gentleman. I'm sure it was also because of his wit and the twinkle in his eye.
* I remember that everyone who knew him treated him with such dignity and respect. Even though as he got older, he often demanded that respect, I knew that he was a true leader and always striving to walk boldly as a Christian.
* I remember how sad he was when Po-po died. I'm glad they're together again.
* I remember the last time I saw him. I brought Minsoo to see him and my mother introduced him as someone who was really involved in church. My gung-gung responded by saying "Wonderful, Wonderful." That was the most important thing to gung-gung.
* I remember that he loved me very much. And I loved him very much too.

what goes around, comes around
My bible study class was discussing 1 Corinthians when I happened to glance out the window toward where my car was parked. It was about 2:30-ish and the sun was beating down on my passenger-side car window and reflecting a greenish-light... A greenish light?! I ran out of the room when I realized that the green light was coming from the shards of glass where my car window used to be. GRR!

Yes my car was number 3 in the string of break-ins that occured at church. This time, the thieves were bold enough to strike on sunday, during service, and hit a car parked right in front of the sanctuary. The sucka thieves took off with my lovely canvas Esprit bag which held a case of my favorite CDs (mostly Christian) and my $200+ pair of prescription glasses. They left my portable CD player (it was laying on the driver's side floor) and my portable car stereo. I know it was stupid to leave the bag sitting there (normally I hide it), but dude, I was parked in the most obvious spot in front of church, on a Sunday. Sucka thieves are getting bold. Too bad they didn't take anything really cool like a palm pilot or cell phone.

A message to thieves: We're gonna catch you thieves, watch out, we're gonna catch you.

So now I have to shell out money to get my window replaced and new prescription glasses. I know I joked about it a lot when my car was looked over by sucka thieves. Now I'm sorry I ever said anything because getting your car broken into is a big fat pain in my backside... and it makes me feel violated.

Sometimes I wish that I had nothing to write in this blog. I wish my life was more boring.

goodbye, public allies
I haven't "partied" with the allies since December, so tonight's house party was quite an experience. Since we're ending the program and my new friends are scattering for the summer, I was feeling temporarily nostalgic... So I thought I'd write this list...

What I'll miss about being in Public Allies:
- Going to parties with people of all different colors
- Seeing the world through the eyes of my one and only bisexual friend who smokes pot like a chimney
- Being with people who don't pride themselves on the good deal they got at the Gap
- People who shake their groove thang to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson as well as Digable Planets
- Being around people who always make me think about what I believe and challenge me to act on my faith, whether they know it or not

~~~ enough with the deep thoughts...the short and skinny on the party ~~~
So I'm sugar coating the whole social scene. The party tonight was half of us allies and the other half a group of frat-boy types (friends of one of the allies). It was really weird/awkward especially since I was one of the first to arrive and the ONLY female for about an hour. I drank maybe a half a beer (because I was driving and was expecting to make an exit at any moment) and did not parttake in the communal cannabis consumption (though I did learn much about the "art" of smoking out).

This was a truly interesting way to end one of the strangest years I've had thus far (knock on wood).

making an exit
So M left today... I didn't say goodbye (but probably should have). His parents packed up his things in a U-Haul and he drove off in his Chevelle, wheels screeching (somewhat symbolically) as he bolted out of our cul-de-sac. He's gone. I feel weird that we actually "forced" a roommate out of our house. I hope this is the end of this drama.

Next step: decide whether I'm going to be living in my house or moving in with my uncle.

yesterday's water works
Yesterday I gave my "presentation of learning" to my Public Allies class, staff, panelists and the community. My parents, minsoo, my friends, my supervisor and mentor were in attendance. I was nervous but prepared to get it over with. I got through 3/4th of my presentation as planned but when I began to speak of my personal learning and growth this year, I totally lost it. Miraculously, I was still able to speak even though the tears were flowing like faucets. It has been an emotional week (these tears marked day number 5 of my tear-fest) and so speaking about my journey this year, with my parents in attendance, really broke me. Fortunately the panelist who critique my presentation ate it up. During the Q&A session, as one ally put it, they "never let up," asking me questions that made me cry even more. They asked me about my future (a sure fire way to teary eyes), my supervisor stood up and read a poem about having God in me (oh goodness, tears for sure), the audience wanted to know about the influence my grandfather has on me (my nose is running) and then the panelists asked my parents to speak about me (it's all over). By the end, most of the staff, many of the allies in my program and probably my friends, were wiping away tears. At least I had good company, as I was wiping away boogers on my sleeve.

My only Christian friend in Public Allies said to me, "God was glorified during your presentation." I really hope so.

if you want me to
"It may not be the way, I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone" - Ginny Owens, "If you want me to"

In the past two years, I've listened to this song so many times, and many of those times I have been brought to tears. It speaks to many young people, especially recent college graduates searching to find their path. It's been relevant to my life this week as I've been struggling with having to make decisions that I had hoped to put off for the summer. This recent turn of events has directly been related to my troublesome roommating situation. I'm now in the process of interviewing for jobs, trying to decide where I'm going to live and trying to finish up my Public Allies year.

It's been 6 grueling days of being refined and broken. I can see that I'm growing and seeing my prayers answered, but in the meantime I'll have to chalk today up as day number 6 of my tear-fest.

30 days
My DSL has returned. Unfortunately I will be relocating in a few weeks, probably to my uncle's house. Stay tuned. Keep me in your prayers, this has not been an easy week.

last day
Today is my last day at the non-profit organization I've been working at since September. I've been counting down the days for awhile.

As I'm preparing for my presentation on Friday where I'll talk about all the "wonderful and lovely" things that I've learned, I'm getting all nostalgic about these past 10 months. It's similar to graduating from school... you have finals (my presentation), "senior week" activities with friends (end of the year retreat with allies in my program), graduation (yes, an actual graduation ceremony). And then it's over and I'm back on the street, lookin' for work.

My mentor was telling me how tumultuous the 20s are in your life. I'm supposed to savor every moment, but I barely have time to breathe, let alone savor the "freedom" (aka instability) I'm supposedly experiencing.

Update on roommating situation: M will let us know whether he wants to stay. If he stays, we'll move and he'll find 3 new roommates. We're basically trying to pay him to leave so we've offered to give his full deposit back right away and help him find a place to live. He'll let us know tonight.

Gooood-ness... this has gone too far
My housemates and I met last Thursday and "set rules" for our house -- Specifically, to close/lock all doors, not to leave the garage door open, not to have more than 2 friends over without letting everyone know in advance, etc. My roommate "M" (the young one) broke ALL of our rules last night. I was with minsoo and I get a call from J tell me that once again, the garage door is open and there's some random people "partying" in front of our house. So I rush home ready to kick M's ass out the door.

Our house meeting goes a little something like this:

(this is an abbreviated version and heavily edited)
J: We set these rules. You broke them. That was disrespectful, I don't feel safe
M: Yeah, well I thought about them and I didn't agree
J: That's it, I'm outta here (packing up her bags and leaving)
Me: M, you have been totally disrespectful and you have violated our trust. You better think about what you want out of a living situation and if it's not this, then I think you should leave. Right now I'm seriously considering moving out.
M: So what is it? Do I need to close the door? So it's NOT okay to have my friends partying here? Just tell me!
D: I'm the newest roommate so I don't really know what to say, but I think J&J are pretty clear, M, about how they feel. We set the rules.
M: Dude. (takes a swig of his 40-ounce)

This is not an exaggeration. In fact, it's an abbreviated version of the madness that is my living situation. Dirty dishes and unlocked doors have escalated into slamming doors and some major conflict.

Dude, and to top things off, I FINALLY GOT MY DSL MODEM IN THE MAIL YESTERDAY. And I'm locked into a year-long contract.

Lord Help me
I never wanted my blog to be a complaint session about my roommate. But...

On Saturday I walked into my living room and noticed that the white papasan chair's footstool was missing. My sister lent me the chair and threatened me about it getting messed up. She's bigger than me (and younger than me) and I fear her. So I freaked. Then I found it... IN THE GARAGE NEXT TO MY ROOMMATE'S TRANSMISSION!!! When I asked him about it, he said he wasn't sitting on it when he was fixing his car, he was "just using it when we were partying last night." Oh, that makes it all better.

Yesterday afternoon, I returned home from work, tired from the day and hot from the 90 degree weather. I found a random couple sitting on my couch watching tv. Being the very bad witness that I am, gave them a dirty look and walked into my room. Who were those suckas?

This morning when I arrived at work, I noticed that there was an English muffin (McDonalds type) stuck to my rear bumper. Had I accidently run over a hungry pedestrian? Was I eating an English muffin this morning? Then I remembered -- a MCDONALDS cup of orange juice in my refridgerator on M's shelf. Grrrrrrr....

My prayer today: "LORD help me. Lord, help me. I am so anal, my roommate is so oblivious. Help me not to kill him."

the mystery of the toilet crap and broken candle holder
After a hectic weekend in Milwaukee for the Public Allies Alumni Convention (You're wrong about Milwaukee, tricia), I had Monday off to recuperate. After attending a funeral, I returned home to discover a load of CRAP in my toilet. I share a toilet with my roommate so I figured the toilet was probably having some trouble. I stood over the toilet, thinking to myself, "Wait a minute, the toilet cover is up and we usually keep it closed...my roommate J is a very clean and respectful person. Why would she take a dump and just leave it?" Perplexed and exhausted, I watched while the stinky crap water rose and almost over flowed in our shoebox-sized bathroom (due to it not being flushed when the deed was done).

I couldn't get this discovery out of my head for the rest of the day. When J finally arrived home, I asked her about the crap. She denied it but then I realized that I had left the house after she did. So wait, did I take the crap and not flush? How could I not remember doing number two? Then I remembered: When I returned home, my roommate M had a visitor today -- his uncle.

While I was waiting to ask him about the mysterious crap, I found my new glass candle holder plate on the mantle had been broken in half. What was going on? First poo and now my new glass candle holder? There was no note by the broken item, no note by the crap in the toilet. Talk about inconsiderate.

So when I approached M about these items, he was so embarrassed. Apparently his uncle had taken a crap in my bathroom and he had also been cleaning out the fireplace and had probably broken the glass holder on the mantle. Gross. Mystery solved.

slow post
My roommates (D&M, the couple) moved out and took the couches, tables, chairs, shabby decor, microwave, can opener and most of the things that made my home comfy including DSL. Pac Bell sucks and therefore I have to call about 5 times before I'm told I need to wait for the "lines to clear" before changing my name and then wait to order DSL AGAIN. Anyway, this is my long excuse as to why I haven't posted in awhile. I usually post at home because doing this at work doesn't feel right (plus I'm paranoid that one of my co-workers will catch me and then find out about my blog. Dude, my roommates don't even know about this blog.)

So anyway, right now I'm a bit disgruntled with Pac Bell so I guess I'll take a break.

questions
Visions of black caps and gowns combined with the oh-so-catchy "pomp and circumstance" still linger in my mind after attending two graduations this weekend. Selfishly, graduations always bring me back to the happier days of romping around campus and procrastinating at the student center with my best friends. It also returns me to panic mode after I zone out during the reading of the graduates' names. This is when I start to obsess: What am I going to do with my life after June 30? What type of career path am I heading toward? Maybe I should go back to school and get a [insert type of degree being awarded at ceremony] degree... It goes on and on.

And yes, I'm fully aware at how faithless I am. I understand that God's will is perfect. But what I'm so unsure of is what I'm supposed to do in the meantime. Am I supposed to open my eyes to God's will by doing tons of stuff to help me "find" what I'm supposed to be discovering? Am I supposed to sit still and let the opportunities come? What's the middle ground that will help take me to the place God wants me at? And do I have to think so hard about it?

Once again, I have no answers. I guess that's just the way it's supposed to be.

unclique-y
In elementary school, I had 2 friends that let me play with them. In junior high, I was in a clique that was too self-involved to notice that I was actually part of their group. In high school, I shed my pink leggings and my posse and never looked back. I had a best friend and I had different groups I hung out with depending on my extra-curriculars (i.e. Band nerds, Journalism geeks, AP crew, student council folks, etc.) but I never had a group to call my own. I rarely went out on the weekends with a huge group of people and I never took any of those professional studio group photos -- the ones with misty backgrounds and fake roses -- with all my girlfriends. It might have been because I was too busy to form a tight clique. At that time, I thought it was because I was really just a total nerd and was only "tolerated" in certain social groups.

This week, I participated in the "gift seat" activity with my team in my Americorps program. One of my gifts, according to my teammates, was that all of the people in our program really responded well to me. They seemed to all like me and I was able to navigate through different cliques in our program, without compromising who I am. One of my teammates also spoke of this "goodness" that I possessed that made me likeable to everyone and a bridge-builder. This was a huge compliment for me. From my perspective, I felt as if I didn't really belong with any group and therefore, had to kinda spend time with different cliques when I was feeling left out of the social circles.

And then I kinda thought about it and realized that it's always been this way. I've always been the third gal when "three's a crowd". I've always felt uncomfortable and "different" in social settings. Whether it's my color, culture, clothes or humor, I always feel different. But according to my teammates, instead of being different, I hold the ability to be with different people. And the ability to be a bridge. All my years in InterVarsity discussing "racial reconciliation" has finally paid off! Ha!

Anyway, it's nice to be validated once in awhile. It's always satisfying to know that being excluded from all of those cliques in school finally paid off. I never wanted to be part of their circle anyways.

blessings
Yesterday was a long day.

Well, compared to all my friends in med school, my long days are probably the equivalent of a standard day on rotations. Anyway, I arrived at work around 7:15 am to meet up with a volunteer who is going to be updating our databases for the next few months. Unfortunately a deadly combination of several glasses of orange juice, a half a bag of "healthy" puff snacks, 1/2 beer, mac and cheese, 2 Mrs. Fields cookies and a few other items destroyed my digestive system the night before. Needless to say, I was still recovering.

So after a full day's work, I rushed up to Palo Alto where I co-facilitated a workshop for a group of high school kids. Their leader is a girl I work with in my Americorps program so she recruited me and another Public Ally to give the kids an introduction to Globalization. After the workshop, I headed home for a meeting with my roommates about whether or not we'd be moving out by June 1st. By then, it was 9:30 pm. PHEW! It was a long day. But when I headed off to sleep that night, I still had energy and I was in a pretty good mood. This totally confused me.

So what I think is that I truly saw God's blessings yesterday. This past weekend was a tough one and filled with many desperate talks with the Lord. I was feeling very defeated, weak in spirit and plain old tired. But last night, He showed me how little faith I have in trusting that HIS way is the best way. I think that despite all the junk going on in my life, I know that God was working in my heart yesterday.

Here's an e-mail I wrote to my friend in the program to share with her my feelings about facilitating the workshop for her kids. I think this was truly one of the best moments I've had in my program in a few months. It's interesting that it was an extra responsibility not related to my regular duties.

Hey Miranda,
I just wanted to thank you for inviting me to be a part of the workshop yesterday. Even though yesterday was a really really long day for me, I was totally awake at like 11pm, feeling energetic and in a good mood.

Now, I guess this could have been attributed to taking a nap midday or possibly learning that there's a possibility that I can stay in my house through June or maybe it was because my stomach had stopped hurting. But I really think that it was because of the YCS Fellows and being able to share what I've learned with them. I'm sure a lot of them were like "Dude, this girl doesn't know what she's talking about", but for me, it was less about what knowledge I could impart on them and more about seeing them in groups, discussing issues with each other, asking good questions and just being young and energetic. Most of my day is spent in front of this computer or in meetings with people who have really lost the idea of engaging the community and are more interested with maintaining status quo.

So yesterday, spending time with your group (even if they were sorta quiet) definitely energized me. I loved it when Chris mentioned learning more about making responsible decisions if he ever became a CEO of a company. Yes, I agree that this is what it's all about -- raising up leaders for tomorrow.

So I just wanted to thank you because I realized that I probably benefitted more from this experience than the kids. I'm getting pretty tired of work in general so I'm grateful for the opportunity to do something non-placement/TSP related and engage the community in another way.

Everything is not going exactly as I planned, but I need to keep remembering good ol' Proverbs 3:5-6... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

homegirl
At 5 pm, minsoo, suave and joonzang arrived at the local multiplex to be at the head of the ticket-holding line for "Spiderman" at 10 pm. It started out as a minor adventure and great material for their weblogs. Jess and I joined the group at about 7:15ish. However our plans of a fun, nerdy evening were severely dampened at about 9:15 pm. This is when a couple decided that they would stand in front of us at the FRONT of the line. Unfortunately the male part of my "posse" was away from the front so I boldly (and uncharacteristically) asked them if they were waiting for the movie and that the line was back behind me. They stared at me blankly and shrugged and I said that a lot of people here had been waiting in line a long time but they didn't budge. So I went to retrive the guys to speak to these line-cutters.

Eventually, discussion failed and a guy in line behind me called security who asked them to leave the line. These two movie-goers were not happy campers. When Minsoo began his usual animated story-telling, the guy walked up to him and wanted to fight because he thought Minsoo was making fun of him. Meanwhile I was trying not to crap in my pants as his girlfriend was giving me the evil eye. Minsoo and Joonzang apologized to the guy later on, but the girl was angry because Minsoo's "homegirl" (I guess that's me) told on them (which I did not).

Finally we were allowed to go into the theater but I kept my "posse" close and even asked a few girls and Joonzang (who waited outside) to accompany me to the restroom where I was sure the ass kicking would occur. Luckily my oh-so intimidating friends were no match for the all-talk angry chica.

So this experience ruined the evening for me. I almost cried during the previews, I was scared to look left or right (so their intimidation worked, I guess) and I was angry that some of the kids from church had probably seen the whole incident.

Dude, the last time someone threatened to beat me up was in the 6th grade. Shannon Something-or-other's sister accused me of talking smack about her and ruining her sister's chance at becoming 6th grade May fair queen. She was a fourth grader.

Anyway, it's late and I'm still trying to shake this experience off... All I wanted to do was go see a fun movie with my friends.

Compassion - Bah
President Bush came to the bay area earlier this week to promote his "compassionate conservatism" campaign AND Republican Bill Simon's run for governor. One of my friends from my Americorps Public Allies program was invited to attend as an example of the alleged "compassionate conservatism" (the gov't partially funds Americorps and is implementing a Freedom Corps). It was quite a whirlwind of White House Aides, background checks, tv and newspaper interviews for my friend in the program. When the story hit the papers she was on the front cover looking very amused at Bush. One of the stories (written by an NU Medill alum, no less) portrayed my friend as being confused and not too thrilled about Bush's visit. Apparently, she wasn't sure why Bush wanted an Americorps member there until she heard his speech and she definitely did not agree with Bush's campaign. Combine this with not being prepped adequately by our staff, and you've got this article.

So now she's getting heat from the national office of our program. They're worried about their funding and their image. They're asking for either a retraction or for my friend to write a letter to the newspaper to clarify some points. My first impression when I read the story (before I knew all of the details involved), was DANG, that reporter is a good journalist. She got my friend to say controversial things, and play up another side of the whole visit that was much more juicy than an article that simply chronicled his visit. I was also quite impressed with the candid statements my friend made (later she told me the reporter called her when she was sleeping and caught her off guard).

In our leadership trainings, we're encouraged to be leaders by speaking openly and honestly as well as being critical thinkers and people who take action. Maybe if all they wanted someone to produce some good sound bytes, they should have asked someone else in another Americorps program, or perhaps someone who was less articulate, less of a leader, less of a critical thinker. I think the article was indicative of what many of us think but would never say had we been given the opportunity to meet the President. I'm glad that she's in some heat. It'll hopefully force the staff will recognize it's need to prepare allies for press meetings more thoroughly.

I'm definitely amused. This experience was a great case study in working with the media from both the press and public's side.